Asexual Anxieties and Concerns

They can probably have sex for production unless the idea is repulsive to them. If they're neutral about sex, they can probably get pregnant. If not, then all those other methods that have been mentioned.

Exactly how I feel, dude.

Would someone be asexual if they had sex and thought it wasn't an enjoyable activity? I've been wondering about that because maybe if I try it I won't like it.

Right before I came to terms with my sexuality, I realized I made tons of excuses why I wasn't interested in relationships like everyone else was. It wasn't the right time. I was broke. I'm in therapy. Etc. They were all valid, but bullshit.

Depends. Did they not enjoy it because they didn't really want it anyway? Or did they want it and then it just didn't physically feel enjoyable?

The latter.

Then they're probably not asexual, they just didn't have an enjoyable experience. If they were to try again, or with someone else, or anything like that, they might have a more enjoyable experience.

So then the former would be asexuality?

Possibly. Most likely, but it varies.

Ah, I hope it's okay for me to revive this thread. I kind of feel like getting this off my chest. I guess I don't actually need any advice.

I first realized my asexuality about a year and a quarter ago, the summer before I started college. I actually found out such a thing exists at all because of the Asexuality page here, funnily enough.

My mom and my doctor didn't believe me when I tentatively mentioned it (probably because of medical THINGS that affected my hormones in the past, and because I am introverted and don't do much of anything at all socially). They weren't hostile or anything, just kind of patronizing about it, you know the whole "the RIGHT BOY will come along, you don't know you haven't tried yadda yadda." It kind of stung a little but it's pretty much what I had expected (funnily enough, my mom is fine with me being Atheist. Go figure) and I'm fine with it.

However, my younger brother has a social worker that comes and does in-home services and one time we were all talking, picking on each other, etc. and I happened to mention my asexuality (for like, the second time I ever had in real life). Well, he laughed at me and I was less okay with that. I mean, seriously? To laugh in someone's face like that? UGH.

I'm still undecided about the child thing. If I did end up wanting one, I'd adopt later when I've graduated and have a steady job. I think I'd make a good parent, to be honest, I just don't know if I want kids or not. I don't want a significant other, I think, so I'd probably be a single parent.

Anyway, I wish I could give you all hugs in real life that need it!

My family's veiw: Since your parents were married and produced you, you have to get married and have a bunch of kids, because being born gives you that obligation. Otherwise, you're betraying humanity by not increasing the population and are thus a bad person. Also, only heterosexuality is acceptable.

It's rather difficult explaining that I never actually want to get married to them. They seem to think that I'm simply not trying or haven't met the right kind of person yet, because the thought of me not wanting to marry is unthinkable.

Hugs for everyone!

And bear hugs from Banjo the honey bear! -gentle bear hug-

How many parents are actually for their kids being asexual, I wonder?

That sounds quite unpleasant. You have my sympathies. Any chance of them just becoming resigned?

My parents are adamant that I'll grow up to settle down with a wife and children. I, however, abhor the very notion of having a long, miserably boring life completely absorbed by taking care of kids, arguments with the wife, and a terrible dead-end job that contributes nothing to society and goes nowhere. When I tried to explain this to my parents and that I don't really want to perform the act in the first place, they stared at me blankly and gave me about 2 seconds before they reinitiated pestering me about cute girls at school. 'Tis an unfortunate situation, but one that will not go away anytime soon...

edited 4th Oct '11 9:51:36 PM by WertyYertrew

I fail to see how any of that is implied by having sex . . .

(Okay, having kids implies a life "completing absorbed taking care of the kids," but we're no longer in the age where sex = kids. If you're asexual, it's because you don't want to have sex, not because you don't want to be stuck with the cliched middle-class life.)

edited 4th Oct '11 10:27:07 PM by feotakahari

My mother seems to think I'm just a late bloomer while my sister thinks I'm in denial because "everyone wants sex at some point". Meanwhile, my dad doesn't have a problem with my lack of interest. He's just happy I'm not doing *things* before I'm married.

I want kids, I want to fall in love, I want to have a boyfriend (someday), I want a relationship, I want to get married. Problem is, I'm not very affectionate, I don't like to be touched much, and I loathe intercourse. However, I'm a kinky SOB. Do you see my problem here? XD

I'm capable of sexual feelings, but actual sexual intercourse disgusts me. Actually, it's vomit-inducing.

