History Funny / OldMansWar

8th May '16 4:20:43 PM AFP
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* Jane doesn't like it when John kisses her while she's on duty as Huckleberry's Constable, feeling that it erodes her authority. John pauses to imagine some local criminal trying to give Jane, a decorated Special Forces veteran, a hard time because she kissed her husband. He predicts the ensuing ass-kicking would be "terrible in its magnitude."
* Jane is less than impressed with how some of the colonists for Roanoke were selected. One of the worlds selected their candidates by lottery. Another via game show. Yet another had the colonial administration just start by [[ReassignedToAntarctica picking everyone they didn't get along with.]]
* Zoe laments that being something akin to a messianic figure for an entire space faring alien race can't even get her a free pass to skip doing homework.
* When John notices a boy he hasn't met yet, Enzo, putting his arm around Zoe's waist, [[OverprotectiveDad he gets his heckles up.]] In response, Jane teases him, calling him by Zoe's nickname of "Ninety-nine Year Old Dad" and wrapping her arms around him.
-->'''John''': [[IronicEcho You know I don't like it when you do that. It erodes my authority.]]
-->'''Jane''': Cram it.
8th May '16 4:07:50 PM AFP
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[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Sagan Diary]]
* Amidst the matter-of-fact narration of her role in the universe's cycle of life and death, Jane describes John Perry explaining [[ReassignedToAntarctica their new jobs on the colony of Huckleberry]], and admits that she stopped actually paying attention to anything he was saying a while ago. Shortly after, she gets him to stop talking by tossing the table sitting between them and pouncing on him for some lovemaking.
* An editorial note from a CDF official reviewing the diary complains that Jane spends less time talking about her experiences as a soldier (which is of historical interest to the official) and more time dwelling on her new-found love for John Perry (regarding which, mention that it's nice to know that she's in love, and that Perry is doubtless a very lucky man, but that ''they really don't care.'')
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[[folder:The Last Colony]]
* Perry reflects on how he first met his loyal and hardworking assistant, Savitri. During a visit to the colony of Huckleberry, part of a whistle stop tour of the colonies as the CDF's premiere war hero, Savitri stoop up and called him a "tool of the imperial and totalitarian regime of the Colonial Union."
-->'''Perry''': [[VitriolicBestBuds I liked her immediately.]]
[[/folder]]

[[folder:Zoe's Tale]]
* Zoe and her new friend Gretchen decide to break up a fight between two groups of boys from different planets by [[BatmanGambit barging into the middle of it]] and announcing that they've made a SideBet on who will win. The stakes in this bet, and thus implied to be the most important aspect of the whole confrontation? The girl who wins the bet gets the other girl's desserts for a whole week.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Human Division]]
* During the attack on [[spoiler: Earth Station]], an automated alert announces the availability of escape pods only ''after'' several other avenues of escaping the station fail. Hart Schmidt reflects on the absurdity of an emergency plan that waits until ''that'' point to actually announce this.
[[/folder]]

