History Quotes / Discworld

[[folder:The Last Hero]]

[[folder: memorable quotes by Terry Pratchett himself, about the Discworld, or just in general]]

[[folder:Wintersmith]]

[[folder:RaisingSteam]]

[[folder:Pyramids]]

[[folder:The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents]]

[[folder:The Light Fantastic]]

[[folder:Mort]]

[[folder:Hogfather]]

[[folder:The Colour Of Magic]]

[[folder:Sourcery]]

[[folder:Eric]]

[[folder:Wyrd Sisters]]

[[folder:Maskerade]]

[[folder:Jingo]]

[[folder:Thud]]

-> 'He created me. ''Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? ''WhoWatchesTheWatchmen? Me. I watch him. Always. [[BattleInTheCenterOfTheMind You will not force him to murder for you.']]

->Who knew what sane me were capable of?

->He was a good copper. That had got said at every guard funeral Vimes had ever attended. If d probably be said even at Corporal Nobbs' funeral, although everyone would have their fingers crossed behind their backs. It was what you had to say.

->The exchange scheme with the Quirm gendarmerie was working very well: they were getting instruction on policing à la Vimes, while the food in the Pseudopolis Yard canteen had been improved out of all recognition by Captain Emile, even though he used far too much avec.

-> As the cauldron bubbled, an eldritch voice shrieked, "When shall we three meet again?"\\\

-> “I hate cats.”\\\

-> "'Tis not right, a woman going into such places by herself."\\\

->“And then, I hope, we shall leave him to fight his battles in his own way.”\\\

->On the rare maps on the Ramtops that existed, it was spelled Überwald. But Lancre people had never got the hang of accents and certainly didn’t agree with trying to balance two dots on another letter, where they’d only roll off and cause unnecessary punctuation.

“—Ai! Hao—''gng! Gnh? [[OhCrap Ohsheeeeeeohsheeeeeee…”]] ''

->“And the Angel clothéd all in white opened the Iron Book, and a ''fifth'' rider appeared in a chariot of burning ice, and there was a snapping of laws and a breaking of bonds and the multitudes cried ‘Oh God, we’re in trouble now!’”

-> '''Polly:''' “O-kay. That gives us the cheese. And she meets, let’s see, a soldier, a sailor, a jolly ploughboy, or just possibly a man clothéd all in leather, I expect? No, since it’s about us, it’s a soldier, right? And since it’s one of the Ins-and-Outs…oh dear, I feel a humorous double-entendre coming on. Just one question: what item of her clothing fell down or came untied?”

-->"Where do you get that sort of money from, Sandra Battye?" demanded Rosie.
-->"Well, you for one. I have a contract with the Seamstresses' Guild for ongoing repairs of clothing which sometimes gets damaged in the course of normal business. You do get over-enthusiastic clients who find buttons and hooks and eyes hard to manage? Seams are split occasionally in the haste to undress and be undressed? So you ''seamstresses'' send the clothing items to we ''prostitutes'' for repair and fine adjustment? And in any case we've been preparing for this moment for a year or two now. My Lord, there are relatively few of us, and demand for our services always exceeds supply. It hasn't been terribly difficult to build a surplus fund in a bank account, especially now Mr von Lipwig is offering interest on business accounts."

-> The Marquis of Fantailler got into many fights in his youth, most of them as a result of being known as the Marquis of Fantailler, and wrote a set of rules for which he termed “the noble art of fisticuffs” which mostly consisted of a list of places where people weren’t allowed to hit him. Many people were impressed with his work and later stood with noble chest outthrust and fists balled in a spirit of manly aggression against people who hadn’t read the Marquis’s book but ''did'' know how to knock people senseless with a chair. The last words of a surprisingly large number of people were “Stuff the bloody Marquis of Fantailler—”

->The exchange scheme with the Quirm gendarmerie was working very well: they were getting instruction on policing à la Vimes, while the food in the Pseudopolis Yard canteen had been improved out of all recognition by Captain Emile, even though he used far too much avec.

--> “You said your mummy knows about the big bad wolf in the woods, didn’t you?”
--> “That’s right.”
--> “But ''nevertheless'' she sent [[LittleMissSnarker you]] out by yourself to take those goodies to your granny?”
--> “That’s right. Why?”
--> “Nothing. [[UriahGambit Just thinking]]."

->On the rare maps on the Ramtops that existed, it was spelled Überwald. But Lancre people had never got the hang of accents and certainly didn’t agree with trying to balance two dots on another letter, where they’d only roll off and cause unnecessary punctuation.

->"..if I hears a single word I understand, well, I’m standing behind you with a pointy stick." [[labelnote:**]] Lancre people considered that anything religious that wasn’t said in some ancient and incomprehensible speech probably wasn’t the genuine article.[[/labelnote]]

->"Stercus, stercus, stercus, moriturus sum." [[labelnote:Translation]] Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, I'm gonna die.[[/labelnote]]

-> "My granny says that dying is like going to sleep," Mort added, a shade hopefully.
-> [[AC:I wouldn't know. I have done neither.]]


