History Funny / JessicaJones2015

--->'''Jessica:''' I was just leaving. You didn't kick me out, I just left.

'''Albert Thompson:''' '"Get off the stage, arsehole!"\\

* Jessica sends Malcolm to their landlord's apartment to settle the dispute with Oscar. Unfortunately, Jessica never told Malcolm in advance that the landlord is gay, resulting in:

'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' For Jessica Jones, yes. And...Mr. Orocho, he's trying to evict her. Now I've heard that you're a very reasonable man-\\

'''Eugene:''' Miss Jones didn't say I was reasonable. She said I was "an entitled prick of a slumlord," that's a quote.\\

* The title comes from Trish's attempt at becoming a pop singer: the world premier of her [[StylisticSuck a terrible, heavily auto-tuned debut single]] with [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hn85XmyMf8 an equally terrible music video]] to accompany it. [[DamnedByFaintPraise The one good thing]] Jessica has to say about it is "took the ''It's Patsy'' theme outta my head, so there's that."

* Luke refers to [[Characters/MCUAvengersAndAllies The Avengers]] as "[[Characters/MCUTheHulk the big green dude]] and his crew." Just imagining how Tony Stark in particular would react to that is worth a few laughs.

* A guy in a bar compliments Jessica's butt. The scene cuts to them having anal sex in a bathroom stall. And then Jessica stops and kicks the guy out for saying "freak."

* Luke refers to Film/{{The Avengers|2012}} as "[[Film/TheIncredibleHulk2008 the big green dude]] and his crew." Just imagining how Tony Stark in particular would react to that is worth a few laughs.
** In the next episode Jessica refers to the "green dude and the flagwaver". Steve's reaction to that would be even more funny.

** Extra points for the HypocriticalHumor of a [[NotQuiteFlight Semi-]]FlyingBrick who's hunting [[MindControl Kilgrave]] treating laser eyes [[ArbitrarySkepticism like the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard.]] Or just making fun of the guy since he was willing to believe she had another random power too just because she was super strong. This also becomes a case of HilarousInHindsight due to the later reveal that there already is a [[Film/{{Eternals}} hero with laser eyes]] in the MCU.

** Extra points for the HypocriticalHumor of a [[NotQuiteFlight Semi-]]FlyingBrick who's hunting [[MindControl Kilgrave]] treating laser eyes [[ArbitrarySkepticism like the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard.]] Or just making fun of the guy since he was willing to believe she had another random power too just because she was super strong. This becomes more hilarious due to the later reveal that there already is a [[Film/{{Eternals}} hero with laser eyes]] in the MCU.

** Extra points for the HypocriticalHumor of a [[NotQuiteFlight Semi-]]FlyingBrick who's hunting [[MindControl Kilgrave]] treating laser eyes [[ArbitrarySkepticism like the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard.]] Or just making fun of the guy since he was willing to believe she had another random power too just because she was super strong. This becomes more hilarious due to the later reveal that there already is a [[Film/Eternals hero with laser eyes]] in the MCU.

** Extra points for the HypocriticalHumor of a [[NotQuiteFlight Semi-]]FlyingBrick who's hunting [[MindControl Kilgrave]] treating laser eyes [[ArbitrarySkepticism like the most ridiculous thing they've ever heard.]] Or just making fun of the guy since he was willing to believe she had another random power too just because she was super strong.

'''Jessica:''' Yep. ''[sees Jeri]'' Got anything for me?\\

-->'''Jessica Jones:''' "Laser eyes." Moron.

** The woman also randomly [[KickTheDog insults people with mental issues.
-->'''Audrey:''' "Gifted". Stupid word. It's like calling someone "special". They're not special, they're retarded. You're not gifted, you're a freak.\\

-->'''Trish Walker:''' You could use your abilities for something more useful. I mean, you can fly... well, jump.\\

* Jessica shows up to talk to Trish about what she's learned on Malcolm's meetings with Kilgrave, only to discover that she interrupted Trish in the midst of receiving oral sex from Simpson.
-->'''Trish Walker:''' He's a war hero.
-->'''Jessica Jones:''' Who's also the guy who was filled with remorse about attacking you, until he decided to turn it into a booty call.
-->'''Will Simpson:''' That is not what happened.
-->'''Trish Walker:''' And that is not your business, Jess!

* [[ShowWithinAShow "IT'S PATSYYYYYYY / IT'S PATSYYYYYYY / I REALLY WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND / HOPE THIS DAY WILL NEVER END."]]'' Cut to Trish whining about having to visit her sister's sickbed for a "photo-op".

* Malcolm meets Trish at the Greenpoint Stages where she's about to grease the wheels with Max Tatum. She gives him her gym card and tells him to pose as her production assistant, which is basically what Malcolm does for Jessica, just on a movie set.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' You mean "[[BeleagueredAssistant getting yelled at and ignored]]"?\\

-->'''Jessica:''' Gotta say your standards ''really'' took a nosedive.

