Line #3 Funny/TheWitcher2AssassinsOfKings


1	* The nosy Temerian soldier who interrupts Geralt's and Triss' morning proclivities and who [[EatingTheEyeCandy takes his sweet time vacating their tent while ogling the Sorceress]].
2	-->'''Geralt:''' Stupid war. It could have been such a beautiful morning.
3	* While besieging La Valette Castle in the prologue, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmSinbTKHKo go ahead and cast the Aard sign on one of the defenders near the edge of the parapet]]... Go on.
4	** The same goes for defending Vergen on the Iorveth path.
5	* The fantastic inversion of Geralt's ultimatum from the launch trailer.
6	-->'''Vernon Roche:''' What would you do if you escaped?
7	-->'''Geralt of Rivia:''' [[NegatedMomentOfAwesome I'd go have a beer.]]
8	* Once Roche and Iorveth first meet in the forests near Flotsam, Iorveth [[BaddieFlattery greets Roche with a long-winded, scornful speech in which he lists several of Roche's accomplishments, titles]] and says how he has spent the past few years setting up traps and devising plans [[WorthyOpponent as he eagerly awaited for the day when the Special Forces Commander would wander into his forest]]. Unimpressed, Roche bluntly responds with --
9	-->'''Vernon:''' Iorveth, a regular son of a whore!
10	** Extra poignancy is revealed later when you learn that "son of a whore" has a particularly stinging personal edge for Roche. He was actually giving Iorveth an insult he considers the worst when used against himself.
11	* The aftermath of the drinking in the 'Hungover' quest.
12	** Especially if you ask Triss for help - when Geralt says she can stop laughing about it, she gasps between bouts of laughter: [[NeverLiveItDown "No, I really can't!"]]
13	* Triss gets another one when Geralt is showing her a good time in the hidden hot spring baths and her ImmodestOrgasm is mistaken by a Dwarven Squirrel above ground as the ghost of an elven beauty, Cymoril! Which ties in to a similar event that Geralt could enjoy in the outskirts in the first game with the barely legal Vesna Hood.
14	** And just before that, Triss magics her clothes off, leaving Geralt to awkwardly hop around on one foot trying to pull off his boot.
15	* What about the party with the Blue Stripes themselves?
16	** "You said what you thought. Good, that's the way! Beer for this brave man! And drink to my health. ''(gives peasant a mug)'' [[BerserkButton Here's to the whore's son, Vernon Roche]]!"
17	--->'''Ves:''' Geralt, do something!
18	--->'''Geralt:''' ''(sighs)'' I'll try. ''Vernon''. Leave them alone, they're not worth it.
19	--->'''Vernon:''' [[LameComeback You don't know shit!]]
20	** "Here's to peat! tart and nutritious!"
21	** "Remember when I rode my horse into a tree?"
22	** "TO PARADISE! ON WHORE'S ARSES!"
23	* While in Vergen, you have to play dice against a dwarf to win a quest-related item. After winning twice (gaining a sword and the quest-item), we get this exchange [[https://youtu.be/DeEQF7XNO2g?t=2m9s when Geralt asks how Skalen even came across those items to begin with]].
24	-->'''Skalen:''' I played dice and won 'em. Now I played and lost. But that's it - I'll play you no more.\
25	'''Geralt:''' Don't get mad.\
26	'''Skalen:''' ''(Obviously upset)'' [[BlatantLies I'm not]]. I'm just not fuckin' ''playin''' [[RageQuit you no more]]!
27	* From the DLC, there's a quest at Vergen called 'A Sackful of Fluff', where a man named Elthon contracts Geralt to collect Harpy Feathers [[IHaveThisFriend for a client]]. Then you see just what "his client" [[http://youtu.be/0rjI1zjaSUE wanted the feathers for]]. The completely deadpan conversation afterward is just the icing on the comedy cake.
28	** For bonus points, you get Elthon's Trophy from completing that quest. All of Geralt's cynical comments and philosophical insights become a little surreal when he's got the Trophy stuck on his nose.
29	* A combined Funny and Awesome moment - when meeting with the Scoi'atel with Zoltan, Geralt demonstrates his prowess by mentioning that there are four elves hiding in a tree, and one of them is either on Fisstech or has a cold.
30	-->'''Elf:''' [[ThisCannotBe How...]]?
31	-->'''Geralt:''' [[SuperSenses He's wheezing.]]
