Line #100 Funny/MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian


1	[[quoteright:350:https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/biggus_dickus_lob.png]]
2	[[caption-width-right:350:''"Do you find it...'' wisible... ''when I say the name... Biggus (Soldier desperately holds in laughter)... '''Dickus?'''"'']]
3	* The Three Wise Men going to see baby Brian by mistake.
4	-->'''One of the Wise Men:''' We were led by a star.\
5	'''Brian's Mother:''' Led by a bottle, more like! Go on out!
6	* Brian and his mother go to see UsefulNotes/{{Jesus}} giving the Sermon on the Mount, but they are so far away from Him that His words don't quite have the intended effect on either them or their nearby fellow audience members.
7	** Brian's mother yells at Jesus to speak up; a nearby audience member tries to shush her, only to start a fight with another audience member:
8	--->'''Big Nose:''' Will you be quiet!\
9	'''Big Nose's Wife:''' Don't pick your nose!\
10	'''Big Nose:''' I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching it.\
11	'''Big Nose's Wife:''' You was picking it while you was talking to that lady!\
12	'''Big Nose:''' I wasn't!\
13	'''Big Nose's Wife:''' Leave it alone! Give it a rest!\
14	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' Do you mind, I can't hear a word he's saying.\
15	'''Big Nose's Wife:''' Don't you "do you mind" me! I was talking to my husband!\
16	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' Well, can't you talk to him somewhere else? I can't hear a bloody thing!\
17	'''Big Nose:''' Don't you swear at my wife!\
18	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' Well, I was only asking her to shut up so that I can hear what he's saying, Big nose!\
19	'''Big Nose's Wife:''' Don't you call my husband "Big nose"!\
20	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' Well, he has got a big nose.\
21	'''Bearded Man:''' Could you be quiet, please? What was that?\
22	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' I don't know, I was too busy talking to Big nose!\
23	'''Spectator:''' I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".\
24	'''Bearded Man's Wife:''' Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?\
25	'''Bearded Man:''' Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.\
26	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' See, if you hadn't been going on we'd have heard that, Big nose.\
27	'''Big Nose:''' Hey, say that once more, I'll smash your bloody face in!\
28	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' Oh, better keep listening, might be a bit about "Blessed are the Big noses".\
29	'''Brian:''' Oh, lay off him!\
30	'''Mr. Cheeky:''' Well, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face. Where are you two from, 'Nose City'?\
31	'''Big Nose:''' One more time, mate, and I'll take you to the [[PrecisionFStrike fuckin']] cleaners!\
32	'''Big Nose's Wife:''' Language! And don't pick your nose!\
33	'''Big Nose:''' I wasn't gonna pick my nose, I was gonna ''thump him!''
34	** A few words ''do'' get through, however:
35	--->"Oh, it's the ''meek''! 'Blessed are the ''meek''!' Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something because they have a hell of a time."
36	** In our introduction to the People's Front of Judea, we see that leader Reg is unimpressed by the content of the sermon, muttering, "Yeah, well what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is it's the meek who are the problem."
37	* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SYkbqzWVHZI stoning scene.]] Matthias of Gath has been sentenced to be stoned to death for saying to his wife, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah," but he isn't going down quietly:
38	-->'''Matthias:''' Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah"! ''(the crowd begin screaming in outrage)''\
39	'''Jewish Official:''' ''(points at Matthias)'' You're only making it worse for yourself!\
40	'''Matthias:''' ''Making it worse?!'' How could it be worse!? ''(singing and hopping from one foot to the other while kicking up dust)'' Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! ''(the crowd begin screaming in outrage again)''\
41	'''Jewish Official:''' I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more- ''(a woman in the crowd throws a stone at his head)'' RIGHT! WHO THREW THAT!? ''(awkward silence)'' Come on! Who threw that?\
42	'''Crowd:''' ''(pointing at the stone thrower)'' SHE DID! SHE DID! ''(remembering they're disguised as men, they drop their voices several octaves)'' HE DID! Him, him, him!\
43	'''Jewish Official:''' Was it you?\
44	'''Woman with False Beard:''' Yes.\
45	'''Jewish Official:''' Right!\
46	'''Woman with False Beard:''' Well, you did say "Jehovah"! ''(the crowd roars in anger and hurls a barrage of stones at her, and she falls down)''\
47	'''Jewish Official:''' ''(cowering at all the stones being thrown before jumping up and down with rage)'' STOP! STOP! WILL YOU STOP THAT!? STOP IT! ''(the stoning - and jumping - stop)'' Now look, no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. ''(produces whistle)'' D'you understand?! Even... and I want to make this ''absolutely clear''... even if they ''do'' say Jehovah! ''(with a roar, the crowd knock him to the ground with a huge barrage of stones; four women carry over a gigantic boulder and drop it on top of him)''\
48	'''Woman with False Beard:''' Good shot! ''(the crowd applauds while the two Roman guards on crowd control duty look at each other and shake their heads in disbelief)''
49	* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFBOQzSk14c I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.]]" Of course, even if hormone therapy were around in the first century, the ultimate reason Stan wants to be Loretta would be difficult to realise[[note]]And TruthInTelevision for many transgender women.[[/note]]:
50	-->'''Stan/Loretta:''' I want to have babies.\
51	'''Reg:''' ... ''you want to have babies!?''\
52	'''Stan/Loretta:''' [[InsaneTrollLogic It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them]]!\
53	'''Reg:''' But - you can't ''have'' babies!\
54	'''Stan/Loretta:''' Don't you oppress me!\
55	'''Reg:''' [[BrutalHonesty I'm not oppressing you, Stan, you haven't got a womb! Where's the fetus gonna gestate, ya gonna keep it in a box]]?! ''(Stan/Loretta begins sobbing; Reg {{Facepalm}}s)''\
56	'''Judith:''' Here - I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans'... but that he ''can'' have the ''right'' to have babies.\
57	'''Francis:''' Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your ''right'' to have babies, Brother!- Sister, sorry.\
58	'''Reg:''' What's the point!?\
59	'''Francis:''' What?\
60	'''Reg:''' [[ArmorPiercingQuestion What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!]]\
61	'''Francis:''' ''(thinks)'' It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression!\
62	'''Reg:''' Symbolic of his struggle against reality...
