History Funny / LANoire

** Quite a lot of the pedestrian chatter is funny.

"I was married by a judge. Should've asked for a jury."

** At a loss, Cole [[{{Adorkable}} awkwardly toasts]] his colleagues with a phantom drink.

* At the start of the Traffic arc, Captain Leary introduces Cole to the other traffic detectives, telling him to take a bow. Cole says he'd prefer to sit, before Leary ''orders'' him to bow. Cole then stands and [[{{Adorkable}} nervously bows]]. Hilariously accompanied by SarcasticClapping and FlatJoy.

* Captain Donnelly making off with a case of Cognac at the end of one of the homicide cases.

"I swear, this town is going straight to Hell!"\\

"You know why Santa Claus is so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live."

-->'''Phelps:''' ''[realizes what he had said]''[[{{Understatement}} Looks like I made a mistake.]]

-->'''Phelps:''' [[{{Understatement}} I may have made a mistake.]]

* Cunningham of Gulliver's Travel Agency reacts when he GotVolunteered to donate $50 to a family whose house burned down.
-->'''Biggs:''' Good man, Cunningham! You're alright!\\
'''Cunningham:''' ''(defeated)'' Sure! Poorer, but alright!

Fuck you, and fuck you.

You'll never put a charge on me.

-->'''Merlon:''' Fuck you, and fuck you, You'll never put a charge on me.
--> ''[cut to Merlon being hauled away by the cops]''

-->'''Earle''': What's with that getup of yours anyway? "Hi, I'm Detective Roy Earle, and this is my science teacher Mr. Phelps."
* One patrol case involves Cole chasing a man across a rooftop. As the man turns a corner behind a wall, Cole follows...only to be clotheslined by the man.
** Note that this happens to him [[RunningGag multiple times.]]

--> ''First photograph is of Phelps squinting after accidentally taking his own picture.''

* The Drunk outside the bar in "The Driver's Seat." "Hey, I know you!" "No you don't."

* During The White Shoe Slaying, when Cole says to suspect Richard Bates "Do you want my partner to SAP YOU?" while Galloway menaces Bates with a small stubby police baton in a almost comical manner.

-->'''Bekowsky''': What about me, June? I'm a big fan of Beast...\\
'''June Ballard''': No. You I don't like. Stay out of this.

--> '''Cole''': What were you doing with the corpse?
--> '''Jamison''': You're gonna be upset if I tell you...
--> '''Cole''': Try me, Ferdinand.
--> '''Jamison''': Well... I was kissing her.
--> '''Rusty''': ''[with no build up animation, no forewarning, immediately decks him]''

** "Oh no...oh no, no, no! You did not just do that..."[[note]]Earle has a [[{{Beat}} long pause]] after his last "no".[[/note]]

-->'''Rusty''': You shoulda gone around the other way. We would've caught up to it by now.
-->'''Cole''': How could I have known that then?
-->'''Rusty''': You gotta use your gut for these things. Your gut is clearly lacking.
-->'''Cole''': And your gut lacks for nothing, Rusty. Though lately it's been requesting beer.
-->'''Rusty''': Beer and convictions, Phelps. Beer and convictions.

--->'''Phelps:''' I'd like to think you would have had something more to say about [[StuffedIntoTheFridge [[StuffedIntoTheFridge getting shoved in a fridge]], Herschel.

[[caption-width-right:309:Cole Phelps: War hero. Detective. '''''[[{{AlasPoorYorick}} Shakespearean]] [[ArsonMurderandJaywalking actor?!?]]]]'''''

-->'''Phelps:''' [[Understatement I may have made a mistake.]]

-->'''Phelps''': [[UnderStatement I may have made a mistake.]]

* The Vice department roadside mission "Camera Obscura", where Phelps and Earle are called to an elderly woman,
-->'''Old Woman''': That lowlife! That filthy lowlife!
-->'''Phelps''': What happened?
-->'''Old Woman''': I was standing ready to get off and... I heard a click. His camera. That pervert took a picture of my...
-->'''Earle''': ''*coughs uneasily*''
-->'''Old Woman''': ... of my ... ''*blows cheeks for emphasis*''
-->'''Phelps''': Which way did he go?
---> ''*cue cut to women shrieking across the street.*''
-->'''Old Woman''': There! That's him! Right there!
---> ''*A woman is seen who is chased around in circles by everyone's favourite next-door perv, [[spoiler:[[BrickJoke Marlon Hopgood]]]], bearing a standard 1940s 8-kilo camera. As he loses her he catches a glimpse of Phelps and Earle*''
--> '''[[spoiler:Hopgood]]''': Aaaw, fuck!
---> ''*He runs to his convertible, nonchalantly tosses the monstrous camera on the back seat, and stumbles into the driver's seat without opening a door*''.
** And the whole mess is made even funnier when the fact is considered that [[spoiler:Hopgood]], a photographer [[spoiler: and illegal porn producer]] as we learned in ''The Fallen Idol'', is a police informer and originally deemed harmless by Earle ([[spoiler:whom he knows personally]]). The same Earle who has to track him down with Phelps as he escapes.
* Or the Vice side mission ''The Badger Game'', where Phelps, Earle and a cop are called by a young black man, who sends them after some supposed criminals who apparently robbed him. As they distance themselves into the pointed direction, the "victim" just gives them a double-wide grin and skip-hops to the cop's car, which he promptly steals.
-->'''Cop Car Thief''': Fleeced ya, sucker!
-->'''Earle''': [[CaptainObvious That sonofabitch is]] [[{{Narm}} TAKING THE CAR!]]

