Outline for an Urban Fantasy Story

Slim and Cain are members of the Boy Scouts or their world's equivalent thereof (still not clear on that) who one day decide to sneak out at night and explore the local haunted house. It is guarded by spooks, so they have T.J, (neighborhood chew-toy extraordinaire) serve as a distraction. Once they are inside and have explored for a bit they find a maiden in red chained to a dungeon wall. She tells them that she was imprisoned by the cruel owner of the mansion and held there ever since. Despite Cain's suspicions (how has she survived all this time, and what could drive the mansion owner to ensure that she remained sealed here even after he died?) Slim breaks her loose without much thought.

At once the spooks sense their prisoner has been released and set off to chain her back up while turning whoever freed her into spooks as punishment. T.J, who was finally beginning to make friends, is alone yet again. Slim and Cain, meanwhile, must run for their lives and barely escape while keeping them. The maiden thanks them. Cain demands to know why she was imprisoned in the first place. She says she'll explain tomorrow but is too exhausted to say much on the matter tonight. Slim asks if he can at least know her name. She smiles and says, "Lacielle." Slim and Cain return home and get chewed out by their respective parents. Then they go to sleep.

The next day they wake up to find the spook have given the town of Shannondale an ultimatum: Return the Scarlet Witch to their custody or they'll turn the whole town into spooks looking for her. This brings warning bells off in both Slim and Cain's heads. They tell their respective parents what happened last night, and their parents tel the mayor. The mayor decides to use the kids as bait to lure the witch out and a panicked town hall does nothing to oppose this measure despite their mothers' pleas. With some skilled detective work they track the "maiden in red" to the outskirts of town where they try and convince her to come quietly while the police listen in on the conversation.

From the get go she makes it clear she is very disappointed in them both. Slim exclaim that the spooks are going to turn the whole town into more of them if she does not comply. This does not phase her. She says she cares nothing for the people of the town, as centuries ago they tried to burn her despite having done nothing wrong, the mansion-owner tried to use her to his own advantage, and the current generation are clearly using two people she likes as bait. Cain snarks, "Nothing wrong? You mean [U]besides[U] being a witch?" She scowls at Cain and then asks, "And what is wrong with that? It's a part of one's ancestry that grants unusual powers which just happen to inspire hate and fear from the rabble." Then she tells them that she'll forgive them if they side with her.

Cain's response? "Whether you'll innocent or not, that "rabble" you speak of happens to include my [U]family[U] who will be turned into spooks if you aren't caught." And then he says, "Slim will feel the same way." This is before he notices that Slim has already walked up to Lacielle's side. He tells his friend that by modern standards there would be no reason to imprison Lacielle for something she'd been born as rather than what she did. "If the spooks turn the town into more spooks, that is their evil. It shall not stop me from from protecting an innocent." Finally the police make their move, surrounding the area, threatening to open fire. When they get no response, they open fire only to find their bullets stopped in mid-air and then fall to the earth. Lacielle then warns them that she will not hesitate to kill them if she is pursued further. Cain, angry as hell, charges at her anyway. With a pocket knife in one hand and the other drawn into a fist. She laughs and then uses her powers to pin him to the ground and is about to kill him with his own knife when Slim begs her not to. With great reluctance, she respects his wishes, merely knocking him out instead.

When he wakes up, he finds himself in town full of bodies. Not dead bodies, merely bodies that have had their souls ripped out and converted into spooks. Lacielle and Slim are nowhere to be found, while the spooks have doubt left in search of her. Cain is alone. Until he finds T.J. He has never been so happy to see T.J. When asked why they didn't turn him into a spook, he says, "Because they like me. They like me so much they want me to speak for them. They spared you because they know you won't rest until the Scarlet Witch is brought to justice." Cain's heart hardens some more. "Yes, but not for you or your new friends. I'll do it for all the people they have harmed and all the people they will harm until she is caught. You can count on it!" And so Cain wanders off towards the horizon under a beating sun.

Fade to black. What do you think?

It doesn't sound very original. Also, you mean 'faze', not 'phase'.

So the formula's been done before? Where?

edited 28th Mar '12 10:12:28 AM by goldenerasuburb

Nothing is original, everything is a remix

Do you mean the mini web documentary everything is a remix? Because that was pretty good.

edited 10th Dec '12 12:49:00 AM by GraySloth

It's not exactly groundbreaking, but I wouldn't say it's cliché either. Seems like it could be a perfectly adequate basis for a story. Boys find and unknowingly free witch, get punished by guardian ghosts, end up caught in supernatural crossfire, it works.

About outlines though: I'm not an expert, but I think you could probably neaten this up a bit. I think in general an outline shouldn't have dialogue or describe details unless they're plot-critical.

Also 'Cain' is a little unnecessarily cool as a name. Slim is plausible as a nickname but where the heck does one get a name like 'Cain'?

edited 10th Dec '12 8:23:56 AM by Kesteven

Hey, It's from the bible. :)

Maybe his parent's simply didn't have time to read through it.

It's also a reasonably common last name. Between it sounding cool and a potentially embarrassing first name, I can easily see someone opting to use it as their preferred name.

Huh, never knew that. I retract the objection, then, although it is still a tad on the sueish side in my opinion.