-> "Pardon me for living, I'm sure."
-> [[AC:No-one gets pardoned for living.]]

->"He remembered the knowledge. He remembered his mind feeling as cold as ice and limitless as the night sky. He remembered being summoned into reluctant existence at the moment the first creature lived, in the certain knowledge that he would outlive life until the last being in the universe passed to its reward, when it would then be his job, figuratively speaking, to put the chairs on the tables and turn the lights off.
->He remembered the loneliness."

-> One said, That is the point. The word is him. Becoming a personality is inefficient. We don’t want it to spread. Supposing gravity developed a personality? Supposing it decided to like people?
-> One said, Got a crush on them, sort of thing?

-> "Windle!” he said. “We thought you were dead!”
-> He had to admit that it wasn’t a very good line. You didn’t put people on a slab with candles and lilies all round them because you think they’ve got a bit of a headache and want a nice lie down for half an hour.

-> '''The Chief Priest of Blind Io:''' “I haven’t felt like this since Mrs. Cake was one of my flock.”
-> '''Archchancellor Ridcully:''' “Mrs. Cake? What’s a Mrs. Cake?”
-> '''The Chief Priest of Blind Io:''' “You have ... ghastly Things from the Dungeon Dimensions and things, yes? Terrible hazards of your ungodly profession?”
-> '''Archchancellor Ridcully:''' “Yes.”
-> '''The Chief Priest of Blind Io:''' “We have someone called Mrs. Cake.”

-> It was another day. Cyril the cockerel stirred on his perch.
-> The chalked words glowed in the half light. He concentrated.
-> He took a deep breath.
-> “Dock-a-loodle-fod!”
-> Now that the memory problem was solved, there was only the dyslexia to worry about.

->"Being needed is important.
->[[AC: Yes. But why?]]
->"I don't know. How should I know? Because we're all in this together, I suppose. Because we don't leave our people in there. Because you're a long time dead. Because anything is better than being alone. Because humans are human."

-> Words have always had the power to change the world.
-> BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor. You never know who will be listening.
-> Or what, for that matter.

-> There was a brass plate screwed on the wall beside the door. It said: “C V Cheesewaller, DM (Unseen), B. Thau, B.F.”
-> [[BaitAndSwitchComment It was the first time Susan had ever heard metal speak]].

-> '''Colon:''' “What do you mean, what’s his first name?”
-> '''Nobby:''' “What’s his first name?”
-> '''Colon:''' “He’s Death. ''Death''. That’s his whole name. I mean…what do you mean?…you mean like…''Keith'' Death?”

-> '''Glod:'''“In my experience, what every true artist wants, really ''wants'', [[MoneyDearBoy is to be paid]].”
-> '''Buddy:''' “And famous."
-> '''Glod:''' “Famous I don’t know about. It’s hard to be famous and alive. I just want to play music every day and hear someone say, ‘Thanks, that was great, here is some money, same time tomorrow, okay?’”

-> Bee There Orr Bee A Rectangular Thyng
-> They Are Totallye Unable To Bee Seene! And A Longe Way Oute!

->[[AC:It's the expression on their little faces I like.]]
-> "You mean sort of fear and awe and not knowing whether to laugh or cry or wet their pants?"
->[[AC: Yes. Now ''that'' is what I call belief.]]

->[[AC:Down in the deepest kingdoms of the sea, where there is no light, there lives a type of creature with no brain and no eyes and no mouth. It does nothing but live and put forth petals of perfect crimson where none are there to see. It is nothing except a tiny "yes" in the night. And yet... and yet... it has enemies that bear on it a vicious, unbending malice, who wish not only for its tiny life to be over but also that it had never existed. Are you with me so far?]]
->"Well, yes, but--"
->[[AC:Good. Now, ''imagine what they think of humanity''.]]

->[[AC:Then take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then ''show'' me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. And yet -- . And yet you act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some... some ''rightness'' in the universe by which it may be judged.]]
->“Yes, but people have ''got'' to believe that, or what’s the ''point''—”
->[[AC:My point exactly.]]

->It’s amazing how good governments are, given their track record in almost every other field, at hushing up things like alien encounters.
-> One reason may be that the aliens themselves are too embarrassed to talk about it.
->It’s not known why most of the space-going races of the universe want to undertake rummaging in Earthling underwear as a prelude to formal contact. But representatives of several hundred races have taken to hanging out, unsuspected by one another, in rural corners of the planet and, as a result of this, keep on abducting other would-be abductees. Some have been in fact abducted while waiting to carry out an abduction on a couple of other aliens trying to abduct the aliens who were, as a result of misunderstood instructions, trying to form cattle into circles and mutilate crops.
->The planet Earth is now banned to all alien races until they can compare notes and find out how many, if any, real humans they have actually got. It is gloomily suspected that there is only one—who is big, hairy and has very large feet.

->'''Igor:''' “Oh, yeth. We are ready to grathp the future with both handth, thur.”
->'''Jeremy:'''“—And four thumbs—”
->'''Igor:''' “Yeth, thur. We can grathp like ''anything''.”