[[folder:The End of All Things]]
24th Mar '15 6:17:37 PM AFP
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* Wilson shows off the latest in faster-than-light travel technology: A seat attached to a hyperdrive. It turns out that certain limitations of the technology can be sidestepped, but only if the vehicle is as light as possible.
-->'''Wilson''': Too much mass creates too much of a local warp on the time-space. Makes the Skip Drive do weird things.
-->'''Jared''': Like what?
-->'''Wilson''': Like explode.
-->'''Jared''': Thatís not encouraging.
-->'''Wilson''': Well, ''explode'' is [[LaymansTerms not quite the accurate word]]. The physics for what ''really'' goes on are [[DivideByZero much weirder]], I assure you.
-->'''Jared''': You can stop now.
* Sagan learns that Szilard's [=BrainPal=] lets him [[spoiler: read the thoughts of his subordinates. Including her recent thought about him being an officious prick.]]
-->'''Sagan''': [[ICanExplain There was context for that.]]
** Szilard then notes that he usually leaves that feature disabled, [[spoiler: since the vast majority of human thought centers on food, taking a crap, or having sex.]]
* Jared finally comes face to face with Boutin, who claims to have been ExpectingSomeoneTaller.
-->'''Boutin''': That was a joke.
-->'''Jared''': I know. It just wasn't funny.
* One of Sagan's plans involves being catapulted through the air to get out of a holding area she and some of her troops are imprisoned in. As she rapidly approaches the ground again, she takes a moment to reflect on what the landing will be like:
-->''[[ThisIsGonnaSuck This is going to hurt.]]''
* Shortly after, she sees an enemy rapidly approaching on a hovercraft, and reaches around for anything to use as a weapon. [[RummageFail She comes up with a clod of dirt,]] and ends up nailing the enemy in the face with it anyways, knocking him off.
* Harvey has been detailed to [[WeNeedADistraction draw off as many of the enemy troops as possible.]] He is well-suited to the task.
-->[[LeeroyJenkins Harvey lived for this sort of shit.]]
** Harvey finds himself in a crowded mess hall full of enemy soldiers, while at the controls of a heavily armed hovercraft.
-->Things got messy real fast after that. It was just fucking beautiful.
-->[[SociopathicSoldier Harvey loved his job.]]
* A bit of meta-humor, from the Afterword, where John Scalzi wants to first say something to everyone who thinks that writing a sequel in a universe you've already built is easy:
-->'''John Scalzi''': [[HaHaHaNo Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Heh. No.]]
24th Mar '15 5:47:11 PM AFP
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[[/folder]]

[[folder:The Ghost Brigades]]
* The first chapter centers on a group of Raery researchers on a distant outpost which is suddenly attacked by alien invaders. When the head researcher is cornered by one of them, the narration gives the physical description of the bipedal mammalian alien, comparing and contrasting her physiology with the researcher's, until the researcher realizes what he is dealing with.
-->''Fucking humans.''
** While being interrogated, the researcher learns that the humans had found the carefully concealed underground complex by planting seismic sensors and proceeding to pepper the planet with meteors, allowing them to analyse the feedback on the sensors for anything out of place. Or, [[DeadpanSnarker as he puts it]], the humans figured out how to bang rocks together.
* General Mattson largely exists to be a HateSink, and he is largely aware of and unconcerned by this. Throughout the book he ends up [[AssholeVictim being the focal point of quite a bit of light-hearted comic relief]] in an otherwise relatively serious narrative due to his unsympathetic nature. He gets screamed at by a newly-created BlankSlate ArtificialHuman, later gets punched in the face by the same person, can't get automatic sensors on the bathroom sink to work, and when he finally gets the sink to work, can't find any paper towels.
* A bit of DescriptionPorn exposits on the amazing technological development of a semi-organic computer that could be integrated with the human brain, and ''"which in a moment of profoundly inappropriate branding was lightly dubbed the [=BrainPal=]"''.
* Several CDF officers discover that Charles Boutin had faked his own suicide before defecting, and that he created a backup copy of his own consciousness to facilitate this. So they produce a new SuperSoldier BlankSlate from Boutin's DNA in hopes of transplanting his personality and interrogating him. A general who didn't like Boutin to begin with, and is very irate that he turned traitor, positions himself so that the first thing Boutin sees upon waking up is the General. And then is treated to Boutin's clone screaming in his face, due to the consciousness failing to take root, effectively leaving him as a terrified newborn.
** Later in the book, the consciousness ''does'' begin to take root, resulting in the clone (now known as Jared Dirac) [[HeyYouHaymaker slugging the general in the face]] on their next meeting.
* General Mattson demonstrates that in the distant future, humanity has interstellar travel, LegoGenetics, sophisticated computerized brain implants, and the little automatic sensors on bathroom sinks still refuse to work reliably. And the latrine is out of paper towels.
* The Special Forces recruits quickly learn that Special Forces troops have a reputation for having NoSenseOfHumor, leading to an ongoing discussion and exploration of the topic, including all of them learning a wide variety of jokes, and widely agreeing that they don't get any of them. Except for Sarah Pauling, [[TheHyena who laughs hysterically at every joke.]] Eventually they figure out that she doesn't actually get the jokes, but finds it ''hilarious'' that nobody else does either.
* The recruits discover swearing, and begin to [[ClusterFBomb cuss extensively]] before their instructor tells them to knock it off. The next day they discover ''Arabic'' swearing. Not long after, they discover sex, and the narration notes that they didn't have time to learn about much else for the next day or so.
* Sarah declares that she doesn't act like a child. [[HypocriticalHumor And then sticks her tongue out at Jared.]]
* Cainen notes that he and Jared have both been at the business end of Jane Sagan's stun gun. He goes on to suggest they could start a club.
* The RunningGag of Colonel Robbins being invited to spend lunch with General Mattson and/or General Szilard in the General's Mess, and not being allowed to eat anything because he's not a General.
** During one of these meals, Szilard is explaining what he thinks is going on, and gets annoyed that Robbins limits his input to polite, subordinate, noncommittal statements.
-->'''General Szilard''': Christ, Robbins. Do you think Iím talking to you because I donít have ''friends?''
** The rule about only Generals getting to eat in the General's Mess is noted as being a tradition, rather than an actual rule. Szilard thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and decides to end one of the meetings by [[NotSoAboveItAll badgering Colonel Robbins to eat a cookie in order to break tradition.]]
-->'''Szilard''': Colonel, [[ThatsAnOrder Iím giving you a direct order]]. Eat the fucking cookie.
13th Mar '15 6:33:00 PM AFP
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* During a raid on the Whaidian homeworld, John is accompanied by Private Bender a rather liberal-minded fellow who spent his previous life as a successful politician and diplomat, who keeps insisting that they should give peace a chance. When they happen across a massive gathering of Whaidians, Bender decides to [[TooDumbToLive run up to them and flex his diplomatic muscles.]] The narration [[BlackHumor dryly notes]] that he was struck by about [[NoKillLikeOverKill 40,000 blowgun darts]] in the space of a second, which caused his body to [[ChunkySalsaRule literally liquify]] due to the [[DeathOfAThousandCuts sheer number of tiny puncture wounds he received.]] It was widely agreed by every soldier present to be the most interesting death they'd ever witnessed.
* Another mission has John's unit taking part in a large scale operation to retake a former human colony that had been claimed by the Covindu after the original human settlers died of a plague. The narration describes the drawn-out, intense fighting they had endured, and mentions that the Covindu are one of the rare examples of HumanoidAliens, being very similar to humans in many ways... [[LilliputianWarriors save for being less than an inch tall.]] The tide of battle has turned such that the Covindu have exhausted most of their fighting capability, and the human soldiers are rampaging through their cities stomping on them, with an explicit comparison to {{Kaiju}}. The realization of just how absurd the situation is causes John to have a nervous breakdown (in addition to a brief HeelRealization).
13th Mar '15 6:14:42 PM AFP
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[[Folder:Old Man's War]]

