The Official Bad Puns Topic

Vent all of your Incredibly Lame Puns and Stealth Puns here, folks!

E.G. "If she's a virgin, go Slowbro."

Have pun! HURHURHUR

What does a Poke-pervert do? Pikachu!

I turn on my charmander pants come right off.

I only became an art thief out of desperation: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Y'know, I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...

Art theft! Art theft! The suspect on the run, was determined to be a midget fortuneteller. Thus, a small medium is at large.

Junk - The stuff we throw away.

Stuff - The junk we keep.

In Bal, bad jokes like that will get you PUNished...

I'm guessing Haven will like this topic, to the point where he'll take shelter in it.

edited 18th Jan '10 4:01:37 AM by Kinkajou

I asked for a mug of root beer before i fell off the ship. Why? Root beer floats.

edited 18th Jan '10 4:12:10 AM by Elmer36919

What is the heaviest fixture in the house? The sink.

Two American Football teams are on a tour of Europe and have a quiz to see which team can name most places in Holland. The game was won by a single Dutch Town.

Electivirus, I hope your puns don't make me sick.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

Two carrots were crossing the road when a driver ran over one of them. The other one took his friend to the hospital. There, he asked the doctor about his friend's fate.

The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he'll live. The bad news is that he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

ι (to π): "Get rational."

π (to ι): "Get real."

If Python isn't a snake, Lisp isn't a speech impediment, and Java isn't an island...

clearly, you are a programmer.

A traveling man spent the night at an English monastery. There, they fed him some excellent fish and chips. He went over to the kitchen to thank the cook, and he asked the man standing there: "Are you the fish fryer?"

"No, I'm the chip monk", was the reply.

Don't forget Perl not being a stone (although this one is really stretching it).

BUMP because I can:

In the Philippines, Optimus Prime has a huge heroic dick.

It Makes Sense in Context.

Also, we have a hero running for vice president.

There's a man, friend of the family, who is well-known at church and in social circles for causing actual physical injury with his puns. Carl Bower, these are for you.

P1: Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
P2: It's my bow of Eros.

And my second favorite Shaggy Dog Story:

Two strings decide to go out for a night on the town. They bum around for a little bit, catch a cab to the bar and hop inside. They get up on barstools and chat for a little bit while the bartender attends to other customers. Finally, the bartender turns to them. "What'll you boys hav- wait a minute. Are you two strings?" he asks. "Yeah, we're strings" one of the strings says. "Get the hell out!" the bartender shouts, "We don't serve strings in here!" One of the strings draws himself up, indignant, "Whaddaya mean you don't serve strings? You got a problem with us!?" The other string turns nervously to his friend and says, "Come on, now, let's just go. We don't want his liquor anyway..."

So they leave the bar and head across the street. Unfortunately, a very similar scene plays out in the next bar. Dejected, sitting on the curb, the strings start to complain to each other, "Man, what a waste of time and money. I really wish we had just stayed home and watched a movie or something." The other string doesn't respond, lost in thought. Finally, he says, "You know what? I'm going to get us some drinks." Perplexed, the other string asks, "How?" Voice filled with determination, his friend replies "Just watch me."

So the resourceful string jumps into the gutter and starts rolling around. He gets soaking wet, dirty and starts to come apart at the ends, and he becomes somewhat twisted and tangled. His friend watches on, very confused. The dirty, tangled string rolls himself into the nearest bar and hops up on a barstool. The bartender gives him a long, hard look, and finally asks, "You're not a string, are you?" The tangled string replies, "No...

(wait for it...)

(...little longer...)

I'm a frayed knot.

(If you don't get it, try saying that phrase out loud.)

My most favorite Shaggy Dog Story takes about six or seven solid minutes to tell, and is several pages long. Maybe I'll get around to adding it when I'm more inclined to do so.

edited 18th Jan '10 6:07:40 AM by Shrikesnest

The Kamen Rider Decade meme "It's all Decade's fault!" is rendered in romaji as "ONORE DICKEIDO!"

Thus, we can arrive at "ONORE DICK NIXON!" and say it's all Richard Nixon's fault.

What would the Gordian Knot say? That aside, LOL.

He'd say I'm "not a knot anymore", silly.

And you said Gordon Knot, lol.

edited 18th Jan '10 6:13:53 AM by Kinkajou

I adapted the frayed knot pun for Pretty Cool Guy:

I think Incredibly Lame Pun is a pretty cool guy. eh knows how to tie roep and isn't a frayed knot.

My most favorite Shaggy Dog Story takes about six or seven solid minutes to tell.

Oh no, not better Nate than Lever?

edited 18th Jan '10 7:54:32 AM by newtonthenewt

I make jokes so lame not even crutches help.