63	* The bar to join the People's Front of Judea is apparently not as high as advertised:
64	-->'''Reg:''' Listen! If you want to join the PFJ, you've got to ''really'' hate the Romans!\
65	'''Brian:''' I ''do!''\
66	'''Reg:''' Oh, yeah? How much?\
67	'''Brian:''' A ''lot!''\
68	'''Reg:''' ... right, you're in.
69	* Brian's first job after joining the PFJ: paint "Romans Go Home" in Latin on the wall of Pilate's palace. However, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3gNdGHsEIk he is caught by a Centurion]], who... [[GrammarCorrectionGag decides he needs a lesson in Latin grammar.]]
70	-->'''Centurion:''' ''(claps his hand on Brian's shoulder; Brian turns round in alarm)'' What's this then? "Romanes eunt domus"!? "People called Romanes, they go the house"?!\
71	'''Brian:''' It says, "Romans go home".\
72	'''Centurion:''' No it doesn't! What's Latin for "Roman"? ''(Brian doesn't answer; the Centurion grabs his ear)'' Come on, come on!\
73	'''Brian:''' Ah! "Romanus"?\
74	'''Centurion:''' Goes like?\
75	'''Brian:''' "Annus"?\
76	'''Centurion:''' Vocative plural of "annus" is?\
77	'''Brian:''' "Anni"?\
78	'''Centurion:''' "Romani"... ''(takes Brian's paintbrush, crosses out the "ES" in "ROMANES", and writes an "I" above it)'' "Eunt"? What is "eunt"?\
79	'''Brian:''' "Go".\
80	'''Centurion:''' Conjugate the verb "to go".\
81	'''Brian:''' Er, "ire", er, "eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt."\
82	'''Centurion:''' So "eunt" is...?\
83	'''Brian:''' ''(gasping in terror)'' Er, er, third person plural present indicative, "they go".\
84	'''Centurion:''' But "Romans go home" is an ''order!'' So you must use the... ''(grabs Brian's hair and starts lifting him up by it)''\
85	'''Brian:''' ''(high-pitched)'' Imperative!\
86	'''Centurion:''' Which is?\
87	'''Brian:''' Oh! Erm, erm, oh... "I"! "I"!\
88	'''Centurion:''' ''(pulling Brian's hair higher)'' How many Romans?\
89	'''Brian:''' Ahh! Plural, plural! "Ite"! "Ite"!\
90	'''Centurion:''' "Ite". ''(crosses out "EUNT" and writes "ITE" above it)'' "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home", this is motion towards, isn't it boy?\
91	'''Brian:''' ''(gasping)'' Dative, sir? ''(the Centurion draws his sword and holds it at Brian's throat; Brian shrieks in terror and begins speaking at double speed)'' AHHH! Not dative! Not the dative, sir! Er - ooh! - er - the accusative, accusative! Er, "domu", sir, "ad domu"![[note]] "[ad] domu" is the ablative, not the accusative.[[/note]]\
92	'''Centurion:''' ''(pressing the tip of his sword against Brian's throat)'' Except that "domus" always takes the...?\
93	'''Brian:''' OOOH! AHHH! The locative, sir!\
94	'''Centurion:''' Which is...!?\
95	'''Brian:''' ''"Domum"!'' AHH![[note]] The locative of "domus" is actually "domi"; "domum" is the accusative, but is grammatically correct in this context, as the locative indicates where the subject is ''now''.[[/note]]\
96	'''Centurion:''' ''(takes his sword away from Brian's throat and takes his paintbrush)'' "Domum". ''(crosses out the "US" at the end of "DOMUS" and writes "UM")'' "-um". Understand?\
97	'''Brian:''' Yes sir!\
98	'''Centurion:''' Now, write it out a hundred times.\
99	'''Brian:''' Yes sir! Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!\
100	'''Centurion:''' Hail Caesar. [[FreudianThreat If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.]]\
101	'''Brian:''' Yes, sir! Thank you sir, Hail Caesar and everything sir! ''(Brian resumes his vandalism as he lets out a scared whimper)''
102	* When Brian finishes the punishment his self-appointed Latin master has given him, the walls of Pilate's palace are covered in the slogan "ROMANI ITE DOMUM". The guards who have been watching him all night tell Brian not to do it again, then leave, and their replacements arrive; as they do not know why Brian has been defacing Pilate's palace, they immediately chase after him to arrest him for vandalism.