->'''Jeremy:''' “This one is signed by someone called Mad Doctor Scoop.”
->'''Igor:''' “Oh, he wathn’t actually ''named'' Mad, thur. It wath more like a nickname, ath it were.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “Was he mad, then?”
->'''Igor:''' “Who can thay, thur.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “And Crazed Baron Haha? It says under Reason for Leaving that he was crushed by a burning windmill.”
->'''Igor:''' “Cathe of mithtaken identity, thur.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “Really?”
->'''Igor:''' “Yeth, thur. I underthtand the mob mithtook him for Thcreaming Doctor Berthserk, thur.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “Oh. Ah, yes. Who you also worked for, I see.”
->'''Igor:''' “Yeth, thur.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “And who died of blood poisoning?”
->'''Igor:''' “Yeth, thur. Cauthed by a dirty pitchfork.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “And… Nipsie the Impaler?”
->'''Igor:''' “Er… would you believe he ran a kebab thhop, thur?”
->'''Jeremy:''' “Did he?”
->'''Igor:''' “Not ''conventionally'' tho, thur.”


->“My name,” said Lu-Tze, leaning on his broom as the irate ting raised a hand, “[[FamedInStory is Lu-Tze]].”
-> The dojo went silent. The attacker paused in midbellow.
->“—Ai! Hao—''gng! Gnh? [[OhCrap Ohsheeeeeeohsheeeeeee…”]] ''

->“No one would be that stu—”
->Susan stopped. Of course someone would be that stupid. Some humans would do anything to see if it was possible to do it. If you put a large switch in some cave somewhere, with a sign on it saying “End-of-the-World Switch. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH,” [[SchmuckBait the paint wouldn’t even have time to dry]].


->'''Madam Frout:''' “Algebra? But that’s far too difficult for seven-year-olds!”
->'''Susan:''' “Yes, but I didn’t tell them that and [[AchievementsInIgnorance so far they haven’t found out]].”

->'''Jeremy:''' “I’m not ''sure'' I’ve got any work for you, though. “I’ve got a new commission, but I’m not sure how… anyway, ''I’m'' not insane!”
->'''Igor:''' “That’th not compulthory, thur.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “I’ve actually got a piece of paper that ''says'' I’m not, you know.”
->'''Igor:''' “Well ''done'', thur.”
->'''Jeremy:''' “Not many people have one of those!”
->'''Igor:''' “Very true, thur.”

->Sometimes the gods have no taste at all. They allow sunrises and sunsets in ridiculous pink and blue hues that any professional artist would dismiss as the work of some enthusiastic amateur who’d never looked at a real sunset. This was one of those sunrises. It was the kind of sunrise a man rises and looks at and says, “No ''real'' sunrise could paint the sky Surgical Appliance Pink.”
-> Nevertheless, it was beautiful.[[note]] But not tasteful.[[/note]]

->“And the Angel clothéd all in white opened the Iron Book, and a ''fifth'' rider appeared in a chariot of burning ice, and there was a snapping of laws and a breaking of bonds and the multitudes cried ‘Oh God, we’re in trouble now!’”

->'''Teacher:''' “I remember. You asked all those…little questions.”
->'''Tiffany:''' “I would like a question answered today."
->'''Teacher:''' “Provided it’s not the one about how you get baby hedgehogs."
->'''Tiffany:''' “No. It’s about zoology."
->'''Teacher:''' “Zoology, eh? That’s a big word, isn’t it.”
->'''Tiffany:''' “No, actually it isn’t. ''Patronizing'' is a big word. Zoology is really quite short.”

->'''Toad:''' 'Er ... you want to bring them back, then?'
->'''Tiffany:''' 'Yes!'
->'''Toad:''' 'It's just that's something not many people have ever wanted to do. They're not like brownies. If you get Nac Mac Feegles in the house, it's usually best to move away.'



->'''Miss Tick:''' “You could say this advice is priceless. Are you listening?”
->'''Tiffany:''' “Yes."
->'''Miss Tick:'''“Good. Now…if you trust in yourself…”
->'''Tiffany:''' “Yes?”
->'''Miss Tick:'''“…and believe in your dreams…”
->'''Tiffany:''' “Yes?”
->'''Miss Tick:'''“…and follow your star…”
->'''Tiffany:''' “Yes?”
->'''Miss Tick:'''“…you’ll still get beaten by people who spent ''their'' time working hard and learning things and weren’t so lazy. Good-bye.”

->'''Rob Anybody:''' “We canna just rush in, ye ken.”
->'''Big Yan:''' “Point ’o order, Big Man. Ye ''can'' just rush in. We ''always'' just rush in.”
->'''Rob Anybody:''' “Aye, Big Yan, point well made. But ye gotta know ''where'' ye’re just gonna rush in. Ye canna just rush in ''anywhere''. It looks bad, havin’ to rush oout again straight awa’.”

-> Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra
->colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never
->leaving.

