Do the teen years have to be miserable?

Whenever teenagers are mentioned in a conversation between adults, it's usually with exasperation at our stupidity. And I can't blame them; lots of us are really that stupid. But seriously, why?

The normal trend is that with age comes experience, and with experience comes maturity. Then why is the typical ten year old more mature and well-adjusted than the typical fourteen year old? Do "hormones" really trump four more years of life under their belts?

My theory is this: despite what parents like to think, we teenagers are good at doing what's expected of us. Exceptionally good. And what's expected of us is that we're loudmouthed, moronic party animals. And so we are. We rebel to conform, not only to our peers, but also to the role adult society has placed on us - the douchey Goldfish Poop Gang that they all love to hate.

It's almost a ritual parents and teens go through, this meaningless rebellion and disciplining, like the whole courtship song and dance, only it sucks. My question is this: can a parent plan things out in such a way as to avoid all this, or at least minimize it? The first thing I can think of is simply making them savvy of this unspoken expectation, and hopefullly spark outrage that makes them say "No way in hell am I proving them right." That's what happened with me.

It's certainly not impossible to do this - a small but significant minority of teens go through their lives happy and well-adjusted, the way it's supposed to go - you're older, you're wiser. Progress, not regress.

edited 22nd Mar '11 8:45:25 PM by OnTheOtherHandle

"happy and well adjusted" people can be "rebellious"

Those who are not "Rebellious" etc can also be not happy or well adjusted, partially due to them dealin with all that responsibility.

Of all the issues that made my teen years nasty, none of those the OP mentioned were among them. Discipline from my parents throughout my teen years was "Don't do this", "Don't do this because X and Y" if that wasn't sufficient, and then they'd start thinking up punishments if I kept being an ass and — this is important — actually following through on them if I kept being an ass. Other than that I was generally treated as perfectly capable of exercising sense on my own.

edited 22nd Mar '11 8:59:29 PM by Pykrete

As an adult (I'm 31, that counts by anyone's reckoning) I've never viewed teenagers as any stupider than the average "grownup". At worst, teenagers are inexperienced, which can be forgiven as -hey, guess what- they haven't been on this planet that long.

This opinion was shaped by working at a bar, where I watched more than one 40 year old adolescent commit epic fail upon epic fail.

Age does not automatically confer wisdom on anyone, and those who say different are morons.

My teen years have been great, and I've never felt a need to "rebel" or anything.

I'm rather withdrawn from society though, so maybe it is social circles that are the result of teenage suffering?

My separation from practically everything that teens (normally) do seems to have spared me from any trouble.

I was never rebellious as a teenager - against my parents, anyway. Part of that is due to the formative years, when you're in grade school, I think.

By the time I reached high school and puberty, I already had the idea cemented in my head that I didn't like the same sort of things that others girls my age did. So peer pressure never bothered me, I never really wanted to do all the 'rebellious' things other kids did.

If you're not miserable 6/10 days at 13-15, you're doing it wrong.

People are conditioning themselves to think of teen wangst as normal. "Grown-ups are really just big insecure kids". "High school is a dress rehearsal for most people's jobs." I didn't awaken to this fallacy until reading Confucius' notes on anomie.

In a tribal society (or a well-oiled, rigid society which operates on Confucianism), there is no farting around. You're told right from the start that you have a limited time span to get your shit together and become self-sufficient. In both types of societies, they have distinct rites of passage. Here, our rites are Buy a car. Now stick your genitalia into a girl. Now go get blitzed.

My personal feeling is that the root of the problem is not feeling accomplished, or the sense that 'adulthood' is a fleeting goal which never quite happens.

@Balloon Feet: You're right, I should have qualified that. Rebels with a cause (such as political rebels), are often fired up and enthusiastic and very happy about what they're doing with their lives. But the typical teenage rebel, if you can even call it that? They're not usually very happy with their lives. Constantly complaining about their parents, school, dating, friends...

I'm actually not looking at it from the angle of "You're hurting your parents", although there is that. I'm looking at it from the angle of "You're going to all this effort to prove some point and you're not even satisfied with the results."

@Johnnyfrog: That's a very good point. It's not just society's perception of teenagerhood that's the problem - it's also our perception of adult life. It's supposed to be miserable, monotnous, and soul-crushing. Not much to shoot for. No need to be eager to reach that milestone. May as well abandon your values now and have "fun" rather than stay on the straight and narrow and have your values beat out of you by Reality (TM).

edited 22nd Mar '11 9:07:40 PM by OnTheOtherHandle

It's true that our culture nurtures pipe dreams about instant gratification and becoming rich without effort. Which did nothing much for my work ethic at age 14.

But you know what's even more dangerous? Inferring that adulthood 'never happens'. You're never going to feel like a responsible person or a role model.

Of course, this isn't a pandemic or anything — I suspect most people wake up to this delusion before long. But think of the lost time.

edited 22nd Mar '11 9:11:53 PM by johnnyfog

My teenage years were marked by a distinct lack of rebellion or angst. If anything, I was irritatingly wholesome and obedient - nothing more than an overgrown version of my childhood self.