* During the last Homicide case, Cole is about to [[spoiler:head into a tar pit, to find a clue left on an island by the Black Dahlia killer.]] To do so, he changes into a pair of waders, which warrants much derision from Rusty. They really do look quite ridiculous on Cole.

** As written, it seems like Phelps is {{foreshadowing}}, saying, "If you only knew..." but Aaron Staton's performance comes across as, "[[HoYay but I'd so prefer crawling into bed with]] ''[[HoYay you]]''."

** Made even better because this marks the ''only'' time Carruthers actually drops his [[TheStoic stoic]] and [[ConsummateProfessional professional]] demeanor enough to crack the hint of a smile.
*** Not the only time. There's also this exchange in "Nicholson Electroplating"

--> '''Phelps:''' Very funny.

--> What can I say about Lenny? Let me think...oh yeah, he's a [[YiddishAsASecondLanguage putz]]. And he's lazy, and he's greedy, but he's my wife's brother. How can you make a cake with those ingredients, huh?

** [[spoiler: The same drunk appears at Cole's funeral, so either ''he did know him after all'', or the exchange just made a strong impression on him...]]
** It's also rather strange, because the same man is the owner of an Army Surplus store that gets robbed in a Traffic street crime...and he gets shot by the robbers. Unless he got better, of course.

-->'''Bekowsky''': So you won the Silver Star?
-->'''Cole''': I don't want to talk about it.
-->'''Bekowsky''': Let me get this straight - [[TestosteronePoisoning you single-handedly killed forty Japs on this hill in Okinawa...]]
-->'''Cole''': No.
-->'''Bekowsky''': You were up there all night, [[{{Eagleland}} draped in the flag]], knife between your teeth, gun at the ready...
-->'''Cole''': You finished?
-->'''Bekowsky''': The Emperor Hirohito himself leading the charge against you...

** <clearly exasperated> "Watch out for the ''civilians''!!"

** "Thank God we're not in my car..." (said by Earle [[DevelopersForesight if you're not driving his car]])

** "Oh no...oh no, no, no! You did not just do that..." (Earle has a long pause after his last "no")

** "Breathe, Phelps! Breathe dammit!"

** If you choose a delivery truck, fire truck, ambulance: "Fine, but if the Skipper sees us driving around in this, we're dead." or "You've gotta be kidding me. We're driving this?!"
** "I wouldn't feel safe in a tank with you driving!"

* Cole will occasionally talk back to them, increasing the hilarity:
** "Maybe I'd drive better if you'd shut the hell up!"
** "And at the next junction, you shut your trap!"
** "If you want instructions on how to wipe your ass, you let me know."
** "Left, and left, and left, then left again, and I'm ''right up your ass!''"
* Cole also has comments for when you successfully ditch your partner and continue the path of destruction:
** "Are you stupid?"
** "Sweet Jesus!"
** "Just a scratch."
** "You've got to be kidding me!"
** "These people!"
** "Careful..."
** "Son of a ''bitch!''"
** "SHIT!"
* Or when you drive recklessly while tailing someone, your partner has a few things to say:
** "Now would be a ''bad'' time to forget how to drive, Cole!"
** "Only half the neighborhood saw ''that''!"
* The reactions of citizens to bad driving are also pretty funny.
** "Who are you, [[Film/TheThreeStooges the Fourth Stooge?]]
** [[DisproportionateRetribution "I hope you get the death penalty!"]]
** ''[[BilingualBonus "Idiota!"]]''
** "Are you drunk, Mister, or just cracked?"
** "I hope you have insurance!"
** "You come back here and apologize!"
* When [[spoiler: playing the game as Kelso]], his response to any reckless driving the player might do, up to and including hitting someone by driving in the wrong lane? Blame it on the other car.

-->'''Cole''': You [[spoiler: fuck young boys]], Valdez?
-->'''Valdez''': '''ARE YOU A [[CastingGag MAD]][[Series/MadMen MAN?!]]''' This will cause an ''INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT!''

-->'''Connelly''': [[TranquilFury You disappoint me, Cole Phelps.]] (beat) [[SuddenlyShouting GET BACK IN THERE AND RAISE SOME LUMPS, BOY! I NEED A CONFESSION!]]"

