Garfield: Quickie
Garfield is ready to get in his purple-pink bed when he notices: it's occupied by something very familiar-looking. He feels put out that Odie is sleeping there. He thinks Odie has nerve, and starts stomping on the covers. Odie walks up, and Garfield greets him, still stomping until he realizes... that couldn't be Odie. He lifts the covers. So much for his French bread and olive collection. (He has a food collection? Outside his stomach? Well, I guess there was the time he stuck food to the ceiling...) Odie snickers.
("Friends Are There")
"Pay careful attention, everyone. There'll be a quiz later."
Garfield: Identity Crisis
Garfield hums as he walks along the sidewalk with a tray. He enters a pet shop and puts the tray on a table. He puts a bowl with a fish in it on the tray, then a couple of cans of cat food... he starts to put a bird in a cage on there, but wants to wait 'til the bird grows up... next, a bowl with two fish with a fish food garnish, four cans of cat food, twelve more cans... then it registers that the owner is standing there looking quite cross. He hurriedly puts everything back and is thrown out, and his tray with him. He ends up on a trash can that's on its side, and with a banana peel draped on his neck. That's the last time he'll go to that cafeteria.
A mouse walks by, carrying Cartoon Cheese. (I suppose it could be a block of Swiss. It has the requisite holes, is just off white, and doesn't seem to be giving off any strong scent that I can see.) He spots Garfield, throws the cheese upward, and immediately goes into begging mode. (It does appear to be magical cheese; it disappeared.) The mouse claims a lack of nutritional value and high cholesterol. Garfield says he doesn't eat mice. The mouse goes on to claim a warning from the Surgeon General. Garfield is disgusted by the concept. The mouse finally recognizes the cat, and greets him by name. Garfield greets Floyd, and asks about the rat race. A bunch of rats run by. Floyd thinks Seymour is winning.
Speaking of running, there's a dogcatcher chasing, well, a dog. The dog squeezes through a hole in the fence, but the dogcatcher jumps over. The dog runs by Garfield and Floyd. Garfield thinks he's a little big to be in the race. A net comes down, scooping up... Garfield...? Garfield points to himself, then the man. We hear him think their respective identities in a stereotypically Tarzanish way.
The chief comes up and tells Ralph to put the cat down. Ralph immediately complies. The chief calls him the most incompetent on the squad. Ralph tries to speak in his own defense, but doesn't get more than a "But Mr. Mendelberg—" out before the chief tells his next mistake will get him fired. Ralph understands.
Garfield figures they should gets something to eat. He asks if Floyd likes lasagna. Just then, the dog returns to menace the cat. Garfield decides to growl and bark back. The dog asks why he's doing that, addressing him as "cat". Garfield asks where there's a cat, then pretends to realize the actual dog thinks, quite correctly, I might add, that Garfield is a cat. He gets Floyd in on the joke, and uses him as proof that he's not a cat, but a dog. (You know, because dogs don't chase anything but cats.) Garfield claims to be a Fido felinus, a dog that looks like a cat. (Because dogs primarily use sight, not smell, to identify things.) Garfield plays emperor's tailor by claiming that stupid people make that mistake, and that the dog is smart enough to know the difference. The dog falls for it, apologizes for the mix-up, and leaves with a good-natured slap on the back that knocks Garfield down.
Floyd thinks his ruse was pretty clever, and wonders if he might be taught a similar trick for when he's chased by cats. Garfield says he'll teach him to meow.
One wipe later, the lesson has begun. A few less-than-convincing tries from Floyd, and Garfield advises him to pinch his throat, and stretches his cheeks. Floyd tries it again, and asks what it sounds like. Garfield compares it to "a violin going through a trash masher." Floyd doesn't think he'll ever get it, but Garfield is encouraging, pointing out that he himself learned how to bark. He demonstrates, sending Ralph running. He figures he was right at first (even though that first time was sheer idiocy, unable to be explained by errors in timing), so it looks like this is Garfield's cue to run.
Ralph chases him a short way before stopping him to let the racing rats through. They continue, and Garfield hops into the leftmost of three garbage cans, putting the lid on. However, when Ralph lifts the correct lid, Garfield appears in the rightmost one. When Ralph looks at that one, he appears in the center. This goes on for a while, increasing in speed, until he comes out of a door in the side of the can (which, by the way, has no bottom) and tells the audience that he thinks we all know how that joke works by now. Ralph finally takes the lids off of all the cans and tosses them aside. He picks up the left can, looks inside, and tosses it, same with the one on the right. He sticks his head in the center and tells the "dog" that he's trapped. Garfield produces a drum mallet and hits the can, rattling Ralph for a bit. He talks to the operator, saying he has a bad connection. Garfield has wisely decided not to take advantage of Ralph's brief daze, so when he comes out of it, the chase resumes, Garfield ditching his mallet. Ralph tells him to come back. Garfield muses that he's yelling like he expects Garfield to do it.