However the people around me seem to think that none of these issues would matter if I just had sex already. Because then everything would be perfect, I'd have a boyfriend who loves me, but only if I have sex. Because sex makes my issues magically go away apparently.

Currently I've come to the conclusion that if my future husband wants sex, then there's going to have to be a trade off somewhere. Sure I'll be bored and once he falls asleep I'll go to the bathroom, vomit, and cry myself dry... but hell, I'll put up with it every so often if he really loves me and I love him.

So anyway, I don't rule out the possibility of being Demisexual. But I won't know that until after I fall hard for someone. But really, I've been in love before and I didn't feel anything sexual for him really. But everyone seems to think that "doesn't count" for whatever reason.

Anyway, everyone just seems to think I won't have the things I want because I don't like sex. Yes, because all relationships are based on sex. No exceptions. Love and trust is all a lie, it's just about sex and once that is gone then the love is gone. Total BS, of course, as love and lust are not directly related. If you need sex to be in love, then that's not love, that's lust.

That being said, I've never really felt anything sexual for anyone. I notice when someone is attractive, but that doesn't mean I'm attracted to them. I have a sexual drive, but I have no sexual desire and I feel no sexual attraction. And by drive I mean I experience sexual feelings, and the desire to reproduce, even if by such primitive means. But I really don't have the desire to act on it, nor do I feel attraction like that.

Which is why I'm 19, never had a real relationship. Then again, there was no one every actually worthy of being in my presence, let alone someone worthy to be in a relationship with me.

Thankfully, I think highly of myself so I don't let what people say get to me. They cannot fathom asexuality in the same way I cannot fathom sexuality. When I think about it like that, it makes them more forgivable. Although I admit it and they deny it, that's the difference. So i just go along with "yeah whatever, I know myself better and I know enough to know I'm not like almost everyone else". And the more they try and say otherwise, the more it kills what little drive I have left. My pride doesn't allow me to be wrong. So the more people tell me I'm wrong, the harder I work to prove them wrong. So basically, when people tell me I'm going to grow out of it, I kill off any sexual feelings I might ever have.

But I'm weird like that, I can do anything be force of will. Of course, I've never felt anything for anyone, but the more people piss me off, the odds of me lusting after someone decrease.

This post is long enough now.

Does anyone know when most people start to feel sexual attraction? I know that most of my classmates started bumping uglies or at least dating in about seventh grade, but I've never felt any desire for sexual anything. I'm fourteen and seriously no one will tell me about anything related to sex. I've had crushes on other girls before, but I realized that I simply wasn't attracted sexually to them. Am I just a late bloomer?

I didn't until I was out of high school, so, around 17 or 18. And even then it wasn't really a drive, as much as it was a mild curiosity. So, no, I wouldn't call 14 a "late bloomer".

edited 5th Feb '14 7:00:12 PM by Madrugada

I'm not sure I'd call myself fully asexual, but I'm somewhere between that and straight, if that makes sense. I've never had sex or been in a relationship, though not because no one would date me— quite a few cute girls hit on me in high school and college, but I never felt enough attraction to, you know, do anything about it.

I like to look at attractive women and sometimes entertain fantasies of them, but sex has always seemed like something that was way over there; a part of the lives of the masses, but no more real in my world than unicorns or dragons. It seems like it would be nice, but is it worth the enormous effort, interpersonal maneuvering, and bridging of such a large mental chasm to reach when I am content to do other things? Probably not. Also, I find vaginas positively disgusting.

Same goes for romantic attraction. I had crushes when I was younger, but the hormones were never strong enough to overwhelm my rationality and deliberation; plus, I don't feel there is enough room in here for two. I do enjoy female company, and I do get lonely, but at least loneliness is predictable and temporary. I try not to worry about being alone later in life, for two reasons: 1) it takes away from the present, and a single person can do more day-to-day living; and 2) there is no point in going through the motions of romance just to prevent the alternative.

edited 5th Feb '14 8:08:54 PM by BrainSewage

I almost envy you. I hate the fact my brain jumps to sexual thoughts at the slightest provocation at times.

