History Main / FunnyAnsweringMachine

--> '''Larry''': ''[re-records his message, but forcing his voice to sound deep and rough]'' Hi, this is Larry Henderson! Leave a message! Thanks!
--> '''Larry’s Message''': Hi, this Lawrence H., I’m not here. Why is your tired ass calling me, anyway? Oh, well! Leave a message, and it best not be shady! Thanks, girl!
--> '''Larry''': '''''I didn’t say ANY of that!'''''

--> Sorry, the Ghostbusters can't come to the phone. They're out to lunch--permanently!\\
--> If you're trying to reach the Ghostbusters, it's a poor reflection on you!

[[caption-width-right:350:[[LongRunner The 90's.]] [[NotAllowedToGrowUp Same]] [[NotAllowedToGrowOld as you]].]]]]

The first half of Prima's voicemail message is normal, but the second half is "If you're calling to complain about the Super Duper Sumos, then you've reached Creator/ErnestHemingway, acclaimed author of To Have and Have Not, and...[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I have no idea what you're talking about.]]"

* A ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'' skit featured a man distressed that his answering machine message made him sound effeminate. So he re-recorded it. . .only to sound even moreso. He proceeded to repeat his actions over and over again, only for the message to sound more and more stereotypically gay no matter how manly he tried to sound, including things ''he hadn't even said'' such as "whoo-hoo!" and "girlfriend".

* George's classic [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caoYdiq3kak message]] from ''Series/{{Seinfeld}}'', sung to the tune of the theme from ''Series/TheGreatestAmericanHero''.

** Dean's message is a terse: "Leave your name, number and nightmare at the tone."

* In a sketch on the ''Series/TheTraceyUllmanShow'', Tracey played a single girl whose recorded calls all indicated that her answering machine message made her sound sick or depressed (one, a wrong number, referred her to a suicide hotline). In response Tracey hired a studio band and recorded an elaborate message to the tune of "Something's Coming" from ''Theatre/WestSideStory''. When she came home the next day and eagerly prepared to listen to her messages, all she received was a long line of beeps, indicating that the callers had gotten [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome fed up waiting for the song to end and hung up]].
* ''Series/WillAndGrace'' used to do these all the time. When the phone rang and they listened to one of them, Will said, "I hate us so much right now." Apparently they make them when drunk.

* In a sketch on the ''Series/TheTraceyUllmanShow'', Tracey played a single girl whose recorded calls all indicated that her answering machine message made her sound sick or depressed (one, a wrong number, referred her to a suicide hotline). In response Tracey hired a studio band and recorded an elaborate message to the tune of "Something's Coming" from ''Theatre/WestSideStory''. When she came home the next day and eagerly prepared to listen to her messages, all she received was a long line of beeps, indicating that the callers had gotten [[RealityEnsues fed up waiting for the song to end and hung up]].

--> If you're trying to reach the Ghostbusters, it's a poor reflection on you!\\

* {{Inverted}} with [[HatesSmallTalk Gibbs]] on ''Series/{{NCIS}}'', reinforcing his nature as TheQuietOne. (Of course, the fact that it's so terse and unfunny ends up making it ''hilarious''.)

When a character lives in a modern setting, how do you show the audience or reader how quirky he or she is? Make that character an entertaining answering machine [[note]] [[TechnologyMarchesOn For those not familiar with them]], they were devices that connected to a landline phone, and recorded a message for you if you weren't home, either digitally or on tape, depending on the time period. And they could be used to screen calls in the days before Caller ID. They've largely been replaced with voicemail. [[/note]] or voicemail message for callers to hear! They're also good for showing the audience a hint of the character's personality. Compare VoicemailConfusion.

** On the other hand, ''Series/TheDefenders2017'' shows Jessica's answering machine message is her gruffly barking "Wrong number. *BEEP*"

-->'''Female Voice:''' You have reached Acme Labs. We are temporarily closed due to massive budget cuts, ''which basically put us all out on the streets!''

-->'''Female Automated Voice:''' You have reached Acme Labs. We are temporarily closed due to massive budget cuts, ''which basically put us all out on the streets!''

* Not always funny, but on ''Series/TheRockfordFiles'', Jim Rockford's message machine was the introduction to the episode, often leaving the audience with an idea of either the trouble Jim was up to or the personality of Jim's new client.