103	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qc7HmhrgTuQ What did the Romans ever do for us?]] An outstanding example of a RhetoricalQuestionBlunder.
104	-->'''Reg:''' They bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had. And not just from us! From our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers!\
105	'''Stan:''' And from our fathers' fathers' fathers!\
106	'''Reg:''' Yeah.\
107	'''Stan:''' And from our fathers' fathers' ''fathers[='=]'' fathers![[note]]An exaggeration by both of them as the Roman province of Judea was only founded in AD 6, just one generation before.[[/note]]\
108	'''Reg:''' Yeah, all right, Stan, don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return!?\
109	'''First revolutionary:''' ''(raises hand)'' The aqueduct?\
110	'''Reg:''' What?\
111	'''First revolutionary:''' The aqueduct.\
112	'''Reg:''' Oh. Yeah, yeah, they did give us that. Yeah, that's true, yeah...\
113	'''Second revolutionary:''' ''(raises hand)'' And the sanitation.\
114	'''Stan:''' Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg, remember what the city ''used'' to be like?\
115	'''Reg:''' Yeah, all right, I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things the Romans ''have'' done.\
116	'''Matthias:''' And the roads!\
117	'''Reg:''' ''(getting impatient)'' Well, yeah, ''obviously'' the roads, I mean the roads go without saying, don't they? But ''apart'' from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads-\
118	'''Third revolutionary:''' Irrigation?\
119	'''First revolutionary:''' Medicine?\
120	'''Fourth revolutionary:''' Education!\
121	'''Reg:''' Yeah, yeah, all right, fair enough-\
122	'''Fifth revolutionary:''' And the wine! ''(murmurs of agreement from Matthias and the other revolutionaries)''\
123	'''Francis:''' Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left.\
124	'''Sixth revolutionary:''' Public baths.\
125	'''Stan:''' And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.\
126	'''Francis:''' Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it, the only ones who could in a place like this! ''(laughter from all except Reg)''\
127	'''Reg:''' ''(looking thoroughly fed up)'' All right, but ''apart'' from the sanitation, the medicine, education, the wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health - ''what'' [[WhatTheRomansHaveDoneForUs have the Romans ever done for us]]?\
128	'''First revolutionary:''' ''(raises hand)'' Brought peace?\
129	'''Reg:''' ''(disgusted)'' Oh, peace... SHUT UP!
130	* The PFJ's plan to kidnap Pontius Pilate's wife and issue demands to the Romans before they will release her does not go as expected; the Campaign for Free Galilee have apparently been making the same plans for months, and when the two groups run into each other, they end up getting in a big fight (possibly the Trope Namer for WeAreStrugglingTogether) which only Brian survives. One of the funniest moments of the scene happens when two Roman guards notice the fight, look at each other, and shake their heads in disbelief.
131	-->''(as the fight rages)''\
132	'''Brian:''' Brothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!\
133	'''Francis:''' ''(grappling with a member of the CFG)'' We are! Ooh!\
134	'''Brian:''' We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!\
135	''(the fighting stops)''\
136	'''All except Brian:''' ''(excited)'' The Judean People's Front!\
137	'''Brian:''' No, no, the ''Romans!''\
138	'''All except Brian:''' Oh, yeah./Yeah, he's right.
139	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K8_jgiNqUc Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate to account for himself.]]
140	** Pilate's case of ElmuhFuddSyndwome is just the tip of the iceberg, but it gets the scene off to a flying start:
141	--->'''Pilate:''' ''(talking to his architect)'' ... to make one large living awea... ''(the Centurion and guards bring Brian into the room; Pilate walks over to meet them)''\
142	'''Centurion:''' ''(salutes)'' Hail Caesar!\
143	'''Pilate:''' ''(salutes)'' Hail!\
144	'''Centurion:''' Only one survivor, sir!\
145	'''Pilate:''' Ah! Thwow him to the floor.\
146	'''Centurion:''' What, sir?\
147	'''Pilate:''' ''Thwow'' him to the floor!\
148	'''Centurion:''' Ah. ''(nods to the guards, who hurl Brian at the floor)''\
149	'''Brian:''' Ugh! ''(struggles into a kneeling position)''\
150	'''Pilate:''' Hm. Now... what is your name, Jew?\
151	'''Brian:''' Brian, sir.\
152	'''Pilate:''' Bwian, eh?\
153	'''Brian:''' No no, ''Brian''. ''(the Centurion glares at him and backhands his face, knocking him over sideways)'' Ahh!