-> It turned out that when Miss Level had asked Tiffany if she was scared of heights, it had been the wrong question. Tiffany was not afraid of heights at all. She could walk past tall trees without batting an eyelid. Looking up at huge towering mountains didn’t bother her a bit.
-> What she ''was'' afraid of, although she hadn’t realized it until this point, was depths. She was afraid of dropping such a long way out of the sky that she’d have time to run out of breath screaming before hitting the rocks so hard that she’d turn to a sort of jelly and all her bones would break into dust. She was, in fact, afraid of the ground. Miss Level should have thought before asking the question.

-> '''Daft Wullie:''' “Is somethin’ wrong?”
-> '''Jeannie:''' “Aye! Rob willna tak’ a drink o’ [[GargleBlaster Special Sheep Liniment]]!”
-> '''Daft Wullie:''' “Ach, the Big Man’s ''deid''! Oh waily waily waily—”
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Will ye hush yer gob, ye big mudlin! I am no’ deid! I’m trying to have a [[SeriousBusiness moment o’ existential dreed here]], right?"

->Lovely to look at
-> Nice to hold
-> If you drop it
-> [[ShopliftAndDie You get torn apart by wild horses]]

->“Are you sure?”
->“I walk safely in ''my'' mountains.”
->“But aren’t there trolls and wolves and things?”
->“Oh, yes. Lots.”
->“And they don’t try to attack you?”
->“[[NeverMessWithGranny Not anymore.]]”

-> '''Miss Treason:''' “This seems an honorable enterprise. Why start by lying?”
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Oh, the lie wuz goin’ tae be a lot more interestin’.”
-> '''Miss Treason:''' “The truth of the matter seems quite interesting to me.”
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Mebbe, but I wuz plannin’ on puttin’ in giants an’ pirates an’ magic weasels. Real value for the money!”

-> '''Miss Treason:''' "Oh, I know all about those stories. I made up most of them!”
-> '''Tiffany: ''' “You made up stories about ''yourself''?”
-> '''Miss Treason:''' “Oh, yes. Of course. Why not? I couldn’t leave something as important as that to ''amateurs''.”

-> Rob turned the rustling pages and grinned. “Ach, she’s writ here: ''Oh, the dear Feegles ha’ turned up again'',” he said.
-> This met with general applause.
-> “Ach, what a kind girl she is tae write that,” said Billy Bigchin. “Can I see?” He read: ''Oh dear, the Feegles have turned up again''.

-> '''Petulia:''' “Then it’s all obvious. He’s a boy.”
-> '''Tiffany:''' “What?”
-> '''Petulia:''' “A boy. You know what they are? Blush, grunt, mumble, wibble? They’re pretty much all the same.”

-> [[AC:'''death:''' mustard is always tricky]]
-> '''Miss Treason:'''“No mustard? What about pickled onions?”
-> [[AC: '''death:''' pickles of all sorts don't seem to make it. i'm sorry.]]
-> '''Miss Treason:''' “No relishes in the next world? That’s dreadful! What about chutneys?”

-> Tiffany had looked up “strumpet” in the Unexpurgated Dictionary, and found it meant “a woman who is no better than she should be” and “a lady of easy virtue.” This, she decided after some working out, meant that [[DirtyOldWoman Mrs. Gytha Ogg]], known as Nanny, was a very respectable person. [[LiteralMinded She found virtue easy]], for one thing. And if she was no better than she should be, then she was just as good as she ought to be.
-> She had a feeling that Miss Treason hadn’t meant this, but you couldn’t argue with logic.

-> '''Tiffany:''' "What else can I expect apart from…well, the feet?”
-> '''Miss Tick:''' “I’m, er, checking. Ah…it says here that she was, I mean is, fairer than all the stars in heaven….”
--> [[{{Beat}} They all looked at Tiffany]].
-> '''Nanny Ogg:''' “[[HollywoodHomely You could try doing something with your hair]]."

-> '''Rob Anybody:''' Er…I dinna wanta be a knee aboot this, but why is ye all here freezin’ tae death?”
-> '''Head Librarian:''' “Our oxen wandered off, and alas, the snow’s too deep to walk through.”
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Aye. But youse got a stove an’ all them dry ol’ books.”
-> '''Head Librarian:''' “Yes, we know.”
-> There was the kind of wretched pause you get when two people aren’t going to understand each other’s point of view at all.

-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “An’ hoo come ye ken whut name a cheese has?”
-> '''Daft Wullie:''' “He told me, Rob.”
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Aye? Oh, okay. I wouldna argue wi’ a cheese.”

->'''Nanny Ogg:''' “The Wintersmith will chase our girl, though.”
-> '''Granny Weatherwax:''' “Yes, he will. And, you know, [[LittleMissBadAss I almost feel sorry for him]].”


-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “And ye know how tae fight?”
-> '''Roland:''' “I’ve read the ''Manual of Swordsmanship ''all the way through!”
-> [[{{Beat}} *beat*]]
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Ah, I think I’ve put ma finger on a wee flaw in this plan….”