32	* In Chapter II of Roche's path, if you opt to get information out of the Visionary by 'converting' to his religion. To do so, you have to imbibe a potion of his own make in front of a shrine and have a special vision. Said [[MushroomSamba vision]] involves giant phallic 'mushrooms' appearing in the forest, alongside an enormous chicken. Made all the more side-splitting in that reporting this back to the Visionary is ''exactly'' what he wanted to hear!
33	* One in the beginning of chapter II (Iorveth's path) and related to the main plot, the sorceress Phillipa needs an artifact with an ungodly amount of power. She suggested one of the legendary Twenty Rings of Power, leading to Iorveth snidely quoting from the famous ring verse "[[Literature/TheLordOfTheRings one ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.]]" Then Geralt envisions himself running barefoot up a volcano.
34	* Another one in Vergen, when Geralt chats to a sprightly young vendor in the market place:
35	-->'''Spark:''' Uh, so what does a Witcher ''do'', anyway?
36	-->'''Geralt:''' We solve problems.
37	-->'''Spark:''' Oh? I have a problem with my boyfriend...
38	-->'''Geralt:''' Did you find his entrails sprawled on the porch and his head a few paces away? Because those are the types of problem we solve.
39	** Another one from Vergen: when Philippa gives Saskia the antidote to the poison, finishing with a kiss through a Rose of Remembrance petal, we hear the town Elder, Cecil, say "Now that's my favorite kind of magic - [[GirlOnGirlIsHot lesbomancy]]!" (It's made HarsherInHindsight after we learn that the purpose of said kiss was to magically brainwash her, but still.)
40	** On a repeated play-through, that dwarf isn't Cecil or even his nephew Skalen but some random passer-by who came in to watch the show!
41	* As Roche starts his interrogation of shackled Geralt, he offers his hand to shake. The "very funny" dialogue option leads to...
42	-->'''Geralt:''' [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck you.]]
43	* And this gem from the same scene immediately after.
44	-->'''Vernon Roche:''' Nasty... [[SarcasmMode And after we've been through so much...]]
45	-->'''Geralt of Rivia:''' Same side of the barricade then, opposite sides of the table now.
46	-->'''Vernon:''' You can change that.
47	-->'''Geralt:''' [[DeadpanSnarker You want me to sit on your lap?]]
48	** The interrogation gets ''even funnier'' if you prove to be uncooperative.
49	-->'''Geralt:''' What do you want from me, Roche? I already told you it wasn't me. On top of that, I don't know who's behind it, and frankly, I don't really give a damn. Could've been anyone as I see it. King Demavend, even.
50	-->'''Roche:''' Demavend is dead.
51	-->'''Geralt:''' ... Is that true?
52	-->'''Roche:''' He was murdered.
53	-->'''Geralt:''' Uh-huh. [[DeadpanSnarker I did that too.]]
54	-->'''Roche:''' You were in Vizima at the time. I checked.
55	-->'''Geralt:''' My doppelganger was in Vizima. [[BlatantLies I have three of them.]]%%Where was Dudu at the time, I wonder?
56	** Geralt's exchanges with Roche seem to contain plenty of amusing snarky repartee, no matter the situation. From the prologue:
57	--->''(Geralt and company are being harassed by a giant dragon)''\
58	'''Roche:''' Is it true you Witchers don't hunt dragons?\
59	'''Geralt:''' [[{{Catchphrase}} Mhm]].\
60	'''Roche:''' This one doesn't seem to know that.\
61	'''Geralt:''' You want me to go over and tell him?
62	* Upon reaching Flotsam, go talk to Triss in the tavern. Asking her how she's been yields a DeadpanSnarker list of what it's been like stuck on the ship with the rest of the all-male crew.
63	-->'''Triss:''' I can burp the Nilfgaardian emperor's title without reaching for beer and I've discovered that Shorty's [[IronicNickname name has nothing to do with]] [[TeenyWeenie his manhood]].
64	* When Philippa Eilhart mentions that the customary title for her apprentice Cynthia is "Leashed Sorceress", Geralt gives a hilariously deadpan response: "do you also use a muzzle?" Philippa gets offended and explains the completely innocuous background behind the term. Later, you end up walking in on the two of them in the middle of a BDSM spanking session.
65	** Which is made HilariousInHindsight when you discover that her 'apprentice' was actually a spy, who utilized DistractedByTheSexy to ''astounding'' success.