154	** And Brian isn't the only one who has trouble penetrating Pilate's SpeechImpediment:
155	--->'''Pilate:''' ''(chuckles)'' The little wascal has spiwit!\
156	'''Centurion:''' Has what, sir?\
157	'''Pilate:''' ''Spiwit!''\
158	'''Centurion:''' Yes, he did, sir!\
159	'''Pilate:''' ''(looks puzzled)'' No no, spiwit, er... bwavado, a touch of... dewwing-do.\
160	'''Centurion:''' ''Oh!'' Er, about eleven, sir.\
161	'''Pilate:''' ''(looks even more confused, shrugs it off)'' So... you dare to waid us?\
162	'''Brian:''' To what, sir?\
163	'''Pilate:''' ''Stwike him'', Centuwion, ''vewy woughly! (the Centurion backhands Brian's face again)''\
164	'''Brian:''' Ahh! ''(grabs his cheek in pain)''\
165	'''Centurion:''' Oh, and, er, throw him to the floor, sir?\
166	'''Pilate:''' ... what?\
167	'''Centurion:''' ''Thwow'' him to the floor again, sir?\
168	'''Pilate:''' Oh yes, thwow him to the floor, please. ''(the Centurion nods to the two guards, who grab Brian's arms, lift him about a foot off his knees and drop him again)''\
169	'''Brian:''' Ahh!
170	** The Centurion's attempt to poke holes in Brian's origin story takes a very unexpected turn...
171	--->'''Pilate:''' Now... Jewish wapscallion!\
172	'''Brian:''' I'm not Jewish, I'm a Roman!\
173	'''Pilate:''' A ''Woman''?[[note]] No, not a woman, it's pronounced "Woe-Man".[[/note]]\
174	'''Brian:''' No no - ''Roman. (the Centurion backhands his face and knocks him over sideways again)'' Egh!\
175	'''Pilate:''' So! Your father was a Woman! Who was he?\
176	'''Brian:''' ''(struggling back into a kneeling position)'' He was a Centurion in the Jerusalem garrison, sir.\
177	'''Pilate:''' Weally? What was his name?\
178	'''Brian:''' Naughtius Maximus. ''([[ActuallyPrettyFunny the Centurion laughs uproariously]], but stops suddenly when Pilate gives him a quizzical look)''\
179	'''Pilate:''' Centuwion? Do you have anyone of that name in the gawwison?\
180	'''Centurion:''' ''(clearly amazed Pilate is bothering to ask this question)'' ...well, no, sir.\
181	'''Pilate:''' You don't sound vewy sure. Have you checked?\
182	'''Centurion:''' Well, no, sir, erm... I think it's a joke, sir. Like, er, Sillius Soddus, or, or... Biggus Dickus, sir. ''(snickering in the background)''\
183	'''Pilate:''' What's so... ''funny'' about Biggus Dickus?\
184	'''Centurion:''' Well, it's a joke name, sir.\
185	'''Pilate:''' I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus Dickus! ''(more snickering from a nearby guard; Pilate marches over to him, enraged)'' SILENCE! What is all this insolence!? You will find yourself in gladiator school ''vewy quickly'' with wotten behaviour like that!\
186	'''Brian:''' Can I go now, sir? ''(the Centurion backhands him yet again)'' Ahhh!
187	** And then the scene really takes off. Every repetition of "Biggus Dickus" from Pontius Pilate who fails to get the "joke" sends the guards and the audience deeper into hysterics. The mention that Dickus's wife is "Incontinentia Buttocks" is what makes even the most desperately-trying-to-keep-a-straight-face members (of both groups) collapse into paroxysms of laughter.
