History Funny / BloodRites

* This ''amazing'' BrickJoke about Murphy and her motorcycle.
-->'''Harry:''' It's not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. They're basically huge vibrators. With wheels.
** Later, after Harry and Murphy survive jousting with a limo on her bike, Murphy is laughing hysterically.
-->'''Harry:''' What? Why are you laughing?\\
'''Murphy:''' I think you were right about the vibrator thing.

* When Harry, Murphy, and Kincaid are sitting down at breakfast to discuss the hit on Mavra's safehouse, Murphy reaches for her chair, and Kincaid stands up politely, like a proper gentleman. After she glares at him for the unwanted chivalry, he sits down, and she reaches for the chair again. Then Harry gets up. She rolls her eyes at him and says that "It's not chivalry if you're just doing it to be a wiseass." A small scene, but hilarious.
* "Ah, yes, the [[http://www.wikia.com/wiki/c:muppet:Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine - especially since Kincaid ''immediately'' understands and reacts appropriately.

* After Thomas [[spoiler:tells Harry they're half-brothers and he refuses to believe him]], he and Harry get into a minor fight and the former gets the latter in an armlock and Harry responds by sinking his teeth into the offending arm. That's the point where you stop reading for a second to appreciate the fact that yes, Harry Dresden [[StealthPun did]] [[VisualPun just]] ''[[{{Irony}} bite a vampire]]''.

* "Ah, yes, the [[http://www.wikia.com/wiki/c:muppet:Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when [[spoiler:Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine - especially since Kincaid ''immediately'' understands and reacts appropriately.]]

* This novel provides quite possibly ''the'' best opening line in the history of literature: "[[RunningGag The building]] [[DestructiveSavior was on fire,]] [[ImplausibleDeniability and it]] [[BlatantLies wasn't my fault.]]"

'''Lara''': ''[casually shoots him in the ear]''

* The entropy curse itself -- a very nasty spell that alters probability to cause fatal accidents -- is usually pretty hilarious since it can cause deaths sillier than what you'd see in ''Film/FinalDestination''. Easily one of the best moments in the entire '''franchise''' is when in the middle of a melee, Harry channels the curse away from its intended target and toward a vampire that's currently attacking his side. A moment later, the targeted vamp is crushed. By a twenty-pound frozen turkey falling from the sky. The drumstick tips wrapped in red tinfoil. ''And then the timer dings.''

[[OhCrap Bob's voice gained a hurried, stammering edge.]] "And while I know that wasn't exactly the mission you sent me out on, you have to admit that it was really quite a noble purpose that totally supported your quest to preserve life."\\

* When Harry, Murphy, and Kincaid are sitting down at breakfast to discuss the hit on Mavra's safehouse, Murphy reaches for her chair, and Kincaid stands up politely, like a proper gentleman. After she glares at him for the unwanted chivalry, he sits down, and she reaches for the chair again. Then Harry gets up. She glares at him, and says that "It's not chivalry if you're doing it to be a wiseass." A small scene, but hilarious.

* When Ebenezar arrives, he remarks that Harry seems to have gotten sloppy in his Morse code, as he tapped out "Blampires" instead of "vampires." Harry then says he did that on purpose, as a portmanteau for Black Court Vampires. Ebenezar can only grumble.
* Murphy's reaction to Harry calling Ebenezar 'Sir.'
** To elaborate, this is the same Harry Dresden who snarks off to everything he sees as a matter of course, who once justified being a wise-ass to a PhysicalGod by the fact that he'd snarked at every other supernatural power he's encountered. You can almost hear Murphy thinking, "Who the ''hell'' is this guy that can make ''Harry'' behave?" and from then and on she treats Ebenezar as if he's on the same level as the Pope.

--->'''Ebenezar:''' No idea. Mostly I just turn it loose to hunt down dinner for itself.
* Harry looking over Kincaid's vampire-slaying arsenal.

* Harry's completely irrelevant question right before they all go up against the Black Court.

* Harry discovers that despite being found in ''extremely'' suspicious circumstances he doesn't need to worry about the police...because the person trying to frame him is so stupid and self-absorbed that she can't remember Harry's name, and tells the police that he was using the alias "Barry" or "Larry".
* [[invoked]] With two injured people (one with a gunshot wound) and a dead body on the scene, Lara wants to cover up the situation and [[LawfulGood Murphy]] wants to call the police despite the time crunch, looking to Harry to break the tie.
-->'''Harry''': Hey, telling the truth keeps getting me put in jail. And the last time I tried to engineer a cover-up, [[ItMakesSenseInContext I wound up cleverly running off with the murder weapon and covering it with my prints before handing it over to someone who thought I was a murderer at the time.]] So don't look at me.
* [[ActionGirl Murphy]] commenting that she's feeling repressed, stuck fulfilling the DamselInDistress stereotype. [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu Then she calls Raith a little prick.]]

