Well, putting the banter aspect aside for the moment, I've always been veeeerrry doubtful of Oh, and X Dies as a trope, and the way you put it there in particular just comes off as terribly melodramatic. You can almost hear the "Dun dun DUN!" playing after that last line.
Also, unless this is meant for more general discussion of banter and such than the first post suggests, you might want to put in in the Troper Critique Club instead.
edited 8th Aug '11 3:54:08 PM by nrjxll
Christmas Sheep
It would be hilarious if you said 'Little did they know in two months all but one of them would be dead', and then in two months and one day, the last one dies from injuries sustained during the two months.
Edit: Wait, no it wouldn't.
Never mind, then.
edited 8th Aug '11 4:00:04 PM by TheEarthSheep
Still Sheepin'
Ahr river
The body language reads very anti-banter.
Read my stories!
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
Troper critique club?
I have got to start actually paying attention to what the pinned topics on each subforum are. Any mod care to lock this?
That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful
Ahr river
This thread is fine. There is nothing wrong with asking for critique in your own separate thread, or so I have been told.
Read my stories!
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
Well, in that case . . .
^^^ Body language, eh? I can't read faces very well, so I've always had trouble with this. What do you recommend?
That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful
Ahr river
The urge for slapping, for one.
Read my stories!
Yeah, slapping is a bit much, unless slapstick is routine for them.
It's hard to tell if Manuel is being obnoxious, because I don't know how close they're supposed to be. If they're already in a relationship it could be interpreted as teasing, but if they're just crewmates and nothing more then I'd consider him obnoxious.
edited 8th Aug '11 4:58:38 PM by melloncollie
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
Ugh, I have no idea how to do this now. To be honest, I'm feeling kind of embarrassed. (Chick lit is not your friend when trying to establish a genuine-feeling relationship, and anime is even worse.)
I guess I need more advice on what to do, as well as on what not to do.
edited 8th Aug '11 5:20:42 PM by feotakahari
That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful
The future of warfare in UC.
Generalized advice, since that's about all I can offer; less commentary on the relationship and more actual relationship, i.e. interaction. Standard show-don't-tell schtick.
EDIT: What I mean is, they're interacting in an incredibly neutral way due to lack of context. I have no idea if this is normal behavior for them in particular or for people in their line of work in general or anything. And perhaps the internet has poisoned me on this, but I find generalized banter to be an incredibly poor indicator of anything. Actions, particularly a show of respect in a context where it's not required socially, are far better illustrators.
edited 8th Aug '11 6:22:47 PM by Night
Nous restons ici.
Also known as Katz
The POV is a bit confusing; it's limited third, but it feels like omniscient ("The captain was not amused" makes it sound like that bit is from the captain's perspective) and then it sounds like Manuel is calling himself cute.
Also, what is the setting of this scene? Since we don't know where on the ship we are or what they're doing (other than talking), it feels like everyone is standing around purposelessly so that Maria can talk to them.
"Maria's homeland" is awkward. Would you refer to the place you're from as "my homeland?" Because for me I would just call it "Washington."
![[up]](https://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/smiles/arrow_up.png "[up]"){kind=icon}
I think it's obvious that a six paragraph or so excerpt isn't going to have much context, so that isn't necessarily a flaw. I do agree with the person who commented on body language - it felt very slapstick like. These people certainly don't seem like professionals, which one gets the impression they're supposed to be.
The Mod with the Migraine
They're professionals who aren't on the job at that particular moment. They're still people, which means they can joke around and make digs at each other, since it's not interfering with their job.
From that excerpt, I don't get the feeling they're lovers. At best, attracted to each other. Maybe, instead of her having an urge to slap him, she could give him a smack in the arm/shoulder? For some reason, that conveys instant I-want-to-jump-your-bones status in a couple.
That’s the epitome of privilege right there, not considering armed nazis a threat to your life. - Silasw
Fuzzy Orange Doomsayer
I'll be revising this quite a bit. I'll post to the Troper Critique Club when I think I've got a better draft.
That's Feo . . . He's a disgusting, mysoginistic, paedophilic asshat who moonlights as a shitty writer—Something Awful
I was initially going to ask about writing banter between two people who're infatuated with each other—I was worried that the guy was coming off as a cad. I'm starting to wonder about other issues, though (in particular, the last line of my introductory section), so I decided to just post the beginning and ask what needs work. If anyone cares to read it:
"Not for another two hours, no matter how much you whine." Captain Davison was not amused. He rarely was, and he was not the target of her question.
"What'll you do if she keeps whining, Cap? Put her in charge of scrubbing the toilets? I thought that was my job." Manuel—he was the target of the question. Repairman, handyman, and general odd-jobs man, he was by far the lowest-ranking of the crew. But he was one of only a handful of people from Maria's homeland who'd joined the space program, and he was cute as a button (though not exactly bright.) They'd both taken well to the news that they'd be spending two months with each other on an isolated planet.
"You have nothing to complain about, Maria." Isaac was as logical as ever. "The higher-ups agreed that the rarity of life this advanced outweighed any questions about the planet's geology. Never mind that we've never once seen a planet with this distribution of metals—the strangest phenomena are concentrated in the lifeless zones, so you get to watch your plants grow, and I have to do my research by satellite. Besides, I've seen the eyes you make at Manuel."
Maria pretended to be indignant. "I do not 'make eyes!'"
"Yeah, she's graduated to making faces," Manuel said, puffing up his lips in an exaggerated kiss. Maria resisted the impulse to slap him.
"Don't worry," Isaac said. "Watching you two brings back good memories for me. These days, of course, I'd be at a disadvantage trying to make eyes at anyone." He tapped the silvery orb where his right eye had once been, and Maria suppressed a shudder. Manuel, too, had a metal souvenir of the Procne incident, but it was inside his head, and she consciously avoided wondering what his face had looked like before reconstructive surgery.
Manuel noticed her shudder, but misinterpreted its cause. "Come on, it's bad luck to think of Procne when you're exploring a new planet."
"I wasn't. I was just . . ." She trailed off.
"It'll be fine," Isaac told her. "You'll spend the days looking at flowers under a microscope, and maybe you'll give one to Manuel. I'll become engrossed in soil composition, and I'll become quite boring to anyone who converses with me. And then we'll be home again. I, for one, have already made plans for when we get back."
Their conversation turned to other subjects, and Maria forgot any tension. She was thrilled to be studying a new planet, thrilled to be present at what might be the decade's greatest find.
She did not know it then, but in two months, they would all be dead.