Why is 'be yourself' considered good advice?

I dislike the concept there is an innate, unchangable, "you". There is a difference between giving into peer pressure and changing who you are with certain people. In my book, if it makes you happy, it's a good thing. (This excluding the obviously self-destructive acts that people think make them happy, such as heroin.)

EDIT: And oh god, faking that you share someone's intrests is just dumb, dumb, dumb. Be honest with them about that, otherwise you'll just look like an ass.

edited 12th Jul '11 12:49:11 PM by YoungMachete

"Delenda est." "Furthermore, Carthage must be destroyed." -Common Roman saying at the end of speeches.

Well, that depends. It's probably stupid to pretend you're really keen on something to get someone to like you, but faking a mild interest to be polite is very common. I had a conversation with someone I know slightly from work about her baby the other day. I'm not really that interested in her baby, but it felt rude not to (she came in, with the baby, from maternity leave).

"Well, it's a lifestyle"

Some of us don't share interests with many people, you know.

I'm a skeptical squirrel

I think that the main reason that "be yourself" is considered good advice is that most people are not cynical, worldly, consummate liars. The majority of people would have trouble acting like someone they weren't, much less actually becoming that person. Eventually, most people would slip up and, when your entire life is built on pretending to be someone else, slipping up can have disastrous consequences.

So, if you can pull off being someone else, more power to you. But, if you happen to be just an average person, it's probably a good idea to just be yourself.

It's also less to remember, that of being who you are, versus trying to be someone you're not.

But if one wants to better themselves, go for it.

Happiness is zero-gee with a sinus cold.

Thread Hop:

Because we want indivduality but can't reach it.

edited 12th Jul '11 2:05:31 PM by Erock

If you don't like a single Frank Ocean song, you have no soul.

I think what this quote means is not to avoid ever changing yourself, but to avoid taking a shortcut to changing yourself. If for example, you want to be a "popular person", then fine, do that. Learn how to interact with people, practice continuously, put in the time and effort to actually become the kind of person lots of people want to hang out with, gradually increase your social circle, risk looking like an idiot, etc. In a few years, you'll probably be popular. Don't, however, just wear the clothes and talk the talk, and expect everyone to believe that you can actually walk the walk. Be honest about what stage you are in on your quest to be popular, and make sure the popularity is sustainable. Don't try to leap from zero to hero with a wardrobe change; it's not doing you any favors.

I would like to present an alternative quote that's catchier and more useful, though: "Check yourself before you wreck yourself."

"War doesn't prove who's right, only who's left." "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."

"The majority of people would have trouble acting like someone they weren't, much less actually becoming that person. " - Samurye

Given the dishonesty rampant in society today, I really doubt that.

"Learn how to interact with people, practice continuously, put in the time and effort to actually become the kind of person lots of people want to hang out with, gradually increase your social circle, risk looking like an idiot, etc. In a few years, you'll probably be popular." - OTOH

And what if that doesn't work? There are circumstances in which it might not.

See, we shouldn't be teaching them to expect honesty to work... it often doesn't. We should be teaching them that honesty is a goal in itself.

People who act contrary to their own personalities so that others will be their friends seem to be approaching things backwards. The point of the "be yourself" Aesop is that, instead of going "okay, I want these people to be my friends, now how should I act to make them like me?", you should go, "okay, this is the way I want to act, now how do I find people who will like me?"

Depending on what the real you is like, that might be a very difficult task. Luckily, that's why God invented the Internet.

Very much so. Sometimes breaking in a good mask for the long haul is the best thing that can ever happen to you; I speak from experience.

edited 13th Jul '11 9:05:34 PM by Pykrete

@Neo: If it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. Life sucks like that sometimes. I do agree with you, though. I guess it wasn't clear from my example - I do think honesty should be an end in itself. What I wanted to say was avoid dishonest shortcuts even though they're faster and (possibly) easier. I think forcing yourself to take the long, honest route with everything shows you what your real preferences are. Want a high chance of being popular? This is how much time and effort it really takes. Now, do you still want that, or would you rather do something else with your life?

