Joke thread

A guy comes home, and finds his wife having sex with his best friend. He immediately tells his wife, "I want a divorce."

To his best friend, he says, "Bad dog!"

You hear about the gamer who would kill to get an emoji of someone corpsing and sticking out their tongue at the same time? He'd kill for XP.

How many times can DragonForce record the same song?

At least eight more.

I don't get it...

I think it's a joke on how Dragon Force writes the same song over and over.

Bingo.

How did Davy Crockett like his pie?

Alamo'd.

Lose 6 pounds in 127 Hours with this one weird trick !

I'm suffering from emotional constipation. I haven't given a shit in days.

Very clever.

You know what happens when your kidney stones get worse?

They become adultney stones.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The police

The police who?

The police, we're afraid your mother is dead.

edited 14th Dec '15 5:58:49 AM by gregnes2000

Classic!

What isn't right?

Left.

Why did the raptor cross the road?

because it wanted to kill the chicken because everyone called it a giant chicken due to having feathers

What's the fastest fish?

the motor-pike

edited 14th Dec '15 11:38:21 AM by Bk-notburgerking

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

I hereby present: 10 cases of Anti Humour

What does an evil chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I have a gun.

Get in the van.

So, my friend just told me a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

As an antidote to the recent awfulness:

An Irishman walks into a bar, orders three shots of whiskey, and drinks them one after the other. The bartender notices that this soon becomes a regular event; every time the Irishman comes to the bar, he orders three shots at a time, and drinks them all down immediately.

The bartender's curiosity gets the better of him, and he asks the Irishman about this habit. The Irishman explains: "When I left Ireland to come to America, I made a pact with me two brothers. Whenever we each took a drink, we'd also take a drink for the others. That way, we can remain together in spirit, if not in the flesh." The bartender decides this is a charming sentiment, and nothing more is said about it.

Then one day, the Irishman comes in, but only orders two shots of whiskey, instead of the usual three. The bartender asks if something bad has happened to one of the brothers. "Oh no," says the Irishman, as he downs the two shots. "Me brothers are both fine. It's just that I've given up drinking for Lent."

Aw, that joke is so sweet. I appreciate that.

What is it called when a skeleton's fed up with something?

They're skele-done

So, I was hanging out at the bar the other day, when all the sudden the bartender stood up and announced that he'd give a hundred bucks to anyone who could down ten shots of vodka one after the other. The guy next to me looked around, and then left. He returned a few minutes later, and agreed to the bartender's challenge. To everyone's surprise, he managed to do it, although he wasn't particularly coherent by the end. True to his word, the bartender paid up, and the man sat down next to me again. I just had to ask him though, "Where did you go?"

He responded, "I went to the bar next door, to see if I could do it."

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

edited 17th Dec '15 8:06:17 AM by FryeGuy

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family