* Luke refers to Film/{{The Avengers|2012}} as "[[Film/TheIncredibleHulk the big green dude]] and his crew." Just imagining how Tony Stark in particular would react to that is worth a few laughs.

'''Kilgrave:''' I've got a better idea: [[HeadDesk let's see how long it takes you to put your head through that post]]. Go on. ''[Kilgrave leaves while Harvey starts bashing his head against a solid wooden column]''

-->'''Man:''' May I help you?
-->'''Kilgrave:''' I like your home. Nicest on the block.
-->'''Man:''' Thanks.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' And the neighborhood, the big trees, grass, birds. Wish I'd grown up somewhere excessively normal like this.
-->'''Man:''' I'm sorry, what is it you want?
-->'''Kilgrave:''' Yes, I've always been bad at small talk. I'm used to just saying things and they happen. It spoils you.
-->'''Man:''' Well, what a burden.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' You have no idea.
-->'''Man:''' Well, I need to go. ''[The man begins to close the door. Kilgrave sticks his foot in it just before it closes]''
-->'''Kilgrave:''' I'd like to buy your house.
-->'''Man:''' It's not for sale.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' I've done some research. I believe it's worth just over $600,000.
-->'''Man:''' Like I said, it's not for sale. Now, move your foot.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' ''[looks him in the eye]'' You are going...''[He takes a deep breath, catching himself before he can mind control the man]''...I wanna show you something. ''[Kilgrave walks over to where he left the bag of money and opens it]'' This is $1.26 million. I'd like to give this to you in exchange for your beautiful home.
-->'''Man:''' You can't be serious.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' I am.
-->'''Man:''' But you could buy two houses with this much money.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' I know. Exciting, isn't it?
-->'''Man:''' I mean, is this even legal?
-->'''Kilgrave:''' Completely. I've had a real estate agreement drawn up. ''[Kilgrave hands the man the papers. He looks them over]''
-->'''Man:''' I'd have to show this to a lawyer.
-->'''Kilgrave:''' Mmm, feel free, I want everything above-board and binding. Avoid seller's remorse. There is one condition. You have to have moved out of here by the end of day tomorrow...[[BaitAndSwitch if you choose to sign]].

-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' You mean "getting yelled at and ignored"?\\

-->'''Eugene:''' Can I help you?
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' I hope so, sir. I live in your building on West 46th.
-->'''Eugene:''' Oh, well if there's an issue, I prefer you settle it with the super.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' Unfortunately the super ''is'' the issue. I work at Alias Investigations.
-->'''Eugene:''' Wait, ''you'' work for ''her?''
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' For Jessica Jones, yes. And...Mr. Orocho, he's trying to evict her. Now I've heard that you're a very reasonable man-
-->'''Eugene:''' ''[scoffs]'' Who said that I was reasonable?
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' Well, you have a stellar reputation, sir, in the building.
-->'''Eugene:''' Miss Jones didn't say I was reasonable. She said I was "an entitled prick of a slumlord," that's a quote.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' Well I'm sure she didn't mean that. 'Cause obviously, you're--you're very nice...
-->'''Eugene:''' ''[laughs]'' Oh my...she sent you here, right? Aw, that's very clever. Y'know, she's completely devoid of charm, while you--you are not.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' ''[stammering]'' Look, I'm just here...to discuss the situation.
-->'''Eugene:''' Well my discussing days are over, I'm off the market.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' No dude, you don't understand-
-->'''Eugene:''' No, ''you'' don't understand. ''[motions to the picture in his foyer]'' See that is my boyfriend Kio. He's finally moving here from Cambodia next week. I'm sorry she wasted your time...

-->'''Max Tatum:''' ''You!'' You did this!
-->'''Trish Walker:''' I gave you a deadline. You missed it.
-->'''Max Tatum:''' So you got my star to walk off the set?!
-->'''Trish Walker:''' I just played her a little video, Max!
-->'''Max Tatum:''' You're gonna cost us thousands of dollars!
-->'''Trish Walker:''' Good.
-->'''Jessica Jones:''' ''[steps over]'' Hey Max. I've heard a lot about you. All of it nauseating.
-->'''Max Tatum:''' Who's this?
-->'''Jessica Jones:''' ''[motions to the bandage on Max's nose]'' Looks like your face got in the way of someone's fist. Want a replay?
-->'''Max Tatum:''' Who is she, supposed to scare me? Like your thuggy boyfriend?
-->'''Jessica Jones:''' ''[to Trish]'' Is he talking about Malcolm?
-->'''Trish Walker:''' Must've been.

* How does Jessica reveal Trish' newfound powers to Dorothy? By throwing Trish off her window to show that she can land on her feet.

