Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
Part 8: How These Chapters Drive Me Wild
Previously...the Prayer Warriors decide to have Ebony date Harry Potter, even if it means her sleeping with him. And Draco met Voldemort, but that particular plot point will be rendered useless.
Come to think of it? The whole "Michael dating Ginny" thing? That was actually rendered useless, too, because at no point in the chapters we have left do we actually see her resurrected. She's mentioned and referred, sure. But she's definitely Killed Off For Real.
I have to hand it to them, as awful as the killing was, as much as it is a Shaggy Dog Story, at least a character stayed dead this time. (I don't count Student!Noah, as he was just a Take That Straw Character, nothing more, nothing less.)
So let's continue with...
Author's Note, blah blah blah, Benry and Idiosy are going to Hell, someone hacked into his account. NE—
Oh. Oh, hell
no. He calls for Benry and his family to be raped. For those who think that this is a parody...do you think that this can be anything one can parody now?!
If you still think that the fic is a parody, a Troll Fic, if you will...there is something very wrong with you, and you should seek help.
In the library, Michael finds out about the keys. Turns out that there are five of them, three of which have holders, known holders. Oh, and the keys are on who Dumbledore trusts the most. Well, that about narrows it down.
First, Michael heads to Ginny's grave. And he throws her body—okay, pieces of her exploded body
, I should correct myself—out of it. Why? Because she doesn't deserve to be buried in a Christian manner. Only Christians can bury their fellow Christians in that way. Oh, and he takes the time to say that Anglicans are Satanists, too. Stay classy, Thomas.
In her pocket was one of the five keys, which looks silver with some dark green hints. Um, why dark green if she's a Gryffindor? Isn't that color reserved for Slytherin? Unless if, somehow, she is a Slytherin.
Which kinda makes sense.
So he takes the key and leaves her bits of body where it is. And once again, no, Ginny will not be resurrected.
Back at the library, once again, he tries to figure out the identities of the key-holders. Nope, nada, zilch. But he stays there anyway. Why? So he can see Harry and Ron, the two gay lovers.
Have I mentioned that even the gays will be insulted by how this story treats them?
Oh, and to show again how classy he is, Thomas takes the time to say how evil
Harry and Ron are, and he calls Benry and Idiosy out. Then he sees another student who has jet-black hair and looks evil
. Also, she's a pedophile, even though it's never, ever shown.
The girl introduces herself as Harmony, and yes, she likes to say "Hail Satan
Stan". Do all of the "Satanic" Hogwarts students have a one-track mind? Pretty much everyone says how Satan's awesome and do awful sins, and nothing else
Also, she wants to be Michael's girlfriend—er, "boyfriend". Err...and she speaks in French. Now, being that she wants to fall in love with him, you'd think that we get a mention of how French is the language of love. Oh, hell no. It's a Satanic language. Like the rest of 'em. Except for Latin for some reason.
And now, it's time to play "Break Out the Google Translate and Figure Out What's Wrong With This Fucking Statement."
"J'aimevoirles mamansont des rapports sexuels
aveceux-mêmesetavec lesautresthatspas le mari
J'aimeavoir des relations sexuellesau moinstrois fois
Unjour,il esttrèssataniqueetm'envoyeren enfer"
If you figured it out, you win a cookie.
Michael likes it, but of course, it's a lie. She leaves oh-so-Satanically. Don't you wish that she left "sexily"?
(suddenly, the weight is gone, turning me into a very sexily woman)
Oh, and Michael heads to Hagrid's hut. From there, two false Christians are there...oh, God, really? We're really going to go there? I'll give you this one chance, fanfic, to take the high road and not do anything so awful. Anything that is very much like My Immortal
, only five hundred times worse.
...okay. What's it going to be? Oh, I see. The two are named Idiot and Benjamin. Okay. And...you're saying that they deserve to die. And you're stabbing Idiot and burning his body, and you decide to hack up Benjamin while he's still alive, no less
and feed his remains to Hagrid's God. Oh, and to add the piece de resistance of classiness, you're pissing on their remains and laughing, because they deserved it in your eyes.
You're going to Hell. (plunges the badfic to Hell) No, you have no redemption! You're staying in Hell, and you're gonna die! You die, badfic! (spits)
I wish I could say that we're done. But no! We're 3/4ths of the way done. So skipping the Author's Notes, we shall head to...