-->'''Harry''': Took you long enough. I was going to run out of actual sentences and just start screaming incoherently.\\
'''Murphy''': [[VitriolicBestBuds That's what happens when your vocabulary count is lower than your bowling average.]]\\
'''Harry''': [[IResembleThatRemark Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you.]]

* The entropy curse. In the middle of a melee, Harry channels the curse-- a very nasty spell that alters probability to cause fatal accidents-- away from its intended target and toward a vampire that's currently attacking his side. A moment later, the vamp is crushed. By a twenty-pound frozen turkey falling from the sky. The drumstick tips wrapped in red tinfoil. ''And then the timer dings.''
-->Everyone stopped to blink at ''that'' for a second. I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, that ain't something you see twice.\\
"For my next trick," I panted into the startled silence, "anvils."
* Harry sends Bob out for recon. Bob, being [[LovableSexManiac Bob]], spends all of his time scouting out strip clubs. The exchange that follows is one of Butcher's best gems:
-->[[TranquilFury I narrowed my eyes and took deep breaths. It didn't really stop my anger from rising but it made it happen a little more smoothly.]]

-->[[OhCrap "A- and you will be glad to know that every exotic dancer in Chicago is alive and well. Safeguarded by your friendly neighborhood air spirit," Bob said.]] "Um. Say, Harry, that is quite the [[DeathGlare homicidal gleam]] in your eye."

-->I took off my coat and looked around the lab until I located my clawhammer. I picked it up.

-->[[OhCrap Bob's voice gained a hurried, stammering edge.]] "And while I know that wasn't exactly the mission you sent me out on, you have to admit that it was really quite a noble purpose that totally supported your quest to preserve life."

-->I took a practice swing with the hammer. I took my duster off, folded it, laid it over the table, and tried again. Much better. I fixed a murderous gaze on the skull on the shelf.

-->"Gee, uh, Harry," Bob said. "I was just doing the [[FreudianSlip breast]] job I co-[[VerbalBackspace best, best!]] The best job I could!"

-->"Bob," I said, in a [[DissonantSerenity very reasonable tone of voice,]] "I don't need to know about strippers. I need to know about Mavra."

-->"Well. Yes, of course, boss. Um, so I noticed that you're holding that hammer. And that your knuckles are turning kind of white there. And that you look sort of tense."

-->"Don't worry," I said. [[ImpliedDeathThreat "I'm going to feel a lot better in a minute."]]

-->"Ha," Bob said in a nervous false laugh. "Ha-ha. Ha. That's funny, Harry."

-->I raised the hammer. "Bob," I said, "get your ethereal ass out of that skull. And back into Mister. And you get out on the street and find Mavra before high noon or [[SuddenlyShouting I'm going to smash your skull into freaking powder!"]]

-->"But I'm tired and it's raining and I don't know if-"

-->I raised the hammer and took a step forward.

-->"Ack!" Bob choked. The cloud of orange lights spilled out of the skull in a hurried rush and zipped back up the stairs.
* Although it happened off screen, one of the first thing the curse does is cause someone to get hit by a car. While she was water skiing. Another one opened the trunk of a car to get some golf clubs, and ''twenty thousand bees'' flew out to sting her.

* "Ah, yes, the [[http://www.wikia.com/wiki/c:muppet:Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when [[spoiler:Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine - especially since Kincaid ''immediately'' understands and reacts appropriately.]]
* Harry looking over Kincaid's vampire-slaying arsenal.
-->"My dick is bigger than your dick," I said.
* With two injured people (one with a gunshot wound) and a dead body on the scene, Lara wants to cover up the situation and [[LawfulGood Murphy]] wants to call the police despite the time crunch, looking to Harry to break the tie.
-->'''Harry''': Hey, telling the truth keeps getting me put in jail. And the last time I tried to engineer a cover-up, [[ItMakesSenseInContext I wound up cleverly running off with the murder weapon and covering it with my prints before handing it over to someone who thought I was a murderer at the time.]] So don't look at me.
* [[ActionGirl Murphy]] commenting that she's feeling repressed, stuck fulfilling the DamselInDistress stereotype. [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu Then she calls Raith a little prick.]]
* Harry, upon entering [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast The Deeps]].
-->I'd been in a few caves that were the headquarters for dark magic and those who trafficked in it. None of them had been warm. None of them had been pleasant. And none of them had been professionally decorated.\\
Until now.
* Harry refers to Trixie as a "self-deluded, half-witted schlong-jockey."

