All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

The Other Woman.

"So, when are you telling your daughter about your woman?"

Akashi-sensei paused, startled by what Kotaro had just said. The boy had arrived to his house just minutes ago, claiming he'd been all but kicked out of his living quarters, and that he'd tried to find Negi to mess around with him (not in those exact words, of course), but couldn't locate him. So he'd come to visit him instead, which Akashi supposed was testament to how bored out of his mind he was.

"I beg your pardon?" Akashi asked, looking up from the paranormal activity books the Kanto Associacion had handed him for the month, which he'd been checking on when the boy arrived.

Kotaro picked on something between his teeth with a claw and then added, still resting on his side before the TV, "I can smell her scent comin' from everywhere, yanno. Does your daughter know yet? I think she's a bit of a Papacon, you should do something about that."

"Yuuna is not—!" the man began, then sighed and said instead, "That must be the maid you're smelling, Inugami-kun. I'm not a good housekeeper, so I pay a nice lady to come here twice a week and clean up."

"Sir, sorry to say it, but that's bull," the boy indolently resting on his carpet told him. "I know of women's scents, you've got to in my biz, where you need learning how to identify every type of person from a sniff. That's not the smell of a sweaty maid sweeping the floor while looking at the clock, that's the perfume of a wife." A pause. "Well, a newlywed anyway. Old timers let themselves go until it's time to find themselves lovers, but at that point the perfumes they use are instead—"

"Inugami-kun!" Akashi protested.

He looked back at him over his shoulder. "Relax, I'm not a squealer, if you don't want to tell your daughter, that's your problem, not mine. And I figure a guy's private life ain't the concern of the old man either. Just saying, since we're supposed to look after each other, we kinda should be honest between us. I think that's fair enough and the least I can ask for, isn't it?"

Akashi was left at a loss for words after hearing that.

—-

"You must be Kotaro-kun!" the admittedly nice looking lady with purple hair, her hairdo carefully concealing her ears, told him as she pinched his cheeks, perhaps a bit more strongly than necessary, upon greeting him when he visited the next day. "How do you do, I'm Meddy, Wataru-kun's girlfriend! I'm so pleased to meet the famous reliable young man who is so discreet and trustworthy!"

"... yeah, I'm still not telling the girl, no problem," Kotaro nodded dryly right before the lady stuffed a cookie into his mouth and then patted his head, again maybe rougher than it was needed.

Akashi-sensei sighed. Hopefully she wouldn't end up poisoning the child, or taking control of his mind to make him her puppet, or anything like that. It'd taken a fair lot of convincing (yes, that is how they're calling it now) for her to agree to do things his way for now, but he had a dreaded hunch the boy would be really testing her for the days to come...

Like we Need More Characters!

"Another question before we go," Shirou suddenly seemed to remember something, coming to a halt before the church's gates. "If the Grail was supposed to manifest itself at Fuyuki, why didn't it do that there again? Why Mahora now?"

"Emiya-kun," Rin answered for Kirei, "the great fire destroyed all the leylines in Fuyuki. Even assuming anyone would be willing to go back to that wasteland to fight, and fighting a War at grounds that offer no protection anywhere is a terrible strategy, the charred land wouldn't offer any magic to sustain the Grail, much less the Servants."

"Indeed," Kirei nodded. "Mahora is the biggest center of magical activity in Japan, so it would make sense for the Grail to gravitate towards it once denied its original manifestation grounds."

"I see," Shirou frowned. "Yeah, that's logical alright. I guess. So we're more magical than the other schools, then?"

"It's not like there's no magic in the other academies," Kirei specified, "but even if the powers behind the Grail had extended themselves over the others, it only could have resulted in lesser wars spawning lesser copycat Grails. All the same, the Church was previsive and planted delegates at each of the Four Schools in the event of such a contigency, but of course, something that unlikely would never come to pass..."

Shirou nodded knowingly, not even realizing the ugly grimace Rin had just made behind his back.

Finally, she said, "Dammit, Kirei, you had to go and jinx it, didn't you?"

"Why, Rin," the priest said, "what do you think I am, someone hellbent on bringing misery and chaos everywhere? What power could the words of a humble minister hold over fate anyway...?"

—-

At Ohtori, a certain Caren Ortensia paused from her writing, checked it was her turn to answer calls on the chalkboard on her wall, sighed, and then marched towards her church's front door.

"Yes...?" she asked, opening the gates and facing the nervous girl with dark brown hair and glasses at her doorstep. Perhaps God's doorstep, more accurately, although in Caren's own opinion...

"Ummm, h-how are you, you don't know me, but, my name's Sajyou Ayaka, and, well, I believe we're supposed to contact you when something like this happens..."

