Arranged marriage

To be honest, I'm not sure what to think about arranged marriage. My impression is that my parents were to arrange it for me I wouldn't object (provided whatever ceremony they want isn't expensive, of course), but it would ultimately be a loveless and more than likely unproductive union, because I'm quite simply not interested in other people in that way.

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<Mod Hat ON>

Look, people, this is getting really old, and really aggravating. All Rottweiler has to do is post once in an OTC thread and a bunch of you jump to help him derail it. Even if his post is on-topic, you lot derail it into talking about him and how out-of date his opinions are. Stop it.

Just stop it.

And get back on topic: Arranged, not forced, marriages. Not Marriage in general, not divorce, not alimony... "Arranged Marriages."

<Mod Hat OFF>

edited 24th Feb '11 1:56:59 PM by Madrugada

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So, I admire arranged marriage for making intact, low-conflict families common where I've seen them, as among Hindus.

So what about situations like mine, where the parents don't actually know their child very well and have completely erroneous ideas about what would make them happy?

So what about situations like mine, where the parents don't actually know their child very well

Then you're stuck?

Obviously if you wanted to introduce arranged marriage into a culture, you'd need to start with making sure one generation of parents know their children really well.

See, so much of the preconditions that need to be in place to ensure that arranged marriages woudl even work here may not even be in place. It would be like trying to build a roof without having a good foundation laid, let alone the supporting walls.

If we had the culture here to be conducive to arranged marraiges, we woudl look vastly different as a nation. (kind of a "well duh" moment, yeah...)

And how would you go about doing that? Some people are just going to be willfully obtuse and refuse to acknowledge that their concepts of perfection will not be agreed upon by everyone.

Obviously.

edited 24th Feb '11 2:16:50 PM by Karalora

I skipped some posts/see much of the thread was thumped.

So, arranged marriage can have bad outcomes, just like non-arranged can have bad outcomes? It strikes me that a good arranged marriage doesn't really have any benefits (and maybe no detriments either) compared to a good non-arranged one. I wouldn't ban arranged marriage, but I'm not persuaded that it should be the only option.

Individual marriages vary. What I like about the Indian system is how arranged marriages seem to make intact, low-conflict families a larger percentage than the Anglo system.

So... Now would probably be a good time to talk about arranged marriages?

Both my brothers have had arranged marriages and one is still in a loving marriage and has two children. The failure of my younger brother's marriage was to do with the fact that he was repeatedly lied to by his wife which is a problem that you don't have to have an arranged marriage to result in divorce.

As an Arab Muslim, it is both cultural and religious to have arranged marriages. The key to the majority of its success is the way in which it is arranged. I should also point out that the way it is practiced by Sunni, Arab Muslims is down to the every last word of the Qur'an. I cannot speak for the influence of other cultures on Islamic Marriage, something I have witnessed with by Indian and Pakistani Muslims where there is more of a "forced" aspect.

A "match" is suggested from one parent to another of their son or daughter, usually because they have seen or met the two. They are told a little about each other if they don't know of the other already. Then a meeting is arranged by the two families to talk and decide in person if this is something that is to be pursued. This is usually the time for the potential spouses to first talk in person and get an idea of what each other wants. And quite obviously whether there is a physical attraction (and yes it is a perfectly legitimate reason to forgo any further interaction based on looks).

Then they arrange further meetings with the family to talk more with others around, some families are ok with them branching off to another room to talk alone as the meetings go by to allow for some sort of privacy. If they decide that they would like to marry, a promise of marriage is made, just like an engagement. After this the woman is permitted to remove her headscarf if she wears one in front of him, something which the male can demand once during the initial matchmaking period but is generally frowned upon. The time that follows this is considered the “courting period” in which they may now spend time together, just not overnight. This courting period used to last for a few weeks to a couple of months but can last up to years now. During the engagement period both the woman and man involved in the engagement can make a completely clean break. No ties, no issues. Then all that is left is the Islamic marriage ceremony (which these days is very heavily influenced by Western Culture, such as the exchange of rings) which allows for any previous restrictions to be removed and a life in what is traditionally a role-based marriage to begin. Oh and contrary to popular belief, both the man and the woman can break off the marriage at any time, provided it is with good reason.

So to begin a match is suggested because other people think that it is a good match based on what they know of the pair, sometimes this is even because the two people know each other or know of each other and are thus interested themselves. There is then plenty of time to get to know one another through talk. Once engaged, the courting period begins and quality time can be spent with one another. During the whole process they can break free of any commitment. I’ve met hundreds of Arab Muslim couples who went through this process, and not even a handful of those are unhappy.

I myself did not undergo an arranged marriage and I’m still very happy with my choices. It might not have been for me but I know it is for many others, including many of my friends who can’t wait for the matchmaking to begin.

I think the operative word there is "seem." My family seemed to outsiders like there was little to no conflict. That's because we were expressly forbidden to tell anyone about the misery and abuse. Not to mention, there are numerous differences between Western and Indian culture—we can't say for sure that the arrangement of marriages, rather than some other factor, is what's holding those marriages together.

{I said, "Knock it off". This includes you. —Madrugada}

edited 24th Feb '11 3:23:06 PM by Madrugada

^^That was very interesting and informative. I like you because I've learned something from this thread now.

edited 24th Feb '11 2:32:27 PM by Aondeug

In an arranged marriage situation, what would be the most suitable response to an individual (perhaps somebody like myself) who, to put it quite bluntly, loves or cares about nobody but themselves?

While I wouldn't object to being involved in an arranged marriage (as a matter of fact it is the only way I could ever be married, because I don't have any friends, which I understand can be a useful way of meeting prospective partners) because I don't believe I'm gaining or losing anything, would it be unfair to the potential partner if they are married to somebody who doesn't like or care about them?

The only problem that I can see with arranged marriages is the same as the big problem with more conventional notions of marriage; it is absolutely impossible (at least from my perspective) that the two people involved will not become bored of one another after two or three years at least.

Yay Lady Justice!

I’ve met hundreds of Arab Muslim couples who went through this process, and not even a handful of those are unhappy.

@Karalora: I don't see how it would be in any way helpful to assume that Indians and Arabs are just pretending to be happy but their families secretly have more domestic abuse than ours. "These people seem happy because they're happy" is both more parsimonious and respectful a hypothesis.