188	--->'''Pilate:''' Wait 'til Biggus Dickus hears of this! ''(the guard snickers again)'' WIGHT! TAKE HIM AWAY!\
189	'''Centurion:''' Oh, sir, he, he, er-\
190	'''Pilate:''' No, no, I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week!\
191	'''Centurion:''' Yes, sir. ''(grabs snickering guard)'' C'mon, you. ''(he drags the guard out of the room; the guard continues to laugh helplessly)''\
192	'''Pilate:''' I will NOT have my fwiends ''widiculed'' by the... common soldiewy! ''(glares at Brian's guards)'' Anybody else feel like a little... ''giggle''... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus... ''Dickus? (both guards struggle to keep their laughter in; Pilate marches over to another guard who is practically inhaling his own cheeks trying to keep from laughing)'' What about you? Do you find it... ''wisible''... when I say the name... Biggus... ''(the guard makes a feeble squeaking noise)'' DICKUS? ''(Brian's guards are struggling even more to keep their laughter in; a few deep breaths, and they seem to recover)'' ... He has a wife, you know. ''(one of the guards' faces [[ThisIsGonnaSuck turns to pure dread]]; they're both sure they're about to lose their battle to keep from laughing)'' You know what she's called? ''(the guards shake their heads)'' She's called... Incontinentia. ''({{Beat}})'' Incontinentia Buttocks. ''(this is {{the last straw}} for the guards; they fall about laughing hysterically)'' SHUT UP! What is all this!? I've had enough of this... wowdy wabble, sniggewing behaviour! Silence! Call yourselves [[PraetorianGuard Pwaetowian Guards]]!? ''(Brian takes advantage of the distraction and sneaks away, but Pilate notices him)'' Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
193	** In that scene, the extras playing the guards were ordered to keep a straight face throughout ''on pain of not being paid'', [[EnforcedMethodActing and thus their ultimately futile attempts to suppress their laughter are real]]. Made worse by how the wife's name changed every take, so they never knew what was coming.
194	** Even better, pay attention to Michael Palin's face throughout. As he says his lines right in the face of the guard inhaling his cheeks, it's pretty clear that he himself is trying not to crack. Then, as he approaches the guards holding Brian, his face is a marvel to behold! He's clearly having fun trying to make them crack.
195	* The BigLippedAlligatorMoment where Brian falls off the roof while escaping from the palace... into a conveniently passing alien spacecraft. The aliens piloting the ship don't have long to take in Brian's sudden arrival, as they are in the middle of a battle. The conclusion [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSY4fEEg4j0 has to be seen to be believed.]] The absent-minded builder right before is quite hilarious as well.
196	-->'''Surprised Passer-by:''' Oooh, you lucky bastard! ''(Brian shrugs helplessly)''
197	* When Brian escapes from Pilate's palace, the Vth Legion follow him back to the PFJ's official headquarters.
198	** While Brian hides on the rickety balcony, the other members hide under tables and behind screens as their "cover", Matthias, answers the door. As over a dozen legionaries march into Matthias' tiny flat, the Centurion decides to twist his arm a bit, only for his threat to backfire unexpectedly:
199	--->'''Matthias:''' My eyes are dim, I cannot see... ''(opens his front door)''\
200	'''Centurion:''' Are you Matthias?\
201	'''Matthias:''' Yes?\
202	'''Centurion:''' We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the People's Front of Judea.\
203	'''Matthias:''' ''(in his best old man voice)'' Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent-\
204	'''Centurion:''' Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house!\
205	''(dozens of soldiers march in)''\
206	'''Centurion:''' D'you know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?\
207	'''Matthias:''' No.\
208	'''Centurion:''' ''Crucifixion.''\
209	'''Matthias:''' Oh.\
210	'''Centurion:''' ''(looks at Matthias, puzzled by his lack of reaction)'' ... ''Nasty'', eh?\
211	'''Matthias:''' ''(shrugs)'' Could be worse.\
212	'''Centurion:''' What d'you mean, "could be worse"!?\
213	'''Matthias:''' Well, you could be stabbed.\
214	'''Centurion:''' Stabbed? Takes a second! Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, ''[='=]orrible'' death!\
215	'''Matthias:''' Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.\
216	'''Centurion:''' ... you're ''weird''.\
217	''(the soldiers march back out of Matthias' flat; the last one gives his report)''\
218	'''Soldier:''' No, sir - couldn't find anything, sir. ''(the centurion motions for him to leave, so he does)''\
219	'''Centurion:''' Don't worry, you've not heard the last of us...weirdo.\
220	'''Matthias:''' ''(as the centurion turns to leave)'' [[BrickJoke ...Big nose.]]\
221	'''Centurion''': ''(turns back as Matthias cheekily covers his mouth)'' Watch it!
222	** As soon as the coast is clear, Reg starts laying into Brian for his carelessness, but mere moments later, the Centurion returns because his squad FailedASpotCheck, and the PFJ all hide again. After another round of conversing with Matthias, the (much enlarged) squad return for the report of a job well done.
223	--->'''Centurion:''' Have you ever seen anyone crucified?\
224	'''Matthias:''' Crucifixion's a doddle.\
225	'''Centurion:''' ''(disturbed)'' Don't keep saying that...\
226	''(the legionaries march back out of Matthias' flat in undercranked footage)''\
227	'''Soldier:''' Found this spoon, sir!\
228	'''Centurion:''' ''(wide-eyed confusion)'' Well done, sergeant. ''(to Matthias)'' We'll be back... oddball.
229	** When they come back a third time, Matthias complains that [[NotHelpingYourCase they hadn't given them enough time to hide yet]] - which [[TheGuardsMustBeCrazy elicits no reaction from the guards]].
