himitsu keisatsu
It's funny when the first line can be ono... onoma... that word that means the sound that things make in written form and a warning for the story's contents.
himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari
World's Cutest Direwolf
It is one of the great tragedies of the English language that "onomatopoeia" doesn't make a good sound effect for anything.
...trickling water?
ophelia, you're breaking my heart
So way back when the author of Lily's Changes blocked me from PMs because of my scathing comments on the first three chapters, turns out that prevents me from writing reviews.
I had logged in on a whim because I felt it was worth pointing out that his version of Harry was literally a sexual predator, as none of the other reviewers seemed to catch on to that.
edited 3rd Oct '14 11:34:05 AM by Pannic
Fanfiction I hate.
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
What you do mean? What did he do?
Goes back in time to the start of book one. Meets Hermione on the train, sits in the compartment with her, surreptitiously sealing the door so they have complete privacy while he proceeds to manipulate her. He lies to her about Ron and his family, later in the story going so far as to tell her that he and his family are Pureblood supremacists and that's why they have so many kids. He also curries her favor by somehow convincing Draco Malfoy that she's the heir of Ravenclaw (and encouraging her to go along with the charade), among other things he does with the intention of hooking up with her when they get older.
edited 3rd Oct '14 11:40:45 AM by Pannic
Fanfiction I hate.
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
himitsu keisatsu
Because the fic was written by monkeys!
himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari
The future of warfare in UC.
Good sir, you impunge the honor of the monkeys. When something has reached this level of badness, it was written by walruses.
Nous restons ici.
himitsu keisatsu
B-But... I am the walrus... And I didn't write that...
himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari
The way the story treats the Weasley twins is pretty shit, too.
Like, the author doesn't like that they were slack-off pranksters who didn't do their homework. So when totally-not-ripped-off-from-that-other-story Quirrell takes over Hogwarts, he gets a new idea for detention instead of things like lines or things that people usually do for detention: you have to listen to Professor Binns give a lecture on a random goblin rebellion or something and then take a test on it. If you don't pass the test, you have to do detention again.
So the twins get one of these detentions and have to do it so many times that when they do get out of detention, they never do their slacking off or pranks again and they become good little by-the-book schoolboys. Because fuck things like creativity or having pursuits outside of academia.
Not to mention that that's a stupid fucking idea for detention, because that kind of one-size-fits-all approach is going to result in people who are disproportionally penalized by the system.
And the author seems to think that Pepperup Potion is the wizarding equivalent of coffee.
edited 3rd Oct '14 1:16:52 PM by Pannic
Fanfiction I hate.
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
Seriously, though, why did they have Harry do...that?
Because the author, while happy to spend chapters denouncing the heinous actions of Dumbledore, at no point stopped to considering the implications of Not-Harry's actions.
Standard procedure with these fics, really. They turn Harry into a douchebag who gets away with being a dick to everyone.
He probably thought that Harry was being clever and was doing Hermione a favor and not, y'know, being a sexual predator.
edited 3rd Oct '14 1:20:06 PM by Pannic
Fanfiction I hate.
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
Okay, but why does Harry (and the author, for that matter) think that doing this is a good idea? That's really the crux of my question here.
Oh God! Natural light!
Because fuck Ron, ship Harry/Hermione.
I doubt their thought process went beyond that.
Fanfiction I hate.
himitsu keisatsu
Because the author thinks it's a good idea. There's absolutely no other reason why. The author wants it to happen, most likely because it's easy to replace Harry with himself so he wants 'Harry' to get all the good things the author wishes he had.
Wish fulfilment at its shittiest.
The author used his author avatar, also known as Not Lily Potter, to basically bash everyone on the good side he didn't like (means: Everyone but the women he has the hots for), and 'redeem' the absolutely evil and monstrous guys on the evil side (by basically blaming their 'evilness' on something that his Self Insert can easily fix).
edited 3rd Oct '14 1:25:30 PM by IAmNotCreativeEnough
himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
Okay, what's Harry's thought process in the story? That should probably give us an insight into the author's.
