History Funny / LiarLiar

* The recording of Mrs. Cole having sex. Fletcher points out [[SpitTake after spewing out a mouthful of water]] that there's nothing that proves she's not just having sex with her husband, then we quite audibly hear Mrs. Cole saying "You're such a better lover than my husband!" Fletcher gives her a pained look at that.
** Right before the tape is switched off, you can hear her consort groaning that he needs to get back to cleaning the pool.

-->"There's NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO such thing, as a weaker sex!"

--> '''Fletcher''': New in the building?\\

--> '''Judge''': How are we doing this morning, Counsel?\\

--> '''Cop''': Do you know why I pulled you over?\\

--> '''Max:''' My teacher says that [[TrueBeautyIsOnTheInside real beauty's on the inside]].
--> '''Fletcher:''' [[BrutalHonesty That's]] [[NotEvenBotheringWithAnExcuse just something]] [[CannotTellALie ugly people say.]]

--> '''Fletcher''': You brought your kids to your divorce?! \\

** It gets even better in the HilariousOuttakes
---> '''Carrey, making the pitcher he's pouring from "talk":''' For this...you will pay...a terrible price!

--> '''Kenneth''': So all we've got to do is lie, that seems simple enough. \\

--> "You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR! You slammed her! You dunked her doughnuts! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!" [Makes gobbling noises]

---> "Oh no! They're onto me!"

-->'''Fletcher''': Wait, wait wait wait! Are we sure this is a good idea?
* "There's NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO such thing, as a weaker sex!"

-->'''Fletcher:''' Simmons is old! ''(everyone laughs)'' He should have been out of the game years ago, but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one [[LadyDrunk that gets plastered]] [[AwfulWeddedLife and calls him a retard]]! And you, Tom. You're the biggest [[ProfessionalButtKisser brownnose]] I've ever seen! ''(everyone laughs)'' You've got your head so far up Mr. Allan's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins! ''You'' have bad breath caused by gingivitis. ''You'' couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime! Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! (''Points to [[ReallyGetsAround Miranda]]'') '''SLLLLLLUUT!!!'''

* Fletcher is called by a repeat offender and regular client who attempted to rob an ATM at knife point and needs his legal advice. Fletcher's advice: "'''STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOLE!!!'''"

'''Fletcher''': I'm still a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.\\

* When Greta informs Fletcher that he forgot to pick up his son from school, he says "Oh I am such a ''shit!",'' and does a pause when it sinks in that that he was able to say that remark [[HeelRealization because it wasn't a lie]].

* Fletcher is called by a repeat offender and regular client who attempted to rob an ATM at knife point and needs his legal advice. Fletcher's advice: "'''STOP BREAKING THE LAW, ASSHOOOOOLE!!!'''"

'''Fletcher''': Depends on how long you were following me!\\

'''Fletcher''': (through gritted teeth) ''No''... (glances at glove compartment) ...I have unpaid parking tickets. (pops open his glove compartment, which empties; pause) Be gentle.

"'''''JEZ-E-BEL!'''''"

''(A big SMACK is heard and Fletcher exits the elevator, holding his face in pain, and the woman pissed off)''

* "It was ''Meeee!''"

'''Fletcher''': [-[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Here goes:]]-] [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] '''''SPEEEDIING!'''''\\

'''Fletcher''': ''No''... (glances at glove compartment) ...I have unpaid parking tickets. (pops open his glove compartment, which empties; pause) Be gentle.

-->'''Fletcher''': ''(Eye rolls and shows the huge gash in his side door)'' Right theeerrre!

-->'''Fletcher''': ''(Dumbfounded)'' Why... you! You LIAR! You know what I'm going to do about this?

-->'''Fletcher''': Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it'll just drain eight hours of my life, and you probably won't show up! And if I finally got the judgment, you'd just stiff me anyway! So what I'm gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and '''TAKE IT UP THE TAIL PIPE!'''