-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “An’ this one is a lot harder than Abker, right? That one was easy! An’ a very predictable plot. Whoever writted that book didna stretch himself, in ma opinion.”
-> '''Billy Bigchin:''' “You mean ''The ABC''?”
-> '''Rob Anybody:''' “Aye.”

-> '''Wee Mad Arthur''': ‘Whereas ye are a bunch of thieving drunken reprobates and scoff-laws with no respect for the law whatsoever!’
-> '''Rob Anybody''': ‘Would you no’ mind adding the words drunk and disorderly? We wouldnae want to be sold short here.’

->'I have never been so insulted before in my life'
->' Really? I'm genuinely surprised.'

-> '''Mr. Pump:''' 'I Worked It Out. You Have Killed Two Point Three Three Eight People.'
-> '''Moist von Lipwig:''' 'I have never laid a finger on anyone in my life, Mr. Pump. I may be -- all the things you know I am, but I am ''not'' a killer! I have never so much as drawn a sword!'
-> '''Mr. Pump:''' 'No, You Have Not. But You Have Stolen, Embezzled, Defrauded And Swindled Without Discrimination, Mr Lipvig. You Have Ruined Businesses And. Destroyed Jobs. When Banks Fail, It Is Seldom Bankers Who Starve. Your Actions Have Taken Money From Those Who Had Little Enough To Begin With. In A Myriad Small Ways You Have ''Hastened'' The Deaths Of Many. You Do Not Know Them. You Did Not See Them Bleed. But You Snatched Bread From Their Mouths And Tore Clothes From Their Backs. For Sport, Mr Lipvig. For Sport. For The Joy Of The Game.’

-> '''Anghammarad:''' 'Neither Deluge Nor Ice Storm Nor The Black Silence Of The Netherhells Shall Stay These Messengers About Their Sacred Business. Do Not Ask Us About Sabre-Tooth Tigers, Tar Pits, Big Green Things With Teeth Or The Goddess Czol.’
-> '''Tropes:''' 'You had big green things with teeth back then?’
-> '''Anghammarad:''' 'Bigger. Greener. More Teeth.’
-> '''Moist:''' 'And the goddess Czol?’
-> '''Anghammarad:''' ‘Do Not Ask.’

-> And he was employing an Igor, everyone knew, which of course was sensible when you had such a high veterinary overhead, but you heard stories ... [[note]] That, for example, stolen horses got dismantled at dead of night and might well turn up with a dye job and two different legs. And it was said that there was one horse in Ankh-Morpork that had a longitudinal seam from head to tail, being sewn together from what was left of two horses that had been involved in a particularly nasty accident.[[/note]]

-> '''Dr. Lawn:''' Yes, his trousers were the subject of a controlled detonation after one of his socks exploded. We’re not sure why.’
-> '''Moist:''' ‘He fills them with sulphur and charcoal to keep his feet fresh, and he soaks his trousers in saltpetre to prevent Gnats.’

-> '''Moist:''' 'So now you’re, what was it again ... crackers?’
-> '''Mad Al:''' 'That’s right. Because we can crack the system.'
-> '''Moist:''' 'That sounds a bit over-dramatic when you’re just doing it with lamps, doesn’t it?’
-> '''Sane Alex:''' 'Yes, but "flashers" was already taken.’

-> '''Moist:''' 'But I don't know anything about running a bank!'
-> '''Vetinari:''' 'Good. No preconceived ideas.'
-> '''Moist:''' 'I've ''robbed'' banks!'
-> '''Vetinari:''' 'Capital! Just reverse your thinking. The money should be on the ''inside''!

-> The lady in the boardroom was certainly an attractive woman, but since she worked for the ''Times'' Moist felt unable to award her total ladylike status. Ladies didn't fiendishly quote exactly what you said but didn't exactly mean, or hit you around the ear with unexpectedly difficult questions. Well, come to think of it, they did, quite often, but ''she'' got paid for it.
-> But, he had to admit, [[IntrepidReporter Sacharissa Cripslock]] was fun.

->'''Colon:''' “Now you see, that was good. He went right through the cab window without touching the sides and bounced off that bloke creepin’ up. Very nice roll as he landed, I thought, and he still had hold of the little dog the whole time. Done it before, I shouldn’t wonder. Nevertheless, I’m forced, on balance, to consider him a twit.”
->'''Nobby:''' “The first cab. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I would not have thought it of a man like him.”
->'''Colon:''' “My point exactly. When you know you’ve got enemies at large, never, ever get in the first cab. Fact of life. Even things what live under rocks know it.”

->Children were climbing on the golem in the square, despite the efforts of the watchmen who were guarding it. [[labelnote:**]] Who was being guarded from whom was not, at this point, either certain or germane.'' Guarding was in the process of happening''.[[/labelnote]]

-> ''Quia Ego Sic Dico'' [[note]] Because I say so[[/note]]

->'''Of the Twilight the Darkness:''' "And how is Mister Slightly Damp?"
->'''Adora Belle:''' "''Moist'' is fine, my friend, and surely you know my husband doesn’t like the name you goblins have given him. He thinks you’re doing it on purpose."
->'''Of the Twilight the Darkness:''' "You want that we stop doing it?"
->'''Adora Belle:''' "Oh, no! It teaches him a lesson in humility. I think he needs to go to university on that score."

