Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
Ah, I see now. Guess I'm not an experienced hearer * of jokes - I was actually looking for some hidden clue behind 'The next day, a strange sound is heard from the tree, and it sheds an entire branch.' I thought that maybe if I thought long and deep enough about it, this would reveal something about the tree which would make the whole thing ridiculously funny.
In fact, from about halfway through the story onwards, I thought the clue would involve some weird property of the tree.
edited 10th Aug '12 6:12:12 PM by MidnightRambler
Mache dich, mein Herze, rein...
I know an unhealthy amount of racist jokes. I won't tell them though.
@ Crash. I got the point of your elephant joke, if it helps. 
Anti-humour is best humour, sometimes.
There's a Tory and a Labourite and a Lib Dem sitting at a table.
There are two people.
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
One that I came up with awhile back:
A German, a Jew, and a Pole walk into a bar...
...but it's not WWII anymore so nothing funny happens.
Somehow you know that the time is right.
I have an anti-joke that I forgot when I wrote my original post. Why is 6 afraid of 7? It isn't. Numbers are not sentient, and therefore not capable of human emotion.
I also have a Holocaust one that isn't too racist. But we shouldn't tell any Holocaust jokes because I have a family member that died in the Holocaust. He fell off the watchtower. that's the joke.
edited 10th Aug '12 8:17:18 PM by wuggles
The Groose Is Loose
I had a tough time sleeping last night. Some lady kept knocking on my door. Finally I had enough of it and let her out!
-ba dum tsh-
edited 10th Aug '12 8:16:39 PM by LooseCannon
Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me.
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
Oh, and regarding that "how many babies to paint a house" joke several posts back, I told that one to a friend in high school and he actually did the math and came up with a number (based on how much blood is in the baby, the size of the house, how much it takes to paint a square foot), but I forgot it.
Somehow you know that the time is right.
Aussie Tolkien freak
@Master Inferno: Ha ha ha.
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Aussie Tolkien freak
@Loose Cannon: Don't get it. Can you please explain?
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
The point is that the woman is locked inside the house, rather than locked out.
Aussie Tolkien freak
@Midnight Rambler: Ohhh
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
The bear gets frustrated and asks again. Again the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
The bear spots a nearby woman sitting at the bar and threatens to eat her if the bartender doesn't get him a bear. Again: "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."
So the bear eats the woman, then goes back to the bartender and asks, "NOW can I have a beer?" "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, who are on drugs."
"What? I'm not on drugs!"
"Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."
Somehow you know that the time is right.
Uniocular
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
They each order a beer, but when the waiter brings them around, each glass has a fly on the rim.
The Englishman demands a brand new beer, the Irishman simply flicks the fly on his beer away, and the Scotsman grabs the fly, starts shaking it and yells "Spit it out!"
"It's so hard to be humble, knowing how great I am."
FABRICATI DIEM, PVNC!
Everyone's heard this one already, but here goes:
As you might know, New York has been a very popular destination for Irish people. One Irish immigrant had a pub where he went every Friday on his way home from work. He always ordered three beers - no more, no less, an all in one go.
When this had been going on for a while, the bartender finally couldn't resist asking: "Why do you always order three beers all in one go?" The Irishman replied: "I have two brothers back in Ireland, and since we can't see each other very often, we decided that we'd all have three beers every Friday - one for each. That way, we could feel connected." The barkeep was very touched by this, so he gave the Irishman that week's round on the house.
Months later, a day came when the Irishman walked in the bar and ordered just two beers. The barkeep feared the worst: "Oh no! Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "No," replied the Irishman, "but I've decided to stop drinking."
Quod gratis asseritur, gratis negatur.
Aussie Tolkien freak
And there's this one:
One cow says to another cow, "Are you worried about this mad cow disease?"
"No, why should I be? I'm a possum."
edited 14th Aug '12 2:07:09 AM by MorwenEdhelwen
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
Two muffins are baking in an oven. One says to the other, "Damn, it's hot in here."
The other muffin says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
Somehow you know that the time is right.
Isn't it amazing, now I have princess wings!
A preacher wanted to raise money for the local chu- Oh wait, I already used that one on our jokes page.
Important lessons in management:
A bird was late in flying south for the winter and it got caught in a freak snowstorm. Lying on the ground frozen and on the verge of death, the bird was saved when a bull came by and left a steaming pile of its droppings on top of it. The bird was so happy to have been saved that it started singing. The singing was heard by a cat, who came over to the pile, dug out the bird, and promptly ate it.
Management Lesson No. 1: Not all those who drop shit on you are your enemies. Not all those who dig you out of shit are your friends. If you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
A pheasant was standing in a field, watching a bull grazing. He admired the bull's strength and asked how he might also achieve it. The bull suggested that the pheasant eat some of his droppings and thereby gain the necessary nutrients. The pheasant does so and immediately tries to scale a tall pole in the middle of the field, which he is able to do. While he is standing there admiring the view, the farmer who owned the field took out his rifle and promptly shot him.
Management Lesson No. 2: Bullshit will get you to the top but it won't keep you there.
