History Main / PolishTheTurd

* AutoTune it.

* And it turns out [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dorodango it is possible]] to polish a turd. Thanks {{Mythbusters}}!

* Release a demo consisting of the earliest parts of the game, cutting out before your [[UnexpectedGameplayChange sudden gameplay change]] or early enough to mask that there is almost no variety in the content.

* [[LaughTrack Laugh Tracks!]]

->''"Polish a turd, it's still a turd!"''
-->--'''Peanut''' to JeffDunham, ''Arguing With Myself''

Incidentally, the ''{{MythBusters}}'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys. There's also that giant shiny golden...thing [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asahi_Beer_Hall on the roof of Asahi Breweries]] in Tokyo. Officially it's named "''Flamme d'Or''", or "Golden Flame" and should represent a "burning heart of Asahi Beer" (even corporate lickspits might be creative... maybe), but '''nobody''' who ever saw the thing has called it anything other than simply "Golden Turd".

-->'''RogerCorman''': Stanley, you can't polish a turd.
-->'''StanleyKubrick''': Sure you can. You just have to freeze it first.
-->--''Apocryphal conversation in an editing studio''

-->''"Polish a turd, it's still a turd!"''

Fixing it would require a total overhaul, which you don't have the time or money for, and the higher-ups don't care how terrible it may be, [[MoneyDearBoy as long as they get their money out of it.]] Of course, you can't just abandon it: Too many resources have been sunk into it. Or it might happen that you're in a marketing agency that has been hired to manage promotion, and as lame as that product is, it's your ''job'' to make it look good.

Incidentally, the ''{{MythBusters}}'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys. There's also that giant shiny golden... thing [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asahi_Beer_Hall on the roof of Asahi Breweries]] in Tokyo. Officially it's named "''Flamme d'Or''", or "Golden Flame" and should represent a "burning heart of Asahi Beer" (even corporate lickspits might be creative... maybe), but NO ONE who ever saw the thing has called it other than simply "Golden Turd".

There are numerous ways of doing this, many of which are tropes on their own.

'''RealLife'''

[[AC: General]]

* Find a better, more famous author to "collaborate." Make sure the famous author's name takes up most of the cover. The actual title of the book will be half as big. The name of the unknown hack who did all the work will be in really, really tiny letters at the bottom.
** Or better yet, use a character created by a famous dead author, such as [[http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51X0RJ9Y4PL._bL160_.jpg Lawrence Sanders]].
* Slap an exciting-looking cover on it. [[CoversAlwaysLie Relevance to the actual product is optional.]] Make sure [[StuffBlowingUp explosions,]] [[{{BFG}} big guns]], and [[SexyPackaging fanservice]] [[MichaelBay are prominently featured]]. Reveal as little as possible about the actual plot.
* Claim that [[StylisticSuck the suck is stylistic,]] [[ParodyRetcon even if it's not.]]
* Claim [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotForKids it's for kids]]. Especially useful for genre novels.
* Babes. Put a hot girl in front of a product and you've got a winner. For both sexes.
-->'''Male:''' "Hey, if I buy that body spray, random women will want to have sex with me!"

* [[{{Crunchtastic}} Euphemize, euphemize, euphemize]]. You're not selling a movie ticket, you're selling [[StockReviewPhrases a riveting, thought-provoking cinematic Tour de Force that will leave you on the edge of your seat!]] It's not selling white bread, it's potassium-bromate-treated, high-energy [=LactoFlour=], produced as per the ancestral Babylonian recipe transmitted from father to son over five millennia (complete with [[AllNaturalSnakeOil all-natural]] Microflora-based leavening agents!), guaranteed to fuel your body for up to 8 hours!
* Do not use any reviews on the case (if reaction has been mixed, or strongly negative - as in, not one reviewer thought it was good).
* Attempt to throw in [[FauxlosophicNarration philosophy]].
* GetTheSensation tactics work especially well with this.
* [[QuoteMine "Creatively rearrange"]] negative reviews. Mixed reviews work best for this. Keep the positive bits, and edit out the negative comments.
* Use a back-handed compliment. For example, trailers for ''Blind Side'' in 2010 included the quote "Sandra Bullock's best performance ever!".
* [[TakeThatCritics Turn on the critics]] who panned your show. This almost never succeeds at making the show actually CriticProof, but the temptation to try it is often irresistible.
* Sound engineer: "You can't polish a turd..." Lighting engineer: "...but you can roll it in glitter."
* Bribe a critic to write a good review. A somewhat less controversial alternative is to pay a critic to retract a negative review, or not review it at all.
* Say [[HeAlsoDid "from the creators of" or "from the people who brought you"]] and name a popular and successful title that has creators in common, even if these creators didn't do much more than greenlight the project or write a check for the turd being polished.
** If truly desperate, try "from the studio that brought you..."
* When all else fails, [[BlatantLies lie outright about the product.]]
* [[{{Mythbusters}} Soak it in water and work it with your hands]].
* [[LaughTrack Laugh Tracks]]

[[AC: {{Music}}]]
* [[RecordOfLoudnessWar Turn it up until no one can hear how bad it is though the distortion.]]
* AutoTune it.
* Pay radio companies on the sly to promote it.
* [[WolverinePublicity Get whoever is hot right now to do a verse/hook or get which ever producer is hot right now to do the beat]] -- [[JustHereForGodzilla hope people can stomach the rest of the song]].

