Joke thread

...Makes sense.

I just saw this one.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!

edited 9th May '14 11:06:02 PM by Demetrios

I hate people jumping onto short-lived religious bandwagons because a Christ is for life, not just for dogmas.

@spino: ... What?

I distinctly get the impression that I missed a crucial part of that joke.

\*is also confuzzled*

It's a play on the phrase "a dog is forever and not just Christmas."

edited 10th May '14 11:58:10 AM by Spinosegnosaurus77

OOOOOHHH.

pppfffttt HAHAHAHA.

It was pretty funny, actually.

We start at a school reunion, in the main hall, surrounded by people dancing, chatting and generally milling about. All about are glitter-sequinned decorations and long hanging curtains in deep blue. At one end the organisers have set up a self-service bar, where myriad beverages are available, from fine scotches to beer to fruit-juices for those who prefer to avoid alcohol. Almost all of these drinks, however, go all but untouched: it seems that all that anyone wants on this night is the punch: a delicious combination of various fruits (freshly-squeezed!) mixed with only the finest liqueur, producing a flavour both deep and surprisingly complex, with just enough alcohol to provide a buzz without making (most) people too drunk to properly enjoy it. Everyone wants it.

However, there's a problem: the space around the bar has been organised terribly. The nearest table stands just centimetres from the bar, and various tables, ornaments and other miscellanies are arranged haphazardly, resulting in no one, straight path to the bar, and thus several crooked, competing queues, ending in a tight squeeze once people finally reach the end. Had people been imbibing a variety of drinks and thus allowing more than one person to the bar at once, this might not have been a problem, but with everyone crowding to get at this one drink the queues ended up extending far in to the room.

Now, one man stood ready to do something about this, to rectify the entire situation in a single act, but for-

Actually, never mind.

Few people will likely enjoy that joke: it has a terrible punch-line.

:P

I might not get it, but I definitely appreciate a good anticlimax joke every now and again.

To explain: a synonym for "queue" is "line"; in the story, the queue/line for the punch-bowl was pretty horrible, making it a terrible "punch-line".

That reminds me a joke my friend came up with.

So there's this guy who's taking his girlfriend to the prom. He already asked her if she wanted to go, so he's on his way to pick out his tux. There's a fairly big line, so he stands in line, picks out his and makes the various arrangements.

Then, the day before the prom, he goes to pick up his tux from the dry-cleaner's. As expected, there was a pretty long line here, too. He waits in line, then gets his tux and goes home. He goes a few hours before prom the next day and picks up flowers for her. Again, there's a line. He waits, gets the flowers, goes home, and prepares to go to the prom.

Now, while he's at the prom, his girlfriend asks him, "Oh, could you please get me a glass of punch?"

There wasn't a punch line.

Badum-tish.

That reminds me of a joke I heard in a similar vein:

There was a homeless man standing outside a house, and he could hear laughing coming from inside the house. The man thought that the laughter would soon subside, but it did not.

Cackling emanated from the inside of the house through the streets for at least another ten minutes, before the homeless man could finally take no more. "What's so funny?" he yelled at the people inside the house.
To which one of them replied "Never mind, it's an inside joke."

edited 10th May '14 11:11:19 PM by CardsOfWar

George is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Screw it," he says. "I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day, he applies for a job at a supermarket, stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves and earning money. He spends very little and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the circus gates open, George races up, first in line to buy a ticket. The excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, passes by the freak show and buys a hot dog. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years… The Big Top.

George races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act, making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. As luck should have it, it lands on George, who can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and asks, "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." George replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No." "Are you the horse's tail?" "No." "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter. Everyone laughs, except for George, who stands there humiliated. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he walks home, still fuming with humiliation, George thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown when it hits him. George will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, he'll blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning George flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge when he finds an ad.

INSULT SCHOOL Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!

"This is just what I need!!!" says George. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

George goes to the insult school every day, studying hard so he can learn the harshest insults and get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out, George works his ass off. Then his day arrives…

As soon as the circus opens its gates, George barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's pissed off and hellbent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit – the animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts…

The dancing horses come out. George yawns. Then the elephants come out; George tries to stay awake. And then the act George has waited a year for – the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. George wonders why everyone is laughing; it's the exact same routine as last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, just like last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it again, it lands on George, who sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says, "Hey mister, are you the horse's head?" "No." George replies. "Are you the horse's ear?" "No." "Are you the horse's tail?" "No." "Then you must be the horse's ASS!!!!" And again the whole tent erupts with laughter, except for George. He stands there staring intently at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows some shit is about to go down. The crowd watches. This is George's moment. He takes a deep breath and shouts…

"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"

edited 13th May '14 3:18:09 AM by Spinosegnosaurus77

I love long jokes.

That's What She Said.

What's white, red, and black and has trouble getting through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.

I thought it was Maris.

I found this funny picture◊.

WHAT?! A 40K pic that isn't sad or violent? I love it. where did you find it? ~ships it~

I just typed "Sisters of Battle" in Google Image Search, and there it was.

I see. it's really cute.

Unfortunately the fluff doesn't support this as Space Marines only think about fighting.

edited 19th May '14 2:00:12 PM by Rosvo1

Yeah yeah, I know...Even so, it's great and I wish it could be canon.

I had enough of the soap opera stuff in the Dark Heresy game I was in.