History Funny / TheWitcher2AssassinsOfKings

* While besieging La Valette Castle in the prologue, go ahead and cast the Aard sign on one of the defenders near the edge of the parapet... Go on.

-->'''Geralt of Rivia:''' I'd go have a beer.

-->'''Skalen''': I played dice and won 'em. Now I played and lost. But that's it - I'll play you no more.\\
'''Geralt''': Don't get mad.\\
'''Skalen''': ''(Obviously upset)'' [[BlatantLies I'm not]]. I'm just not fuckin' ''playin''' [[RageQuit you no more]]!
* From the DLC, there's a quest at Vergen called 'A Sackful of Fluff', where a man named Elthon contracts Geralt to collect Harpy Feathers [[IHaveThisFriend for a client]]. Then you see just what "his client" [[http://youtu.be/0rjI1zjaSUE wanted the feathers for]]. The completely deadpan conversation afterward is just icing on the cake.

* A combined Funny and Awesome moment - when first meeting with the Scoi'atel, Geralt demonstrates his prowess by mentioning that there are four elves hiding in a tree, and one of them is either on Fisstech or has a cold.
-->'''Elf''': [[ThisCannotBe How...]]?
-->'''Geralt''': [[SuperSenses He's wheezing.]]

-->'''Spark:''' Uh, so what does a Witcher do, anyway?

** The interrogation gets even funnier if you prove to be uncooperative.

* There's a sidequest in the Enhanced edition during the third chapter which requires you to go to a secret laboratory of the great mage Dearhenna. This involves solving complicated riddles and fighting your way through monsters. After completing these challenges, only one last obstacle remains, and that is a very intelligent and eloquent golem. You can fight him the straightforward way, or engage in a conversation and trick it. Doing it right will make that golem explode from LogicBomb overload. Doing it wrong however will lead to a hillariously unexpected line:

* "Bow low elf. You stand before a head crowned." *Camera pan down to Demavend's severed head on a stump*

* While in Vergen (on Iorveth's path), you have to play dice against a dwarf to win a quest-related item. After winning twice (gaining a sword and the quest-item), he says "I'm not playing anymore!" in a tone that makes it sound like he's on the verge of tears.

-->'''Geralt''': [[HyperAwareness He's wheezing.]]

** Especially if you ask Triss for help - when Geralt says she can stop laughing about it, she gasps between bouts of laughter: [[NeverLiveItDown "No, I really can't!"]]

* A combined Funny and Awesome moment - when first meeting with the Scoi'atel, Geralt demonstrates his prowess by mentioning that there are four elves hiding in a tree, and one of them is either on Fisstech or has a cold due to a wheeze. [[ThisCannotBe The expression on the elf leader's face]] is priceless.

* The nosy Temerian soldier who interrupts Geralt's and Triss' morning proclivities and who takes his sweet time vacating their tent while ogling the Sorceress.

-->'''Triss:''' I can burp the Nilfgaardian emperor's title without reaching for beer and I've discovered that Shorty's name has nothing to do with his manhood.

* Once Roche and Iorveth first meet in the forests on Flotsam, Iorveth greets Roche with a long-winded, scornful speech in which he lists several of Roche's accomplishments, titles and says how he has spent the past few years setting up traps and devising plans as he eagerly awaited for the day when the Special Forces Commander would wander into his forest. Unimpressed, Roche bluntly responds with --

-->'''Dandelion:''' ''(mournfully)'' I feel like a pimp.

* While attacking the Keep in the prologue, go ahead and cast the Aard sign on one of the defenders near the edge of the parapet.

-->'''Dandelion:''' I should probably go get Geralt to take care of things. ''{{Beat}}'' [[AManIsAlwaysEager On the other hand, I've never ploughed a succubus before]]...

* Once Roche and Iorveth first meet in the forests on Flotsam, Iorveth greets Roche with a long-winded, scornful speech in which he lists several of Roche's accomplishments, titles and says how he has spent the past few years setting up traps and devising plans as he eagerly awaited for the day when Roche would wander into his forest. Unimpressed, Roche bluntly responds with --

* One in the beginning of chapter II (Iorveth's path) and related to the main plot, the sorceress Phillipa needs an artifact with an ungodly amount of power. She suggested one of the legendary Twenty Rings of Power, leading to Iorveth quoting from the famous ring verse [["LordOfTheRings one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."]] Then Geralt envisions himself running barefoot up a volcano.

* One in the beginning of chapter II (Iorveth's path) and related to the main plot, the sorceress Phillipa needs an artifact with an ungodly amount of power. She suggested one of the legendary Twenty Rings of Power, leading to Iorveth quoting from the famous ring verse "...[[LordOfTheRings and One to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.]]" Then Geralt envisions himself running barefoot up a volcano.