-> [[AC: Please do not panic. You are merely dead.]]

--> '''[[{{Mummy}} Pteppicymon XXVII]]:''' “What’s my son got to say about all this?”
--> '''Dil:''' “Don’t know how to tell you this, sir.”
--> '''Pteppicymon XXVII:''' “Out with it, man.”
--> '''Dil:''' “Sir, they say he’s dead, sir. They say he killed himself and ran away.”
--> '''Pteppicymon XXVII:''' “Killed himself?”
--> '''Dil:''' “Sorry, sir.”
--> '''Pteppicymon XXVII:''' “And ran away afterward?”
--> '''Dil:''' “On a camel, they say.”
--> '''Pteppicymon XXVII:''' “We lead an active afterlife in our family, don’t we?”

-> "It looks worse than you can imagine!"
-> "I can imagine some pretty bad things!"
-> "That's why I said ''worse''!"

->"What's a philosopher ?" said Brutha.\\

-> There are, it has been said, [[ThereAreTwoKindsOfPeopleInTheWorld two types of people in the world]]. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: this glass is half full. And then there are those who say: this glass is half empty.
->The world ''belongs'', however, to those who can look at the glass and say: What’s up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse ''me''? ''This'' is my glass? I don’t ''think'' so. ''My'' glass was full! ''And'' it was a bigger glass! Who’s been pinching my beer?

->'''Otto:''' "Another term for an iconographer would be ‘photographer’? From the old word ‘photus’ in Latation, vhich means-”
-> '''William:''' “‘To prance around like an idiot ordering everyone about as if you owned the place.’”
-> '''Otto:''' “Ah, you know it!”

-> “Hold on, hold on, there must be a law against killing lawyers.”
-> “Are you ''sure''?”
-> “There’re still some around, aren’t there?"

-> “Twenty-six people are mentioned by name.”
-> “As accordionists?”
-> “Yes.”
-> “Won’t they complain?”
-> “They didn’t ''have'' to play the accordion."

-> “Is this the bit where my whole life passes in front of my eyes?”
-> [[AC: no, that was the bit just now.]]
-> “Which bit?”
-> [[AC: The bit between you being born and you dying. no, this... Mr. tulip, this is your whole life as it passed before ''other people's'' eyes....]]

-> “A ''killer'' with a personal Dis-organizer?”
-> “The Things to Do Today section is going to be interesting, then.”

-> [[AC:who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men?]]
-> [[AC: squeak.]]
-> [[AC: well, yes, obviously ''me''. i just wondered if there was anyone else.]]

-> '''Malicia:''' "They’ll tell my father I’ve been telling stories, and I’ll get locked out of my room again.”
-> '''Maurice:''' “You get locked ''out'' of your room as a punishment?”
-> '''Malicia:''' “Yes. It means I can’t get at my books."

-> [[AC: I'm surprised at you, Maurice. Of course there are no cat gods. That would be too much like... work.]]
-> Maurice nodded. One good thing about being a cat, apart from the extra lives, was that the theology was a lot simpler.

-> [[SoundOff “We fight dogs and we kill cats…”]]
-> “…ain’t no trap can stop the rats!”
-> “Got no plague and got no fleas…”
-> “…we drink poison, we steal cheese!”
-> “Mess with us and you will see…”
-> “…we’ll put poison in your tea!”
-> “Here we’ll fight and here we’ll stay…”
-> “…WE WILL NEVER GO AWAY!”

-> '''Mayor Grim:''' "Malicia hasn’t been home all night.”
-> '''Sergeant Doppelpunkt:''' "You think something might have happened to her, sir?"
-> '''Mayor Grim:''' "No, I think she might have happened to someone, man!"

-> [[SweetPollyOliver Let’s see, now]] ... arms out from the body as though holding a couple of bags of flour ... check. Shoulders swaying as though she was elbowing her way through a crowd ... check. Hands slightly bunched and making rhythmical circling motions as though turning two independent handles attached to the waist ... check. Legs moving forward loosely and apelike ... check ...
-> It worked fine for a few yards until she got something wrong and the resultant muscular confusion somersaulted her into a holly bush.

-> '''Vimes:''' "What’s abominable about the colour blue? It’s just a colour! The ''sky'' is blue!"
-> '''Chinny:''' "Yes, sir. Devout Nugganites try not to look at it these days."

-> '''Vimes:''' "So what we have here is a country that tries to run itself on the commandments of a god who, the people feel, may be wearing his underpants on his head. Has he Abominated underpants?"
-> '''Chinny:''' 'No, sir. But it’s probably only a matter of time."

-> If you couldn’t trust the government, who could you trust?
-> Very nearly everyone, come to think of it…

-> '''Blouse:''' “You can’t torture an unarmed man!”
-> '''Jackrum:''' “Well, I’m not waiting for him to arm himself, sir! "

-> “How many fingers am I holding up?”
-> “You know, that’s something an Igor should ''never'' say."

