Tangently related: a problem that has been discussed on Trope Repair Shop (but amounted to nothing) is the fact florid prose isn't necessairly bad as of itself, which is a severe handicap of the trope (which paints all overwitten prose as a bad thing).
"All you Fascists bound to lose."
The future of warfare in UC.
...that is, like overwriting itself, a matter of opinion. I'd say that making the reader wade through too much gunk probably is bad.
Nous restons ici.Yes, but the problem at hand is that there is no trope for "good florid writing" (which definitely exists, otherwise about some 60% of all human writing is absolute shit). Beige Prose, for example, can be a either good or bad thing, but florid writing has no good/bad relationship, it's always bad trope-wise, which is definitely incorrect.
"All you Fascists bound to lose."
Impossible Gender Forge
That passage itself did not strike me as being overwrought.
It's maybe too detailed for my taste with all the laser-focused description, but overwrought? Not at all.
I'd say that it just needs all the excessive details and extra clauses taken out. A lot of the sentences are way too long due to all the detail as consequence; "Broken nails on rough hands," for example, could definitely have either detail cut and that would improve the flow greatly.
edited 28th May '14 12:00:16 PM by Sharysa
I was reading the review section of a story, and one reader gave a blunt review that said one of the chapters was over-written. I read through the examples he or she provided, and disagreed with the majority of them.
A creaking door was thrown open, and a heavy noxious scent filled the air, making her gag. A descent was undertaken, and though her vision was obscured by the heavy cloth, Sarah had a strong impression of enclosed space. Water dripped on stone, and the cave echoed with the hiss and gurgle of gaseous bubbles bursting in the gloom. As the lithesome parade ventured further, a now familiar headache began to assault her mind. Voices whispering eldritch chants began to slowly waft through the thick cloth, though she was hard pressed to tell whether it was real, or a creation entirely her own.
Eventually she was set down upon her knees. Rough hands with long broken fingernails dug into her shoulders, holding her in place. The noose was slipped off her neck, allowing her to breath deeply, though the foul air of the cave did nothing to encourage the action. Her blind was slipped off, revealing a cramped, ill-lit space of blood-red rock, soft-glowing fungi, and low hanging stalactites.
This part was, I quote, "peremptory, as if [the author] was shoving [words] in to increase their wordcount."
Purple Prose vs Beige Prose is often debated. The problem I have is, usually when someone describes the former to me, they use extremely, over-written examples. The reason I quoted the above is because this was one of the rare times when someone gave an example that barely scratched my radar.
I don't think it was over-written, at least the way the reviewer claimed.
The actual review is here, while the chapter is here. I bring this up now because it's only marginally relevant to the thread, and my request:
Can anybody provide examples from works they've written, studied, or read where they felt a passage was over-written? Be it a short story, novel, or fan fiction.
Bram Stoker's Dracula, for instance. That book had some long-ass speeches. Dracula's harping on about his family history? God. Yet it's somewhat fitting, as there are points where the narrator (the book is told in the first person, through records and correspondence) isn't able to record an entire conversation (though they do their darndest), yet the parts they do record are... lengthy.
edited 27th May '14 10:53:51 AM by FOFD
Akira Toriyama (April 5 1955 - March 1, 2024).