"War doesn't prove who's right, only who's left." "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."

I think a version of the concept that doesn't rely on vague language would be "don't lie about yourself to make friends".

Because, that's really what the phrase means as far as I know.

Basically, when you're trying to make friends, don't deliberately act differently than you normally do because people see through it.

I spread my wings and I learn how to fly....

What if your objective is actually to acclimate yourself into genuinely acting that way?

Then do what you need to do.

I'd personally say that means you might have some problems, but I'm no expert so I wouldn't really know.

I spread my wings and I learn how to fly....

If that's what you're resorting to, you most certainly have problems — ones that being too honest with yourself will probably exacerbate.

Ultimately, behavior is malleable with practice.

edited 13th Jul '11 9:53:58 PM by Pykrete

The malleability of the self is cool.

If someone wants to accuse us of eating coconut shells, then that's their business. We know what we're doing. - Achaan Chah

@cityofmist: I think the problem you had is that the advice was presented to you as "be yourself and you'll have a lot of friends". That's not how it works; the reason you would want to be yourself is that trying to be other people feels crappy.

You might also get better quality friends once you abandon having to pretend you like people or things you don't actually like, but you certainly won't get more friends.

And I can vouch for being yourself from experience; it's best before 6th and after 8th grade but even during junior high being yourself does not suck as much as not being yourself, as long as you are at least slightly able to stand up to assholes.

---

Like Spain Sun says it's not really about self-improvement, but I find that trying to hard to improve yourself is also not a good idea. Or attachment to any other goal, really.

If you make your happiness depend on, say, bathing more often, you will be disappointed after you accomplish your goal and it turns out that not only is it uncomfortable by itself (because going against yourself always implies forcing yourself to do something) but also that it doesn't really make you any happier, because once you've fixed the one flaw others immediately grab your attention.

Happiness comes only from accepting yourself, even if you stink a bit.

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EDIT: Also, because I just noticed this, what Raven Wilder said.

edited 14th Jul '11 4:14:23 AM by BlackHumor

I'm convinced that our modern day analogues to ancient scholars are comedians. -0dd1

^Self improvement is about having fun getting better at things you always wanted to be better at, not imposing things you hate upon yourself.

edited 16th Jul '11 1:59:53 AM by fanty

"Know your limitations... Then push the Hell out of them."

You exist because we allow it and you will end because we demand it.

"That's not how it works; the reason you would want to be yourself is that trying to be other people feels crappy." - Black Humor

Well, it should, though I'm not sure it necessarily does; if someone is good enough at being dishonest, you never know...

No, that doesn't work except in very minor cases of bullying. Even assuming you can change whatever is causing you to be bullied, you'd have to combine that with changing your social setting or else you'll Never Live It Down.

And for many people, changing what they are to fit in either:

a) is not possible, no matter how much they try

b) is possible but at a very high price (chronic stress, suicidal depression, no genuine relationships, etc) because you change your behavior but not the underlying reasons for it

Closeted gays are an example of b). Myself, as an undiagnosed autistic kid, was a) - even with proper social skills treatment autistic kids usually remain weird and awkward, and with no idea why I was different and no guidance on how to change, I had no chance whatsoever of not being weird.

In the majority of cases of bullying, there is literally nothing the bullied kid can do about it. Only adult intervention can stop the bullying, either by forcing the bullies to change their behavior (which is difficult but possible if you know how) or removing the kid from the situation.

If I'm asking for advice on a story idea, don't tell me it can't be done.

Plus, trying to pander to bullies makes it more obvious how desperate one is. There is nothing to stop a bully from exploiting that.

@Ettina: Well, there is no one thing the bullied kid can do about it. All bullies can be got rid of somehow; the problem is figuring out how to get rid of your particular bully.

I'm convinced that our modern day analogues to ancient scholars are comedians. -0dd1

The solution to that problem may often be more costly than the problem itself. It's usually not changing one thing about you; it's changing everything about you - and not for the better. You're trying to appeal to cruel junior high morons, for crying out loud.

"War doesn't prove who's right, only who's left." "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future."