-> '''Igor:''' “But…our countrywomen? [[FelonyMisdemeanor Washing clothes for the enemy?]]”
-> '''Polly:''' “If it’s that or starve, yes. I saw a woman come out carrying a basket of loaves. They say the Keep is full of granaries. Anyway, you sewed up an enemy officer, didn’t you?”
-> '''Igor:''' “That’s different. We are duty bound to thave our fellow ma-person. Nothing has ever been said about his-their underwear.”

-> '''Jackrum:''' “There’s a song. '' "Twas on a Monday morning, all in the month of May-" ''

-> '''Polly:''' “O-kay. That gives us the cheese. And she meets, let’s see, a soldier, a sailor, a jolly ploughboy, or just possibly a man clothéd all in leather, I expect? No, since it’s about us, it’s a soldier, right? And since it’s one of the Ins-and-Outs…oh dear, I feel a humorous double-entendre coming on. Just one question: what item of her clothing fell down or came untied?”

-> '''Blouse:''' “You took a terrible risk. A battlefield is no place for women.”
-> '''Polly:''' “This war isn’t staying on battlefields. At a time like this, a pair of trousers is a girl’s best friend, sir.”

-> '''Polly:''' “The last man out stuck his thumb up and winked. Did you notice him? He wasn’t even wearing an officer’s uniform.”
-> '''Blouse:''' “In Ankh-Morpork that means ‘jolly good. In Klatch, I think, it means ‘I hope your donkey explodes.’ ”
-> '''Polly:''' “Why’d he want to say jolly good to us?”
-> '''Shufti:''' [[CloudCuckoolander “Or hate our donkey so much?”]]

-> "And right now I don’t want to put any trousers on because then I’d be a woman dressed up as a man dressed up as a woman dressed up as a man, and then I’d be so confused I won’t know how to swear. And I want to swear right now, sir, very much."

-> '''Jackrum:''' “How many did ''you'' spot, Mildred?”
-> '''General Froc:''' “That will be ‘General,’ Sergeant. I’m still a general, Sergeant. Or ‘sir’ will do. And your answer is: one or two. One or two.”
-> '''Jackrum:''' “And you promoted them, did you, if they was as good as men?”
-> '''Froc:''' “Indeed not, Sergeant. What do you take me for? I promoted them if they were ''better'' than men.”

-> '''Vimes:''' “Sam Vimes. Special envoy, which is kind of like an ambassador but without the little gold chocolates.”
-> '''Mal:''' "[[TheButcher Vimes the Butcher?]]"
-> '''Vimes:''' "Oh, yes. I’ve heard that one. Your people [[InsultBackfire haven’t really mastered]] the fine art of propaganda."

-> '''Polly:''' “Let’s try ''again'', shall we? I said, are you trying to be smart?”
-> '''Guard:''' “No, Sergeant!”
-> '''Polly:''' " ''Why not?'' "
-> '''Guard:''' "Huh?"
-> '''Polly:''' "If you are not trying to be smart, mister, you’re happy to be stupid! And I’m up to here with stupid, understand?"

->"Well, these scrolls all tell you how to get to the mountain, a perilous trek that no one has ever survived?"
->"Yes? So?"
->"So...um...who wrote the scrolls?"

->"There is a...''monkey'' god?"
->"Ook?"
->"No, no, that's fine, fine. Not one of our local ones, is he?"
->"Eek."
->"Oh, the Counterweight Continent. Well, they'll believe just about anything over..." He glanced out of the window and shuddered. "''Down'' there."

->'''Dibbler:''' Dragon Detector sir?
->'''Rincewind:''' How does it work?
->'''Dibbler:''' When the end bursts into flames you've found your dragon, 1 shilling. I'm cutting me own throut.

->'''Chucky the Jester:''' Oh a visitor.
->'''Puppet:''' Oh Chucky Chucky Chucky!!!

-> [[TropesAreTools The reason that cliches become cliches is that they are the hammers and screwdrivers in the toolbox of communication.]]

-> For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, © run away from, and (d) rocks.

-> They’d assumed that insulating her from the fluffy edges of the world was the safest thing to do. In the circumstances, [[YouFailLogicForever this was like not telling people about self-defense so that no one would ever attack them]].

->"But they ''starts'' with thinking about people as things. . ."

-> '''The Chief Priest of Blind Io:''' “You have . . . ghastly Things from the Dungeon Dimensions and things, yes? Terrible hazards of your ungodly profession?”

->'''Toad:''' 'Er . . . you want to bring them back, then?'

-> This Queen woman, whoever she was, had been stealing children [[BlatantLies but Roland had beaten her, oh yes,]] and helped these two young children to get back as well. ... Obviously the girl had been very brave (this was the Baron speaking) [[DudeWheresMyRespect but, well, she was nine, wasn't she?]] And didn't even know how to use a sword! Whereas [[FramedForHeroism Roland]] had fencing lessons at his school. . .