I'm in a similar boat as Brain Sewage, somewhere on the spectrum between heterosexual and asexual (same goes for the romantic side)— I still experience attraction, but nowhere near enough to seek out a relationship of any sort. I think my siblings might be the same way (with the exception of my eldest sister, who's married), but I haven't asked. Sex and romance is, as you put it, something that's just over there, part of other people's lives but has little effect on my own.

edited 5th Feb '14 11:05:52 PM by Blueeyedrat

Thread hop

You know, with all the words that get said about slut-shaming (and I'm concerned with that, being something of a slut) I'm always intrigued by the anxieties of those who fall on the other side of the sexuality bell-curve. They always sound very similar to my ears.

It boils down to this; human beings are endlessly variable, and how we relate is likewise completely open-ended - as long as we ignore the normative standard society tries to shove down our throat, that is. However, how successful said relationship is depends entirely on the creativity and commitment of the parties involved.

In my life up to now I've seen all sorts of "weird" relationships fly and I've seen plenty of "normal" relationships crash and burn - hell, I've been a part of both types (in success and failure). Finding happiness boils down to A: knowing what you want and B: seeking out people who feel the same. Oh, and C: deciding how much to share with the rest of the world.

As to the first, you are the expert in what you want. Don't let anyone tell you differently...but recognize that you, like every other person on the planet, have a lot to learn about the power and the mystery of experience. Try stuff before you decide you don't like it. At least put the meal in your mouth before you decide it isn't to your liking. Sex, like every other visceral human experience, is best learned firsthand.

That being said...if you aren't curious, then you aren't curious. Avoid situations where people will try and sexualize you and learn to give the questioners the answers they're looking for without compromising your values or needs.

(Yes, I did just tell you to "lie". While an honest question demands an honest answer, a loaded question is designed to have its blank filled with an already-known answer. In other words, just tell them what they want to hear because they want to hear it. If they wanted honesty they would have phrased the query differently. In any event, keeping your real shit to yourself is your basic human right if that is what you choose - especially when the alternative is doing something contrary to your value system.)

As to the second, well...that's complicated. Meeting a compatible partner always is - and that goes double for anyone whose tastes fall outside what society considers acceptable. And you asexuals need to realize the following; people are not designed to live on their own. We're social animals. You need the same thing sexual people need...you just have a slightly different metric through which your need will be satisfied, because sex isn't the ego-validating awesomeness it is for us boinkers.

Oh, and some of you might not be asexual. You might just be really, really selective and possess a libido that is very low compared to the "average" human. Yes, I know that statement treads perilously close to "you just haven't found the right person", but such is a valid argument as long as one acknowledges that it might not be true - which I do. I suggest you keep looking (humanity is endlessly variable) but if you don't find, that's totally okay too. The only reason I mention this; being less sexual than the norm does carry the same peer-pressure penalty as being more so, and with all the censure and peer pressure to conform, taking refuge in a group label (even if it does not all-the-way fit) is a way to get some of that pressure off your back. I've seen enough people do exactly this (WAVES hi!)to know its a thing.

Anyway, let me give you an example of a relationship model that does not conform to norms...mine.

My lady DG and I are very close, but we don't have sex all that often. When we want to be close, we cuddle. And we do that a lot, because as far as we're concerned being close with somebody who loves you is awesome shit and we like it. The cuddling doesn't lead anywhere...because when we cuddle, that's the fucking point. We're doing it because being close is what we want out of the activity, and as far as we're concerned there is nothing inherently romantic about swapping body-goo.

Now, there are times where one or both of us is feeling frisky and we go give the mattress a workout...but it is always with an eye towards just having a good time. Our relationship is not at stake, we're just looking for a good time. In short, sex and intimacy are not the same thing for us. At all. Most people wouldn't get this, but we truly don't give a shit.

I don't present this as a solution to anybody's problem; I present it as an example of outside-the-box thinking doing two people a favor. For a while, the lack of sex we were having bothered both of us. But then we realized; there were reasons for that, and our feeling like we weren't having "enough" sex came from outside influences rather than our needs. So we came up with our current model...and I don't care if it works for anybody else, it works for us and that is what matters. More importantly, it was the solution to the complex cocktail of issues DG and I have. It makes us both happy and we like it.