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[[Folder:Old [[folder:Old Man's War]]
13th Mar '15 6:14:28 PM AFP
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[Folder:Old Man's War]

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[Folder:Old [[foldercontrol]]

[[Folder:Old
Man's War]War]]



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13th Mar '15 6:13:57 PM AFP
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[[Folder:Old Man's War]]

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[[Folder:Old [Folder:Old Man's War]]War]



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13th Mar '15 6:13:36 PM AFP
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[[Folder:Old Man's War]]



** Throughout the rest of the book, there is a subtle RunningGag of John's [=BrainPal=] providing him with entirely relevant and [[CaptainObvious entirely obvious]] information, always of course referred to as "Asshole".



-->'''John''': [[FlatWhat I am suddenly confused and terrified.]]

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-->'''John''': [[FlatWhat I am suddenly confused and terrified.]]]]
[[/folder]]
13th Mar '15 6:11:36 PM AFP
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* John learns that he gets to be the lynch pin in the Ghost Brigade's plan to retake Coral, beginning with a little visit to the [[SufficientlyAdvancedAlien Consu]] home system to act as the human Ambassador to a race which invades its far less advanced neighbors for either [[ForTheEvulz sport]] or [[ScarDogmaticAliens religion.]]

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* John learns that he gets to be the lynch pin in the Ghost Brigade's plan to retake Coral, beginning with a little visit to the [[SufficientlyAdvancedAlien Consu]] home system to act as the human Ambassador to a race which invades its far less advanced neighbors for either [[ForTheEvulz sport]] or [[ScarDogmaticAliens [[ScaryDogmaticAliens religion.]]
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