I am desperate to come up with a rational explanation for all of this, in case you didn't notice.
edited 3rd Oct '14 1:26:01 PM by KarkatTheDalek
Oh God! Natural light!
himitsu keisatsu
There is no thought process to Harry's actions.
Lilisn't told him to do it. So he's doing it. Keep in mind that she told him to do all this after telling him that all of his friends were not really his friends, and that Tom Marvolo Riddle was a good person.
himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
And what was Evil-Thing-From-The-Abyss-Who-Has-Taken-On-The-Form-Of-Lily's rationale for this, if there was any to begin with?
Because she doesn't approve of Hermione hooking up with Ron even though it's absolutely none of her fucking business, and suggests Harry hook up with her instead.
And she disapproves of him hooking up with Ginny because, I shit you not, "Any type of romantic relationship needs to be between two equals."
Oh yeah, and Harry hooks up with Luna, too. Makes nice with her while giving her summer lessons to help her prepare for school, so I'm gonna call sexual predator on that, too.
edited 3rd Oct '14 2:33:02 PM by Pannic
Fanfiction I hate.
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
Well, there's something to be said for equality in marriage, but I take issue with the claim that Harry and Ginny aren't equals.
Harry isn't that powerful...
Oh God! Natural light!
himitsu keisatsu
Yanno, that made me think...
This is a Wizard society, right? So their power would be based on their INT score, which is accompanied by the fact that the strongest wizards also tend to be the most intelligent ones, such as Dumbledore, Voldemort, Snape, etc...
Which means that Harry would be very much Hermione's inferior, simply because she's leaps and bounds above him in terms of intelligence.
himitsu keisatsu seifu chokuzoku kokka hoanbu na no da himitsu keisatsu yami ni magireru supai katsudou torishimari
The future of warfare in UC.
There's more to it than that, though, as Moody and Bellatrix sadly prove.
Nous restons ici.
Not as angry as the name would suggest.
Actually, I'd say Moody is almost certainly Properly Paranoid. You have read the books, right?
As for Bellatrix...I don't know.
Oh God! Natural light!
CRACK!
James looked up from the paper he'd been reading from atop his porcelain throne. 'What was that? It sounded like it came from the front door.'
“POTTERS!” came the cry from his living room. James recognized the voice immediately. It was the voice of the Dark Lord Voldemort. “SURRENDER THE CHILD OF THE PROPHECY, OR I SHALL KILL YOU AND TAKE HIM MYSELF!”
“Oh shit,” said James, reaching for the toilet paper to clean up after himself. “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh-” The sound of spells tearing apart his house sped up his haste. He could hear Lilly shouting something. “Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG!” Grabbing his wand, he pointed it at his posterior. “Scourgify- AAARG!”
Wincing in pain, James stood up, pulled up his pants, set his wand at the side of the sink, and washed his hands as quickly as possible. He then threw open the bathroom door and began limping as quickly as possible to his son's bedroom.
Pushing open the door, he spotted the Dark Lord facing his son's crib, wand raised dramatically above his head. James went for his own wand, only to realize he'd left it in the bathroom. Thinking quickly, he grabbed the nearest heavy object, a book, and threw it at Voldemort's head.
Unfortunately for the Dark Lord Voldemort, the book in question was War and Peace. “AVADA KAD-ACK!” Down went the Dark Lord, delivered unto unconsciousness via a book to the head. Quickly, James rushed back to the bathroom to retrieve his wand.
Upon returning, James found the Dark Lord struggling to his feet, though he seemed fairly disoriented. “Reducto,” said James, and watched as the Dark Lord's head splattered across the room. A misty form abruptly shot out of the body and through the ceiling, but Voldemort himself continued to lie on the ground, a corpse.
“Thank god,” said James, lowering his wand. “I made it in time. Lilly, I did it! I saved Harry! You can come out from wherever you're hiding now. ...Lilly?” Upon failing to hear a response, James walked over to Harry's crib, intending to check on his son. At which point he spotted his wife's corpse.
“...Aw shit.”