66	* Another one involving Philippa. When you take control of Triss in a shot flashback segment where she's conversing with Phil via megascope, you can have Triss say she wants to clear Geralt's name of regicide before she heads out on Philippa's assignment for her for the Lodge. Philippa responds thus:
67	-->Triss, stop thinking with your vagina and get a hold of yourself.
68	* Any conversations had with trolls have their moments:
69	-->'''Troll:''' Wan' soup? Elf and onion! Gooood.
70	-->'''Geralt:''' ... I don't really like onions.
71	** Later in that same conversation, you get this gem while trying to track Triss and Letho down:
72	-->'''Geralt:''' Was the man bald? Did he have a scar?
73	-->'''Troll:''' [[MistakenForGay Wisha man, likes man?]]
74	-->'''Geralt:''' ''[[DeathGlare Glowers]]''
75	* Roche gets a small one that doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome near the end of Chapter II on his path. As he and Geralt charge through Vergen, killing every Kaedweni soldier in sight, he runs across a bridge... which falls out under him. Roche curses as he tumbles, rolls as he hits the ground, and without missing a beat, takes a Kaedweni soldier down with a tripartite set of punches and kicks as he gets up.
76	* Upon first arriving in Vergen with Iorveth and meeting Yarpen Zigrin, the conversation includes this:
77	-->'''Yarpen:''' Well, Saskia went with prince Penis... uh, rather... ''[[TheFriendNobodyLikes Stennis]]'' to negotiate with Henselt.
78	* After succeeding in locating a succubus' lair, who has allegedly been killing the men of Vergen, Dandelion faces a dilemma:
79	-->'''Dandelion:''' I should probably go get Geralt to take care of things. ''({{Beat}})'' [[AManIsAlwaysEager On the other hand, I've never ploughed a succubus before]]...
80	-->'''Geralt:''' ''(moments later, truly astonished)'' [[TooDumbToLive Fucking idiot actually went in!]]
81	** If you decide to walk back to fetch Geralt instead:
82	-->'''Dandelion:''' ''(mournfully)'' I feel like a pimp.
83	** At the start of said quest, there's a ContinuityNod to a noonwraith in the first game before Dandelion pleads that Geralt not involve him in "another [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal messy monster matter]]". Once Geralt explains that it's a [[SuccubiAndIncubi succubus]], [[AManIsAlwaysEager however]]...
84	-->'''Dandelion:''' Are you crazy? Do you want to see a hoofed hag ride me to death? ''({{Beat}})'' On the other hand, [[OutWithABang we all have to die of something.]]
85	* "Bow low elf. You stand before a head crowned." Camera {{pan}} down to Demavend's severed head on a stump
86	* There's a sidequest in the Enhanced edition during the third chapter which requires you to go to a secret laboratory of the great mage Dearhenna. This involves solving complicated riddles and fighting your way through monsters. After completing these challenges, only one last obstacle remains, and that is a very intelligent and eloquent golem. You can fight him the straightforward way, or engage in a conversation and trick it. Doing it right will make that golem explode from LogicBomb overload. Doing it wrong however will lead to a hilariously unexpected line:
87	-->'''Geralt:''' Know that friends can also deceive. I am your master and I've been testing you.
88	-->'''Golem:''' [[PrecisionFStrike Bullshit.]] STOP THE INTRUDERS!
89	* If you take Triss to pluck a Rose of Remembrance, she expresses breathless admiration for the beauty of the garden and the statue at its center, both rare and precious relics of the glory days of the Elves. Then three loutish humans turn up and start discussing how they're going to chop the statue to pieces to drag it back to town. Whomever rendered the look of [[YouMonster absolute outraged horror]] on Triss' face deserves some kind of award.
90	* On the meta side of things: Kotaku presents [[http://kotaku.com/5828161/a-gripping-lusty-excerpt-from-my-witcher-2-novel "A Gripping, Lusty Excerpt From My Witcher 2 Novel"]].
91	-->''Shall I regale you with the tale of this magnificent battle? For verily, it was magnificent. In a flash, Geralt accidentally drew his silver sword, then hastily put it back in its scabbard. The brigand hit Geralt in the back, and Geralt stumbled forward. [...]\
92	Two of the bounty hunter’s men came at him from the left, so he rolled to the right. He rolled to the right again, and then rolled to the left.\
93	“Ploughing whoreson!” shouted the brigand.\

Context Funny / TheWitcher2AssassinsOfKings