Reviews: GI Joe The Rise Of Cobra

Pointing Fingers and Blaming People

There is one big problem with this movie: the screenwriter is far stupider than they think they are. Either that or Executive Meddling on a scale never before seen with a main blockbuster film. The actors, effects, setting, concept, cinematography, in-film technology, even the characters - all fine. But whoever wrote the script is almost as bad as Stephanie Meyer, which is the harshest insult for a writer that it is possible to muster. But it's bad. Some of the lines are so terrible that you can see the actors trying to figure out how to deliver them without sounding like complete fuckwits. Sienna Miller had to deal with the most horrific lines, poor woman, even though she tries to make them sound sincere and adult. Any characterisation was similarly poor and befuddled, but some of the plot twists and set-ups are even WORSE! For example, the Joe base is infiltrated by drills that come in straight through the walls. Solid rock walls in the middle of the desert with no security, bolstering or even a proper security force patrolling them! And then the bad guys - whose characters are so painfully obvious that calling them the "Villainous Group Of Villainously-Posturing Bad Guys Whose Idea Of Taking Over The World Is Villainous... And Stupid" wouldn't in the least be redundant - walk completely without hindrance or even the tiniest alarm straight into the heart of the base and into the office of the guy in charge with no opposition whatsoever. They could have blown up the base and no one would have noticed! The entire sequence was so pathetic and so embarrassing that I had to stop the movie and only came back to it because I was both ever so slightly drunk and needed something in the background while I had to spend two hours of grinding for an RPG. And things didn't get better from there.

I recommend that if you are drunk or high or incredibly bored, yes, watch this movie. But don't, whatever you do, spend more than a couple of dollars of hard-earned money buying or renting it. Not that I endorse or in any way condone doing anything like using Bit Torrent or watching it by streaming illegally online through any one of a number of third-party websites that will offer you a range of flash video outlets....

G.I Joe, how does it compare to Transformers?

Its better!

Im not a Joe fan, not one bit, yet Rise of Cobra is simply better. The plot, while silly, is more coherent. The action is interresting, unlike Transformers, where the robots looked like gray blurrs half the time. Fortunately they corrected that in the sequel.

The main difference between these films is that Rise of Cobra doesnt take itself very seriously. Its cheesy, hammy and its aware of it. Transformers had mood whiplash and could never quite decide if it wanted to be a kick-ass action film or a retarded immature comedy. It was dumb and obnoxious. I mean, seriously...masturbation jokes? Robo-testicles?

Another weak spot of transformers where the characters. Shia sucked, Megan was wooden and the robots barely talked (except Optimus, who was top-notch). I know giant CGI robots aren't exactly actors, but could they atleast have some dialogue. The average Decepticon line was "AAAHHRRRRRRRGGLLLLGGLLL!" Destro, Doctor, Baroness, Storm Shadow, Zartan where much more memorable because they where given some spotlight. Overall, GI Joe used the villains much more effectively.

I can't say for sure if Rise of Cobra is closer to its source material, but im going to take a guess and say it felt like a GI Joe movie. One last thing: Is it me or was this movie LESS patriotic than Transformers? Ironic for a toyline with the "Real American Hero" tagline.

I say watch GI Joe, bring some pop-corn and enjoy the cheese!