Before I begin, I'm having to read the reposted version of this on fanfiction.net. From what I can see, it reproduces most of the story exactly as written, but it leaves out a few things, like Tara's habit of starting each chapter with "XXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXX" and cutting down on the number of elipses she uses. If I were drinking anything that would mean I'd need to drink a little less, but I'm playing this drinking game with air
, as I feel anything more substantial would be dangerous.
All right, we begin with an author's note, astonishingly
. AN: I sed stup fflaming I no his nam iznt tom bodil dat wuz a mistak!1111 if u dnot lik de story den u kan go skrew urself!11111 U SUK!111111
Well, all right then. When we last left our Sue
, she had gone back in time to seduce Volxemort (as it was spelled) in order to keep him from becoming evil. And if that doesn't work, she's supposed to kill him with her gun. Immediately upon arriving in the past, she met Tom Bombodil
, and told us how hot and goffik he was.
Which brings us here.
"Hi." I said flirtily. "Im Enoby Way da new student."
Enoby shoks her pale handz wif their black noil polish with him. Tom tells her that his name is Tom (didn't she say that using that name was a mistake?), but that she can call him "Satan", since that's his middle name.
Next they shok hands, because it didn't take the first time I guess. "Well come on we have 2 go upstairs,"
says Satan, and naturally Ebony wordlessly follows him because she is just THAT easy. Ebony asks "Hey Satan...do u happen to be a fan of Gren Day?"
Author's note says that she's asking this "sinz mcr and evinezenz dont exist yet den". I don't think Green Day
existed at the time she arrived in either, if she went back 20 years, but whatever.
Satan gasps "Oh my fuking god, how did u know? actually I like gc a lot too." Tara chimes in with another author's note: geddit coz gc did that song I just wanna live that's ounded really 80s
IF THIS IS THE EIGHTIES
THEN GREEN DAY IS DEFINITELY
NOT AROUND, YOU IDIOT
!!! Gah, I'm barely into this chapter and it's already taking its toll...
Anyhoo, Ebony happily replies omg, her too! Satan whispers to her that Good Charlotte
has a concert in hogsment. You might think that this is just another stupid misspelling, but even Ebony thinks that this doesn't sound right, so she asks:
"hogsment?" I asked.
"yeah that's what they used to call it in these time before it became Hogsmeade in 2000." he told me all sekrtivly.
Why is he being secretive? Don't all the people who might overhear know the name of the place they live? And how the fuck does he
know what it's going
to be called? Is Tom Satan Bombodil a time traveller from the future, or is this just more stupidity?
Satan tells her about this really cool shop called Hot—no, not Hot Topic, Ebony, it's called "Hot Ishoo". Satan tells her the name while froning confusedly. Then he smiles skrtvli and...
"then in 1998 dey changd it to hot topic." he moaned.
There's no reason for him to be moaning, since she isn't even frenching him passively yet, let alone sedoucing him (which as I recall was how it was spelled last time).
Ebony goes "ohh" because now everything is making sense for her. Well, that makes one of us.
"so is dumblydor your princepill?" I shouted.
Satan says uh-huh, and then looks at his black nails, and then tells her he's in slitherin, eliciting a shriedk of "OMfG SHME TOO!"
He asks if she goes "...to this skull?" (geddit cos im goffik)
"yah that's why im here im NEW." I SMELLED HAPPili
But her happy smelling is interrupted by Dumblydore suddenly flying in on his broomstuck and shredding at them angrily. (I'm amazed she spelled "angrily" right for once.) He yells at them not to talk in the halls (is that really a rule?), and he has short blonde hair and is wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. Then he yells that they're STUPID GOFFS! (Did they even have goths in that decade?)
This makes Satan roll his eyes and say "his so mean to us goffs and punks just becose we're in slytherine and we're not preps."
Which is of course totally
unfair, unlike Ebony hating people just because they're preps or they're in Gryffindor.
In the blink of an eye Ebony goes from being happy to being angry. More specifically, she turns around angrily and says:
"actually I fink mebe its becos ur da barke lord."
Prompting the following response from Satan:
"wtf?" he asked angrily.
To which Ebony counters:
"oh nuffin." I said sweetly.
I have to pause to laugh/cry/both.
And while I was doing that, suddenlyn...(probably a lot more dots in the original posting) the floor opened. Tara ends that with a period, as though it was perfectly ordinary, but her character doesn't take it quite so calmly:
"OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly."
Satan helpfully asks where she's going as she falls.
So Ebony gets out of the hole...
...n it was bak in the pensive in professor trevolry's classroom. dumblydum wuz dere.
Okay Ebony, you're back in the present, I think. What do you have to show for it?
"dumblydore I think I just met u." I said.
"oh yeah I rememba that." dumblydor said, trying to be all goffik.
Wait, how is that trying to be...never mind, let's move on...
sinister came in. "hey dis is my classroom wait wtf enoby what da hell r u doing?"
:"um." I looked at her.
"oh yeaH I forgot bout that."
"wth how?" I screamed forgetting she was a teacher for a second. but shes a goff so its ok.
Poor professor sinster looks sad, and confesses she was drinking voldemortserum. She cries "black tears of depression". Dumblydum didn't know about them, says this horrible story, referring presumably to either the black tears that this woman can suddenly cry or the voldemortserum, which I sure as shit don't know what it is. (I haven't read the Potter books btw, but the last person to cover a chapter was pretty baffled as to what it was, too, so I'm just gonna assume that this isn't something from the Potterverse.)
"hey r u crying tears of blood?" he asked curiously, tuching a tear.
"fuck off!" we both said and dumblydum took his hand away.
And this chapter ends in ultra-Narmy
fashion. Look upon Tara's work, ye mighty, and LAUGH YOUR ASSES OFF:
professor sinster started crying again in her chair, sobbing limpid tears. "omfg enoby...I think im addicted to Voldemortserum."
AN: SEE U FOKKING PREPZ GO FOK URSELXXZ DATZ SERUS ISSUZ 2O GO 2 HELL!1111112
Okay, I'm off to hell now. Can't be any worse than this was, right?