Now, in my early twenties? Depressed, check. Pissy, check. Unreasonably opposed to mainstream norms, check. Obsessed with oh-so-adolescent 'dark' shit, check (my avatar page can attest). Friends with black-clad, mopey drug hoovers, check (well, I used to). Uncommunicative and wilfully alone frequently, check. I'm something of a late bloomer in that regard, but it's also anecdotal evidence that the teen years themselves aren't necessarily marked by that kind of behaviour.

Add me to the list who was never rebellious or angsty.

I wonder if it's a trend in Troper Demographics.

@DD: I was a little late myself, my condolences...it passes.

Only dangerous to those who think that adulthood automatically happens when one hits a certain age. Adulthood can happen at any time, but the would-be adult has to make it happen.

Huh, it's funny that most of us, myself included, were/are obedient teens, when most of us also have radically different worldviews from our parents. I know that my rebellion, if you want to call it that, consists not of drinking/drugs/sex but going on This Very Wiki and gradually becoming more liberal (in the American sense) and globally minded, as opposed to my striaght-laced conservative folks.

Those are words to live by.

I was still sort of kid in my teenage years but I feel like an awkward teenager now and I am 23.

edited 22nd Mar '11 9:42:42 PM by G.G.

You know there were plenty of historical cases in Confucian societies where people flat out went "fuck that". As an example, there's a counter to Romance Of The Three Kindoms in the 'chinese classics' that deals with outlaws and rebels. I forgot the title but the confucian gentry would say that book was for older people while romanceofthreekindsoms was for younger people as the young would be easily corrupted by that novel as its the exact OPPOSITE of what society said was good.

Look at the example of rebellions in imperial china led by people who failed the examination system, or the boxer rebellion. The same thing happens, whether society acknowledges it or not.

People can "have a purpose" and STILL not like that life or mentality it gives them. Look at some people who thought the army would 'change their lives' yet their same habits and mentalities havent changed a lot

well restrictive parents are shitty lol.

I dunno how the 'average teenage rebel' did things.

Well the thing is that comes out of a backlash against people seeing how the old adults did their things, and how they lied cheated and did all sorts of immoral shit to get to where they are at now. (see the hackers manifesto as an example).

Remember Peter Pan? How people back then saw adulthood as encroaching on them and them having no way to run away from it? Them having to be stuck dealing with how the society treated then and shouldering them with responsibilities?

Besides, being a decent person or helping people or being a 'role model' is different than adulthood. Teenagers and early 20 somethign can be good role models, just they avoid identifying as 'adults' or 'BEING A MANNNN' BS.

edited 22nd Mar '11 10:23:16 PM by BalloonFleet

I never really went through a rebellious teen phase either. My parents were entirely too scary for that.

Well that's based off reality, at least the shitty versions of it. Do you think corporate culture was nice back then? Hell no they've reformed because they know people made their own companies and broke away from how the old guard did their things.

Remember this came about out of the 1960s generations and how they realize so much of what the older generation did was manipulated, and built them a sterile world built on falsehoods.

Am I the only person who had a really cool mom who didn't treat me like an idiot, and her the only parent with a son who had no real desire to rebel and was a pretty well balanced and emotionally stable non-rebellious kid overall, despite having his moments now and again?

Maybe it's because I never vested myself in the rat race that is high school popularity or social stigma, but all I can do is guess.

Simple answer: Teenagers are not right in the head. Treat them as if they're mentally unstable until they're about 20, and you'll be fine

More Complex Answer: the teenage brain is being reconfigured into an adult brain. Expect some service disruption during this period. the prefrontal cortex is necessary for planning complex cognitive behaviors, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behavior. The basic activity of this brain region is the orchestration of thoughts and actions in accordance with internal goals. This section is not as well connected to the rest of the brain during this period

@Balloon Fleet, you're thinking of Water Margins, aka Outlaws of the Marsh

edited 22nd Mar '11 10:31:05 PM by pathfinder

Nope, I had a cool mom as well, except it completely backfired due to her not instilling even an ounce of fear in me.

Diff'rent strokes.

>>except it completely backfired due to her not instilling even an ounce of fear in me.

>>Implying that is a bad thing.

edited 22nd Mar '11 10:31:30 PM by BalloonFleet

They don't have to be miserable.

Mine were just sort of... there.

edited 22nd Mar '11 10:33:08 PM by Zudak

Barkey, I have a cool mom, too. I'm not just this angelic person that forces herself not to be rebellious even though she wants to. I don't really feel like it, to be honest.

"I never really went through a rebellious teen phase either. My parents were entirely too scary for that."

I went through a rebellious teen phase. Maybe it was puberty, but I finally began lashing out when my dad did his "I'm going to scream in your face and beat the crap out you" shit.

edited 22nd Mar '11 10:55:11 PM by LoveHappiness