-->'''Spark:''' Oh, I have a problem with my boyfriend.

-->'''Geralt:''' I'd go have a beer.

* Once Roche and Iorveth first meet in the forests on Flotsam, Iorveth greets Roche with a long-winded, scornful speech in which he lists several of Roche's accomplishments, titles and says how he has spent the past few years setting up traps and devising plans as he eagerly awaited for the day when Roche would wander into his forest. Unimpressed, Roche bluntly responds with --
-->'''Vernon Roche:''' Iorveth, a regular son of a whore!
** Extra poignancy is revealed later when you learn that "son of a whore" has a particularly stinging personal edge for Roche. He was actually giving Iorveth an insult he considers the worst when used against himself.

-->'''Troll:''' [[MistakenForGay Wisha man likes man?]]

* In Chapter II of Roche's path, if you opt to get information out of the Visionary by "converting" to his religion. To do so, you have to imbibe a potion of his own make in front of a shrine and have a special vision. Said [[MushroomSamba vision]] involves [[FreudWasRight giant phallic 'mushrooms']] appearing in the forest, alongside an enormous chicken. Made all the more side-splitting in that reporting this back to the Visionary is ''exactly'' what he wanted to hear!

-->'''Yarpen:''' Well, Saskia went with prince Penis ... uh, rather ... [[TheFriendNobodyLikes Stennis]] to negotiate with Henselt.

-->'''Dandelion:''' I should probably go get Geralt to take care of things. ({{Beat}}) [[AManIsAlwaysEager On the other hand, I've never ploughed a succubus before]]...
-->'''Geralt:''' ''(moments later, truly astonished)'' [[TooDumbToLive That fucking idiot actually went in!]]

-->'''Geralt:''' ''*[[DeathGlare Glowers]]*

* When Philippa Eilhart mentions that the customary title for her apprentice Cynthia is "Leashed Sorceress", Geralt gives a hilariously deadpan response: "Do you also use a muzzle?" Philippa gets offended and explains the completely innocuous background behind the term. Later you end up walking on the two in the middle of a BDSM spanking session.

* Another one in Vergen, when Geralt talked to a vendor in the market place:

* One in the beginning of chapter II (Iorveth's path) and related to the main plot, the sorceress Phillipa needs an artifact with ungodly amount of power. She suggested one of the legendary Twenty Rings of Power, leading to Iorveth quoting from the famous ring verse "...[[LordOfTheRings and One to bring them all and in the darkness bind them]]". Then Geralt envisions himself running barefoot up a volcano.

-->'''Spark:''' Uh, so what does a witcher do, anyway?

* Upon reaching Flotsam in Assassins of Kings, go talk to Triss in the tavern. Asking her how she's been yields a DeadpanSnarker list of what it's been like stuck on the ship with the rest of the crew.

** Which is made HilariousInHindsight when you discover that her 'apprentice' was actually a spy, who utilized DistractedByTheSexy to ''astounding'' success.]]

* From the DLC, there's a quest at Vergen called "A Sackful of Fluff", where a man named Elthon contracts Geralt to collect Harpy Feathers [[IHaveThisFriend for a client]]. Then you see just what "his client" [[http://youtu.be/0rjI1zjaSUE wanted the feathers for]]. The completely deadpan conversation afterward is just icing on the cake.

** The same goes for [[spoiler: defending Vergen on the Iorveth path]].
* The aftermath of the drinking in the "Hungover" quest.
** Especially if you ask Triss for help - when Geralt says she can stop laughing about it, she [[NeverLiveItDown replies "No, I really can't!"]]

* From the DLC, there's a quest at Vergen called "A Sackful of Fluff", where a man named Elthon contracts Geralt to collect Harpy Feathers [[IHaveThisFriend for a client]]. Then you see just what "his client" [[http://youtu.be/0rjI1zjaSUE wanted the feathers for]]. The deadpan conversation afterward is just icing on the cake.

* A combined Funny and Awesome moment - when first meeting with the Scoi'atel, Geralt demonstrates his prowess by mentioning that there are 4 elves hiding in a tree, and one of them is either on Fisstech or has a cold due to a wheeze. [[ThisCannotBe The expression on the leader's face]] is priceless.
* In Chapter 2 of Roche's path, if you opt to get information out of the Visionary by "converting" to his religion. To do so, you have to imbibe a potion of his own make in front of a shrine and have a special vision. [[spoiler:Said [[MushroomSamba vision]] involves [[FreudWasRight giant phallic "mushrooms"]] appearing in the forest, alongside an enormous chicken. Made all the more better in that reporting this back to the Visionary is ''exactly'' what he wanted to hear!]]
* Once Roche and Iorveth first meet in the forests on Flotsam, Iorveth greets Roche with a long-winded, scornful speech in which he lists several of Roche's accomplishments, titles and says how he has spent the past few years setting up traps and devising plans as he eagerly awaited for the day when Roche would wander into his forest. Unimpressed, Roche bluntly responds by saying:
-->'''Vernon Roche:''' Iorveth - a regular son of a whore!

