Please read the rules below before posting. We're taking turns to post text, and text posted out of turn will be hollered.
The discussion over at the "Is being Troperiffic a Bad Thing?"
thread got a few of us seriously talking about starting a full-fledged, free for all dedicated ConCrit thread. Thanks go to your friendly neighborhood Herald, Chihuahua0, for giving this the go-ahead 
This is how it's going to work:
- This thread is for helping people improve as writers. Please stay away from needlessly gushing or needlessly being mean when handing out criticism.
- No mentioning your own work when giving out criticism. This is to prevent "Let's talk about ME" derails.
- Feedback will be given to one person at a time. We're taking a deliberately slow pace; a person's turn to get feedback is generally supposed to last a week, but we're not ending someone's turn until they get feedback from at least five different people. On the other hand, the person getting feedback can end their own turn if they figure they're done.
- When a turn ends, we wait 12 hours to see if anyone of the people who have just given feedback wants to be up next. If they don't, we pick the person up next from the feedback request list.
- Yes, it's okay to point out spelling and grammar errors made by the person you're giving feedback to.
- If you're unfamiliar with the original verse of a piece of Fan Fiction up for feedback, pretend it's a piece of original fiction and criticize accordingly.
- If and when you step up to receive feedback:
- Post actual writing (not world-building, concepts, layouts, character lists and so on).
- Be specific in what you are looking for, or at least mention what is troubling you the most.
- Fan Fiction is fine, but take into account that anyone not familiar with the source material will judge your piece "blind", essentially by the same standards as original fiction. This means you might get called out on flaws that fan fiction usually gets away with in practice, perhaps even justifiably so. Just like any other kind of criticism, consider it or ignore at at your discretion.
- Be ready to hear some things you probably didn't want to hear. This should go without saying, but, please: No being bitter, being sarcastic, calling people out for "going too far" or otherwise expressing disapproval of the criticism given to you. If you think people are being unfair to your writing, make your case civilly.
With that said, I suppose we can begin and see whether this goes anywhere. The first person to respond with a post to the extent of "I'll go first" will go first.
edited 17th Feb '12 5:07:01 PM by TripleElation
Who Am I?
@Inigo: Ah, so you were going for emotional detachment with Alex. That's fine, it just wasn't clear. The simplist way to write a detached person is to have that character and a more emotionally grounded one (Jane is the obvious choice, but it doesn't have to be) react to the exact same thing in different ways. An emotionally connected person experiences some degree of empathy- that is they share the emotional reaction they observe in someone else. If someone gets hurt, they flinch. If someone gets a pleasant surprise, they laugh along with them. An emotionally detached person takes advantage of the opportunity- how will depend upon their goals as a character. Since you state that Alex is there to take advantage of the opportunities a boarding school for girls can offer, you have to decide what opportunities she is most interested in. Is she a social climber, does she want to be popular? Or is she mostly focused on a future career after graduation? Is she trying to adopt the mannerisms that will allow her to be accepted by a higher social strata? Depending on your answer to these kinds of questions, that will determine how Alex would react to, say, vicious gossip about another girl, or someone's failed attempt to flirt with a teacher, or a late night drinking session with another girl who seems socially aware but is self-isolated. Give it some thought.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."
Virile Member
I will and I'll also edit the dialogue to make clearer who is speaking when. I asked you a bunch of other stuff but I assume you don't have the time to answer it all and you rightly focused on the one I had said was the most important. Thanks for your help, it's much appreciated :)
To everyone else: Can I have some more?
I got a little busy when I got home and wasn't sure if I'd be able to get through this by a reasonable time.
Luckily, it was a page-turner. Jane's narration is super-sharp and vivid. She's pragmatic and irreverent to a level I haven't seen in my relatively small pool of experience with teen protagonists, which is super-appealing to someone who doesn't like most teen leads in literature. The bits about cryptography and computer architecture also made me squee, as a senior-level computer science and engineering major. I also didn't think there were any romantic undertones to Jane's description of Menzies- it read more like the kind of mild, not-really-malicious mocking I remember doing at that age with any teacher who did somewhat amusing things during class.
