Retelling video game stories in fanfic format can be a difficult process. You have to stay reasonably faithful to the characters and setting, while also applying your own touches, and tell the story well using only your words and description. Queen of Hearts has interesting concepts for the story of Persona 5, but falls flat in characterization and technical aspects.
The fic follows the plot of Persona 5 with one key difference- Makoto, rather than Ren, is the Wild Card and leader of the Phantom Thieves. While this change hasn't had all that many repercussions in the Kamoshida arc (apart from Ryuji not joining the Thieves), it has the potential for greater impact in the future- for example, Haru has joined the thieves and dealt with her abusive fiance much earlier than in canon, and Makoto's thinking ahead to stealing Sae's heart. In particular, it's also nice to see Sae being forced to deal with Makoto being the leader of the Phantom Thieves she's been hunting all this time.
As main character, Makoto has somewhat different Confidants than Ren, each with their own personal issues and a fitting choice of an Arcana. It's a nice touch, even if one crucial aspect of the Confidants- the quid pro quo relationship that's more present than in the Social Links- isn't always there.
Unfortunately, the quality of the writing is somewhat shaky. Dialogue, particularly regarding emotions, is often blunt and simplistic, and characters can be a bit melodramatic and overly emotional on occasion. In particular, an instance in which Ren's first contact from his parents in a long while is when they give him a PS3 controller that his former friends returned to him would have worked well as a subdued moment, perhaps him thinking about it (if it was from his POV) rather than the overblown Wangst we got. There's also barely any description, so the setting comes off as a bit bare-bones and overly reliant on dialogue to tell the story (which, again, needs work).
The pacing can be highly inconsistent. The author sometimes spends long amounts of time on the group buying equipment, while sometimes jumping around at key moments. For example, at the very beginning, Sae almost immediately gets started on interrogating Makoto, when it might make sense to spend a little while setting up the scene. The fic also includes largely unnecessary scenes, such as fighting enemies, buying equipment and the first Treasure Demon encounter in Madarame's palace, which generally don't contribute much to the story.
All in all, Queen of Hearts is an interesting idea, but the quality of the writing isn't enough to do the story of Persona 5 justice.
FanFic Rehabilitation Unsuccessful
(This review covers up to Chapter 30).
Retelling video game stories in fanfic format can be a difficult process. You have to stay reasonably faithful to the characters and setting, while also applying your own touches, and tell the story well using only your words and description. Queen of Hearts has interesting concepts for the story of Persona 5, but falls flat in characterization and technical aspects.
The fic follows the plot of Persona 5 with one key difference- Makoto, rather than Ren, is the Wild Card and leader of the Phantom Thieves. While this change hasn't had all that many repercussions in the Kamoshida arc (apart from Ryuji not joining the Thieves), it has the potential for greater impact in the future- for example, Haru has joined the thieves and dealt with her abusive fiance much earlier than in canon, and Makoto's thinking ahead to stealing Sae's heart. In particular, it's also nice to see Sae being forced to deal with Makoto being the leader of the Phantom Thieves she's been hunting all this time.
As main character, Makoto has somewhat different Confidants than Ren, each with their own personal issues and a fitting choice of an Arcana. It's a nice touch, even if one crucial aspect of the Confidants- the quid pro quo relationship that's more present than in the Social Links- isn't always there.
Unfortunately, the quality of the writing is somewhat shaky. Dialogue, particularly regarding emotions, is often blunt and simplistic, and characters can be a bit melodramatic and overly emotional on occasion. In particular, an instance in which Ren's first contact from his parents in a long while is when they give him a PS3 controller that his former friends returned to him would have worked well as a subdued moment, perhaps him thinking about it (if it was from his POV) rather than the overblown Wangst we got. There's also barely any description, so the setting comes off as a bit bare-bones and overly reliant on dialogue to tell the story (which, again, needs work).
The pacing can be highly inconsistent. The author sometimes spends long amounts of time on the group buying equipment, while sometimes jumping around at key moments. For example, at the very beginning, Sae almost immediately gets started on interrogating Makoto, when it might make sense to spend a little while setting up the scene. The fic also includes largely unnecessary scenes, such as fighting enemies, buying equipment and the first Treasure Demon encounter in Madarame's palace, which generally don't contribute much to the story.
All in all, Queen of Hearts is an interesting idea, but the quality of the writing isn't enough to do the story of Persona 5 justice.