All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

"Okay, everyone, time out!" Cutlass suddenly shouted, shaking her arms up. "TIME OUT, JUST A MINUTE EVERYONE, DAMN YOU!"

Negi, Touta, Evangeline, the soulless thing daring to pose as Jack Rakan, Albireo, Nodoka, Yue, Kirie, Karin, Ikkuu, Santa and Kuromaru all stopped fighting and looked at her. "Now what,Drama Queen?" Kirie snorted at her.

"Master!" Cutlass complained to Negi. "Why, out of everyone in our team, I'm the only one who has to fight this battle naked just like those filthy fanservice dogs?! I mean, even those two has-been skanks have kept their clothes on, and it used to be they couldn't spend two chapters in a row without stripping!"

"Our manga sold like twice more than yours, bitch," Nodoka said under her breath.

"Ah!" Cutlass gasped. "I heard that! I'm telling the author!"

"Cutlass-chan," Negi warmly told her, placing his hands on her shoulders, paternally. "I understand your frustration well. It reminds me of the frustration another strong, capable and strong girl I loved a lot used to feel, too. Maybe I should tell you her story, she was named Chao Lingshen..."

"You mean the genius girl who fought you and then returned to her future because—"

"No," Negi gently corrected. "I mean the genius girl who fought me, then was fired off the series because she wouldn't do nude scenes, and only collected a single paycheck afterwards for a cameo near the end, so she could keep her apartment. It's a long, sad story, but I think you're already enough of a big girl as to—"

She sighed and interrupted him, waving a hand. "Never mind, let's just start the fight again. Or else we could miss on the month-long deadline."

“So, you’re a goddess,” Rin told Skuld.

“Yep, a bonafide, honest-to-goodness goddess, Norn of the Future, youngest daughter of Tyr and Anzasu, Overseer of All That Shall Be, any problems with that?” Skuld challenged, hands on her hips.

Rin kept on talking just as critically as before. “Then, you’re one of the Wyrd Sisters of Norse Traditions, the direct counterpart to the Fates who weave the destiny of men… and you were running away from Heracles? A true goddess would’ve been able to kill Heracles in the spot, without having to fear any damage from him!”

Skuld cringed. “W-Well, yeah, but then, what about Zeus’ retaliation, huh? Do I look like the kind who’d get my Pantheon in a war with the Olympians just because of something like that? Huh?!”

“Don’t give me that, you weren’t running from diplomatic tensions, you were definitely running from Heracles, for your life!” Tohsaka accused.

“Master,” Vigilante muttered, “you’re aware you’re picking a fight with either a goddess or a little girl, right? Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse…”

“I’m a goddess and I can prove it!” Skuld screeched, pulling her cellphone out and beginning to quickly dial an extremely long number. “I’ve still got friends in the other side! I might be a tiny wee bit weakened from having to manifest in this lowly plane, but they’ll still talk in my behalf! Hello? Oh, it’s you, Ishtar. Yeah, it’s me. No, they haven’t killed me yet. What do you mean, a pool?! Arrrghhh! Screw your pool, don’t you guys have anything better to do than betting on my odds?! Listen, remember that favor you owed me? What do you mean with that, don’t act as if you don’t remember now! Oooooohhh,yes, that one, now pay me back or I’ll post the proof all over the Godnet! Don’t start whining now, Ishtar, you don’t even know what I’m going to ask for! Look, just come down here a sec and I’ll explain things over, right?!”

She sighed, cut the call, and shook her head. “At least it wasn’t Aqua on monitor duty today! Seriously, that woman’s just the worst!”

Negi blinked. “Was that *the* Ishtar of Mesopotamian myth?”

“Well, duh,” Skuld matter-of-factly snorted. “Who else could it be?”

“Oh, for the love of God,” Tohsaka grunted, folding her arms. “What kind of random insanity is that? Everyone knows the amount of True Magic needed to summon a Divine Spirit is so overwhelming, anyone who could gather it should also been able to utterly destroy Herac—“

Then Skuld gave a calm step back and Saber wordlessly threw Shirou to the floor, shielding him with her body, right before a column of white light descended from the Heavens, blasted a huge hole through Emiya’s rooftop, and landed squarely on the shrieking Rin, bowling everybody else in the room down on their backs.

When the smoke finally dissipated, a far more skimpily and exotically clothed Rin stood back, groaning her annoyance. “Okay then, Skuld, why’d you call me for, this better be brief, I’m expected for a—Oh, damnation!” she cringed, looking at herself, starting with her hands and arms, then following with her body. “Geh, at least I didn’t drop in the freckled nerd!”

“Why even the gods have to put me down?!” Sora protested, springing back to life from behind the still groggy Chisame.

Elsewhere, Gilgamesh shuddered and hugged his upper body. “What is this ill omen that can chill even the Emperor of Uruk, I wonder…?”

"So, um, I happened to hear a few rumors on my way here," the short, hooded visitor at Mikado Ryoko's infirmary casually commented, his legs swinging back and forth on his chair, not even reaching the floor as he watched the doctor run the checkups on his little buddy.

