Roommate issues

One of my friends had an acquaintance he was really worried about because of an abusive home situation so he came to me with a proposal several months ago with a plan to rescue him. The basis of the plan was for all of us to rent an apartment together to give him a place to get away from his parents. Me and my friend would pay the rent for a few months until he was able to get a job and start paying his share. The plan worked, he made it out here after several delays, and the deadline for him getting a job is the end of next month.

Here's the problem. My new roommate is really messed up due to a combination of his old home situation and his natural personality. He is, to put it bluntly, a psychic vampire. For anyone familiar with The People Code, he's a white personality with all of the natural faults and practically none of the natural strengths involved.

He needs people to notice him and give him sympathy and take care of him and tell him what to do at all times. In October he got in a car accident and received a hairline fracture in his knee. The doctor has said it's all healed two months ago, but he still walks with a limp and claims it gives him trouble, but only when we need him to do something or aren't paying attention to him. It goes away whenever someone gets into a conversation with him. According to my friend, he's done this before with an old injury from childhood. No discernible reason for continuing pain, and it goes away when people are paying attention. He also has minor panic attacks under the same conditions, and they most frequently happen at the end of what should be a good day. I suspect at least some, if not most of his pain is consciously made up.

He was supposed to get here in December, but kept delaying until we told him at the beginning of February that if he didn't get out here we were selling his room to someone else. When he got here he put in a few job applications but hasn't followed up on any of them since.

In the apartment he never participates in activities, makes suggestions, or indicates wants of any kind, but if we say or do the wrong thing he withdraws to his computer, still in the same room, or curls up in the fetal position, also still in the same room.

When he finds someone who seems sympathetic he opens up to that person way too quickly with personal information but still completely withholds emotionally opening up or showing reciprocity in the relationship. He did it to my friend before I met either of them, he's tried to do it to me (I've been able to maintain my distance though.) and he's trying to do it to one of my other friends as we speak.

The lack of reciprocity is the defining aspect of all his interactions with people that I've seen, emotionally, financially, or any other way you can think. He is continually trying to manipulate people to be sympathetic towards him, whether consciously or unconsciously I really don't know. And he has no drive to do anything unless someone else starts driving him. I am getting sick of it.

Any thoughts?

The only real options you have are

1. . Continue to put up with it indefinitely or
2. . Kick him out when the deadline for him pulling his weight passes and he still doesn't have a job. (It will and he won't. I'd bet my house on it.)

Seems to me that your friend is the one who needs to handle the situation. It was his idea in the first place, right? The vampire is his friend, not really yours, right? This person has issues, serious issues, and probably needs therapy and/or medication. Getting away from his family was only the first step.

He sounds like Shinji. Just...be kind to him. He is probably just looking for kindness now, and a secure friendship.

If I could, I would like to befriend him.

edited 8th Mar '11 2:35:59 PM by NickTheSwing

Stage an intervention and get him into therapy. He probably isn't happy with himself either.

Can I talk to him?

I spoke with my psychology teacher on the subject. It seems the home situation makes him want to have someone's sympathy and social companionship, in order to make some kind of older pain go away.

edited 9th Mar '11 4:10:20 PM by NickTheSwing

I have a bad back.

Bear with me, there’s a point here.

I found out a while back that I send all of my stress to my back (I very rarely have migraines, or any other stereotypical systems associated with stress). Understand, I have a very easy life; in comparison to others, I’ve got it made. However, I tend to think about things a bit too much, which can lead to worry, which can lead to stress. I’ve been doing this for years, and now it’s affecting my back in such a way that I need intense massage therapy just to start feeling a bit better.

My back doesn’t hurt all the time, but can sometimes be sent into spasms of intense pain, or just a low dull feeling of a knife in my spine or shoulder that I’ll have to put up with for the better part of 24 hours.

This eccentric buddy of yours may actually have problems that you only notice when he’s begging for attention; he might not, and be fully healed. You’re the best judge on his behavior, since none of us are there to notice, but you need to take everything in with a dash of skepticism and an ounce of empathy.

If you gave this guy a deadline to come in and start helping out, and he hasn’t yet, then get it in writing. I cannot stress that enough. Get a contract. Remind him about the deal when you first agreed to it, and confront him about where he’s standing on such issue. Regardless of his answer, give him a new deadline of your choosing. Get it written down on paper, get him to sign it, and get your other roommate to sign it, saying that he agrees to the terms as well. The terms of the agreement should basically state that if he doesn’t fulfill certain conditions on the agreement you’ll be making, he has to go and, if he stays a second more, he’ll be faced with intense legal action.

Some people might say that’s too harsh, but it’s necessary to defend yourself. If you want to be nice, give him half a year to get his life together and live in a place for free. If you’ve had enough, tell him he’s got a month or less to get his act in gear. So many things happen between roommates that could easily be solved if they were only written down and agreed upon. I know this firsthand.

I'll say it again.

Get it in writing.

^^ I don't think it's a good idea for me to put anybody from the forums in contact with him, I suspect that he'd be quite hurt that I'm talking about it at all. I'm glad to have the input of your psychology teacher though, it makes sense that that's what's going on. I don't know too much about his home situation, but I do know that the abuse took the form of extremely controlling behavior, to the point where his parents interfered with him getting jobs and moving out on his own.

^ I want to believe that the pain is real, or at least subconcious, but I simply don't dare show him very much empathy because of his clingy behavior. I don't have the emotional or financial endurance to shoulder responsibility for his well being, and I certainly don't want to reinforce the behavior that I'm already seeing. At the same time though, we're not really providing him with a friendly and open atmosphere and that doesn't sit well with me. Good idea about getting it in writing though. My roommate thinks it's a good idea as well.

edited 9th Mar '11 5:52:58 PM by CDRW

• Talk to him openly about what’s been going on and how you feel about him being there. You’re doing more damage than anything if you don’t tell him that he being there is starting to be a burden, and you want to do what you can to alleviate it. It sounds harsh, and it is harsh, but it’s the truth, which is what this guy deserves, especially since it concerns his quality of living.
• Tell him that you’re going to get a new contract with him together that will protect you as well as him. It protects you against him taking advantage of you, and protects him from being kicked out unjustly (especially if his name is one the lease) and illegally.
• Once this contract is written up and both parties are protected, start treating him with a bit more kindness. Create a better living situation for him that he’ll try to protect by upholding his part of the bargain. There’s little you can do about how he treats his injury or other people; you’ll either like the guy or not. Do it genuinely, since you obviously want this guy living with you (which is why you invited him into your home in the first place, otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered).
• If he fails to uphold his end of the bargain and continues to mooch of you and your roommate, then cut your losses and let him go. If such a thing comes to pass, remind him that you told him that it’s bothersome for him to be there without earning his keep. Help him find somewhere else to stay, since that’s a rather nice thing to do. Be firm is keeping to the arrangement, if he really is a mooch, they thrive off of the inaction of others.

The one big question is this: is his name on the lease?

No, it's not on the lease. Edit: Holy crap, that "it" was totally accidental. I meant "he."

edited 9th Mar '11 6:09:52 PM by CDRW