A rabbit was wandering around when he came upon a crow, sitting on a branch and doing nothing. The rabbit was envious of the crow and came up to ask if he too could sit around doing nothing all day. The crow said, "Well, I don't see why not." The rabbit then sat under the branch upon which the crow was perched. A fox jumped out of the bushes and promptly ate him.
Management Lesson No. 3: If you want to sit around and do nothing, you had better be high up.
How do you put a dead baby in a cup?
Blender.
How do you get it out?
Straw.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Stop standing on it!
Wise Papa Smurf, corrupted by his own power. CAN NO LEADER GO UNTAINTED?!
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
How else can you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby.
Somehow you know that the time is right.
Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
I remember some more of those...
Alice and Bob are enjoying a lazy Sunday morning. Alice is taking a bath, and Bob is sleeping in. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Knowing that Bob is still asleep, Alice gets out of the bathtub and wraps herself in a towel to answer the door - it's their neighbour, Charlie. Upon seeing Alice, wet, steaming and almost naked, he says, 'I'll give you 500 euros if you drop that towel'. Alice hesitates for a moment, then drops the towel to the floor, revealing her luscious body. Charlie admires her for a second, then hands her five 100-euro notes and leaves without saying a word. A little confused by what has just happened, Alice goes back to her bath. By the time she gets out, Bob has risen. 'Hey, I thought I heard the doorbell a while back,' he says to Alice. 'Who was it?'
'Oh, eh, Charlie,' Alice replies, blushing.
'Ah,' Bob says, 'was he coming to pay me back those 500 euros he had borrowed?'
Management Lesson No. 4: Share important information with your stakeholders in time to avoid embarrassing situations.
A priest is driving in his car when suddenly he sees a nun standing on the pavement. She gestures at him to pull over; he does so, and she asks, 'Father, could you give me a ride to the monastery?'
'Of course, Sister, that's where I was going anyway. How convenient! Do get in!'
The nun gets into the car and the priest drives on; they converse for a while about all things monastical. Suddenly, the nun's habit falls open, revealing one of the most beautiful legs the priest has ever seen. He can't resist the temptation and lays a hand on her leg. The nun smiles and says, 'Remember Psalm 129, Father.'
'Mea culpa,' the priest says, and quickly removes his hand. However, a few minutes later, he lays his hand on her leg again; again, she says, 'Remember Psalm 129.'
'I'm sorry,' he says, 'the flesh is weak.'
Once they reach the monastery, the priest grabs the nearest Bible and looks up Psalm 129; it reads: 'Go on, and do not stop; go further, seek higher, go up, up, up, for there thou shalt find the Glory!'
Management Lesson No. 5: Always have very good factual knowledge, or you might miss great opportunities.
edited 14th Aug '12 10:58:17 AM by MidnightRambler
Mache dich, mein Herze, rein...
Aussie Tolkien freak
Midnight Rambler: ha ha ha
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Ich bin nicht schuld! 's ist Gottes Plan!
Protip: if you want to link to another troper, use the Troper/ namespace:
Tropers/MidnightRambler
gives you Midnight Rambler.
Mache dich, mein Herze, rein...
It's Like Arguing on the Internet
A Southern Baptist walks into a liquor store.
Somehow you know that the time is right.
Aussie Tolkien freak
@Midnight Rambler: Thanks for the tip!
The road goes ever on. -Tolkien
Nightmare Muse
A blind man and his seeing-eye dog walk into a bar. The man picks up his dog by the hind legs and swings it in circles over his head. The bartender, naturally, asks him what the hell he's doing, to which the man responds, "Don't mind me. I'm just looking around."
A general, a private, a young, attractive woman, and her mother are sitting together on a train. When the train enters a tunnel, everything goes pitch black. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap.
The mother thinks, "That young man stole a kiss from my daughter, and she rightfully slapped him."
The daughter thinks, "That young man tried to kiss me, but he got my mother by mistake, and she slapped him."
The general thinks, "The private kissed that girl, and she meant to slap him, but she hit me instead."
The private thinks, "I'm pretty smart. I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the general."
A man is engaged to be married to the love of his life. In the days leading up to the wedding, however, he's noticed that the fiancee's younger (and, he admits, hotter) sister has been acting rather flirtatiously around him, making double entendres, bending over a lot, and so forth. Finally, the day before he wedding, he drives to his fiancee's house to see her and is greeted by the sister, who is wearing only her underwear. Before he can react, she plants a long kiss on him, and says that a man like him could have any woman he wanted. The sister walks up the stairs, takes her bra off, throws it at him, and says she'll be waiting. The man immediately turns around and walks back to his car. The rest of the family emerges from hiding and embraces him, overjoyed that he passed their little test.
The moral: Always keep your condoms in the glove box.
Panhandling sign glued to hands. Need $5 for solvent.
I suppose my post and edits got lost under the ninjas. I updated my previous post with an analysis of the elephant joke, including a couple of points about jokes in general.
Quod gratis asseritur, gratis negatur.