Meanwhile, Floyd is meowing. The dog from earlier hears it, and looks. He pounces the mouse... then realizes that Floyd isn't a cat. Floyd says he's working on his impression. The dog calls it good, and says he does a pretty mean mouse, himself. He demonstrates. Floyd calls it overstated, and advises acting like he has something stuck in his teeth. The dog tries again, but figuring out what's wrong with it is eluding Floyd. He says to work on it and bring it back.
Just then, Garfield runs by. Ralph notices the dog he was chasing, and nets him... only for the dog to start squeaking. May not be up to Floyd's standards, but it sure fools Ralph, who reasons that mice — like the one standing nearby — squeak, not dogs. No sooner does he indicate Floyd than he breaks out his cat impression. Ralph's mind breaks, and he gets concentric brown and orange circles in his eyes. Then he hears barking, and nabs the source: Garfield. He rejoices over this success. Mr. Mendelberg, however, is there to point out otherwise, and is prepared to carry out his earlier threat. Ralph contradicts him, and instructs Garfield to bark. ... "Meow." Ralph realizes he's through, and Mr. Mendelberg says he's history. Ralph cackles madly, loudly proclaiming that Garfield is a dog. Mr. Mendelberg points out that he's a cat, and points out loudly that the animal in the net is a dog. Ralph, of course, says it's a mouse, and tells it to squeak. The dog shrugs. Ralph goes on to identify Floyd as a mouse, recalling its meow. He summarizes even as two larger men in similar uniform take him away and put him in the truck. His mental brokenness is such that he can't keep straight what was doing what.
As the truck pulls away, the three animals (sans net) stand watching. (I notice that Mr. Mendelberg makes no attempt to catch the dog himself, even though the net is already over him. But then, maybe he's only suited to administrative duties.) Floyd sympathizes. The dog wonders what now. Garfield thinks they have a great act. He barks, and the other two do their impressions. The three walk off together.
Up on a telephone pole, a bird scratches his head... and moooooooos before flying off.
Orson's Farm: Quickie
Wade is leaning up against the barn. Lanolin sneaks up behind him and says "Boo!" Wade, being Wade, takes off and lands at Roy's feet. Roy asks if he's going to let her get away with it. Wade guesses so, but Roy is adamant to the contrary. Wade is unsure.
Now Wade is wearing a football jersey into which straw has been stuffed, and Roy is stuffing even more in. The idea is for him to look tough. Roy sends him after Lanolin. Wade taps her on the shoulder. She looks... then we cut to Roy as Wade yelps offscreen. Wade staggers by, his bill scrunched, his jersey frayed at the edges, and his life ring dragging behind. "More straw?" "More straw."
Nooo, what you need is to pack it so it's less obvious that it is straw. Here's a hint: if it's sticking out of your shirt, it's too obvious.
Orson's Farm: The Bad Sport
Orson is in his waller reading as the fowl contingent of the main cast sits around, listening. He tells them it's a book about sports. Booker wonders about worm wrestling, his kind of sport. Sheldon is playing table tennis within his shell. Sports make Wade too nervous; during huddles in football, he thinks they're talking about him. Orson thinks they should try Pigball. Roy hasn't heard of it; neither has Orson, but hey, the rules are there. Booker is game, and Wade is willing as long as it isn't too dangerous, but Roy isn't willing, claiming to have more important things to do. (Apparently, they weren't more important then sitting around listening to Orson read.) Orson lets him go, figuring they'll find more players. They'll meet in the field. They disperse. Roy chuckles from behind a tree, having gotten an idea. He doesn't even know how he comes up with them!
Lanolin, predictably, refuses to play. Orson says it could be great. Lanolin, who doesn't like trying anything new, predicts that she won't like it. Bo comes on the scene, challenging her prediction. He begins to sing a song exhorting her not to be afraid of something new. This convinces her to try it.
Meanwhile, Roy is typing on a 12-key typewriter and singing a bit of a parody about playing tricks. He finishes with the new "rules" for Pigball, translated into Hawaiian. (Okay, not really; I just have too much fun with typewriters and computer keyboards that have too few keys.)
Orson asks Wade where the book is, but he thought Orson brought it. Orson remembers that it's by the barn, and goes to get it.
Roy conspicuously pastes the "New Rules For Pigball" over the old ones, leaves the book on a hay bale, and takes off. Orson arrives, picks up the book, and dashes back. Roy watches, chuckling once Orson is out of earshot.