* Harry's completely irrelevant question right before they go up against the Black Court.
-->'''Kincaid''': Any questions?\\
'''Harry''': Why are hot dogs sold in packages of ten but hot dog ''buns'' are sold in packages of eight?\\
''(Kincaid, Murphy, and Ebenezar glare at him)''
* The first meeting of Harry and Lara. After accepting a job for Thomas, he ended so pissed over the con that he decided to have a "talk" with him. Lara decided to intervene, using a pair of miniature guns and her glamour but it failed against Harry and after a second try:
-->'''Lara:''' Empty night. You are Harry Dresden.\\
'''Harry:''' Don't feel bad. I cleverly concealed my identity as Harry the Production Assistant.\\
'''Lara''': Why are you threatening my brother?\\
'''Harry''': It was a slow night and everyone else was busy.\\
'''Lara''': ''[casually shoots him in the ear]''
** At the start of the conversation, when she draws on him, Harry's first thought was that [[ArousedByTheirVoice her voice is hot]], and the second was wondering how Lara caught up to them so quickly in "do me" stiletto heels. His ''third'' thought was remembering that it would be bad to get shot.
** Lara [[ItMakesSenseInContext shoots Thomas]] and Harry manages to drive her off momentarily, and warns Thomas that they shouldn't move until they know where she is.
-->'''Thomas''': [[SarcasmMode That'll get her. The old sitting duck ploy.]]\\
'''Harry''': Give me your gun.\\
'''Thomas''': Why?\\
'''Harry''': So the next time you start talking, I can shoot your wise ass.

-->'''Harry''': He thought I was a stunt penis?

* After Thomas [[spoiler:tells Harry they're half-brothers and he refuses to believe him]], he and Harry get into a minor fight and the former gets the latter in an armlock and Harry responds by sinking his teeth into the offending arm. That's the point where you stop reading for a second to appreciate the fact that yes, Harry Dresden [[StealthPun did]] [[VisualPun just]] ''[[{{Irony}} bite a vampire]]''.
* When Harry, Murphy, and Kincaid are sitting down at breakfast to discuss the hit on Mavra's safehouse, Murphy reaches for her chair, and Kincaid stands up politely, like a proper gentleman. After she glares at him for the unwanted chivalry, he sits down, and she reaches for the chair again. Then Harry gets up. She glares at him, and says that "It's not chivalry if you're doing it to be a wiseass." A small scene, but hilarious.
* Murphy mocks Harry's chivalry earlier in the book as well. While talking to her over the phone about Arturo Genosa, Harry is reluctant to say any words related to a certain female body part, rationalizing "A gentleman just doesn't say some words in front of a lady." That doesn't stop him from holding the phone with his shoulder and gesturing despite her not being in the room. Murphy is only too happy to disabuse him of his notion.

'''Harry''': Hell's bells, Murph!\\

* Murphy's reaction to Harry calling Ebenezar 'Sir.'
** To elaborate, this is the same Harry Dresden who snarks off to everything he sees as a matter of course, who once justified being a wise-ass to a PhysicalGod by the fact that he'd snarked at every other supernatural power he's encountered. You can almost hear Murphy thinking, "Who the ''hell'' is this guy that can make ''Harry'' behave?" and from then and on she treats Ebenezar as if he's on the same level as the Pope.
** Moments before this, Murphy asks incredulously if Ebenezar's CoolCar - an old, ''old'' Ford pickup - runs on coal.
-->'''Ebenezar''': No idea. Mostly I just turn it loose to hunt down dinner for itself.
* When Ebenezar arrives, he remarks that Harry seems to have gotten sloppy in his Morse code, as he tapped out "Blampires" instead of "vampires." Harry then says he did that on purpose, as a portmanteau for Black Court Vampires. Ebenezar can only grumble.
* Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing Creator/JamesMarsters (the voice of all the audiobooks other than the first recording of ''Ghost Story'') do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how funny Trixie's lines are to begin with.
* A BrickJoke about Murphy and her motorcycle.
-->'''Harry:''' It's not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. They're basically huge vibrators. With wheels.
** Later, After Harry and Murphy survive jousting with a truck on her bike, Murphy is laughing hysterically.
-->'''Harry:''' What? Why are you laughing?\\
'''Murphy:''' I think you were right about the vibrator thing.
* Harry makes another WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes reference as they're suiting up to fight the Black Court Vampires.
-->"Spear and magic helmet," I said in my best Elmer Fudd voice. "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting vampires."
* Harry discovers that despite being found in ''extremely'' suspicious circumstances he doesn't need to worry about the police...because the person trying to frame him is so stupid and self-absorbed that she can't remember Harry's name, and tells the police that he was using the alias "Barry" or "Larry".
* Harry mouths off to the brainwashed bodyguard to distract her until Murphy [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome snaps her neck]] with a single blow.
-->'''Harry''': Took you long enough. I was going to run out of actual sentences and just start screaming incoherently.\\
'''Murphy''': [[VitriolicBestBuds That's what happens when your vocabulary count is lower than your bowling average.]]\\
'''Harry''': [[IResembleThatRemark Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you.]]

* Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries, cueing this gem.
-->[[HilarityEnsues "Why did you buy large breed puppy chow?"]]

* There's a subtle StealthPun: The gym where Murphy trains in martial arts is called "Dough Joe's." Or, "dojo."

* Opening line for the book: "The [[RunningGag building]] [[DestructiveSavior was on fire,]] [[ImplausibleDeniability and it]] [[BlatantLies wasn't my fault.]]"

-->Everyone stopped to blink at that for a second. I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, that ain't something you see twice.\\

* "We were dealing with a succubus. Or more than one, which for grammatical reasons I hoped was not the case."

* "Ah, yes, the [[http://www.wikia.com/wiki/c:muppet:Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when [[spoiler:Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine.]]

* ''Blampires''.

* "Ah, yes, the [[http://www.wikia.com/wiki/c:muppet:Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when [[spoiler:Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine.]]

* Harry mouths off to the brainwashed bodyguard to distract her until Murphy [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome snaps her neck]] with a single blow.

* A BrickJoke about Murphy and her motorcycle made this troper unexpectedly burst out laughing in the middle of english class.

* With two injured people (one with a gunshot wound) and a dead body on the scene, Lara wants to cover up the situation and [[LawfulGood Murphy]] wants to call the police despite the time crunch, looking to Harry to reak the tie.

'''Lara''': ''[casually shoots him in the ear]''\\

'''Murphy''': ''(laughs)'' You're cute when you're embarrassed.\\

'''Harry:''' Don't feel bad. I cleverly concealed my identity as Harry the Production Assistant.

* Murphy mocks Harry's chivalry earlier in the book as well. While talking to her over the phone about Arturo Genosa, Harry is reluctant to say any words related to a certain female body part, rationalizing "A gentleman just doesn't say some words in front of a lady." Murphy is only too happy to disabuse him of this notion.

'''Murphy''': ''(laughs)'' You're cute when you're embarrassed.

* During the end battle, Harry is handcuffed to the wall. Murphy is searching for the keys and snarking at him.
-->'''Harry''': Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you.

* After Thomas [[spoiler:tell Harry they're half-brothers and he refuses to believe him]], he and Harry get into a minor fight and the former gets the latter in an armlock and Harry responds by sinking his teeth into the offending arm. That's the point where you stop reading for a second to appreciate the fact that yes, Harry Dresden [[StealthPun did]] [[VisualPun just]] ''[[{{Irony}} bite a vampire]]''.

* Poor Murphy on this one, but the fact that she had to fight the Black Court vampires in her underwear is double parts Awesome and hilarious.
-->'''Harry:''' The image of you gunfighting in your panties is going to boost my morale for years.

* Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries, cuing one of the funniest closing lines in book history.

* Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing Creator/JamesMarsters (the voice of all the audiobooks other than the first recording of''Ghost Story'') do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how funny Trixie's lines are to begin with.

* Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing Creator/JamesMarsters (the voice of all the audiobooks other than ''Changes'') do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how funny Trixie's lines are to begin with.

* Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing James Marsters do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how funny Trixie's lines are to begin with.

--> Everyone stopped to blink at that for a second. I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, that ain't something you see twice.\\

* "Ah, yes, the [[http://www.wikia.com/wiki/c:muppet:Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a CrowningMomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when [[spoiler: Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine.]]

--> '''Harry''': Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you.

--> "Four stars, four boners. What's the difference?"\\

** To elaborate, this is the same Harry Dresden who snarks off to everything he sees as a matter of course, who once justified being a wise-ass to Odin by the fact that he'd snarked at every other supernatural power he's encountered. You can almost hear Murphy thinking, "Who the ''hell'' is this guy that can make ''Harry'' behave?"

-->'''Harry:''' What? Why are you laughing?
-->'''Murphy:''' I think you were right about the vibrator thing.
* Harry makes another WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes reference as they're suiting up to fight the Black Court Vampires.

--> [[HilarityEnsues "Why did you buy large breed puppy chow?"]]

* Harry makes another LooneyTunes reference as they're suiting up to fight the Black Court Vampires.

* Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. The line above comes at the end of a paragraph where Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries, cuing one of the funniest closing lines in book history.

* Closing line: [[HilarityEnsues "Why did you buy large breed puppy chow?"]]
** This requires a little bit of context: Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. The line above comes at the end of a paragraph where Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries.