All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread

I can see most of your list being plausiable sans mutants (UQ Holder may change that), angles, and gods.

Chapter 6 Nobody Arrives to Help
by Uber Nimrod, with help from SCM, Anemoi, Sinclair, Eva Unit, and Calm and Insane
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Time: Unknown.
Relative Time: Approximately 5 hours after insertion.
Location: Unknown.
Relative Location: Wales, United Kingdom.
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“That looked like it hurt.” IANCE said, as Eva Unit and Anemoi rushed to my aid.

I really wanted to make a snarky remark to that comment. “Uhhhhh!” was the best I could manage at the moment.

Having someone fall off the pharmacy roof and land on you after getting hit in the head by some sort of plastic case falling out of the sky will frustrate attempts at snarkiness.

The aforementioned person who fell on me was either unconscious or faking it rather well. One would be forced to wonder why that was.

Unfortunately the person who landed on me after he fell off the pharmacy roof, was keeping me from breathing, being as he was lying across my chest. Combined with the impact of the fall itself and the blow to my head from what I could now see to be a plastic file case, this added to my inability to be able to make snarky remarks, as well as attempt to reason why someone had decided to drop in out of nowhere.

First I'm teleported to another universe, then after a respite to allow that tidbit of information to sink in, I am smacked in the head by a falling filecase, then someone new lands on me. There are names for these sorts of events. Many of which can't be said in polite company.

As I was being helped, several more thumping noises came from the pharmacy roof. I managed to get one hand free in case I needed to shield my skull from more falling objects.

It turned out I needn't have bothered. The thumps were on the other side of the doorway. Before I could wonder what the noise was about, the answer became clear as several soft-sided suitcases fell from the roof followed by two large backpacks.

By the time the mystery person was lifted off me, IANCE had already approached the luggage. I found myself breathing easier in multiple ways.

The pharmacy door opened to reveal curious and concerned members of Ala Iridia peering outwardly just as our newest arrival started to rouse himself awake. “Hey guys? Can you grab the stuff that hit the roof just now?” Anemoi asked as he helped the new person up. Eva Unit managed to pull me upright with some difficulty. I concede that I am not a small person.

Several people grabbed up the luggage and backpacks, but managed to leave the file case for me to grab as I carefully made my way back inside. Eva Unit stayed near me as he had seen me getting smacked. I turned to him and said, “Better find a Tylenol bottle for me when we get inside.” He nodded as he followed me in.

Once inside, we found several people unpacking warm clothing from the suitcases. Limit and Cygnus were taking packets of something from one of the backpacks as Anemoi and Sereg did the same with the other one.

“Tea candles?” asked Sereg, peering at the package in his hands. “Why not bigger candles?”

“The larger candles don't provide as much light. Those little candles may not last long, but they give off lots of light.” came the reply from Anemoi.

“There is a fair amount of firewood that we've gathered. The candles are only so we can see at night I think.” Eva Unit added as he went to the shelves to grab aspirin for me.

“Firewood good.” I quipped as I went around to the counter.

“PSU Gorillas?” Calm asked as he held up a sweatshirt.

“What really?” I asked. When I saw that he was indeed holding up a sweatshirt with the gorilla mascot on it, I cheerfully called, “Dibs!”

“There is also a shirt with the logo as well.” Calm added.

“Considering that the shirt I have on is ruined, that might come in handy too,” I said, placing the file case on the counter.

“You know that school?” Mega-dark asked.

“I graduated from there.” I admitted.

Calm threw the shirt and sweatshirt to me as everyone else sorted out the clothes and supplies. There was packets of trail mix, beef jerky, and mixed nuts in one backpack. The tea candles, matchbooks, and dried fruit packets were in the other backpack. I placed my new shirts on top of the case and peered at the newcomer.

He was dressed in normal clothes, and looked about average. Nothing special stood out except for the fact that his mustache and beard was almost opposite mine. My beard, if it can be called that, looked about as scraggly as his mustache, whereas his beard looked as nice as my mustache. I decided then to shave off my own attempt at a full beard and just settle for a doorknocker style beard, since I did look alright with that.

“Let me guess,” I said to him as everyone turned to see what I was doing. “You frequent the TV Tropes boards. Am I right?”

“Well, I lurk most of the time,” he replied.

“Ah, but most of the time means you do comment some. Might I ask your online name?”

“Ummm...”

“We won't bite you. Really, we won't.”

“Welll...”

“We might cut you to ribbons intellectually if you believe that the ending of the Negima manga was satisfying, but we won't bite you,” I added.

“Huh?” Boy, did that shock him to life.

I nodded before continuing, “There is a good portion of the All Purpose Negima Fanfiction Thread here. Why that is, we have no idea.”

“Really? I mean, all of you...”

I nodded again as several others joined in.

“That explains why the thread was so quiet yesterday,” he said.

“Huh?”

I had no idea who that was, but that was also my sentiment.

“I mean, there was almost nothing posted yesterday. Not that I thought about it much since I don't post often...” he started to say.

Anemoi cut him off, “Wait up. Who are you?”

“Oh. I'm The Nobody.”

“The Nobody?” IANCE asked.

The new arrival nodded.

Sereg chuckled, “I know who you are then. You're fine.” A few of the others also nodded in agreement.

“Well, now that we have that established, all of you can introduce yourselves and fill him in on what he's missed while I try to find a restroom,” I said.

“Up the hallway on the right. But be careful. The toilet doesn't work.” IANCE said.

“Oh? Let me look,” I said as I left to do such. Conversation resumed as I went up the hallway. Two doors were on the right side of the hallway, with the second door leading to the area that connected the pharmacy and deli. I went to the first one and opened it.

It was indeed a restroom. Complete with a toilet, a sink, and a hand pump to provide water for both. I had to stare at the fixture for a moment, surprised that something like that would be here. Then I remembered that this village was supposed to be remote, and realized that rural water was a bit much to ask for. Especially someplace where most of the inhabitants were more skilled in magic than technology.

It occurred to me that there ought to have been something used to prime the pump, such as a glass filled with water. I stepped out of the restroom and wandered to the living area to search.

Moments later I returned to the others in time to witness everyone agreeing that whatever series that Akamatsu worked on next, it would not be as good as Negima was.

“Gentlemen, who wants to learn how to work the pump in the bathroom?” I asked.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

After giving everyone a lecture on the importance of priming a pump before use, as well as remembering to fill the Mason jar with water to use for priming the pump, I was reminded that there was a file case waiting on me to open it.

“None of you opened it?” I asked.

“It hit you in the head. Therefore we decided it was obviously meant for you to open it,” Rikalous said as a few of the others nodded.

“Gee thanks. Are you going to go hide in the kitchen while I open it?”

“No, we are going to hide inside that walk-in freezer. It has thicker walls,” IANCE said.

“Ha ha. Very funny.” I went behind the counter and opened up the case.

“Is it full of money?” SCM asked.

“No. At least not that I can tell,” I said as I pulled out a file folder out and opened it up. “Oh wow!”

“Oh wow?” SCM asked.

I didn't say a word as I went to the pharmacy shelves and grabbed a pen and a set of small notepads and brought them back to the counter. After opening the notepads, I started scribbling as fast as I could manage while everyone else wondered what the heck I was doing. Several seconds went by before I set the pen down, held up the folder, and called out, “Iridia Roll Call! No Limit!”

“Huh?” Limit asked.

“Come get this.” I waved the folder around a little so he understood what I meant.

“Iridia Roll Call? Really?” IANCE asked as Limit went up to get the folder.

“'Iridia! Transform and Roll Out!' doesn't make any sense,” I said, grabbing another folder and resuming my writing.

“How about 'Iridia Assemble?'” Rikalous asked.

“That sounds better to me anyway,” I replied.

Eventually, everyone got their own folder. Each folder had their TV Tropes forum name at the top. Each folder had the same things inside: passport, drivers license or photo identification, some important papers or cards such as birth certificates and other things needed for bureaucracy to function properly, and a hundred pounds of British currency. There was a few sheets of paper that had information about their new backgrounds, history, and other details. There was also another sheet of paper that was a resume, complete with references, that could be copied and used as needed. Inside a few of the folders was something special, like the sandwich bag with some small pills in my folder or the ring that was in Over Master's folder.

My notepad was filling up with names, aliases, and several numbers. IANCE peered at the list when I finally finished writing.

