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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 4th 2011 at 12:13:41 PM
I hate to rush to this book's defense, but I'm not so sure that's a misuse of "literally." Literally means "exactly; correctly; as written," doesn't it? And she was "grounded" by being put upon the ground. "Grounded" is usually metaphorical, i.e. stuck in one's room, or restricted from some activity ("grounded from" doing something); in this case, it's used in an exact sense of being stuck on the ground.

As for "Yonzi" sceme, the Ponzi scheme was named after a real person, so she could've been trying to create a "fantasy feel" by changing the name around. So, yeah.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 4th 2011 at 1:13:49 PM
My main problem with saying she was literally grounded, is that she wasn't put on the ground. She was put on the floor.

I'll admit that I'm being nitpicky, but stuff like that bugs me.
MrAHR Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 4th 2011 at 1:54:45 PM
Unless she was flying, there is no literal grounding.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 4th 2011 at 7:27:33 PM
The definition of "ground" as a verb means simply "to lay or place upon the earth," going by Dictionary.com. No mention of it having to pertain to flight.
MangaManiac Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 5th 2011 at 10:37:15 AM
Another definition of grounding would be to ground her up into dust as punishment.

Tough love, man.
Fancolors Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 5th 2011 at 10:22:18 AM
  • reads the liveblog*

Hooboy... I now fully believe that this wasn't written by a ghostwriter. Unfortunately, I don't know whether this is a good thing or not.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 5th 2011 at 11:17:59 AM
Fancolors: In my opinion, the book is So Bad Its Good. So far, I am thoroughly enjoying it.
72.200.79.116 Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 5th 2011 at 5:11:34 PM
Don't mix ammonia and bleach, you moroon! /moreyouknow

(Not you, the book.)
Merlo Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 9:20:55 PM
What the... what the hell?? This is the most insipid crap I've ever seen published.
vanishingreality Since: Dec, 1969
Nov 7th 2011 at 12:24:32 PM
This story was published on its own merits and not because the writer is a already-known celebrity. -breaks nearby sarcasm detectors-
SKJAM Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 3rd 2012 at 10:15:30 AM
Large cities may contain sections in more than one county. So yes, there could be a Shiverly County hospital.
CaligulaSympathizer Since: Dec, 1969
Mar 29th 2012 at 8:30:34 PM
Noooo, the over-used Alpha Bitch tropes...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
sliz225 Since: Dec, 1969
Jun 5th 2012 at 5:20:41 PM
"How I wish I could hand her a pair of loofah mitts or offer her a scalding bath with he essential oils of eucalyptus, bergamot and ylang-ylang . . ." Sic? Or did you accidentally type "with 'he' essential" instead of "with 'the' essentials?"
Mort08 Since: Dec, 1969
Jun 20th 2012 at 8:38:25 PM
I should probably stop reading, as this is making me want to assassinate Tyra Banks.
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