Cuba Libre

I like the meandering and extraneous side details. Wheezy, your version is cleaner and clearer, but sounds less like a child's voice. It's got the flavor of an adult voice, editing what doesn't need to be said out.

I'm explaining this badly, I think, but in accepting that what I am reading is the journal of a child, probably between 10 and 13, I accept that the thought progression and sentence structure is not going to be as linear and tidy as I would prefer.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think that the rambling, digressive nature of Morwen's version hurts it. It helps me stay in the mind of a child.

edited 2nd Sep '12 8:15:18 AM by Madrugada

@Madrugada: Actually, it's a 14-year-old. And I'm still looking for a beta reader. (They'll get to read all the other pages)

edited 2nd Sep '12 3:13:58 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

I'll beta for you. I can't make promises about when I'll get back to you with comments, but I'd like to watch it take shape.

And even at 14, the narrator's voice fits.

@Madrugada: Thanks. I'll PM you my email address, if that's OK with you. BTW, maybe I need two betas. That might be too much to ask but I want to be sure that the cultural details are accurate and that the characters sound Cuban.

edited 2nd Sep '12 6:15:12 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

I tend to be particular about cultural details.

I think I'll be too busy for a while to take on any more commitments, but I'll let you know.

edited 3rd Sep '12 6:21:23 PM by Wheezy

I'm curious, but how come this story gets its own thread? Don't most stories have to go in one of the Constructive Criticism stickies?

@Jabrosky: There's a waiting list for those.

I understand, those things can really test your patience. Anyway, I'd probably appreciate your story a lot more if I knew anything about Cuban history, but I admire the amount of research that must have gone into this. Is this your first draft?

I'm not going to say most, but a good portion of Troper projects have their own threads.

@Jabrosky: Yes. Thanks for the compliment.

@Wheezy: Please, please let me know. Could you give me cultural input? You seem to know what you're talking about.

edited 4th Sep '12 4:17:49 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

I just edited one of the earlier paragraphs, which include ShoutOuts. I wonder if anyone can spot them?

edited 4th Sep '12 6:21:22 PM by MorwenEdhelwen

I don't know many Cubans personally, so I can't give cultural input that would necessarily be that accurate.

And I can't make promises for regular feedback, but I'll keep reading as long as I have time, at least.

edited 4th Sep '12 6:50:37 PM by Wheezy

OK, well, can you give a bit at least? I assume you know a few things.. Also, do you mind if I PM you my email address?

Edit from second draft:

Saturday May 26

Finally opened the package. It was wrapped in brown paper and sealed with yards of tape. There was a note in Fidel’s handwriting: The señora asked me to give you this package. You’re ment to open it soon as you red the note. Fidel. I found a carrier current transmitter and a new blue spiral-bound notebook. What the hell? She came back this morning. I had the biggest argument I’ve had with an adult. “Good morning, Che. How’ve you been?” My chance. I cleaned my hands on the towel and hobbled out of the kitchen. Celia told me to scrub the floor of all the crumbs. Some of them were dropped by Miguelito and Chelo.

I cleared my throat. “I’m OK, señora. How are you? I’ve been thinking about your note.” I glanced at her. She said, “I’m OK. ”

“So what were you going to tell me that’s so difficult to say in a note?” I asked.

She cleared her throat. “Well, Celia told you all those years ago that you’re a clone, right?”

“Yeah. Where are you going with this?”

“You were created to be a revolutionary. We had you made as a copy of El Che, but some other stuff got mixed in.“

My mouth dropped open. “So that’s why I’m different?” “Yes. That’s why you’re different to Che. We didn’t do it again and gave you to Celia and Fidel to raise. Looking like this makes you a bit of an individual.” Even if you ARE basically Che Guevara, was what she meant.

“You’re a covert operative. ” she said.

“Wait, what?” I turned back to her.

“You’re a covert operative.” she repeated. “Do you want a definition?”

“No. Just explain.”

“So I’m a—“

“An infiltrator. Like I said, a guerrilla.” She put her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. I smelt her perfume. “My own little Che Guevara. I’m so proud of you. And I love you.”

edited 13th Sep '12 1:14:17 AM by MorwenEdhelwen