[[AC:{{Film}}]]
* [[NeverTrustATrailer Patch together a trailer that makes the film look much more interesting than it actually is.]] Toss in what few interesting moments the film actually has, some explosions, a gunfight or two, and plenty of [[{{Fanservice}} eye candy.]] For padding, [[MissingTrailerScene add some scenes that didn't actually make it into the film]]. Once again, make sure never to reveal anything about the plot.
** For a "comedy," put the film's only three funny lines/jokes/quips into the trailer.
** For a generic RomCom, make the trailer a short montage of the film's young, [[GenericCuteness generically cute]] protagonists exchanging [[WittyBanter semi-witty lines]] over a candlelit dinner, passionately embracing each other, and gazing dreamily at [[BigApplesauce the Manhattan skyline.]]
** Present it as an entirely different genre in the trailer.
* Make the CGI at least halfway decent. Then hopefully nobody will notice the [[DullSurprise awful acting]] or glaring {{plot hole}}s.
** Also make it {{3D}}. [[ViewersAreMorons Your audience]] will be so busy marvelling at how they're actually in the film that they won't care.
* [[CompletelyDifferentTitle Retitle it]] when it goes to DVD to sidestep terrible reviews.
* Retitle it to [[DolledUpInstallment make it the sequel to an unrelated film you own the rights to]].
* Retitle it to [[TheMockbuster suggest a connection to a famous film you don't own the rights to]] (TruthInTelevision example: ''Snakes on a Train'').
* Pay Jeff Craig from Sixty Second Preview to say something nice about it (spoiler: it's a marketing company, not a review publication.)
** Sony went the extra mile by creating a ''fake'' critic, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Manning_(fictitious_writer) "David Manning"]], to attribute marketing-developed quotes to.
* Print "The best film of [the current year]!" on the cover. Don't attribute it. Hope no one notices it isn't actually in quotation marks.
** Print a non-attributed blurb in quotation marks anyway. Hope nobody notices that you're just quoting yourself.
* For films: Do ''not'' [[NotScreenedForCritics let the critics get their hands on it]].
* Hire a [[OneSceneWonder big name actor to appear in one short scene]]. Make sure his contract allows you to [[BillingDisplacement give him top billing]].
* An old techinique was to shoot [=TV=] commercials that featured audience members who had just seen it raving about it.
** ''HotShots'' parodied this with an ad that admitted that its makers were paying off audience members in exchange for raves, which foreshadowed the death of the practice when -- as part of the David Manning scandal -- it was revealed that Sony had hired actors to play audience members in an ad for ''ThePatriot''.
** Also parodied in a 1980s-vintage fake commercial from ''SaturdayNightLive'', in which every person who attended a stage hypnotist's Broadway show droned, "I loved it. It was much better than ''{{Cats}}''. I'm going to see it again and again" with identical blank stares.
** This is making a reappearance in Australia.

[[AC:Sports]]
* Sell the "potential" of your [[strike:cheap]] young talent.
* Point out the quality of ''[[OpposingSportsTeam opposing]]'' teams coming to your stadium.
* If all else fails, appeal directly to the fans of said opposing teams, offering them the chance to see their boys in your stadium.

[[AC: Theatre]]
* A week after the musical ''Subways Are For Sleeping'' opened on Broadway to critical disdain, an ad appeared in the ''New York Herald Tribune'' trumpeting "7 Out of 7 Are Ecstatically Unanimous About ''Subways Are For Sleeping''," quoting rave reviews alongside the names of New York's major drama critics. This ad was the work of the show's producer, David Merrick, who had explored the phone books and found seven men who happened to have [[NamesTheSame the same names]] as the theatre critics. The ''Herald Tribune'' published an apology (other newspapers had perhaps wisely rejected the ad), but what was done was done.
* As pointed out at The Other Wiki, CirqueDuSoleil's magic show collaboration with Criss Angel, ''Believe'', was roundly condemned by critics, so the Luxor (its host casino-resort) website instead quotes [[http://www.luxor.com/entertainment/entertainment_believe.aspx celebrities who attended the show]] -- one of whom, Holly Madison, was ''Criss' lover'' at the time it opened.
* Seattle's Greg Thompson Productions is the master of [[ManipulativeEditing creative editing]] and [[QuoteMine quote mining]]. A critical response such as "It's amazing to me that anyone would consider this entertainment" would be quoted as "It's amazing!" The most {{egregious}} example of this practice was the promotion for his wife's one-woman cabaret, "7 Blondes"; [[http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/busted-busted-busted/Content?oid=8861 which he was called on by a local paper]].