-> She had a momentary picture of Petulia standing in front of some horrible raging thing, but it wasn't as funny as she'd first thought. Petulia ''would'' stand in front of it, shaking with terror, her useless amulets clattering, scared almost out of her mind . . . [[CrouchingMoronHiddenBadass but not backing away]]. She'd thought there might be people facing something horrible here, and she'd come ''anyway''.

-> And . . . Annagramma? [[BewareTheNiceOnes Don't you]] ''[[BewareTheNiceOnes ever]]'' [[BewareTheNiceOnes dare interrupt me again as long as you live]]. Don't you dare. Don't you ''dare!'' I mean it.

-> By general agreement Anghammarad was given the unique rank of Extremely Senior Postman. It seemed . . . fair.

-> And he was employing an Igor, everyone knew, which of course was sensible when you had such a high veterinary overhead, but you heard stories . . . [[note]] That, for example, stolen horses got dismantled at dead of night and might well turn up with a dye job and two different legs. And it was said that there was one horse in Ankh-Morpork that had a longitudinal seam from head to tail, being sewn together from what was left of two horses that had been involved in a particularly nasty accident. [[/note]]

-> '''Moist:''' 'So now you’re, what was it again . . . crackers?’

-> [[AC: the bit between you being born and you dying. no, this. . . mr. tulip, this is your whole life as it passed before ''other people's'' eyes. . .]]

-> [[SweetPollyOliver Let’s see, now]] . . . arms out from the body as though holding a couple of bags of flour . . . check. Shoulders swaying as though she was elbowing her way through a crowd . . . check. Hands slightly bunched and making rhythmical circling motions as though turning two independent handles attached to the waist . . . check. Legs moving forward loosely and apelike . . . check . . .

->[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome I ain’t been vampired. You’ve been Weatherwaxed.]]

-> And . . . Annagramma? [[BewareTheNiceOnes Don't you]] ''[[BewareTheNiceOnes ever]]'' [[BewareTheNiceOnes dare interrupt me again as long as you live]]. Don't you dare. [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome Don't you ]]''[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome dare!]]'' I mean it.

-> ‘[[CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming So who watches the witches? Who cares for the people who care for the people? Right now, it looks like it needs to be me.]]’

-> [[CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming Right now, Polly could forgive Ankh-Morpork anything. Someone had found Paul a box of colored chalks.]]

-> Most witches don't believe in gods. They know that the gods exist, of course. They even deal with them occasionally. But they don't believe in them. They know them too well. It would be like believing in the postman.

->"As far as leaders go, the only reason I'd follow him into battle, is out of curiosity."

-> "Hands off my pixels

-> “He can’t stop us. [[TheBluesBrothers We’re on a mission from Glod]].”

->Azhural raised his staff. "It's fifteen hundred miles to Ankh-Morpork," he said. "[[TheBluesBrothers We've got three hundred and sixty-three elephants, fifty carts of forage, the monsoon's about to break and we're wearing... we're wearing... sort of things, like glass, only dark... dark glass things on our eyes...]]"

-> Usually there is, on the pillow, a very elderly teddy bear called Mr Wobble. Traditionally, in the lexicon of pathos, such a bear should have only one eye, but as the result of a childhood error in Glenda’s sewing, he has three, and is [[YogiBear more enlightened than the average bear]].

-> For animals, the entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.

-> If he’d been a hero, he would have taken the opportunity to say, ‘That’s what I call sorted!’ Since he wasn’t a hero, he threw up.

-> This has annoyed a number of people who feel, somehow, that it should not, and who want a monarch instead, thus replacing [[TheChessmaster a man who has achieved his position]] by [[ManipulativeBastard cunning]], a [[AwesomenessByAnalysis deep understanding]] of the realities of the human psyche, [[TheSocialExpert breathtaking diplomacy]], a certain prowess [[BadAss with the stiletto dagger]], and, all agree, a mind like a [[XanatosSpeedChess finely balanced circular saw]], with a man who has [[BlueBlood got there by being born]]. [[note]] A third proposition, that the city be governed by a choice of [[SleazyPolitician respectable members of the community]] who would promise not to give themselves airs or betray the public trust at every turn, was instantly the subject of music-hall jokes all over the city.[[/note]]

-> ‘What is sticking in your foot is a Mitzy “Pretty Lucretia” four-inch heel, the most dangerous footwear in the world. Considered as pounds per square inch, it’s like being trodden on by a very pointy elephant. [[DirtyHarry Now, I know what you’re thinking]]: you’re thinking, “Could she press it all the way through to the floor?” And, you know, I’m not sure about that myself. The sole of your boot might give me a bit of trouble, but nothing else will. But that’s not the worrying part. The worrying part is that I was forced practically at knifepoint to take ballet lessons as a child, which means I can kick like a mule; you are sitting in front of me; and ''I have another shoe''.

->"Hah, I can just see [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare a real playsmith]] putting ''donkeys'' in [[AMidsummerNightsDream a play]]!"

* ''The Assasins' Guild School was created by taking a typical British boarding school and turning all the knobs up [[UpToEleven way past eleven]], especially the one labelled "violence".''