* RealityEnsues big time during Trish's initial forays into becoming Hellcat:

* Malcolm rousts a very hungover Jessica for a morning of client appointments. Cue a TerribleIntervieweesMontage as Jessica chugs Red Bull after Red Bull and listens to clients, including a woman who firmly believes that [[TheReptilians lizards in skin suits are taking over the government]], a whistle blower, and [[ChekhovsGunman a fat guy in a yellow suit who claims to be a speedster]] and calls himself [[MythologyGag The Whizzer]].

* The introduction: Jessica is shown slamming a difficult client [[YourCheatingHeart who found out his wife is sleeping with his brother]] through her door.

* While Wendy is stitching up Kilgrave's stab wound, they vent about their [[YourCheatingHeart relationship]] [[VillainousCrush problems]].

-->'''Kilgrave:''' Completely. I've had a real estate agreement drawn up. ''[Kilgrave hands the man the papers. He looks them over.

'''Jessica Jones:''' It doesn't take a genius to know that you can't afford that suit on mid-management salary.\\

* A creepy fan tries hitting on Trish when he recognizes her. Jessica challenges him to the "Strength Tester" game with a deal that if she wins, he must apologize to Trish, and if he wins, she'll meet his bald-headed bishop. [[NoSell Jessica manages to score 999 points while the creepy fan only gets a score in the 500s range]]. After the man apologizes:

* The whole exchange as Jessica shows up to talk to Trish about what she's learned on Malcolm's meetings with Kilgrave, only to discover that she interrupted Trish in the midst of a morning tryst with Simpson.
-->'''Trish Walker:''' ''[to Simpson]'' Hey last night was fun, but that doesn't mean I need your opinion.
* Jessica and Simpson discussing what to do if the other gets controlled by Kilgrave:
-->'''Jessica:''' If Kilgrave gets me--\\
'''Simpson:''' I'll take you out.\\
'''Jessica:''' I was gonna say, "Dart gun me." But sure, shoot me in the head.
* The plan almost is aborted because of a kid popping a balloon, causing Kilgrave to look in Simpson's direction. Jessica tries to get Simpson to abort because Kilgrave almost certainly is looking directly at him, but Simpson refuses to back off. So Jessica gets Kilgrave to turn his attention away from Simpson by shouting, "HEY SHITHEAD! OVER HERE!" And it works.

'''Harvey:''' You might want to work on that poker face.\\

* The job that Jeri hires Jessica for is to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvMOm7IKSd4 serve a summons]] for a club owner who is protected by bodyguards that make him difficult to serve. [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere When he doesn't cooperate]], she lifts up the back of his car, then repeatedly slams his car door shut every time he opens it. Then she threatens to [[DeadpanSnarker melt him with her laser eyes.]]

-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' Well I'm sure she didn't mean that. 'Cause obviously, you're very nice...
-->'''Eugene:''' ''[laughs]'' Oh my...she sent you here, right? Aw, that's very clever. Y'know, she's completely devoid of charm while you--you are not.
-->'''Malcolm Ducasse:''' ''[stammering]'' Look I'm just here...to discuss the situation here.

'''Jessica Jones:''' ''[typing]'' "Dear TMZ, Patsy and Griffin are on the outs. [=#HotTip=]"\\

'''Kilgrave:''' Oh! I guess that makes me the winner! ''[shows his cards: a seven of clubs and a red two of hearts]'' And me with a deuce and a seven! ''[waves over one of the attendants]'' Will you pack this money for me? You'll be dining out on this story for years: the night you lost a million dollars to the worst hand you had ever seen.[[note]]In Texas Hold 'Em, an off-suit two and seven is literally the worst hand possible.[[/note]] ''[laughs and gets up]''\\

* Jessica sends Malcolm to their landlord's apartment to settle the dispute with Oscar. Unfortunately, Jessica never told Malcolm in advance that the landlord is gay, resulting in the landlord thinking Malcolm is trying to come onto him, much to Malcolm's confusion.

* Jessica and Trish pay a visit to a wig shop that supplied Trish with wigs when she was a kid.

* Luke Cage explains to Jessica how he encountered Kilgrave. In flashback, he confronts Kilgrave just as Kilgrave is about to get into a car, having just left Jessica with Hope and the other hostages. Kilgrave immediately has this exasperated look of, "Great, ''another'' person has turned up who wants me dead."

'''Luke Cage:''' Luke Cage.\\

'''Luke Cage:''' To kill you.\\

'''Luke Cage:''' No. I followed her here. I thought she might lead me to you.\\

'''Luke Cage:''' [[BluntYes Yes.]]\\

'''Luke Cage:''' No. There's... something between us.\\

'''Luke Cage:''' Yes. Then she told me ''everything''.\\

'''Luke Cage:''' [[SincerityMode No. You screwed that up yourself.]]\\

-->'''Kilgrave:''' [[Film/StarWars We can go about our business. Move along.]]\\

-->'''Jessica Jones:''' You, GIJoe. You definitely have a screw loose. Guessing you left the military because you burned down a small village.\\