*** The [[OrwellianRetcon original version]] of the strip had Jason informing callers they dialed the "Satan Hotline".

[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/answering_machine.jpg]]

* The ''Literature/{{Discworld}}'' novel ''Discworld/{{Sourcery}}'' has a fairly standard message. The funny bit is that they're in a fantasy universe and it's not a phone, it's a BenevolentGenie's magic lamp.

When a character lives in a modern setting, how do you show the audience or reader how quirky he or she is? Make that character an entertaining answering machine [[note]] [[TechnologyMarchesOn For those not familiar with them]], they were devices that connected to the phone, and recorded a message for you if you weren't home, either digitally or on tape, depending on the time period. And they could be used to screen calls in the days before Caller ID. They've largely been replaced with voicemail. [[/note]] or voicemail message for callers to hear! They're also good for showing the audience a hint of the character's personality. Compare VoicemailConfusion.

--> '''Harrison''': Hi, this is Harrison. I'm home right now, so you can talk to me after the beep *beep*\\

* On ''[[Series/{{Alice1976}} Alice]]'' Alice gets an answering machine and someone makes a death threat against her on it.

* In ''Series/{{Community}}'' the end of one episode provides a little present for all the Kevins out there:

** One message said "You've reached Monica and Chandler's. If you're hearing this message, we're probably screening." While it's playing, we see Chandler reading a newspaper. [[DeadpanSnarker "Yeah, we are."]]

When a character lives in a modern setting, how do you show the audience or reader how quirky he or she is? Make that character an entertaining answering machine or voicemail message for callers to hear! They're also good for showing the audience a hint of the character's personality. Compare VoicemailConfusion.

* On the show ''Series/{{Sisters}}'', when after one sister's husband is killed, we see her sitting alone in their bedroom, repeatedly listening to their answering machine message, which includes him mock-angrily demanding that callers leave them alone, since they're newlyweds.

* In a sketch on the ''Series/TheTraceyUllmanShow'', Tracey played a single girl whose recorded calls all indicated that her answering machine message made her sound sick or depressed (one, a wrong number, referred her to a suicide hotline). In response Tracey hired a studio band and recorded an elaborate message to the tune of "Something's Coming" from ''Theatre/WestSideStory''. When she came home the next day and eagerly prepared to listen to her messages, all she received was a long line of beeps, indicating that the callers had gotten fed up waiting for the song to end and hung up.

* In ''ComicStrip/{{Zits}}'', Jeremy Duncan makes a message where he simply farts into the phone: "Leave a message at the sound of the 'frap'." And in an early strip, "You have reached the number you called. Blah, blah, blah. If you actually need further instructions, well, that's just pathetic."

*** A message offering the number of the insane asylum to anyone calling for Paige.
*** A message telling someone leaving a message for Paige to press "[[NumberOfTheBeast 666]]."
*** Bringing the machine up to the shower to record Roger singing in the shower.
*** Recording himself singing "A million bottles of beer on the wall...", leaving his parents wondering why they have no messages again.
*** Informing the caller they've reached the "Jason Fox Hotline, your 24 hour source for all things Jason" and then a lengthy description of his day, leaving Roger wondering why everyone sounds so grouchy on the machine.

* Parodied in ''ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes''. Calvin once picked up the phone and said, "Hello, we are unable to come to the phone right now, so please leave a message at the sound of the 'click'." and hung up.
* An early ''ComicStrip/{{Frazz}}'' Sunday strip has Frazz and the kids recording a song with some nonsense instructions for the caller.
* ''ComicStrip/{{Candorville}}'': Lemont's answering machine always identifies the caller, usually "Mom" or "creditor." To the latter, he tends to mention his lack of funds. To the former, he's painfully self-effacing and apologetic for not living up to her expectations.

* Played with in ''Film/MouseHunt'', where Nathan Lane's character has an answering machine prompt that consists entirely of, "When ya hear the beep, start talkin'."

* ''Film/{{Swingers}}'' features a funny answering machine, even though the message is completely normal. It seems the main character has his machine to spout out encouragements to him, as after he checks it says, in its robotic voice, comments like "She's not worth it" and "There are other fish in the sea."
* In ''Film/TheDinnerGame'', (French: ''Le Diner De Cons''), François Pignon has such a message.
* The crafting of a funny message is the source of great angst in the short film [[http://www.atom.com/funny_videos/this_is_john/ "This Is John"]] by the Duplass Brothers.
* ''Film/MeetTheFockers'' has Greg calling his parents and getting the machine, which includes the standard message and then his parents yelling about how to turn the recorder off.
* The beginning of ''Creator/CheechAndChong: Still Smokin''' features Cheech's long and funny answering machine message before Chong tells him they need to catch the plane to Amsterdam.
** The duo also have a song where Chong calls Cheech about a gig. At first it sounds like Cheech answers the phone, only to go a song instead: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlO_X692EI8 "I'm not home right now, leave a message when you hear the tone..."]]