No Limit Fake Name = Bruce Kane
Sinclair Fake Name = Henry Mac Gregor
Immi Fake Name = Kit Duane
IANCE Fake Name = Roberto Peña
Eva Unit Fake Name = Sean Grayson
Calm and Insane Fake Name = Grant “Gir” Vasquez
Marq Fake Name = Kuroro Hiroyama
Mega-dark Fake Name = Light "Rock" Inafune
Rikalous Fake Name = Jack Burton
Anemoi Fake Name = Matthias Davidson
Over Master Fake Name = John Burroughs
Sereg Fake Name = Yuuno Tsuzuki
The Nobody Fake Name = Gilbert Brown
Cygnus Fake Name = Toori Kawakami
SCM Fake Name = Kaede Senou
My Fake Name = Woodrow Jacob Heinlein
“Why are you writing all of that down anyway?” IANCE asked.

“I agree. Writing all of this down is a bad idea.” Sinclair added.

“They-they know our handles, the forums we hang out in, even our favorite characters!?” cried Sereg. “Who-who are these people!? What else can they do!? Have they read our minds!?” He clutched his hands to his face and stepped backwards until he hit the wall, as everyone turned to face him. “Are they going to blackmail us!? Threaten our friends and families!? Our past selves!? Do we have past selves!?” He was breathing rapidly and heavily, bordering on hyperventilation as he sank to his knees. “They can teleport us, send us through time and/or dimensions, know who we are, organize fake identities for us ... How powerful are they!? What do they want!? Why us?! How am I supposed to use a fake identity!? I suck at lying! I hate it! I’m not a secret agent! What do we do what do we do what do we do?” He sat on the floor and grasped his knees to his chest, rocking himself as he shivered and gasped in deep breaths. “Does-does being here threaten existence!? Will we die if we interfere with our past selves or anything else!? Are we already dead!? Did this happen in the manga and we all died before Negi’s graduation!? What’s going on!?” Sereg sighed. “I need tea.”

"You want to know what we're going to do? We're going to stay alive for these three days or so, and worry about that when we need to. For now we take it one day at a time. If 'these people' wanted something from us they would have told us. Or if they wanted us dead it would have been way easier to teleport us into the sun, so that isn't the case." Calm reasoned, trying to reassure Sereg. "In fact they're more likely to be doing this for fun, so your reaction is only encouraging them."

Eva Unit blankly stared at Sereg for a moment. "Given that we seem to be in the Akamatsuverse, I'd say it's about a 50 percent chance that we have Chao Lingshen to thank for this predicament. She's already demonstrated mastery of time and interdimensional travel, so assuming that she can break the fourth wall to take us from our reality, that's probably what's happened." He paused, before adding, "Granted, that leaves the question of a motive, but given that she's practically Aizen and Xanatos rolled into one, we'll probably end up seeing her objective through regardless of what we say or do, or even regardless of whether or not we know what that objective is."

“Negimaverse.”

“Huh?” Eva Unit asked, turning to face me along with everyone else.

“We know we are in the Negima universe because we have seen Negi and Nekane, as well as a couple of other characters from the manga. If we are in the Akamatsuverse, then we have a chance of running into characters from not only Negima, but A. I. Love You and Love Hina as well. Until Motoko tries to kill me with her sword, I will just assume we are in the Negima universe,” I said. “As for why I am writing things down, I am absent-minded enough to need to write down everything I need to remember. Once I get what I need committed to memory, then I will burn the papers. And I mean burn. People can sort through trash,” I added. “Has anyone figured out how or why our fake names were created?”

“Yes, because ninja techniques can be learned by sorting through the scrolls in the trash.” IANCE said.

“Huh?” Eva Unit asked.

“That's in one of the Naruto/Negima crossover fanfics. Naruto learns several techniques because he goes through the trash of everyone in Konoha for the scrolls they throw away.” IANCE explained.

“That is the dumbest thing I have heard. They didn't burn them?” Rikalous asked.

“Evidently not.” IANCE said.

A quickly suppressed laugh from me had everyone looking at me again wondering what was so funny. “Sorry, sorry everyone. Pay no attention to the senile old person who just remembered something from Order of the Stick.”

“Do tell,” Anemoi said.

“I'm sorry, but I imagined Naruto finding a scroll in someone's trash. 'Hey, this scroll says that someone learned Explosive Runes today.'”

That got a chuckle out of most everyone, including Sereg.

“Feeling better now?” I asked him.

Sereg nodded. “I'll be fine for now anyway.”

“Well good. Back to my question then. I can tell how my fake name was created, but how was yours created?” I asked.

“Well, mine seems to be a combination of one of my favorite characters and authors,” Limit said.

I nodded, “Bruce Wayne, the Batman and Bob Kane, the author that came up with the character. I've heard worse ways of coming up with fake identities.”