"Wouldn't shock me," the buxom woman replied smoothly, examining one of the tiny black eyes of the babylike wooden creature with a precision glass. "Actually, the only thing that would ever shock me about you is you ever spent any given day without listening to the rumor mill."

"Hey, it's benefited you more than once, hasn't it?" the hooded figure argued. "How any guy can be expected to stay afloat in this business without keeping an ear out for any trouble? Anyway, what I heard was, you had Golden Darkness here. That true?"

"I am Groot, I am Groot," the tiny creature adorably squeaked, trying to reach for Mikado's examination glass with its twiggy arms.

Mikado smiled. "My, my, how could that make the rounds around the galaxy so fast, I wonder? Well, I officially know nothing on the subject," she said.

"Ah, c'mon," the talkative visitor groaned. "We've got squeaky clean rap sheets now, just like you! It's not like you'll be sharing any delicate info with criminals, Doc!"

"I just have to wonder how long will that last..." Ryoko mused to herself almost musically, as she gently made the baby look aside, the better to examine the sides of its head and the diminutive auditive tunnels on it.

"I am Groot?" the baby asked, its attention now set through the window and into the gigantic tree visible in the distance.

"Look, Doc, I know you," the other visitor chastised, wagging the thin, almost claw-like finger of a gloved hand, "and I know, if you've got news of Goldie being held here, you must've told that person, and that person won't stay still where she is until—"

Now Ryoko stopped her exams briefly to give him an uncharacteristically fierce look. "Who told you about that, anyway?"

"I am Groot, I am Groot," the baby began gesturing for the tree with its lovable twig fingers.

"Some Galaxy Police wiseguy. Wanted to score a few points with us now we're heroes, you know. Well, that, and probably wanted to score with Gamora, too. The big lug's not interested if Thanos ain't involved, and Quill has other things in his mind right now, but I thought—"

"Please don't," Ryoko sharply told him, shaking a pointer finger vigorously from one side to the other. "As soon as the checkup's over, please go back to your ship, leave, and don't come back until it's time for the next one. Things have been too hectic around here lately, and the last thing we need is a repeat of the Xandar incident during the middle of a school festival."

"Gee, Doc, you're talking as if that was our fault or something. Well, you could kinda say it was Quill and Drax's, and even Gamora had a hand on it, but us? That's just plain mean, Doc, it's as if you thought we mean trouble..."

"Rocket!" Ryoko raised her voice. "Just think of the children!"

"I am Groot, I am Groot!" the baby bounced up and down, looking excitedly at the World Tree.

"Well," Rocket reasoned, "maybe you should've thought about those children as well before calling Tearju and telling her Goldie's here!"

"I didn't do that!" she protested.

The hooded figure paused, then pulled the hood back to show her how displased and unbelieving his face was looking right then.

"Put that back on, anyone could walk in at any given time," Ryoko chided him. "They're starting to ask me for preview copies of all those amateur sci-fi movies with the rad makeup, and I'm already running out of excuses."

"So start locking your door already," the raccoon grumbled, putting the hood back either way. "And you know Tearju won't stand idly and wait for 'em to execute Goldie. Springin' her while she's here will be much easier than doing it once she's up there."

Ryoko held gazes with him steadily over the next few moments, both frowning at each other. "So," she coolly said, "what do you think I should've done?"

"I am Groot! I am Groot!" the baby said, tugging on her sleeve with a hand while pointing out the window with the other.

The hooded figure hummed thoughtfully, lowered his head in contemplation, and finally said, "That's a Juraian Tree, ain't it? Never visited their homeworld, but it finally dawned on me, while doing research on trees so I could give Groot a better—"

"That doesn't answer my question, Rocket," Ryoko tensely said. "What do you think I should—"

"You know who planted that thing in the first place, don't you?"

"What does that even have to do with—!"

"I think I'd like to talk with that person, if you don't mind," he obviously smirked within the hood, showing a mouth full of shiny little sharp teeth.

She finally had enough and threw a tray on his face.

"I am Groot?" the baby asked.

Chamo sighed to himself. “Ah, ladies, you just meet them and they already want to know all about your calls…”

“Don’t give me that junk!” Luna hissed, the fur on her back spiking. “Like I’d ever have tastes that bad! You know I just can’t let strange calls from magical visitors go unattended in the area I’m supposed to protect!”

Chamo laughed, holding her at bay with a placating gesture. “Geez, Nee-chan, taking it easy, willya?! You can’t just take a joke, can you? If you really need to know, that was one of my Bro’s girlfriends, Haruka-chan. She says she’s ran into some kind of trouble in Honnouji… someone seems to know more about a friend of ours than anybody should know, that’s all… Probably nothing to freak out for, but I should give Negi a call anyway…”

She urgently tapped him on a shoulder with a paw, and he pocketed the cellphone back into the Hammerspace of his fur as they saw a very pretty young girl, not that much older than Negi, merrily skipping their way, seemingly not concerned in the slightest over the rumbling thunders from the gray clouds quickly spreading across the sky. She had long dark hair and apparently came from Sunday classes, as she was wearing the requisite CLAMP Elementary uniform. A small white wool cap covered the top of her head.