Orson gets back to the players, opens the book, and... fails to notice that the title and alignment of the page has changed, as well as its contents, and any globs of paste that must be around *. The first rule is that "the blue team starts honking like geese until the red team does 30 pushups or sits in three banana cream pies, whichever occurs first." The players start looking at each other. "Play begins when the two captains toss a baked potato in the air. If it lands sour cream down, the game is immediately canceled and all players must immediately move to Scottsdale, Arizona and open a dry-cleaning business." Roy, who's been listening, dashes off to laugh at them. "The second inning cannot start until everyone puts on a bow tie and the captain of the blue team locates a live hippopotamus." At this point, Wade realizes that he's the captain of the blue team, and wants Orson to repeat what he has to find. Orson finds the spot again, and does so. Lanolin is skeptical, but Bo wants to give it a shot. Orson tosses the potato, topped with sour cream — and chives — into the air. To the relief of all involved, it lands sour cream up.
Bo starts honking while Lanolin does pushups. Lanolin wants him to hurry up, as she's sick of doing them... hey wait... wasn't the honking's duration dependent upon the performance of a set number of pushups, and not the other way around? Booker stands on a mushroom. Sheldon, sitting on a rock, tells him that if he doesn't sit on the pie, they lose 81 points. And here I thought the pie-sitting was the alternative to doing the pushups. Booker holds his beak, jumps in... and is unsure about the game.
Wade starts searching for a hippopotamus in locations that would be ridiculous in reality... but this is Garfield And Friends. We've already seen elephants in small boxes. Lanolin, pushups over, is balancing on a ball whilst a pail of water balanced on her head. She wonders why she has to do it, but Wade tells her not to complain, as he has to finds a hippo for 600 points. He dashes off, spinning her right around and sending pail and ball flying, the pail landing on her head. "I'm beginning to not like this game."
Roy laughs it up as Orson continues reading the rules. "The red team gets 11 points for every vegetable they impersonate while the blue team builds a statue of Arnold Schwarzenegger out of coleslaw—" Lanolin gets up and tosses the pail aside. "—and for six points, dress up like a cupcake and locate the Klopman diamond and—" At this point, Lanolin is fed up with Cal-- I mean, Pigball, and yells at him to stop. She declares it the stupidest game in the world before quitting. "Boy, what a bad sport," Booker says, but whether he's referring to Lanolin or the (intentionally) insane game is unknown.
While Lanolin is walking off, however, she spots a typewriter and a pot of glue, and here's the clincher, hears and sees Roy laughing at them as he repeats the "cupcake" rule and says they'll do anything. Now Lanolin's really mad, and sets herself down at the typewriter...
"All players with less than 300 points are required to change their names to Al." At this point, Roy figures it's time to stop them and let them know the true origin of the "game". The players glare at him. Lanolin comes up behind him, uncharacteristically cheery. She tells him his joke was great, but that he should play a real game with them: Rooster Ball. She hands him the rulebook. I'm not going to ask when she had time to get it bound or anything. Roy seems willing, and reads. "The object of rooster ball is to take the person with the most feathers and throw him in the mud hole." Roy realizes that he has all the feathers (untrue: there's Booker, but it leads to the same conclusion). He starts backing away as the others advance on him. He starts naming other games they could play, moving from physical games to card games, before dashing off, the others in pursuit. Roy continues suggesting as they run off into the sunset. Wade is disappointed, as he had just brought back a hippopotamus. He tells George to come on.
Garfield: Up A Tree
Jon pulls into the driveway, and comes in. He tells Garfield they have a visitor. Garfield doesn't want to be told it's Nermal, but Jon does so anyway, prompting Garfield to note his earlier request. The doorbell rings, and Jon leaves Nermal with Garfield to go answer it. Nermal makes his standard introduction, in spite of the fact that Garfield already knows and will probably send him to the UAE if he keeps it up. Garfield doesn't know if his can stand the excitement. Nermal says he's cute, and Garfield isn't. Garfield advises us to change the channel so we won't see what he's about to do. Plausible deniability, or is what he's about to do unfit for the audience's eyes? He drags Nermal off.
At the door, Jon apologetically tells a short plump woman holding out a tambourine that he has no unwanted items to donate. Garfield does, however: a tied-up Nermal whom he advises to send to Abu Dhabi, and to say he's a new kind of artificial sweetener. Jon swipes Nermal back.
Jon can't believe Garfield would try to give Nermal away. Garfield asks who's going to pay for him. Jon pets Nermal and point out his cuteness and lovability, and Nermal razzes Garfield, the combination prompting him to Face Palm.