[[AC: ComicBooks]]
* [[WolverinePublicity Have a popular superhero make a random appearance]], and put him on the cover.
* Or slap on a great looking cover that has nothing to do with what actually takes place in the book.
* And, of course, there's always [[{{Superdickery}} wild exaggeration]]. Does Wolverine get in a shouting match with Cyclops? Well, then, that deserves nothing less than a claws-bared, optic blasts-firing, knock-down-drag-out fight on the cover, maybe with a nice phrase like "To the breaking point!" or "It's finally come to this!" scrawled across it.

[[AC: VideoGames]]
* Advertise the game using stunning cinematics that are about 500 times better than the graphics you'll be looking at for 99.99% of the actual game.
* Release a demo consisting of the earliest parts of the game, cutting out before your [[UnexpectedGameplayChange sudden gameplay change]] or early enough to mask that there is almost no variety in the content.
* Buy advertising in industry magazines and websites. Even if they don't give you a glowing review in return, the previews will be universally positive and encourage preorders.
* Draw in the fanboys by stating that a few members of the development team of a more popular franchise worked on the game on either the box or the ad copy. It doesn't matter that they only worked for the company for a week or haven't produced a game in 15 years, you've got instant credibility now!
* Promote the game as having original music from a huge rock star -- while completely leaving out the fact that only one song in the entire game was composed by him.
* If a game is being released on multiple consoles, advertise and show the features of the more powerful, robust versions. Downplay the differences present on the weaker systems, or better still, don't acknowledge them at all until release. Bonus points for billing the weaker versions as "built from the ground up for" said system.

[[AC: WebComics]]
* For all of those that know about {{Sonichu}}, [[http://gabmonteiro9389.deviantart.com/art/Sonichu-Remake-Issue-0-Cover-117025346 Behold]]
** It's deliberate though. Making the art good certainly makes it a lot less of a BrownNote.

[[AC: WebOriginal]]
* About the ''{{Voyager}}'' episode "The Cloud", ''SFDebris'' said it was very well performed despite the terrible script. "It's like a four-tier wedding cake made out of shit. It's an incredible achievement, a masterpiece in some respects. But the point that cannot be missed is that it's made out of shit."

[[AC: Real Life]]
* One of Germany's TV's most successful... everything (producer, singer, show host, etc) nowadays is Stefan Raab who is often said could 'aus Scheiße Gold machen' which is about the German translation of the trope (literal 'make gold out of shit'). He picks up about any possible concept and makes a fortune with it. Sometimes he also does something that is not bad to begin with, like Germany's 2010 Eurovision winner.

[[AC: Reallife]]

** What happens if they get them mixed up?
*** Men with great racks and random acts of lesbianism in the streets.
*** There's at least one Lynx ad where a guy's girlfriend tries his deodorant out. Cue every woman she passes eyeing her up.

** If truly desperate, try "from the studio that brought you."

->'''RogerCorman''': Stanley, you can't polish a turd.
->'''StanleyKubrick''': Sure you can. You just have to freeze it first.
-->''Apocryphal conversation in an editing studio''

->''"Polish a turd, it's still a turd!"''
-->'''Peanut''' to JeffDunham, ''Arguing With Myself''

http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/GoldPoo01.jpg

-->'''RogerCorman''': Stanley, you can't polish a turd.
-->'''StanleyKubrick''': Sure you can. You just have to freeze it first.
-->-- ''Apocryphal conversation in an editing studio''

** Also make it 3D. [[ViewersAreMorons Your audience]] will be so busy marvelling at how they're actually in the film that they won't care.

Incidentally, the ''{{MythBusters}}'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys. There's also that giant shiny golden... thing [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asahi_Beer_Hall on the roof of Asahi Breweries]] in Tokyo. Officially it's named "''Flamme d'Or''", or "Golden Flame" and should represent a "burning heart of Asahi Beer@ (even corporate lickspits might be creative... maybe), but NO ONE who ever saw the thing has called it other than simply "Golden Turd".

Incidentally, the ''{{MythBusters}}'' have proven that you can indeed polish a literal turd to a high shine without resorting to additional coatings if you dry it, pulverize it, reconstitute it and pat it until very smooth. Bless those boys.

*** Men with boobs and women running away from other women.