Luna subtly pushed with her hips to try and make Chamo retreat into the bushes, since cats and ermines are rarely seen in each other’s company in the nature, at least not without being at each other’s throats, out to kill themselves mutually. But so entranced he was by the newcomer’s beauty, he completely ignored the Mau’s sensible efforts to enforce their masquerade, and instead bolted into the pathway, making small adorable animal sounds and waving his tail at the incoming girl. Luna facepawed and quickly retreated into the bushes, waiting to see what the idiot would do.

The young girl came to a halt, looking down at Chamo. “Hmmm?” she said, then gushed in a high pitched cutesy tone, quickly picking him up. “Ohhhhh, you’re so adorable…! What a pretty little ferret…!”

“Kuh, kuh, kuh!” Chamo snuggled against her as she hugged and petted him, his cheeks goofily red and his tail swagging. Luna grimaced in disgust at the display, a vein bulging on her forehead. This guy looked less like a familiar and more like a sexual predator in the making.

The girl giggled, holding him tightly before herself and rubbing noses with him, something that delighted Chamo even more. “You’re even cuter than a Po**mon, what’s your name?” she asked him. “I’m Hikari!”

“Kuh, kuh, kuhhh…!” Chamo said, making slight kissing motions in the hopes she’d get the hint. “Kuh? Is that your name, little friend?” she asked, walking away with him, under Luna’s contemptful glare from her hiding place. “Oh, no, you don’t look like a Kuh to me. Maybe an Anton? Shiro-kun? Penfold?”

Then Luna noticed something else. Now she had grabbed the ermine, the girl was walking out of the boulevard, heading into the park, and walking at a much brisker place as she talked. Luna squinted, sniffed the air, focused her senses, and then gasped in horror.

“Reginald?” Hikari kept on wondering, her large eyes growing duller and blander the deeper she went into the park, away from the more transited venues, unconcerned with the slight rain already beginning to drop. Chamo was too smitten by the way she held him, her thumbs massaging his belly, as to truly notice or care. “Pocky-kun? Mr. Fluffy, maybe?”

Luna ran after them, claws already out, but she screeched to a halt when she saw the girl had stopped by a lonely spot near a fountain, the surroundings seeming to grow unnaturally darker and colder. Luna kept her prudent distance, knowing from prior experiences there was nothing she could do past this point but watching and learning for future reference.

“Orrrrr maybe…” Hikari finished, her smile completely lifeless and distant by now, “I should call you Chamo-kun?”

“… kuh?!” Chamo swallowed, just as the air before them shifted, darkenned, and collapsed into a large, man sized black hole in the ever loving fabric of time and space. Out of it regally stepped, a tall, strong looking man with a handsome face and long, wavy dark hair falling all over his wide shoulders, wearing a militaristic uniform complete with tall shiny black boots. “Ah!” the ermine said. “I know that uniform! You’re in the same team as that gay guy!”

“Well done, Hikari-chan,” the man reached over to fatherly pat the head of the mesmerized little girl. Then he gave Chamo a martial salute. “Mr. Ermine, it’s a honor. Don’t feel too bad about falling for this subterfuge, please. From one ladies’ man to another, there is no more effective trap than the honey trap.”

“Well, it’s not like I can argue that…” Chamo conceded. “But still, this is wrong! Lolis aren’t meant to be hypnotized and used for lewd purposes against their will, that’s just the worst!!”

“L-Lewd…?!” the man recoiled, an eyebrow twitching. “Mister, you offend me!” he said, taking a glove off and slapping Chamo across the face. “Nephlite, honorable General of the Dark Kingdom and avenger of General Jadeite, would never stop that low! Lolis are to be tenderly looked after, respected, and only hypnotized for the purposes of information gathering, spionage, infiltration, and perfectly innocent tea parties!”

“… tea parties?” Chamo asked, as his eyes went tiny.

“With ponies!” Nephlite gruffly roared, stern and manly. “Do you want to make fun of that? A real man is entitled his hobbies, I expected you to understand that!”

Chamo swallowed. “W-Well, before I pass any opinions around, I feel I need to ask, are you after Lolis because you’d like to be a Loli, or because you like looking at Lolis…?”

“The latter.”

“Ah.”

“In a completely pure and virtuous way, of course.”

“I’m sure.”

“Because my intentions are nowhere as lecherous and filthy as yours.”

“If you say so, my man.”

“Well. I’m glad we made that clear this quickly.”

“Can I go now?”

Nephlite smiled evilly and clasped his strong, squeezing hand tightly around him, choking him into a long scream of “ANIMAL ABUUUUUUUSE!!”

“Sure, let’s go,” Nephlite said, and disappeared along the ermine.

A moment later, Hikari blinked back to consciouness, finding herself standing alone way deep into the park, before the fountain and under the rain, without an umbrella. “Oh, geez, it happened again?!” she complained to herself. “At least I’m not wearing Goth Loli for no reason this time…!”