Nermal watches a fly. He tells Garfield that humans think this is cute. What's "this"? Why, trying to swat the fly, of course! Jon laughs, and confirms Nermal's statement. Garfield decides that if he thinks chases flies is cute, Garfield will show him chasing flies. He makes use of a flyswatter; when the fly lands on a flower, his wild swinging hits the vase, to Jon's horror. He dives to catch it... and makes it, flowers falling gently around him. The fly flies by a recliner and end table with a lamp on it; Garfield knocks the table and lamp over and climbs the recliner in his pursuit. The fly lands on a clock on the mantle; it, the picture of a yellow-eared relative of Odie's, the candlestick, the other vase, and the painting are sent flying, but Jon catches them all on various appendages. (His head makes a hole in the painting, however.) The fly lands on the curtain; Garfield, having ditched the swatter, leaps for it, claws and teeth bared. His claws catch on the curtains, however, making vertical tears in them. The fly lands right in front of his face, and Garfield grabs it. His success is short-lived, however; instead of squashing it, he releases it. Garfield finds Jon standing over him, frowning. Cue the bass drums on the soundtrack! "Not cute?" asks Garfield.
Garfield is dropped on the front stoop. Garfield thought it was. At any rate, he's not impressed with cuteness. He figures anyone can be cute. He does up his face to be... cute? Uh... at any rate, he proceeds with where he was walking. He passes a tree, and tells it he's not climbing it today. He tells us that trees talk to cats, telling them to climb them. But Garfield is resisting... until right after he says he has tremendous willpower. Then he dashes for it. He scrambles up the tree and swings from a branch, remarking that it's hard to fight primal instincts. He decides to just jump down... before fear causes him to defy gravity — or at least aerodynamics — by flying back up to the branch, where he decides to stay there until rescued.
At the end of a branch, he finds a nest with eggs in it. He takes them, figuring one will be lunch, and the other, dinner. Then he spots rather large mama bird. (You can tell by the eyelashes, as any trained cartoon ornithologist — or cartoon zoologist of any type, really — will tell you.) She bares her teeth. He puts the eggs back, saying one will be Beatrice, and the other, Arthur
. The bird screeches, making him lose his balance and fall onto another branch, where he decides to wait until they miss him and go looking for him. He doesn't think it'll take long.
Eventually, sunset comes, and brings with it Nermal, to Garfield's disappointment. He asks what Garfield is doing in the tree. Garfield gets an idea. He tells Nermal that climbing trees is cute, and suggests he try it. When he doesn't respond, he calls, and looks around to see Nermal behind him. This startles him into jumping up and latching onto the branch above. Nermal asks if he said climbing trees was cute; Garfield says it's exceedingly so. He drops onto the branches with Nermal. He believes this will get the rescuers there more quickly. (Well, if Bernard, Bianca, and Orville don't think they'll get eaten — Garfield wouldn't eat Bernard or Bianca, but might make an attempt with Orville — they might be able to do something.)
A woman notices, and yells for someone to look, and to help. In a ridiculously short period of time, a fire truck is on the scene. People gather around, and the firefighters come with the ladder. A news camera watches. A news van is parked behind another vehicle. A ladder is leaned against the branch. The firefighter climbs up, takes Nermal, and climbs down as people cheer. Garfield is sure he's next... but the ladder is taken away, and Garfield isn't even rescued as an afterthought. The vehicles pull away, and the people disperse. Garfield asks if they didn't forget something, such as him.
Garfield is about to resign himself to spending the rest of his life up there... when Jon calls him! He stands with a ladder that's way too short and asks how he ever got stuck up there. Despite the ladder length, he manages to get it all the way to the branch. (Extending, perhaps?) He climbs up and lets on that he's been watching Garfield all day. This is not welcome news to Garfield. To make matters worse, Jon sits on the branch and recounts some cute things Nermal was doing. Garfield decides he's had enough and climbs down the ladder, taking it with him... leaving Jon stuck. Jon realizes what's going on and asks where he's going with the ladder. He calls for Garfield.
Inside, Nermal is batting yarn back and forth. As Garfield approaches, Nermal asks where Jon is. Garfield says he had work at the branch office. He then tells Nermal that Jon think it's cute when he sits on the TV and plays antenna. Nermal immediately goes to do it, sticking the rabbit ears on his head. He gets instructions from Garfield. He ends up on one foot leaning back, one paw holding the rabbit ears on. The picture clears, showing a sailboat. Jon's yelling it heard inside, which Garfield can't stand hearing... so he looks for something loud to watch... like Binky the Clown! Nermal is wondering how long he has to stay like that. Turns out the show is a 16-hour telethon to raise money to stamp out... 16-hour telethons. So Garfield's still watching, and Jon's still yelling...
Next time: Episode 7!
