Oh, God, Not a Sequel! Rika Liveblogs The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches
Part 2: From Zeo to Not-So-Much-Of-A-Hero
Last time, we met Michael, and he got to meet Ginny. Of course, luckily, we have yet to hear tangents of how Christianity is the One True Religion and everything/everyone else can go to Hell. Though it's rather...faint.
I'm not going to get my hopes up. (eats grapes)
So let's move on with...
The Author's Note at the beginning of this chapter has him thank Noah for writing the story. And guess what, he's writing another story! Onto the holy site that is Fanfiction.net...where even the lowbrow shipping fics go. Gimme a break.
So Michael heads to Hogwarts. Did you know that it was built from the bricks of knocked-down churches caused by Henry VIII
the Eighty's Reformation in order for him to build his own churches? No? Well, you do now, because the author said so!
Okay, look. Hogwarts was founded by Godric Gryffindor, Salazar Slytherin, Helga Hufflepuff, and Rowena Ravenclaw. They likely never have collected the bricks from knocked-down churches, as it happened way after the founding of Hogwarts.
I will give the author this. At least he got one aspect of the Reformation right. The fact that the author had the audacity to say that it was Satanic notwithstanding. Though it was more or less because of the value the churches had, as Henry VIII was running out of cash at the time. The solution was to have Thomas Cromwell and his people visit the churches, and said people made reports of all the various wrongdoings the folks at the church (the monks and nuns, and even priests, too) were doing. Even though it was pretty much lies, Henry VIII decided to have those monasteries destroyed and looted.
And while he did get rich off of that, the Dissolution of the Monasteries proved to be rather...unpopular. Hell, it even caused uprisings and strife! Not to mention the loss of various amounts of archetecture and, yes, libraries.
...but I'm sure that you guys are sick and tired of my history stuff that I've just researched and want to get on with the story.
Anyway, as he goes on, he sees the bones of...Martin flying about. Yeah, I'd be going, "what the fuck?
", too. The main hall has drugs and several students smoking pot. And Dumbledore, wise, gentle Dumbledore, is whipping a student because he prayed to God. Uh...
Michael becomes scared because, you know, he's a Christian and has to pray to God.
What...I...gah. I'm pretty sure that Hogwarts is pretty much tolerable towards...everything. I mean, hell, not all students are pure-blooded witches and wizards. There are Muggles and, I'm pretty sure, Squibs. So who's to say that they're not tolerable towards religions?
Dumbledraw makes his obligatory announcements to all Hogwarts students. No, it isn't the whole "cheery speech", it's about how they're protected from Christianity and helped by the evil
, corrupt governments. Apparentally, that includes, oh, I don't know, every other fucking bodies of government in the world.
Oh, and to pound out the Character Derailment even further, he likes to hail Satan
Stan, because he's great.
Yep, as you can't tell, we're back to the "Satan/Stan" thing. And yes, it gets a few more misspellings.
Like this song, for example.
"Satin is great
God is not
We will be evil
And they will waste"
On the bright side, he has still "Rouge" and "Angles" left in the unholy trinity of words that form "Rouge Angles of Satin
". ("Of" if you want to be technical.)
Anyway, Dumbledore asks the students if that's a great song, and because it is, they like to sing it every day. Yeah, I'm sure that the students don't sing songs in the Main Hall every single day. And because Michael had to sing it (uh, we don't really see him being provoked into singing it), he prays to God. And he says it really softly because...get this...he knows that he's the only Christian in this un-God-fearing mess of a school.
So I guess the boy who got whipped because he prayed to God doesn't count as a Christian, too?
After that, I guess he's probably in Gryffindor or some shit because he's in his room...which, really, should be the Boy's Dormitory, as Hogwarts don't have specific rooms a la college. Then again, he could be in the other dormitory, the one where all students gather, who knows? A girl walks over...and get this, her name's Ebony.
As in Ebony Brown. As in the author's cousin and eventual beta reader/editor.
And no, there's no relation to the other Ebony
, but who the hell knows?
Ebony tells Michael that she's going to work with him to get rid of the evil
Hogwarts. She then suggests to him to read the Book of Ruth, as it will help him build his strength. And so the chapter ends with him reading it and going to sleep.