* George's classic [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caoYdiq3kak message]] from ''Series/{{Seinfeld}}'', sung to the tune of the theme from ''Series/TheGreatestAmericanHero''.
** This was copied for Sean Fausz's answering machine in WebVideo/{{Kickassia}}.
* Carrie Bradshaw's message in ''Series/SexAndTheCity'' has variations of "Hi. I'm shoe shopping".
* In a sketch on the ''Series/TheTraceyUllmanShow'', Tracey played a single girl whose recorded calls all indicated that her answering machine message made her sound sick or depressed (one, a wrong number, referred her to a suicide hotline). In response Tracey hired a studio band and recorded an elaborate message to the tune of "Something's Coming" from ''Theatre/WestSideStory''. When she came home the next day and eagerly prepared to listen to her messages, all she received was a long line of beeps, indicating that the callers had gotten fed up waiting for the song to end and hung up.

* One episode of ''Series/CriminalMinds'' has a guy (played by [[Series/MalcolmInTheMiddle Frankie Muniz]]) compulsively calling his girlfriend's cellphone, and getting the message "Hello, I cannot answer right now because I'm busy living my life!". He keeps getting increasingly exasperated that she doesn't answer, and a {{flashback}} reveals that he suggested the message to her (as he's some succesful comic writter/artist). [[spoiler:Then it turns out she was murdered a while ago, he has the phone (in silence) and his insistence on calling is part of the denial/psychosis he's suffering. He didn't kill her, mind you; he's hunting down the gang that did.]]

* ''Series/{{House}}'' at one time had a very convincing "this number has been disconnected recording" for his answering machine.
* If Joey and Chandler's answering machine in ''Series/{{Friends}}'' isn't enough ("Here comes the beep, you know what to do" - since it doesn't say who it is, allowed Chandler to date a woman who called the wrong number), Ross attempted one that made the duo groan ("[[Music/{{Queen}} * stomp, stomp, clap!* We will, we will, call you back!]]").
** When Rachel and Phoebe were sharing an apartment, they made a couple of attempts to record a message with alternating words. Somehow, Rachel kept ending up with the "good" words.
** One message said "You've reached Monica and Chandler's. If you're hearing this message, we're probably screening." While it's playing, we see Chandler reading a newspaper. [[DeadpanSnarker "Yeah, we are."]]
* Hey, this is ''Series/DrakeAndJosh''! Leave your name and...blah, blah, blah, blah...
* A ''Series/TheKidsInTheHall'' sketch revolves around a couple trying to record their outgoing message. The wife wants a simple, straightforward message while the husband wants something clever. While attempting to record their message, they have an argument while the tape is still running. A friend calls in and hears their message, which contains the argument. The caller laughs and congratulates the couple on creating their funniest message yet.
* One episode of ''Series/{{Cheers}}'' involves Sam's message, which sounds like him answering the phone, then a long pause, followed by "Just kidding. You got my machine." Diane calls Sam before her wedding to Frasier, hoping Sam is on a plane on his way to stop the wedding. When she thinks he has answered, she hangs up in disgust without hearing the rest, and thus doesn't know that Sam ''is'' on his way.
** Another episode's [[TheTeaser teaser]] plays Woody's outgoing message, which Sam says (in the message) is stupid. The caller is revealed to be Woody, who now agrees that the message is stupid.

* ''Series/{{Bones}}'' 's voicemail reminds the audience that this is not Temperance Brennan, but a recording of her.
* In ''Series/{{Frasier}}'', Niles and Daphne's answering machine consists of them singing a duet to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony ("No-bo-dy's hooooooome, no-bo-dy's hoooooooome....")