* One in the beginning of chapter 2 (Ivoreth's path) and related to the main plot, [[spoiler:the sorceress Phillipa needs an artifact with ungodly amount of power. She suggested one of the legendary Twenty Rings of Power, leading to Ivoreth quoting from the famous ring verse "...[[LordOfTheRings and One to bring them all and in the darkness bind them]]". Then Geralt envisions himself running barefoot up a volcano.]]

-->'''Spark''': Uh, so what does a witcher do, anyway?\\
'''Geralt:''' We solve problems.\\
'''Spark:''' Oh, I have a problem with my boyfriend.\\
'''Geralt:''' Did you find his entrails sprawled on the porch and his head a few paces away? Because those are the types of problem we solve.
** Another one from Vergen, when [[spoiler: Philippa gives Saskia the antidote to the poison, finishing with a kiss through a Rose of Remembrance petal]], we hear the town Elder, Cecil, say "Now that's my favorite kind of magic - [[GirlOnGirlIsHot lesbomancy]]."

-->'''Geralt''': [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck you.]]

--->'''Geralt''': What do you want from me, Roche? I already told you it wasn't me. On top of that, I don't know who's behind it, and frankly, I don't really give a damn. Could've been anyone as I see it. King Demavend, even.
--->'''Roche''': Demavend is dead.
--->'''Geralt''': ...Is that true?
--->'''Roche''': He was murdered.
--->'''Geralt''': Uh-huh. [[DeadpanSnarker I did that too.]]
--->'''Roche''': You were in Vizima at the time. I checked.
--->'''Geralt''': My doppelganger was in Vizima. [[BlatantLies I have three of them.]]
** Geralt's exchanges with Roche seem to contain plenty of amusing snarking no matter the situation. From the prologue:
--->''(Geralt and company are being harassed by a giant dragon.)''
--->'''Roche''': Is it true you witchers don't hunt dragons?
--->'''Geralt''': [[{{Catchphrase}} Mhm]].
--->'''Roche''': This one doesn't seem to know that.
--->'''Geralt''': You want me to go over and tell him?
* Talking to the noble and priest in the prologue of Assassins of Kings, Geralt can sock the noble in the stomach. Roche quips that the priest living and the noble getting slapped is win/win.

-->'''Triss''': I can burp the Nilfgaardian emperor's title without reaching for a beer and I've discovered that Shorty's name has nothing to do with his manhood.

** Which is made HilariousInHindsight when you discover [[spoiler: that her "apprentice" was actually a spy, who utilized DistractedByTheSexy to ''astounding'' success.]]
* Conversations with trolls have their moments:
-->'''Troll:''' Want soup? Elf and onion! Gooood.
-->'''Geralt:''' ...I don't really like onions.

--->'''Geralt:''' Was the man bald? Did he have a scar?
--->'''Troll:''' [[MistakenForGay Wisha man likes man?]]
--->'''Geralt:''' *DeathGlare*
* Roche gets a small one that doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome near the end of Chapter 2 on his path. As he and Geralt charge through Vergen, killing every Kaedweni soldier in sight, he runs across a bridge...which falls out under him. Roche curses as he tumbles, rolls as he hits the ground, and without missing a beat, punches a Kaedweni soldier in the face as he gets up.

-->'''Yarpen''': Well, Saskia went with prince Penis ... uhh, rather ... [[TheFriendNobodyLikes Stennis]] to negotiate with Henselt.
* After succeeding to find a succubus's lair, who has allegedly been killing the men of Vergen, Dandelion faces a dilemma:
-->'''Dandelion''': I should probably go get Geralt to take care of things. ({{Beat}}) [[AManIsAlwaysEager On the other hand, I've never ploughed a succubus before]]...
-->'''Geralt''':(moments later, truly astonished) [[TooDumbToLive That fucking idiot actually went in!]]

--->'''Dandelion''': (''mournfully'') "I feel like a pimp."

* While attacking the keep in the prologue, go ahead and cast the Aard sign on one of the defenders near the edge of the parapet.

--->'''Geralt''': Mm-hmm.

* Upon first arriving in Vergen and meeting Yarpen Zigrin, the conversation includes this:
-->'''Yarpen''': Well, Saskia went with prince Penis ... uhh, rather ... Stennis to negotiate with Henselt.