Follow TV Tropes

Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

Go To


Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

Evergreen215 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 5:27:20 AM
Wait... the pilgrims are gone? We're not going to get any more pilgrim chapters? And the ones that died were the only ones that probably wouldn't be treated as antagonists?

AAARGH WHY TYRA WHY
206.248.32.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 7:25:00 AM
So here is the moral of the story, dear readers.

Girls shall be beautiful or be forgotten. If ye are beautiful, then ye shall risk all to be worshiped for your beauty. If ye are not beautiful, then ye shall risk all in an attempt to convince others that ye are. Men are worthless. They may be leaders, artists, hunters, gathers, builders, fathers, brothers, or lovers, but they are worthless. Men are never to be lovers if ye are beautiful. Ye have been stripped of thy period, henceforth, ye are sterile and have no need of love or sex If ye still want love or sex, ye shall be vexed with the skin of a hag and made an object of ridicule. If ye show bravery, ye shall die. If ye are prettier than the ones deemed worthy, ye shall die. If ye are interesting, ye shall die. If ye are logical, ye shall die. If ye have compassion, ye shall die. If ye entertain any thoughts not centered around thyself and thy own beauty and how either or both can be used to thy advantage, ye shall die. Women are meant to be seen, ogled, used as objects of desire and marketing, otherwise they shall surely die. Women are so vapid, they can be easily convinced that the ultimate goal in life is to covet the unattainable, defying moral and upbringing if they must, and never strive for anything beyond physical perfection. So shall they reduce the competition for the men in real life. The 99.99999% of the female population who don't rise to the apex of worship must instill the same rabid need for material perfection in their offspring, or else they have failed both family and society.

gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 12:57:11 PM
Since you put it that way,this book is sexist. Or warped beyond reason. Your pick.
psycher7 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 1:20:23 PM
"I'm your leader, not a magician, dear," Creamy said dryly.

"Oh my Lord!" Creamy began to run in hysterical circles. "My babies! Somebody get my babies!"

What a hypocritical BITCH. What's that? You just saw your mother get sliced in half? Suck it up. Oh noes, my daughter (and doll) is merely threatened without actually being hurt yet! Everyone, risk your lives for them!
209.91.185.171 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 2:21:54 PM
Cue little girls being scarred for life reading this book.
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 5:50:44 PM
I feel really sad now that the pilgrimage seems to be over. It just feels like such an anti-climactic way for their story to end. That scene with Abigail is especially strange, why did she choose then to suddenly go crazy? How could she shave off ALL of her body hair in what appears to be a few seconds? Why did Hunchy find her attractive? He's a lizard man! Unless she has awesome scales and a tail that goes on forever under that robe I'm not seeing where the attraction would be.

Speaking of Hunchy, I just realized something. I think he might have practical reasons for wanting Piper dead on top of the personal ones I assume he has. If Piper becomes an Intoxibella she'll get one of 7 powers, all of them if she's lucky. The powers have dumb names but most of them are actually pretty devastating if used correctly. Piper and her people are at war with the Lizard Folk and appear to have a massive technological advantage over them. If she gets any of the more useful powers then she will have the power to end the war in Sanscolor's favor. We know that Piper is a "sweet" person but to the Lizard Folk she's shaping up to be a Dark Messiah that will either wipe them off the face of the earth or turn them into slaves of fashion. With the destruction of his race looming over his head and the loss off his family eating away at his mind a hunchbacked lizard man decides to risk it all. He will cross the Diabolical Divide and slay the Dark One before her power awakens, or he will die trying.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 23rd 2012 at 6:38:26 PM
I don't mind the "muses" not being the traditional muses. It just doesn't bother me. *shrug*

At least this book averts Men Are The Expendible Gender... in the wrong way. *sigh*

At least this dreck has a body count to make it somewhat interesting.
206.248.32.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 24th 2012 at 3:35:57 AM
The more I think about this, I actually feel sorry for snarking at the book. No one sits down and tries to write something awful, they write the best they can and truly think/hope that others will love it, too. Having it ridiculed is too painful.
RosesSpindle Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 24th 2012 at 10:18:28 AM
"No one sits down and tries to write something awful..."

What about people who are going for Stylistic Suck, or end up with a Springtime For Hitler scenario, or just out-and-out trolls?

And eugh, that whole mess with Abigail. Aside from not making any frickin' sense (yeah, like she's going to end up with perfectly smooth, glowing, gorgeous skin without any cuts or razor burn by scraping a knife all over her body in some kind of berserk rage without applying any water or shaving cream first), it just shrieks "Unfortunate Implications." "Oh, poor Abigail. If only she had gone to a salon and gotten everything waxed, she could have realized that she already fit this world's exceedingly narrow standards of beauty. Instead, she foolishly tried to challenge the status quo and died horribly because of it. Let her tragedy be a lesson to us all."
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 24th 2012 at 12:56:16 PM
Dr Dahm, I actually agree with you. We also have to remeber that Piper has a fear of the Lizard Men. Chameeleoné, Multiplicity, Teleportaling are standard powers in comic book. Seduksheeon could seduce the men of his tride into submision. Excite-To-Buy could subduce the entire tribe. Thirty Never and Sixx Sensa beyond useless in combat situations. Going by that, Hunchy has another good reason to kill piper. Thus making him a little more heroic.

I wanted to say this earlier but I forgot about it. But here it goes. It's strange that we see in four chapters that we gain interest in a group of characters like these. But that's because they somehow have a reasonable motivation and some developement. It's also kinda pathetic that it takes over 32 chapters and so little action amongs our main plot.

And Lady Momus, I agree these four chapters are the best part of the book, and with the most interesting characters. Odd how these four are better that the rest.

Gante Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 25th 2012 at 9:40:02 AM
@246.208, I don't feel bad at all. This whole book shreiks "Look how brilliant I am!" Authors who are infatuated with their own cleverness need a rebuke, and subtlety would be lost on Tyra. If she can't handle rejection, she can't call herself a writer.

This book is an abomintation in the eyes of the Gods of Literature and a cowpie thrown in the fair face of Fantasy. It deserve all the wrath snarkers can pour on it.
gekkolexicon Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 25th 2012 at 11:50:08 AM
I agree with you Gante. This is the kind of book that if it was a living being I'd be willing to be the shit out of it, maybe to the death.

I think I may have a book that may be able to top this piece of shit. The book was given to me by a classmate who got from somebody who was giving it away from outside one of my school buildings (in case you are wondering, I go to a university and it may have been the author who was giving it out). She said the book was horrible. And I agree from the few pages I read and the fact that they were handing them out for free. Well you know it's a bad sign when someone's giving out there book for free in front of a university. It's also an uneasy sign if it's self published.

one last thing: awhile ago I finnished this book called True Talents that does this shift from one point of view/story and story merge better than this book. I recommend that one and its prequel.
99.111.128.246 Since: Dec, 1969
Feb 25th 2012 at 9:29:25 PM
They're not dead (I've read it). But things don't get better when they do resurface (we get Creamy's backstory, and it's pretty messed up).
Top