Reviews: Act Raiser

WHO IS YOUR GOD NOW?!? ...Oh yeah, it\'s me.

Hack and slash platforming!


"Whither the correlation?", I hear you ask, in an affected Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe tone that only makes you look like a pretentious doof.

There isn't one.

But Enix was plain out of fucks to give and did it anyway, and the result.... is an action-RPG classic.

You...! Are an omniscient and omnipotent deity not based on the Abrahamic God in any way. It's up to you and your two servants—an animated stone statue, and a behaloed naked baby with wings that's totally not an angel—to save the world from the fallen angel Lucif—err, Tanzra, and his Rouge Angles of Sata-err, Tanzra. After clearing an an area's first unforgiving yet somewhat fair platform stages and defeating its boss (there are two for each area), it's up to you to guide your loyal subjects in creating a prosperous town where people can be happy.

You must use your power over the elements to clear away bushes and rocks, and keep your population safe from the onslaught of continually spawning monsters of unusual size. The only way to permanently stop said beasties (aside from taking the "hardcore" no-lifer route of defeating innumerably many in a repetitive fool's errand) is to guide your villagers to their lairs, that they may seal them with the help of what cannot be anything but a "wololo"-chanting Age of Empires priest.

As your town grows, certain events may occur. The residents of one village may invent new technology that may be given to another; a prodigal son may choose to embark on a quest of foolish bravery; one may invent fucking MUSIC to help soothe another village embroiled in petty conflict (proof positive that yes, that melodious villager was none other than Brian Wilson!). Once certain events have occurred, an area's second action stage may be unlocked... after which evil may plague the area no longer! Feels good, man! They will never know pain and suffering again! ...You know, apart from the whole aforementioned petty conflict thing, but eh, YOU created them in YOUR image. Such can be the price of free will...

Over time, I found I grew strangely attached to these little pixelated people... some didn't make it and the Player Punch was of such magnitude, that I checked whether I could've done something to save them. No such luck. And after abolishing all evil, in a metaphor for religion's inevitable decline in modern society, they stop actively coming to your temple as they grow more independent. It made me feel like... a parent, somehow. I was proud of my little peoples.

...Then I sent them back to the stone age with a fucking earthquake! That'll teach you, ye godless sons of whores! All shall love me and despair...! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!

...What's that, you're rebuilding it? What, all of it?

Humanity, thou art a confoundingly masochistic yet infinitely captivating race...