It turned out that most everyone else's fake names were created the same way. Rikalous's name came from Jack Skellington and Tim Burton. Over Master's name was a combination of John Greystoke aka Tarzan, and E.R. Burroughs. Then there was mine.

“A horrible combination of Woodrow Wilson Smith, alias Lazarus Long, another character named Jacob Burroughs, and their author Robert Heinlein. Woodrow Jacob Heinlein. Mine sticks out like a sore thumb,” I said.

There were only two names that eluded everyone. IANCE said that the fake name he had was the fake name he used when the need arose. Mage however, was a little confused as to the origin of his fake name.

“I have no idea where that came from. It doesn't make any sense.” he complained.

“Well, who's your favorite character?” Anemoi asked.

“Harry Dresden. No wait! Vin. No! Mat from the Wheel of Time series. No, wait! Arrrg!” SCM held his head in frustration.

“I think I see the problem.” Calm said. Everyone else just nodded.

“I like Nimrod's name. It lets me say 'Morning Wood!' every time I see him in the morning.” IANCE said.

I rolled my eyes, “You really are a Jerkass, aren't you?”

IANCE nodded, “I've been saying that for some time now.”

“Well, you are not a total jerkass, as you've been translating for OM anyway,” I said.

“Actually, I can understand all of you much better now.” Over Master admitted.

“Oh?”

OM held up his hand so that the ring was visible on it. “Apparently this ring is helping me understand everyone's English.”

“I feel ripped off. All I got was pills in mine for my diabetes, which is a bit of letdown since we are in a pharmacy after all. Actually I didn't look through everyone's folder thoroughly. Did anyone get any nifty things?”

“Nope.”

“Not really.”

“I suppose I should see what is in the last two folders then, since they seem to be sort of important,” I said even as I wandered back to the counter.

“Important how?” Rikalous asked.

“Well, the first folder has four dollar signs at the top. Money is usually important if you are in a strange place,” I said, taking the file in question from the case and opening it. After giving the contents a quick perusal, I glanced up at the others and said, “Stock certificates.”

Having someone fall off the pharmacy roof and land on you after getting hit in the head by some sort of plastic case falling out of the sky will frustrate attempts at snarkiness.

The aforementioned person who fell on me was either unconscious or faking it rather well. One would be forced to wonder why that was.

Unfortunately the person who landed on me after he fell off the pharmacy roof, was keeping me from breathing, being as he was lying across my chest.

Having someone fall off the pharmacy roof and land on you after getting hit in the head by some sort of plastic case falling out of the sky will frustrate attempts at snarkiness.

The aforementioned was either unconscious or faking it rather well. One would be forced to wonder why that was.

Unfortunately he was also keeping me from breathing, being as he was lying across my chest.

"Stock certificates?" perked up the newly-arrived Brown. "To what? Are they bearer or registered?"

he paused for long enough that I very nearly abandoned diplomacy and tried something rash. Then she shrugged and lifted her stick so that it wasn't pointing menacingly at me anymore. “Whoever you were chasing,” she said as I went and retrieved my staff, “they know the system we have for anonymously hiring a little sword work. The dead drops and stuff.”

I didn't respond, being too busy heading off to resume my aborted chase. By this point, though, the trail could have substituted for a freezer. The culprit had been inconsiderate enough not to leave any footprints, out-of-place DNA, or signed notes bragging about their wicked deeds. I suspected Shirogami knew she'd delayed me long enough that letting me go wouldn't matter, and I resolved to share these suspicions with Rina before the child teacher decided how much detention to give her.

Returning to the scene of the crime proved slightly more fruitful, as I there discovered that the bulk of the exciting red liquid festooning the area was prop blood. Yuuki's only injuries were a few shallow cuts and a bruise to the back of the head. As an act of fakery, it was somewhat less impressive than Ares's spiriting away of Arika or Anya, but perhaps it would have been improved without my interruption. It was nice to think that the visit hadn't been an utter waste.

I was entirely unsurprised to hear the next day that the Drama Club wanted my aid in looking over the evidence of a break-in that had left them short a not inconsiderable amount of prop blood. Less expected was the distinctly increased level of tension among the student body, but the reason was soon made clear. Once again, last night's incident adorned the front page of the student newspaper, complete with Yuuki's bloodied picture. Maybe the school should just hire the damn Newspaper Club to do my job.

Sereg chuckled, “I know who you are then. You're fine.”