-->'''Fletcher''': ''(Grabs his keys in a hammy fashion)''
** Even better is that, part way through his rant, the reality of the hypothetical sets in as Fletcher's expression goes from vindictive, to shocked, to defeated.

--> '''Fletcher''': Excuse me. Hi. I'm Max's bad father... [[VerbalBackspace er, I'm his father.]]

'''Cop''': Why don't we take it from the top.\\

-->'''Fletcher:''' Simmons is old! ''(everyone laughs)'' He should have been out years ago, but he can't stay home 'cause he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one [[LadyDrunk that gets plastered]] [[AwfulWeddedLife and calls him a retard]]! And you, Tom. You're the biggest [[ProfessionalButtKisser brownnose]] I've ever seen! ''(everyone laughs)'' You've got your head so far up Mr. Allan's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins! ''You'' have bad breath caused by gingivitis. ''You'' couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off and bury it in lime! Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! (''Points to [[ReallyGetsAround Miranda]]'') '''SLLLLLLUUT!!!'''

--> '''Fletcher''': You brought your kids to your divorce trial?! \\

'''Fletcher''': [[ThatWasObjectionable Because it is]] ''[[ThatWasObjectionable devastating]]'' [[ThatWasObjectionable to my case!]]\\

'''Fletcher:''' I'm kicking my ''AAAAASS''! '''D'YA MIND?!'''

-->'''Mrs. Cole''': This is Kenneth Falk, the man from the tape.\\
'''Fletcher''': Ah, how could I forget?\\
'''Falk''': How ya doin'?\\
'''Fletcher''': ''(beaming)'' I've just stepped into the seventh circle of '''Hell!'''

--> "You had sex with her every time you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR! You slammed her! You dunked her doughnut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!" [Makes gobbling noises]

** "THE COLOR OF THE PEN THAT I HOLD IN MY HAND IS RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR'''''ROYAL BLUE'''''!"

-->''Greta''': Here's your raise! ''[flips the bird, resulting in a JawDrop from Fletcher]''

'''Fletcher''': [-[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Here goes:]]-] [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] '''SPEEEDIING!!'''\\

'''Fletcher''': NOOOO!!!... ''(pops open his glove compartment, which empties)'' I have unpaid parking tickets. ''(pause)'' Be gentle.

'''Fletcher''': Here goes: [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] '''SPEEEDIING!!'''\\

'''Judge''': Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more.

* Then a cop stops him.
-->"Here goes: [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] '''SPEEEDIING!!'''”
** [[https://youtu.be/pDy41hvdq4s?t=1m7s "... be gentle."]]

* "IT WAS ME!"

-->'''Fletcher''': Wait, wait wait wait! Are we sure this is a good idea?

-->"Here goes: [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] ''Speeediiing!!'''”

-->"Here goes: [[ListOfTransgressions I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and]] ''Speeediiing!!''
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDy41hvdq4s "... be gentle."]]

'''Fletcher''': [[DistractedByTheSexy Well, that's because you have big jugs]]! I mean your boobs are huge! I mean, I want to squeeze them... [[OhCrap Mama!]]\\

--> '''Max:''' My teacher says that [[TrueBeautyIsOnTheInside real beauty's on the inside.]]
--> '''Fletcher:''' [[BrutalHonesty That's]] [[NotEvenBotheringWithAnExcuse just something]] [[CannotTellALie ugly people say]].

* The reason the judge isn't declaring contempt of court in all this? [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Sheer morbid]] [[PassThePopcorn curiosity]].

** The YouHaveGOTToBeKiddingMe look on Max's face is icing on the cake.

'''Fletcher''': [[DistractedByTheSexy That's because you have big jugs]]! I mean your boobs are huge! I mean, I want to squeeze them... [[OhCrap Mama!]]\\

'''Fletcher''': [[ThatWasObjecionable Because it is]] ''[[ThatWasObjectionable devastating]]'' [[ThatWasObjectionable to my case!]]\\