The biggest negatives that I remember are largely the same as Marquis's- Alex's narration wasn't near as vivid as Jane's, and I lost track of who was talking during the longer conversations. Although it had a similar kind of irreverence to Jane's narration that managed to hold my attention at first, Alex's characterization was not conveyed as well and her narration also seemed much harder to follow, possibly because the emotional detachment element wasn't shown too well. As for the conversations, what I'd do to fix that is interspersing the dialogue with some more actions. Soandso does something, then their dialogue in the same paragraph. That may also help distinguish the other girls a bit more, since I found them to be nearly interchangeable, and it's not yet clear if I should be keeping track of them or to what extent.
Good start, though. Glad I could help.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
Virile Member
Sorry for not responding earlier. Crystal, thanks a lot for your feedback
My turn is now up, as you mentioned it has lasted more than long enough. Thanks everyone.
MIA
So, who's next?
MIA
Uhm... you. Ready to go, Ewolf?
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
MIA
? I swear that someone else was next but alright.
MIA
Yeah, you're up, according to the waitlist. Repost the link to your submission here and tell us what you need help with. Be proactive and guide your critique session.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
MIA
I need help with dialogue, characters, format, and story.
MIA
Who Am I?
You also need to add a link, or I cant read it.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."
It's on the waitlist, but you should always, always repost a direct link to your submission when you ask for critique, even when it's not explicitly required to do so.
Protip: when you're asking people for help, make it as easy as you can for people to help you and you'll get better answers faster.
EDIT: Ninja'd, but please don't forget to do that next time. *goes back to work*
edited 26th Jan '17 10:36:08 AM by CrystalGlacia
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
MIA
how can i translate to prose after rewriting it?
MIA
Who Am I?
Ewolf, I cant open the pdf file in my browser.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."
MIA
well snap. tried downloading it?
MIA
Who Am I?
It suddenly started working. Weird. I just loaded Lubuntu on my laptop, so maybe that had something to do with it. Anyway, am reading.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."
MIA
any things that need to be fixed.
MIA
Who Am I?
OK, so this is a script right? The writing style isn't appropriate for a script. Take the first sentence: "The forest is serene." That isn't how you say it- a script is objective description for the illustrator or director (whichever this is). So- A forest scene, night. [sound fx: forest at night, cricketss] [light fx: fireflys].
Or something like that. The point is a script is a set of directions- you're providing enough information that someone could recreate the scene. It doesnt need the sort of tone setting narrative conventions that, say, a novel would have. So a sentence like "The echoes of crickets and the gathering of fireflies embellished the woods with a bright and eerie atmosphere" (aside from the awkward grammer) is too flowery and a wordy for a script.
Unless that's what you really want to write- a story. In that case, take out the script conventions like "Fade In" or "Int. Forest - Night" and just write the story.
So I think you have to make a decision.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."
MIA
that was a plain simple review but thanks. one last thing though, what about the plot or characters?
MIA
Who Am I?
Havn't got that far yet. Be patient.
"We learn from history that we do not learn from history."
Can I get some feedback for my superhero story, Protectors? I'm six chapters in, and I think once I get to the tenth chapter I'll create a TVTropes page for it. I could use pointers for the story and characters, as well as any writing tips in terms of format.
Link.
Add yourself to the bottom of the waitlist and we'll give it a look when it's your turn.
"Jack, you have debauched my sloth."
Alright, thanks.
Author.
MIA
are done reading my work, guys?
MIA
Whoops. Yeah, no, I'm done. I've gotten a lot out of it, so thanks. There's a reason the chimeras know more words than they should, but that reason won't be revealed until much later in the story. (I'll give you a hint: Psychic-types.)
If anyone's interested, I've started publishing my first novel on Wattpad! It's called Shattered Perception
; I'd appreciate it if you'd give it a read and a follow. I mean, if you like it.
No more from me. Peace out!
they butchered the Punk Punk article >:/