230	* After Brian hides on Matthias' balcony for the third time, it finally gives way, and he falls onto a platform and knocks a man identified in the script as "Boring Prophet" into a nearby basin, to the applause of the few people listening to his oration. Noticing a Roman guard eyeing him suspiciously and the audience looking at him expectantly, Brian tries his hand at preaching, and ends up accidentally starting a new religion...[[note]] Everything Brian says is a garbled or misquoted version of something UsefulNotes/{{Jesus}} said according to the Gospels; his invocations of the birds and the lilies are cribbed from the Sermon on the Mount (cf. Matthew 6:26-34), while the parable of the talents is from Jesus' final audience with His disciples before the Last Supper (cf. Matthew 25:14-30).[[/note]]
231	** Things get off to a shaky start; Brian's first line is a less punchy version of "Judge not, that ye be not judged", while the gourd he picked up while being forced to haggle over the price of a false beard attracts more interest than his speech (names of Brian's spectators as given in the script):
232	--->'''Brian:''' ''(struggles to think of something to say, then finally comes up with...)'' Don't... pass judgement on other people... or you might be judged yourself.\
233	'''Colin:''' What?\
234	'''Brian:''' I said, "Don't pass judgement on other people, or else you might get judged too."\
235	'''Colin:''' Who, me?\
236	'''Brian:''' Yes.\
237	'''Colin:''' ''(brightly)'' Ooh, thank you very much! ''(leaves)''\
238	'''Brian:''' Well, not just you, all of you!\
239	'''Dennis:''' ''(notices the gourd Brian picked up)'' That's a nice gourd.\
240	'''Brian:''' What?\
241	'''Dennis:''' How much d'you want for the gourd?\
242	'''Brian:''' I don't. You can have it. ''(gives him the gourd)''\
243	'''Dennis:''' Have it??\
244	'''Brian:''' Yes. ''(to the spectators)'' Consider the lilies!\
245	'''Dennis:''' Don't you want to haggle?\
246	'''Brian:''' No. ''(to the spectators)'' In the field!\
247	'''Dennis:''' What's wrong with it then??\
248	'''Brian:''' Nothing, take it!
249	** The crowd are even more unimpressed when Brian finally gets going:
250	--->'''Elsie:''' "Consider the lilies"!?\
251	'''Brian:''' Er, well, the birds, then.\
252	'''Arthur:''' What birds?\
253	'''Brian:''' Any birds.\
254	'''Eddie:''' Why??\
255	'''Brian:''' Well, have they got jobs?\
256	'''Arthur:''' Who?\
257	'''Brian:''' The birds.\
258	'''Eddie:''' Have the ''birds'' got jobs!?\
259	'''Frank:''' ''(walking past)'' What's the matter with him?\
260	'''Arthur:''' Says the birds are scrounging!\
261	'''Brian:''' Look, the point is, the birds, they do all right, don't they?\
262	'''Frank:''' Well, good luck to 'em!\
263	'''Eddie:''' Yeah, they're very pretty!\
264	'''Brian:''' Okay. And ''you're'' much more important than they are, right? So what are you worrying about? There you are, see?\
265	'''Eddie:''' I'm worrying about what you've got against birds!\
266	'''Brian:''' I haven't got anything against birds! Consider the lilies!\
267	'''Arthur:''' He's having a go at the flowers now!\
268	'''Eddie:''' Oh, give the flowers a chance!\
269	'''Dennis:''' I'll give you ''one'' for it!\
270	'''Brian:''' It's ''yours!''\
271	'''Dennis:''' Two, then! ''(Brian groans in frustration)''
272	** Brian tries moving on to parables, but the crowd's impression of him just gets worse:
273	--->'''Brian:''' Look, there was this man, and he had two servants!\
274	'''Arthur:''' [[DerailedForDetails What were they called?]] What were their ''names?''\
275	'''Brian:''' I don't know! And he gave them some talents...\
276	'''Eddie:''' You don't ''know!?''\
277	'''Brian:''' Well, it doesn't matter!\
278	'''Arthur:''' He doesn't know what they were called!\
279	'''Brian:''' Oh, they were called Simon and Adrian! Now-\
280	'''Arthur:''' ''(points accusingly at Brian)'' Ooh, you said you didn't know!\
281	'''Brian:''' It really doesn't matter! Look, the point is, there were these two servants-\
282	'''Arthur:''' He's making it up as he goes along!\
283	'''Brian:''' No, I'm not! And he gave them some- now, wait a minute, was there three?[[note]] In the parable as told by Jesus in the Gospels, there ''were'' three.[[/note]]\
284	'''Eddie:''' Oh, he's ''terrible!''\
285	'''Brian:''' There were these three - well, they were stewards, really. ''(the crowd begin heckling him)''\
286	'''Elsie:''' Oh, get off!\
287	''(Brian notices a Roman patrol approaching and begins to panic)''\
288	'''Brian:''' ''(stammers)'' Now - now hear this! Blessed are they...\
289	'''Dennis:''' Three!\
290	'''Brian:''' ... who convert their neighbour's ox! For they shall inhibit their girth!\
291	'''Heckler:''' Rubbish!\
292	''(the Roman patrol have a brief exchange with the guard standing near Brian's platform, then leave)''\
293	'''Brian:''' And to them only shall be given... ''(notices the Romans leaving)'' to them only... shall be... given...\
294	'''Elsie:''' What?\
295	'''Brian:''' Hm?\
296	'''Elsie:''' Shall be given what?\
297	'''Brian:''' Oh, nothing. ''(climbs down from the platform)''
298	** And just like that, the crowd's opinion of Brian completely reverses itself. Suddenly, they surround him, eager to know what shall be given only to those who convert their neighbour's ox, while Brian is anxious to get away.
