Writing Sex Scenes

Everytime I google this I always get "check your grammar!" or "Write realistically". I get that, but how do you get around the awkwardness of writing a sex scene? For me, I always get this feeling that it's creepy, even though I know it's not. I just can't escape that mindset...

Any tips? What problems do you have?

I've already said these things a lot, but here they are, all in one place:

1. Keep the direct details and mechanics to a minimum. How the audience fills in the blanks is always going to be "better" than what you can actually write, with very few exceptions.
2. External sensory detail should be simple yet evocative. Following the first, what you say where you could be talking about something else says a lot in and of itself.
3. Weird euphemisms are weird. Metaphor in and of itself is not a bad thing, but unless you are trying to invoke absurdity or awkwardness, avoid being either too florid or specific.

Please note that this advice is coming from someone who is no great fan of reading or writing sex scenes, but who can appreciate quality when they see it.

Don't. Usually, all the reader needs to know is the fact that it happened. Unless the details themselves are somehow relevant to the plot (which I would probably never do, but could be possible in theory), there's no need to elaborate, and it can easily backfire.

edited 5th May '12 8:37:57 PM by nrjxll

and

Note that in the writing of erotic ficiton, the above advice may not work as well. I have a book about the history and techniques of erotic fiction but im too lazy to dredge up quotes.

I particularly disagree with Nrjxll due to the simple fact that everything in a story is pointless if all you care about is pure plot. You can sum up most books in a few hundred words. Sex scenes, fight scenes, dramatic deaths, troppy dreams, and witty dialogue are all worthless in that regard, but people enjoy reading them, so I will encourage authors to write them.

edited 5th May '12 8:57:43 PM by Stormthorn

Well, that goes without saying. But I have no interest in ever writing erotic fiction, and (more importantly), from the sound of it neither does the OP.

We aren't talking about erotica... What nrjxll said.

As do I.

edited 5th May '12 8:58:59 PM by JHM

I think you missed my point...

If the OP was not then he can feel free to disragard that first part of my post. My disagreement with Nrjxll's take on sex scenes still stands.

And i took his point exactly as he wrote it. He said not to include the details of them unless the details are plot-relevant.

edited 5th May '12 8:59:45 PM by Stormthorn

Okay, to clarify, that's specifically addressed to the OP, who has expressed a discomfort with writing sex scenes. My position is not necessarily that sex scenes are unnecessary and therefore should never be written; it's that they're unnecessary and so you don't have to write them if you don't want to, unless they're the primary focus of your story (which we've ruled out). I'd give the exact same advice to someone who doesn't like writing fight scenes, as long as they weren't writing an action-focused work.

Also, and unrelated to the actual discussion: what the heck are "troppy dreams"?

edited 5th May '12 9:03:05 PM by nrjxll

Well, if you really aren't comfortable writing them then go ahead and use a Sexy Discretion Shot, but if you're dead-set on seeing how they're done well, go read some of David Gemmell's books; he uses a tasteful blend of discretion and outright erotica.

If a sex scene adds nothing to your story other than sex for its own sake, it should not be in your story. Details should be able to justify themselves, be it by establishing character, furthering plot or simply telling you more things about the world of the tale. One can even do so for the purposes of deception, throwing in an unimportant detail disguised as an important one so as to change the focus of the reader for narrative purposes. But wasting words is wasting words.

Also, the OP's a she.

It's a misspelling of "trippy."

Also, my sentiments exactly.

Oh, QWERTY...

edited 5th May '12 9:11:25 PM by JHM

It is indeed a misspelling of trippy. The I and the O are next to each other on my keyboard.

And if the OP doesnt want to write them out fo personal aversion, rather than just being uncertain how to, then Nrjxll's advice is sound. No one should feel forced to write anything they dont want to.

I am not, however, of that whole...as the above person put it "wasting words is wasting words" school. I wont write minimalist works without reason. There isnt some limit on how long something can be or how lush the detailing can be and I wont condemn an author for flowery language.

edited 5th May '12 9:15:02 PM by Stormthorn

While I absolutely am of that school (and have stated my hatred of Purple Prose repeatedly and vocally), that wasn't the point I was making. I simply meant that as there is very little reason the OP would ever need to write a sex scene, she(?) could simply skip over them if she wanted.

Personally, I'm going to have to ape nrjxll here: I strongly advise you not to write a sex scene. (ESPECIALLY if you have not...Oh how do I say this...Had that experience yourself...Sorry, had to be asked.)

From what I understand and have seen, they're extraordinarily hard to do well. Go extra-light on the details if you decide to write one.

edited 5th May '12 9:40:51 PM by Archereon

If you want to establish a relationship between characters, you can do that with the way the act before and afterwards without needing to show the actual 'deed'. You could do the whole 'fade to black' thing, or even just withdraw and describe things very generally.

I don't really write them much myself, but I guess my advice would be don't change your style for them. Don't suddenly go purple-prosey or beige, and don't make the characters change voice.

There is a difference between flowery language and wasting words. Lush description can be extremely useful in conveying particular emotions, ideas and states of mind. "Wasting words" is when you throw things like excess description into your story for no other purpose or reason than because you can without regard to the flow of the narrative—something which I am strongly opposed to.

edited 5th May '12 9:46:47 PM by JHM

As has been said, it's not the act itself that needs the most attention, it's the lead-in and (if needed) the aftermath.

This is truth whether you're writing erotica or whether you're writing a sex scene as part of a story.

Sex scenes are also a minefield in terms of saying things that could make someone dislike your book. The number of times I've seen someone mention "they used THAT WORD and I just couldn't read any more after that". For any word for any part of genitalia or the sexual act, there's someone for whom that's a red flag, shut-the-book-and-never-come-back moment.

I don't know if I fully agree with that. Personally, yes, I'm a big fan of lead-in and aftermath and often find the actual details boring, but I think it depends on what you're trying to do. The actual physical act of sex is, obviously, extremely intimate, and what someone does and doesn't do and the attitudes they take during sex can be extremely revealing, both of their own character and their relationship to their partner(s), and that can serve an important purpose in the story, as well as potentially bring the audience closer to them emotionally.

Personally though I tend to avoid sex scenes because they bring a lot of baggage, as Morven says, and most of what they communicate can be done elsewhere in a family-friendly way. I think it's an interesting technical challenge for a writer though and I respect it when it's done well.

This could not be more true. It's why I brought up weird euphemisms/metaphors in the first place: There are certain terms and descriptions that are going to immediately make certain people run for the hills, and for good reasons.

Also quite correct, or at least accurate to my own way of thinking. (Most things are subjective.)

edited 6th May '12 4:58:56 AM by JHM

I just came accross this yesterday. Limyaael's advice is usually pretty solid.

If you don't feel like you can pull it off, though, I'm going to have to agree that you probably shouldn't. There's nothing wrong with a fade out if that's what you're comfortable with writing.

Good advice there.

Attempting to transcribe the experience of sex is the impossible dream of writers. You will fail. Always, and every time, you will fail. No one has ever succeeded and no one ever will. By the time they have the words they lack a half-dozen other things like pacing.

However, the method in which you fail may be of use to you if you're trying to emphasize one particular aspect of what is going on. Otherwise don't bother.

(A similar difficulty surrounds genuine prayer.)

What makes you so qualified to judge every sex scene ever written?

To defend Night here, might I point out that trying to convey almost any emotionally and sensually complex action with accuracy is going to result in an incomplete view.