-->'''Cole''': Let's change the subject. Are you fasting for Yom Kippur, Mr. Kalou?
-->'''Kalou''': Yeah, let's change the subject YOU GOY MOTHERFUCKER - how about baseball?!

-->'''Kelso (to Phelps)''': You're trying to make a name for yourself with this shit-heel? Look at this chump, with his 200 dollar suit and his 2,000 dollar car!
* After the massive explosion in Nicholson Electroplating Ray Pinker assures Biggs and Phelps of their safety in the most morbid way possible:
-->'''Pinker''': It wasn't nuclear. If it was we'd all be dead from the radiation.
-->'''Biggs''': That's reassuring. What's radiation?
** In fact this case is filled with gallows humor, possibly as a coping mechanism for the horrors they're facing such as when a dead man falls out of a fridge Herschel ponders:
--->'''Biggs''': Do you think I could fit in there? I couldn't fit in there.
--->'''Phelps''': I'd like to think you would have had something more to say about getting shoved in a fridge, Herschel.

-->'''Roy''': Fifty bucks? Do they think I'm made of money?
-->'''Cole''': No, you just look like you're made of money.
-->'''Roy''': Oh, very good. The kid's on form. I'd say on a scale of dull to scintillating, you're a solid tedious today, which you can be pleased with.

--->'''Cole''': Some career advice, Jean: get out of crime. Marry someone boring who has money and will find you captivating.
--->'''Jean''': Is this guy for real?
--->'''Stefan''': He takes a little getting used to. But yeah, he means what he says!

--->'''Cole''': *from behind the wall* Cole Phelps, LAPD. All of you are coming downtown with me.

---> '''Richard Coombs''': Well, some people would say that my cars are a [[IncrediblyLamePun steal]]. *{{Beat}}* That's a joke, son.
*** And then,
---> '''Coombs''': It's in my office. Walk this way... *walks in front like a drunken clown* That's a joke too, son.
---> '''Stefan''': [''to Phelps; beat''] Phelps, do you mind if I shoot this guy? He's getting on my nerves.

---> '''Stefan''': [''after another "pun" from Coombs; whiningly''] Let me shoot this guy... please?

--> '''Roy Earle''': "I hate seeing how things are made. It's like when I went to the slaughterhouse and couldn't eat steak for a week."

* The first case in the Vice desk has Roy and Phelps pinning Merlon as the guy who has been supplying morphine to the drug sellers. He doesn't take it lightly, but the way it just cuts to the next scene of Merlon being hauled away just makes the whole thing hilarious.
-->'''Merlon:''' Fuck you, and fuck you, You'll never put a charge on me. *Cue a GilliganCut of Merlon being hauled away by the cops.*

** "Who are you, [[TheThreeStooges the Fourth Stooge?]]

** "Who are you, [[film/TheThreeStooges the Fourth Stooge?]]

** "Who are you, [[Creator/TheThreeStooges the Fourth Stooge?]]

** At the end of the chase, Phelps states "Now wasn't that dumb thing to do?"

* There's an idle car chatter moment during Phelp's time in Homicide that ends with Rusty shrugging off any idea of emotional intimacy between partners:

* When Donnelly pours himself and Rusty drink for the successful conclusion of a case, leaving Cole without one.

-->'''Bekowsky''': Let me get this straight - [[TestosteronePoisoning you singlehandedly killed forty Japs on this hill in Okinawa...]]

** Then there is the scene if Cole decides to open the can with a Jack In the Box. Roy calls him out on being scared, despite himself be clearly scared by it.

---> '''Richard Coombs''': Well, some people would say that my cars are [[IncrediblyLamePun steal]]. *{{Beat}}* That's a joke, son.

---> '''Coombs''': It's in my office walk this way. *walks in front like a drunken clown* That's a joke too, son.

*** He then goes on to compare the statement "Car Salesmen are assholes" to a Chicken-and-egg situation. Phelps proceeds to thoroughly discuss the guy's behavior.

* Roy complaing about how they have to tour the factory during Reefer Madness.

-->'''Gordon Leary''':That's the bit you're gonna' love. Right across the street.

--> '''Carruthers:''' Did the same trick to me an hour ago.//
*** Made even funnier in a FunnyBackgroundEvent, where Carruthers immediately hides behind a counter when he walks in. Along with Pinker's gleeful grin, the gamer that notices this knows this won't end well.

--> '''Carruthers:''' Did the same trick to me an hour ago.

*** Made even funnier in a FunnyBackgroundEvent, where Carruthers immediately hides behind a counter when he walks in. The gamer that notices this knows this won't end well.

* The less than stellar controls for driving can lead into some gut busting moments for the player.* If you ditch your partner and manage to get far enough away, they'll need to hitch a ride from other cops to catch up with you.

[[caption-width-right:309:Cole Phelps: War hero. Detective. [[{{AlasPoorYorick}} Shakespearean actor!?]]]]