I suggest to all of you that you approach your life with the same idea - finding the human-relations intimacy model that works best for you.

As far as telling people and being public, tell them whatever you need to tell them so that you can remain happy. I know this flies in the face of that whole "honesty is the best policy" shit but whatever. As I said above, if you know somebody's looking for a certain answer, don't feel bad about giving them that answer. They aren't asking a question to learn anything. They are asking to have their opinions re-validated. Just do that second thing with a clear conscience; you (and they) will be the happier for it.

-looks back-

Wow, long post is long. Guess I had more to say on the subject than I thought.

tl;dr...do what's good for you, and do the work required to figure out just what the hell that is. Also, (don't)fuck the haters.

Not that we've actually talked about it at length, as such... but, both my brother and I are in the "sex is OK, but it's not the end of the world if it's not happening to you — and, it's not the only thing to be found in any given relationship or form of human contact, anyway" camps. We both like being with others (I, for one, like cuddles! But, God help you if you try playing with my hair uninvited: you will get slapped. He's... not that keen, but not that anti, either. Either way.), but are intensely private at the same time.

Neither of us are married, and it doesn't look as if either of us will. We both have had the odd sexual relationship. But, mainly when we were younger and trying to work ourselves out. Mum is... resigned to this (although, she still occasionally tries the Grandkids Guilt Trip). Dad is a lot more accepting.

I fully accept that others find sex an important part of their lives. And, good for them: I just don't happen to be wired that way so can't experience that wish in the same way they do, and that's fine, too. It's just the way things are. Getting fussed about whether you're feeling what you should be feeling when you're feeling whatever you're feeling? Is a waste of energy. "Should" is a bad word, anyway, when it comes to determining what is.

(To be honest, I've often suspected that, in a world where people don't automatically assume people of the opposite sex with the same name are married, my brother and I would be sharing accommodation: we click along like we've always done. And, the pattern of siblings living together unmarried to partners in "sharing the killer mortgage so it doesn't hurt as much" deals is not unknown in the family on my father's side, although... usually with sister-sister and brother-brother groupings. It's actually happened a few times. Which is why I think Dad gets it easier than Mum does. Larger families back then almost made it more acceptable for a few sibs to just not have kids or go actively looking for relationships, probably. Particularly the younger ones.)

edited 27th Feb '14 3:43:35 AM by Euodiachloris

@drunkscriblerian, Although I agree with much of what you said, I just wanted to say something about your comment on experience. Food metaphors, especially given how picky children can be, aren't necessarily the best in this case. There are plenty of activities, etc, in the world that you don't need to try to be able to judge if you'll like them and sex and romance both fall under that - if you don't have any interest in romance books you know you'll probably be bored if you pick up Twilight, if you don't like heights skydiving is not for you, without having to try it you can know you won't enjoy having your arm chopped off with a rusty axe and no painkillers, etc.

Obviously, you did say that if you're not curious, you're not curious, but since "you just haven't tried it yet"/variants on experience are often used to dismiss asexuality and sexually harass aces, I felt it ought to be mentioned.

It's also worth remembering that if you always take the easier route of not owning to asexuality then you are not helping yourself or any fellow Aces because it's allowing the sexualist misconceptions and discrimination to continue. I'll admit that's very much a case of pick your battles, though, as I found out in uni - apparently most of the people in the uni I went to though that asexual = slut and I wound up having very unpleasant comments, amongst other things, aimed at me.

Apart from those two things, though, I applaud your sentiments.

@Eudoiachloris,

I second this sentiment. I also wish more people could see it.

@all Aces, Aromantics, questioning, etc, who can read this: when the hypersexual/sexuality focused world around you gets you down, just remember that one of the unofficial symbols of Asexuality is cake and cake is better than sex. It's legal to have cake in public and you don't need someone else to help you get some.

Umm, Marietta, there's a term for having sex you don't want in a marriage. It's called marital rape. Sexual spouses are not obligated to give sex they don't want to have for the sake of the marriage, and asexual spouses shouldn't either. Don't think that you'd "owe it" to your spouse just because you're married.