History Funny / MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian

-->'''Brian:''' I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!\\

'''Stan:''' And from our fathers' fathers' ''fathers[='=]'' fathers!\\

'''Pilate:''' Oh yes, thwow him to the floor, please. ''(the Centurion nods to the two guards, who grab Brian's arms; as he is already on the floor, they don't have far to throw him)''\\

-->'''Centurion:''' D'you know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?\\
'''Matthias:''' No.\\
'''Centurion:''' ''Crucifixion.''\\
'''Matthias:''' Oh.\\
'''Centurion:''' ''(looks at Matthias, puzzled by his lack of reaction)'' ... ''Nasty'', eh?\\
'''Matthias:''' ''(shrugs)'' Could be worse.\\
'''Centurion:''' What d'you mean, "could be worse"!?\\
'''Matthias:''' Well, you could be stabbed.\\
'''Centurion:''' Stabbed? Takes a second! Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, ''[='=]orrible'' death!\\
'''Matthias:''' Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.\\
'''Centurion:''' ... you're ''weird''.
* Moments later, the Centurion returns because his squad FailedASpotCheck. After another round of conversing with Matthias, the squad return for the report of a job well done...
-->'''Centurion:''' Have you ever seen anyone crucified?\\
'''Matthias:''' Crucifixion's a doddle.\\
'''Centurion:''' ''(disturbed)'' Don't keep saying that...\\
''(the legionaries march back out of Matthias' flat)''\\
'''Soldier:''' Found this spoon, sir!

-->'''Spike''': ''[raises hands [[LargeHam dramatically]]]'' Stop! Stop! ''[declaiming]'' He cometh to us, like the seed from the grain...\\

'''Brian:''' Naughtius Maximus. ''(the Centurion laughs uproariously, but stops suddenly when Pilate gives him a quizzical look)''\\

'''Pilate:''' Spiwit!\\

'''Centurion:''' Oh! Er, about eleven, sir.\\

** Which, naturally, leads to hilarity when he takes over speaking the list of names, who the Centurion had picked to avoid ''Pontius''' ElmuhFuddSyndwome, but not a {{lisp}}.

-->Let me come with you, [[SpeechImpediment Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith]]! [[spoiler: ''Translation: I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis.'']]

'''Brian:''' ''"Domum"!'' AHH![[note]] The locative of "domus" is actually "domi"; "domum" is the accusative, but is grammatically correct in this context.[[/note]]\\

'''Brian's Mother:''' Led by a bottle, more like! Get out!

* Brian and his mother go to see {{Jesus}} giving the Sermon on the Mount, but they are so far away from Him that His words don't quite have the intended effect on either them or their nearby fellow audience members.

* After Brian hides on Matthias' balcony for the third time, it finally gives way, and he falls onto a platform and knocks a man identified in the script as "Boring Prophet" into a nearby basin, to the applause of the few people listening to his oration. Noticing a Roman guard eyeing him suspiciously and the audience looking at him expectantly, Brian tries his hand at preaching, and ends up accidentally starting a new religion...[[note]] Everything Brian says is a garbled or misquoted version of something {{Jesus}} said according to the Gospels; his invocations of the birds and the lilies are cribbed from the Sermon on the Mount (cf. Matthew 6:26-34), while the parable of the talents is from Jesus' final audience with His disciples before the Last Supper (cf. Matthew 25:14-30).[[/note]]

'''Pilate:''' A ''Woman''?[[note]] No, not a woman, it's [[No Pronunciation Guide pronounced]] "Woe-Man".[[/note]]\\

'''Pilate:''' A ''Woman''?[[note]] No, not a woman, it's [[NoPronounciationGuide pronounced]] "Woe Man".[[/note]]\\

'''Pilate:''' A ''Woman''?[[note]] No, not a woman, a Woman.[[/note]]\\

'''Girl:''' Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.\\

'''Multitude:''' Yes, we're all individuals!\\

* "[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBOQzSk14c I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.]]" Of course, even if hormone therapy were around in the first century, the ultimate reason Stan wants to be Loretta would be difficult to realise:

-->'''Centurion:''' ''(claps his hand on Brian's shoulder; Brian turns round in alarm)'' What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"!? People called Romanes, they go the house?!\\
'''Brian:''' It says, "Romans go home."\\

* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7HmhrgTuQ What did the Romans ever do for us?]] An outstanding example of a rhetorical question backfiring.

'''Spectator:''' I think it was "BlessedAreTheCheesemakers".\\

'''Spectator:''' I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".\\

'''Dennis:''' ''(shouting after Brian)'' Ten!\\

'''Big Nose:''' One more time, mate, and I'll take you to fucking cleaner!\\

'''Big Nose:''' I wasn't gonna pick my nose, I'm gonna thump him!

'''Followers:''' He is! He is the Messiah!\\

* Brian's first job after joining the PFJ: paint "Romans Go Home" in Latin on the wall of Pilate's palace. However, he is caught by a Centurion, who... [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XbI-fDzUJXI decides he needs a lesson in Latin grammar.]]

'''Spectator:''' I think it was "BlessedAreTheCheesemakers".\\