Shyly, trembling, she rolled a sleeve up and showed Caren the red marking, shaped like a thin, elongated blade, on the back of her right hand. Caren blinked only once, but otherwise made no sign of surprise before silently inviting her to walk in with a gesture.

—-

At Honnouji, a tall young man with brown hair stood before the gigantic doors, of the local church, which was as dramatically gigantic as everything else in that academic city. He had first knocked on them minutes ago, but whoever was in there sure was taking their sweet time to show themselves. Still, it wasn't like he could just turn around and leave. Not only it was pouring and he wouldn't go all the way back home until it had stopped raining, but he had to know, and to know, he had to...

"Yes, how can we help you?" sweetly asked the tall, busty nun who had just greeted him now, waking him up from his troubled stream of frantic thoughts. "Oh my, you're soaked to the bone, young man. Why don't you come in and—"

"Sorry to disturb you, Ma'am," the boy bowed. "I'm Minase Taki, and, well, I think I've might just made a terrible mistake. I might need help from the church to, ah... Would you recognize this, please?"

He unzipped the handbag he had on him and pulled a book out. The large tome had sturdy black leather trimmings, and depicted on the moldy and worn cover there was a white hexagram symbol, the Star of David, crossed by a sword. A metal chain with the same symbol had been wrapped around the thick cover to hold it shut, but now hung mostly loose, as if cut off to unlock the sealed book, most likely with no large amount of skill, judging from how it'd been done. The nun's eyes widened.

"I found this in the basement of the old gym," the boy uneasily said, "while cleaning up, under a loose block, and, well..." He held a hand up, showing the strange red markings on the skin of its back. "I translated it with some help from a cousin of mine, and it had a few things, weird things like spells I thought I'd try, just for fun... First, I tried something that someone had scribbled on the back cover, and well, then this appeared on me..."

After her initial surprise, she smiled warmly and inviited him in with a polite gesture. "I think I might just know a few things on the subject, yes. Come in, dear, I'll help you as best as I possibly can. Don't be afraid, you're in the company of the Lord here. I am Sister Sessyoin Kiara..."

—-

At CLAMP Gakuen, Sister Ciel stared blankly at the tall, busty, blonde woman with the fantastically long braid trailing behind her. That woman who had just showed up at the church's doorstep planted the tip of her long sword on the step of the stairs before herself and proclaimed, with a pure but proud firm voice:

"My Master. Once more, I shall raise this flag, for this country's—-no, this world's salvation. Order has gone up in flames, and so much purpose has been lost. Our future shall vanish in but a second. My true name is Jeanne d'Arc. In the name of my lord, I shall stand as your shield! This struggle is one that has long endured through the sands of human history. But there is no need for concern, as untold fateful encounters await you. Though this entire planet has become the battlefield of the Holy Grail War, though the world is about to be brought to ruin, though countless formidable foes block your path, the end has still yet to be determined by anyone. Now, let us begin our fight, Master!"

"... please come back tomorrow, I'm busy today," Ciel flatly said, eyebrow twitching, and then closed the door on her. A moment later, she screamed her full frustration out.

Kay-Fa-U-BEETCH!

"OOOHHHH-HOHOHOHO!" Luviagelita laughed, back of hand primly placed on mouth, as the colorful lights of the underground arena fell on her section of the ring. At her corner, Destroyer, in his Spirit form, floated with a fierce frown thankfully no one could see right now, it was THAT ugly. "Well, well, well! So, you are training to be a profesional wrestler? Ho ho ho ho!"

"Hey! What are you laughing at my dream like that? That's rude! It's your own dream as well, isn't it?" the even bustier blonde at the other end of the ring pouted, most of her cute face hidden behind a blue and white spandex mask.

"Well, it's one of my many cherished dreams, since unlike others, I don't have an one-track mind," Luvia taunted, "but why can't I find it laughable? It's simply hilarious, to think someone from this country might have a chance to defeat a Westerner in a Western sport! I think you should find something more up your alley... like Go, perhaps! Oh ho ho ho ho!"

"Dammit, Master, we should be finding and killing Servants and Masters right now!" Destroyer protested. "Seriously, why did I get this dumb girl, again? It makes no sense!"

"Come on, take that back!" the masked blonde with the long twintails (twintails, how much Luvia hated those!) cried, while the Japanese crowd around the ring booed and hissed at Luvia, who only lifted her nose haughtily at them. Now that, Destroyer liked, since he couldn't stand those people either. Well, he could stand no people at all, but the locals around there had to rank amongst the first in his long long long list of dislikes. "I'll show you Japanese wrestling is as good if not better than that from Europe! RAINBOW!"

—-

"— and that's why I have a girlfriend, not that any of that was any business of yours, so will you shut up now?!" Luviagelita screeched angrily at Tohsaka while Rainbow Mika fiddled shyly behind her, blushing. "Let's just start this battle already!"

Rin barely held back her tears, shaking and sobbing visibly. "How, how, how could you do this to me, Luvia?! I thought we had a beautiful, black enmity going on! Yet I turn my back around for a few months and you find yourself a new rival, just like that! I, I hate you, I hate you forever!"

"Well, unlike some other people I could mention, she could take a hint after a while, you know! And she has breasts, too!"

"Okay, that, that does it! Vigilante, forget about killing Destroyer, kill HER!"

"Destroyer, forget all about killing Vigilante, kill RIN instead!"

Vigilante and Destroyer simply stared into each other's cold, emotionless eyes then.

"I doubt it's been half as hard for you as it's been for me, you miserable no-good worm."

"That... That's my line, you scummy worthless bum."

"Seriously, Lu-chan, can't you guys settle this any other less violent way?" the girl who earned her life pummeling other people on the ring with her hips complained.

The Master of the House.

As she cooked, Miyu asked at some given point or another, "Destroyer-san? Please pass me the pepper."

"Pick it yourself, kiddo," the Servant growled out a corner of his beak, moodily sitting at the table, his arms folded on it and his chin resting on them.

"I need to keep stirring the pot, I shouldn't be moving away until it's done, Destroyer-san," Miyu quietly explained, still not looking back. "It won't take you any long, just please pass me the pepper."

"I'm not your freaking assistant, girl, are you deaf? Get the darn pepper yourself!" the petite but hostile Servant roared.

Miyu sighed, pulled Sapphire-san from the pocket of her apron, and turned back to face Destroyer with a completely neutral expression on.

He smirked cruelly, summoning his chainsaw and turning it on. "Oooooh, is the widdle princess going to discipline me? Let's see you try...!"

—-

Luvia tasted the soup, then frowned. "It has the exact right amount of pepper," she estimated, "but you didn't stir it up enough, did you, Miyu?"

Miyu bowed respectfully. "I apologize. It was only for a moment—"

From where he was crouching at a corner hugging his knees and trembling violently, Destroyer muttered something very colorful and crude in response.

Luviagelita raised an eyebrow, looked at him, then at Miyu, and finally went back to sipping her soup with a slight shrug. "It's still palatable enough," she off-handledly complimented, and Miyu almost smiled.

"With pleasure," she purred. "Seven basic classes of Servants designed to do battle were accessed at first. Saber, Berserker, Archer, Lancer, Assassin, Caster and Rider. But as the number of interested would-be contestants grew, and since for each War, each Class could be summoned by only one particular magus, those with enough expertise in magic synthesized their own classes, most often after performing blood curdling sacrifices to cheat the system and enable their wishes. So the Extra classes were born: Avenger, Vigilante, Destroyer, Hunter, Runner, Trickster, Temptress, Magical Girl (x2), Butcher, Baker, Candlestickmaker, Monster, Judge, Beast, Shield, Ruler, Partygoer, Saver, Stealer, Swimmer, Teacher, Thinker, Pathfinder, Cavalier, Writer, Peeper, Jeeper, Creeper, Breaker, Faker, Healer, Chooser and Bob."

"'Bob'?" Ruri felt compelled to ask.

'Very old, established Extra class.'

Let's Make a Contract.

"And here it is!" a satisfied Hino Rei smiled. "I've found it! This might be our key to winning the Grail War, Shielder!"

"What is it, Master?" the blond woman calmly questioned.

Rei smirked, slightly waving the tome in her hand. "It's a Book of the False Attendant, created by the Matou family back when they still were factors of any relevance in the world of magic. With it, even a complete neophyte could gain control over a Servant! If I use it, I might be able to wrestle control from other Masters' Servants and add them to our ranks! Or I could make them kill themselves so you won't even have to fight them yourself! Isn't that just great, Shielder?"

She nodded. "Indeed it is, Master. Oh, look that way, isn't that the Tuxedo Kamen individual from the news?"

"Ah!" Rei quickly turned around. "Where?! I've heard he's just dreamy, he's so mysteri—"

BONK!!!!

—-

Negi blinked as the strange tall, curvaceous woman who had leapt into his way as he headed back home dropped a book in his hands. "What's this?"

She seemed to hesitate, rasped slightly, and finally said, with the faintest shade of a blush, "You would like to become a hero as great as your father was, wouldn't you? Well, by using this, I might just be able to assist you with that endeavour..."

He blinked. "How do you know about my father?"

"L-Listen, that's not important right now! I had to betray the trust of someone very dear to me just for your sake, so I'd appreciate it greatly if you were to take on my offer!"

—-

Back at her studio, Hino Rei weakly twitched on the floor, face down, a gigantic three-storied bump on her head.

"Shielder... I'm going to get you for this!" she promised, still unable to get back up.