And the ending Author's Notes has him rant against deleting his awesome story. Yeah...
Let's move on with...
Like Chapter 2, this one is written by Noah. And...whatever goodwill this little guy had is instantly crushed with his Author's Note. Granted, it's about the time before he said "Screw This, I'm Outta Here!
" during the end chapters of The Prayer Warriors: The Evil Gods
, but this has to be seen to be believed.
Noah: "Just stop reviewing this fanfiction if you don't like it. We are only just warning you of the dangers of sinning. God will punish you unless you become a Christian. How simple is that? Why must you persecute us Christians? All you atheists suck! And Ebony is a Christian, not a Satanist ok! She has been named after a friend of mine. And Thomas is not a troll, and neither am I!"
That's right. Not only do we get the obligatory "Don't Like, Don't Read
", but he says the same damn thing his brother did. And...dude, get out of ancient times. No one (at least in the United States) is persecuting anyone.
When I thought that he was the sane one, I was wrong. Dead wrong. He's just as bad as his brother here.
Nothing can redeem him from this.
Michael wakes up with an electric shock. Why? Because all those precious little Satanists love to prank newcomers. In the hopes of twisting them to evil
and do pranks to other newcomers. In other words, good-old-fashioned hazing.
Which I'm sure is grounds for expelling people from Hogwarts. But then again, this isn't written in rational logic.
Michael prays to God that those people would be punished in Judgment Day. Dude...Disproportionate Retribution
When it comes to the Prayer Warriors and punishments, Disproportionate Retribution
is the name of the game.
In Potions, I swear to God that I'm not making this up, but Snape is having the class make bombs.
Professor Snape. I'm...sure that Potions class does not work that way.
Michael states in his narration that he thinks that they're planning an attack, maybe a church, but he doesn't know exactly what it is. And I'm sure that this plot point will never
be mentioned again. Also, he's making the bomb wrong, because he's playing along and trying to make sure that he doesn't let people know that he's a Christian.
...good God, here we go with the anvil drops.
In spell class (seriously, is it Transfiguration? Charms? Defense Against the Dark Arts? What?), they learn spells that make people faint...which would be used on unsuspecting Christians on dangerous places (like a cliff or a bridge). And another that can be used to have a victim get a heart attack. That's right, the Death Note isn't the only evil
thing that can be used to give victims heart attacks (after their name's written, of course, and this is a general way of how people die).
In fact, why those spells? Sure, there's a fainting sweet
in the Harry Potter world, but...what happened to the
evil spell, Avada Kedavra? The Killing Curse?
Oh, and what causes those spells to happen? Nothing grand like Victimna Faintoma!
(yes, it's made up on the top of my head), it's "Hail Satan". For every. Single. Spell. Spells do not work that way!
At lunch, Michael tries to figure out if there are any attacks on the Christian world. Nothing, but he decides to sneak a peek into Dumbledore's office because there might
be top-secret information. So he goes to Ebony and tells her about his plan, and she responds by saying to meet her...at night. So much for "letting people up at night" and not following that—in fact, again, do they even have a curfew? The actual Harry Potter world does!
Sorry for bringing that up again, but...unless if the guy has an Invisibility Cloak (which he doesn't because, you know, it's evil
magic and all), I don't see how he'll escape undetected.
So later at night, Michael meets Ebony near a certain hut. Inside has our favorite giant, Hagrid! Let's see how the story can fuck up his character. Apparentally, he used to be "A SATANIST!", but he has pretty much stopped and wants to see Hogwarts destroyed so he can make a cathedral.
Wait, what? Hagrid pretty much likes Hogwarts and teaching there! It's his home for God knows how long! What...
So Ebony tells Michael of a plan to get to Dumbledore's place. He must date one of the witches and gain her trust. He already has an idea about dating Ginny—wait, no, he doesn't want to date her. I'm thinking that he may have some hidden feelings for her if he's so adamant about it. ;)
The chapter ends with Michael agreeing to do it. And the Author's Note has Noah self-promoting his new story. Nothing more needs to be said here.
Will Michael manage to trick Ginny? Will Hogwarts be destroyed? Whose character will get derailed next? And how many parallels to My Immortal
will there be?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches!