Welcome back.
Previously, more of the same shit happened. That's about it.
So let's return to the madness with...
Chapter 29: The First Really Big Twist. You Mean the Umpteenth Really Big Asspull?
So barring the Author's Notes, where he says that there'll be another twist ten chapters from now (way to spoil the surprise), the chapter proper begins with the council punishing Madara. And what's the punishment? Well, it isn't really told, but he does get freaked out, and he's taken away. I'd assume that he's playing with Scrudley.
But anyway, the council then turns on Taliana, only to tell her that Sakura must drink a serum, but only after she fills it with the blood of the catgirls. Which begs the question as to why they didn't do it earlier, but hey, continuity is not its strong point. Taliana accepts the mission, and after an evil laugh, she teleports away.
Back at the dojo, where it's just nothing but partying and bullshitting (with the occasional wangst), everyone is playing beer pong. Until Ronan gets so drunk enough, he does Wooden Duck #66 to Sakura. And holy crap, it's pretty disturbing and disgusting. So after that, they head to the pool...yeah.
At the pool, Taliana shows up. And yes, for the record, every mention of "Christians" and the like are replaced by "Xtians". I'm not going to crack jokes about Christians, namely because I believe that everyone should love each other, and I should practice what I preach here. Instead, I'll state about how much it reminds me of Christina Aguilera when she was known as "Xtina".
...which probably would make things ten times worse.
But anyway, Taliana states that she has arrived to fulfill another ass pull—er, I mean, another prophecy. Ronan thinks that it may be the one where he destroys the world, aka the same fucking prophecy that was repeated over and over, but she says no. She pulls out the crystal ball to reveal what it is: namely, Sakura will be transformed into something, people will die, and it was about to reveal who it is.
Gee, I wonder what it would be and who will die.
As anyone would guess, Taliana kills off the catgirls with her katana. Okay, you know what? Why the hell would you take the time to introduce us with some new characters, only to kill them off a few fucking chapters later? Oh, wait, because you wanted to show off your fetishes, Jake. And when it served its purpose, you just end it. By fucking murder, or doing other disgusting shit.
We already know you're not a good storyteller. You revealed the "prophecy" (two of them!) waaaaaay earlier than they should. You wrote ridiculously flat characters, those whose only purpose were to fulfill your sick fantasies. Now you do this shit. I consider it to be just as bad as endlessly killing off characters, only for them to come back with either a lame-ass explanation or no explanation at all.
...and the worst part? What do you want to bet that this probably isn't going to be the last time he does this shit? Just...killing them off like that while making the plot up as he goes?
Taliana takes the blood, fills the bottle with it, and forces Sakura to drink it. She loses consciousness, and then...I swear to God, I'm not kidding...after Taliana goes away, Ronan and Sakura do Wooden Duck #67. While, again, she's unconscious. And yet, for whatever reason, she can still communicate with him.
Excuse me, there's a wall that needs to be painted red. (slams head into wall several times)
(...several minutes later...)
Okay, I'm better now.
The next day, Sakura regained consciousness, and yep, we have another scene of her going to the bathroom. As if it needs to be seen. But when she's done, we get the reveal...not only does she look different...
- Sakura: "RONAN... I'M A CATGIRL!"
...
If there was ever an award for "Most Underwhelming Wham Line Ever", it would be this one. I mean...reveals are supposed to be shocking. Unexpected. Like, "what the hell did this guy say?" "Wait, what?" That sort of thing.
Then again, I'm probably desensitized to stupid shit in general. Or I'm just so...apathetic towards some of them, angry at others...
...is this really what a caustic critic does? No wonder why I felt so...uninspired. I can't really bring up the hate forever, if not too long.
...but at least, we're almost halfway done, thank God.
Chapter 30: The Forest*
The chapter begins with Ronan wanting to find out why Sakura's a catgirl. They realize that it's the serum Taliana gave her. Sakura runs away from Ronan, crying that she's no longer pretty enough.
...
(facepalms)
Honestly...I don't know what the hell Sakura is reacting like that. I don't know what the hell Sakura is...gah. I stand by my statement that an asteroid needs to slam into the Naruto world, killing off everyone. It's what the canon versions would want.
So Ronan chases after Sakura, and yes, young girls are saying that he looks hot. Oh, my God. Now Ronan's hot towards...er...bu...wha...oh, my God, that is so disgusting! What the fuck, Jake?!
At the council, they're talking about their plan. Their plan? To kill Ronan off during the parade. During that time, their decoy would be...an Agnostic. Why? Because...they're not as dumb as Christians. And they wouldn't choose a side.
(double facepalms) Really? I'm really not going to go through this bullshit again. I've tackled it five times in The Prayer Warriors series, I'm not going to retract fucking ground.
Anyway, the Agnostic will kill Ronan, and then they will convert him to Christianity. I'm even wondering if it's even possible to convert a dead guy. And then they laugh.
Trust me on this one, folks, this will get a lot fucking dumber.
In the forest, Ronan calls for Sakura, but she isn't showing up. It only takes him calling her horrible names for her to do that. I'm serious. And then they engage in Wooden Duck #68. But during the time, Sakura sticks her tail to where the sun doesn't shine on Ronan, and he flips the fuck out. How? By calling her names and telling her to get out.
...even though she did it by accident.
...
And then she runs away again.
...
..............................
...................................................................
You know...as much shit I've given towards Sakura for all her stupid, asinine shit...(rubs forehead)...I'm not even sure I would even wish that on her. This...this is just flat-out abuse. And she's staying with him...why, exactly?
Oh, right, because the writer said so.
(shakes head...)
(Meanwhile, elsewhere at a random place...a cloaked stranger appears in a dark alley. He looks at a device on his wrist...)
???: ...I feel it. She's losing her way...
...
(he sighs)
Any more of this...who knows what would happen? Furthermore, how do we stop it? I must figure out a way...
(he leaves)
(...back at Rika...)
...okay. I think I'm gonna be strong. Gotta pull myself together!
...then the girls from earlier show up.
...
This is gonna suck, isn't it?
...
(reads further)
Oh, hell no, Ronan, you are not going to do this shit to...
(reads)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!
Ladies and gentlemen...Wooden Duck #Banana*, and it's so...ugh. No, I am not going to recap what's going on.
...I think I'm going to need a bath.
(goes off to her Shower of Angst and cries for a while)
(...one hour later...)
...this can't get any worse, can it?
So later, Sakura shows up, and she has to drink something disgusting to make up for Ronan, and no, I'm not recapping that, either. Then Tada shows up, letting Ronan know that there's going to be a parade. The chapter ends with our "hero" panicking over what he wants to wear, with Sakura reassuring him...and then Ronan hits her, and she goes off crying.
Our hero, ladies and gentlemen! When he's not doing Wooden Ducks, he's abusing Sakura in more ways than one.
...gah. I sincerely hope the next chapters won't be as bad as this. But I'm not holding out too much hope.
Now, Forward! To the next liveblogging of Naruto Veangance Revelaitons!