299	--->'''Blind Man:''' ''(getting swept along by the crowd following Brian)'' What won't he tell?\
300	'''Eddie:''' He won't say.\
301	'''Blind Man:''' Is it a secret?\
302	'''Brian:''' No!\
303	'''Blind Man:''' Is it?\
304	'''Arthur:''' Must be, otherwise he'd tell us.\
305	'''Eddie:''' Oh, tell us! ''(the blind man gets knocked aside)''\
306	'''Brian:''' Leave me alone!\
307	'''Youth:''' What is the secret?\
308	'''Gourd Worshipper:''' Is it the secret of eternal life?\
309	'''Arthur:''' He won't say!\
310	'''Eddie:''' Well, of course not, if I knew the secret of eternal life I wouldn't say. Why would he?\
311	'''Brian:''' Leave me alone!\
312	'''Gourd Worshipper:''' Just tell ''me'', please!\
313	'''Arthur:''' No, tell us, Master, we were here first. ''(he and Eddie try to shoo off the ever growing crowd following Brian)''\
314	'''Youth:''' Rubbish!\
315	'''Various:''' Tell us, Master!\
316	'''Dennis:''' Five!\
317	'''Brian:''' Go away! ''(he shoves the gourd buyer back and runs off)''\
318	'''Dennis:''' I can't go above five!\
319	'''Gourd Worshipper:''' Is that his gourd?\
320	'''Dennis:''' Yes, but it's under offer!\
321	'''Gourd Worshipper:''' ''(taking the gourd; awed)'' Oh! This is his gourd!\
322	'''Dennis:''' It's under offer. ''(shouting after Brian)'' Ten!\
323	'''Gourd Worshipper:''' ''(the other followers gaze on the gourd in wonder)'' It is his gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! ''(they notice Brian has vanished)'' Master?\
324	'''Youth:''' He's gone! He's been taken up!\
325	'''Followers:''' ''(shouting and pointing at the sky)'' Ooh! He's been taken up!\
326	'''Dennis:''' ''(cups his hands to his mouth and shouts at the sky)'' Eighteen!\
327	'''Arthur:''' ''(looks into distance, points)'' No, there he is. ''(we see Brian flee through a nearby city gate)''
328	* Creator/SpikeMilligan's cameo in the scene when Brian's followers are [[BreakingTheFellowship schisming]] over whether the gourd or the shoe is more holy. Milligan stands in the middle, watching them with a bemused expression, until the whole crowd realises that Brian has gone and starts to belt after him. At which point Milligan's character decides to form a sect of his own:
329	-->'''Spike''': ''[raises hands [[LargeHam dramatically]]]'' Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! ''[declaiming]'' Let us, let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed from the grain...\
330	''[He stops, realises that nobody's there, looks slightly embarrassed and walks off]''
331	* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-isGzfYUZ4 Brian and his followers:]]
332	-->'''Brian:''' I'm not the Messiah!\
333	'''Arthur:''' I say you are, Lord and I should know, I've followed a few!\
334	'''Followers:''' Hail Messiah!\
335	'''Brian:''' I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!\
336	'''Girl:''' Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.[[note]] Making this even funnier is the fact that it's [[BlatantLies Blatant Lies]] - Jesus only ever said he ''was'' the Messiah. [[/note]]\
337	'''Brian:''' What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!\
338	'''Followers:''' [[MortonsFork He is! He is the Messiah!]]\
339	'''Brian:''' Now, [[PrecisionFStrike fuck off!]]\
340	''(silence)''\
341	'''Arthur:''' How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
342	* The next morning, Brian, after having slept with Judith the previous night, opens his window while nude to see a heaving multitude seeking further guidance - just as his irate mother arrives. Further laughs follow thick and fast:
343	** Brian's mother opens his window and orders the crowd to go away, but they refuse, demanding to see the Messiah. She tells them there's a mess in there but no Messiah, closes the window, whirls on Brian, and demands an explanation. Brian lamely answers, "They think I'm the Messiah, mum."
344	** Judith trying to back up Brian (while in the nude) against his mother.
345	--->'''Judith:''' Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen! Your son is a born leader! Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen! They believe he can give them hope, hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!\
346	'''Brian's mother''': ...''Who's that?!''