* "Hello. This is Adrian... Series/{{Monk}}. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep I was talking about." [BEEP]
* In ''Series/{{Community}}'' the end of one episode provides a little present for all the Kevins out there:
--> '''Creator/GeorgeTakei:''' Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message.
* On ''Series/{{One Day at a Time|1975}}'' the family is going away for a Christmas vacation so they borrow an answering machine for the duration. The girls decide to record their greeting to the tune of "Silent Night."
-->''Leave your number when you hear the bee-ee-eep''\\
''U-unless you are a creep''
* On ''[[Series/{{Alice1976}} Alice]]'' Alice gets an answering machine and someone makes a death threat against her on it.
* Jesse Pinkman's answering machine message on ''Series/BreakingBad'':
-->YO YO YO 1-4-8 3 TO THE 3 TO THE 6 TO THE 9, REPRESENTIN' THE ABQ, WADDUP, BI-ATCH?! Leave it at the tone.
* To promote ''Series/JessicaJones2015'' season two, Marvel Studios posted [[https://twitter.com/JessicaJones/status/688775449359421440 the name and phone number]] of Jessica's detective agency online. People who dialed the number would hear this greeting, recorded in-character by star Creator/KrystenRitter:
-->'''Jessica Jones:''' Alias Investigations. We've got cases and shit, so leave a message.
** On the other hand, ''Series/TheDefenders2017'' shows Jessica's answering machine message is her gruffly barking "Wrong number. *BEEP*"
* When ''Series/LastWeekTonightWithJohnOliver'' created a fake church to mock excessive spending by megachurch pastors, they set up a phone line, 1-800-THIS-IS-LEGAL. [[note]]Which corresponds to 1-800-844-7475 according to most American phones[[/note]] The answering machine used by the line started out normally, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfEG_eo7sCU?t=20 before devolving into Oliver yelling at the caller to donate money.]]
* {{Inverted}} with [[HatesSmallTalk Gibbs]] on ''Series/{{NCIS}}'', reinforcing his nature as TheQuietOne. (Of course, the fact that it's so terse and unfunny ends up making it ''hilarious''.)
--> "Gibbs. Speak."
* On ''Series/MyNameIsEarl'', when Earl and Randy moved into an actual apartment, Randy bought an answering machine with a recording of a Creator/MrT impersonator.
* A ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'' skit featured a man distressed that his answering machine message made him sound effeminate. So he re-recorded it. . .only to sound even moreso. He proceeded to repeat his actions over and over again, only for the message to sound more and more stereotypically gay no matter how manly he tried to sound, including things ''he hadn't even said'' such as "whoo-hoo!" and "girlfriend".

[[folder:Theater]]
* ''Theatre/{{Rent}}'' has Mark and Roger saying, "speeeeeaak" together in a bored tone.

* Lammy's answering machine message in ''VideoGame/UmJammerLammy'' is so long that she has time to run down some flights of stairs, run back ''up'' to her apartment, turn off all of the appliances she had accidentally left on, give her stuffed panda a kiss, and race back out the door.

* ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'':
** One episode has Homer and Marge buying a book about trying to invoke this trope, and end up trying to record a message together while reading out of it. It sort of goes without saying, but it ends up being SoUnfunnyItsFunny.
** A season 2 episode has Homer calling Barney for bail, and initially gets an answering machine message sung to the tune of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.
* A recurring gag in ''WesternAnimation/{{Archer}}'' is that characters will call Archer and start talking only to realize that it's just one of his elaborate and obnoxious voice mail messages.
** Reaches its peak in the Season 5 episode "The Rules of Extraction." Archer programs his voicemail to trigger a ''rave'' in the Tunt mansion, complete with laser-light show and a techno remix of "The mail box of A-A-Archer, A-A-Archer is full." Not even [[MadScientist Krieger]] knows how he pulled that one off.
%%* Roger from ''WesternAnimation/AmericanDad'' has one.

* From the first episode of ''WesternAnimation/AdventuresOfSonicTheHedgehog'', when Dr. Robotnik tries to call Grounder, who is in pieces:
-->'''Grounder:''' The robot you have reached has been discomboobulated [sic], and the hedgehog you were chasing got away.
* In ''WesternAnimation/GravityFalls'', during TheStinger of the episode 'Dipper vs. Manliness', where Grunkle Stan keeps receiving obsessive voicemails from a local diner waitress who keeps calling to say hello and [[https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/CrazyCatLady getting her cats to do the same]], much to Stan's horror.

* ''WesternAnimation/PhineasAndFerb'': In "Out of Toon", Candace tries to call her mom Linda to report Phineas and Ferb's latest crazy scheme, and discovers Linda has a new voice-mail message:
-->'''Linda:''' (''on voice mail'') Hi! This is Mom. Leave your psychotic rant about the boys when you hear the beep. (''beep'')\\
'''Candace:''' Mom, come home quick! [[ItMakesSenseInContext There's a giant mob, I'm a super fiend, I'm roasting them with laser vision]], and— Hey! What do you mean, "psychotic rant"?!