This title, by the way, is called "Ebony Sleeps With Harry". And since the chapter doesn't show the actual sex because he doesn't want any Satanist/atheist to read it and get an organism
, it's probably one of the most blatant Nonindicative Titles ever.
Hey, remember all those chats with Jesus Christ and Thomas? Guess what. We get that now!
Thomas Brown: Damn ye hackers, burn ye to hell!
Jesus Christ: Ye agree with ye, and I will do as you ask for. Ye have sinned against my holey prophet and the only punishment suiting despicable evil little weaklings is the flames of the sinners favourite place, right at home with their lovely Satan, deep in the depth of Hell, where their skins will rot, and living flesh will rip of their disgusting body. Ye have done my bidding by warning ye heathens.
Thomas Brown: And what is your warning to those heathens?
Jesus Christ: Ye shall burn in hell if ye choose to follow the path of evil by hacking into accounts.
Thomas Brown: The biggest warning, I am not Idiosy, nor am I Benry, they are rapists and Satan worshiping demons sent by Satan to deceive us from the rightful path of Christ.
Jesus Christ: You speak wisely my son.
Thomas Brown: Disclaimer, I do not own the Bible for God owns that.
Now that I think about it, because of the writer not knowing what "ye" means, it's hilarious to see that Jesus is, basically, telling Thomas to go to Hell. And you know what? I'm sorry to say, but after writing some of the most vile things and actually believing that all non-Christians should be dead, he deserves to go there. I can't think of a more vile human being in the realm of fanfiction.
Oh, and remember when we get Bible quotes? Yeah, we'll get those, too. But not in this chapter, rather, we'll get it in the next one.
Ebony heads to the main hall, where Dumbledore, in his sleep, states shit about he'll kill Christians. Of course, this may be the last time she walks there, for as soon as that burns to the ground, all students will go to a Holy Catholic School. And...ugh, stupid fucking tracts, not an Anglican school.
And no, I'm not going to bother recapping history fails.
Ebony sees Ron, whose hair has grown longer...showing off his Scottish/Viking ancestry. Seriously? She "apologizes" for the death of Ginny, but good news! Molly Weasley is pregnant with another child! And she announced it with...telepathic links? Seriously? Um...the author does realize that they use owls
for sending messages, right?
Actually, I'm convinced that Thomas has never read any of the Harry Potter
books, very much like how he never read the Percy Jackson
Ebony hopes that Molly will miscarry, because...the baby's daddy may very much not be Arthur Weasley. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen!
After that, she tells him that she wants to see Harry, as she has a gift. Reading that as sex, he leads her to his room. But little does he know that, as a Prayer Warrior, she's about to send him straight to Hell.
After Ebony goes to Harry's room, she stops, telling Harry that she wants to do it alone. He understands completely, and the two...did it after she closes the door. As the two get it on, Ron stays outside and reads the Satanic Bible by one Anton LaVey, who the author helpfully states is in Hell. Along with Osama bin Laden, Hitler, and President John F. Kennedy
A few minutes later, Ron realizes how strange it is because Harry isn't coming out of the bedroom, because only Ebony left. He takes a look into the bedroom, and BAM! There lies the dead body of Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived. Well, he sure as hell didn't live through...however Ebony killed him.
Then she stabs him, because she can't keep him alive. She can't have any witnesses. And after that, Ron falls to the ground, completely dead, ending the chapter.
Jesus Christ: That was a very good chapter. It is very well written.
Thomas Brown: I am glad you liked it.
Jesus Christ: Thankful. Ignore those sinners; they will one day see their moment of justice. Amen to all!
Thomas Brown: I like to also thank all those dedicated readers for reading this great piece of fan-fiction. I will write some more soon.
...he called this fanfic a "great piece of fan-fiction". This fanfic, filled with so many more Unfortunate Implications, lots of gay-bashing, lots of cruel twists and pointless plotting...
Excuse me. There's a wall that I can slam my head into for the next five minutes.
(slams head onto the wall)
Okay. I'm better now. This ends the next installment. Will Harry Potter be alive again somehow? Will the Prayer Warriors get the other two keys? And will I hold onto my sanity long enough?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!