347	** Brian's mother tries to get rid of the crowd again, complete with one of the most often quoted lines in the film: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zjz16xjeBAA "He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"]] After some persuasion, the multitude get Brian's mother to let them have one minute of Brian's time, during which tries his best to get them to leave him alone, to no avail. One of the funniest things about this exchange is the constant unison answers of the crowd:
348	--->'''Brian:''' Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't need to follow me! You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!\
349	'''Multitude:''' [[HypocriticalHumor Yes, we're all individuals!]]\
350	'''Brian:''' You're all different!\
351	'''Multitude:''' Yes, we're all different!\
352	'''Dissenter:''' I'm not.[[note]] Originally an ad lib. The Pythons liked it so much they kept the line in and gave the actor who improvised it a pay rise from extra to speaking role.[[/note]]\
353	'''Various crowd members:''' Shh!\
354	'''Brian:''' You've all got to work it out for yourselves!\
355	'''Multitude:''' Yes, we've got to work it out for ourselves!\
356	'''Brian:''' Exactly!\
357	'''Multitude:''' Tell us more!\
358	'''Brian:''' ''(anguished)'' No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise... ''(his mother drags him back inside)'' Ooh! No!\
359	'''Brian's Mother:''' That's enough! That's enough!\
360	'''Multitude:''' Oooh! That wasn't a minute!\
361	'''Brian's Mother:''' ''(folds arms defiantly)'' Oh, yes it was!\
362	'''Multitude:''' Oh, no it wasn't!\
363	'''Brian's Mother:''' Now stop that! Clear off!\
364	** The multitude all giving a dejected "Well... alright..." in perfect unison.
365	** Also how a random follower asks if Brian's mother is a virgin, hoping it's not a personal question, much to her irritation.
366	* When Brian is brought before Pontius Pilate a second time, we find out that Biggus Dickus ''actually exists!'' When we finally meet him, Biggus Dickus is every bit the comic highlight that a Roman centurion (who "wanks as high as any man in Wome", according to Pilate) with a name like that deserves to be.
367	-->Let me come with you, [[SpeechImpediment Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith]]![[note]] Translation: I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis.[[/note]]
368	** Which, naturally, leads to hilarity when he takes over speaking the list of names, who the Centurion had picked to avoid ''Pilate's'' ElmuhFuddSyndwome, but not a {{lisp}}. The Centurion has an OhCrap reaction when Biggus snatches the scroll and declares that he will read it.
369	** The look on the Centurion's face when he discovers that Biggus Dickus has a lisp that could stop a clock practically screams "Oh ''God'', another one."
370	** The roaring laughter after Biggus Dickus read the list of prisoners leaves both Biggus and Pontius Pilate baffled and confused. Pilate's attempts to save Biggus' reputation fails miserably.
371	--->'''Biggus Dickus:''' ''(perplexed by the crowd's hysterics)'' Wath it thomething I thaid?\
372	'''Pilate:''' Silence! This man commands a "cwack" legion!\
373	''(roaring laughter from the crowd)''\
374	'''Pilate:''' ''(indignant)'' He wanks as high as anyone in Wome!\
375	''(the crowd laughs even harder)''\
376	[...]\
377	'''Pilate:''' All wight! I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no "Weuben"s, no "Weginald"s, no "[[WesternAnimation/RudolphTheRedNosedReindeer1964 Wudolph the Wed-Nosed Weindeew]]"s...\
378	'''Biggus Dickus:''' No "[[Creator/SpencerTracy Thpenther Trathy]]"s!\
379	'''Pilate:''' Or WE WILL WELEASE NO ONE!
380	** It's somehow even funnier when the "[[FridgeBrilliance Fwidge Bwilliance]]" kicks in and you realize why Barrabas was ''really'' picked to receive clemency over Jesus.
381	* The Centurion hurries to the jail to release Brian and finds the two loony jailers, who turn out to be affecting ObfuscatingInsanity.
382	-->'''Centurion:''' Have they gone?\
383	'''Jailer 1:''' ''(beat)'' We've got lumps of it round the back.
384	* When the Romans show up at the crucifixion site with an order to release Brian of Nazareth, everyone claims to be Brian, including one man who yells, "I'm Brian and so's my wife!"
385	* Another HopeSpot for Brian quickly extinguishes itself:
386	-->'''JPF Soldier:''' We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad!\
387	''[The suicide squad draws their swords]''\
388	'''JPF Soldier:''' Suicide squad, attack!\
389	''[The entire squad [[LiteralMetaphor commits]] {{seppuku}}]''\
390	'''JPF Soldier:''' ''[dying]'' ... That showed 'em, huh?\
391	'''Brian:''' You silly sods...
392	* The introduction of Eric Idle's "Not the messiah: He's a very naughty boy" featuring [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-zxzmlvSNw Mrs. Betty]] [[Creator/MichaelPalin Palin.]]

Context Funny / MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian