@Pykrete: the geometry can on occasion become somewhat complicated.

@Alkthash: I'd say type 7, hold the concealment. Type 8 relationships exist (and are somewhat more stable because everyone's into everyone), but they're just rarer because becoming comfortable with homo/bisexuality and polyamory can be too much for most. Especially among men, for somewhat understandable reasons.

The only stable example of a type 8 that I've ever seen, for example, was a trio of lesbians.

That said, all the ones I've ever personally been involved in could be classified as type 7s, perhaps with some additional levels of complexity due to increased number of participants.

See that's what I was thinking too. So how often do the Bs and Cs who both love the A(who loves both of them) in a type 7 usually tend to get along? Strike up a friendship? Ignore each other except when necessary? Some other third thing?

edited 17th Feb '11 9:03:23 PM by Alkthash

The successful way in my experience is the first option; generally its considered good etiquette to ask allyour partners before starting a new relationship; this tends to also institute a self-regulating aspect (the more people, the less likely all of them will like someone you bring home), which is a good thing. Ignoring doesn't work; sooner or later you're forced to be around them, and friction just makes everyone miserable.

As I said earlier, getting into a poly relationship means you will have some sort of relationship with everyone involved, whether or not you're bumping uglies with all of them.

This post was thumped by the Stick of Off-Topic Thumping.
Stay on topic, please.

This post was thumped by the Stick of Off-Topic Thumping.
Stay on topic, please.

This thread is very useful and I am Polyamorous. My hat is off to you Drunk.

Are you now? You don't happen to have any interesting anecdotes perchance?

So, I'm getting from the other page that a bit of favoritism is generally seen as a possibility in polyamorous relationships, but it's probably only looked down upon if you let it get in anybody's face, is that about right?

Also, I think this has already been explored to some extent, but if I were to hypothetically hand any of you a sliding scale with the ends labeled "Lesser-known social behavior" and "Genuine subculture," where, approximately, do you think polyamory would fall?

edited 20th Feb '11 3:15:39 PM by randomtropeloser

Likely. Not inevitable. My friends do not feel favouritism in any way, at least not to a degree that could be considered any thing other than semantic and irrelevant. They've been going that way for 2 years, so something is presumably working with them.

Okay, I'll make sure and edit my post. Hmm, it sounds like a bit of a challenge, giving two people an equal amount of affection. It by no means seems undoable though. I was thinking about more of a "I met this person first so I'll probably be more attached to them, but you can date me too." sort of deal.

Hmm, this is pretty interesting. I have a few questions, too.

1. If a woman in a stable triad/quad gets pregnant, would you consider everyone in the relationship to have equal responsibility for the child, or will the biological mother and father have the primary or sole responsibility? And is this the kind of thing you sit down and discuss before entering a relationship?

2. Say A is in a relationship with both B and C, and B and C were initially just friends. If they later develop romantic feelings for each other, would that be a problem?

This thread is very useful and I am Polyamorous. My hat is off to you Drunk.

Thanks, and glad its useful. Feel free to weigh in if you think you have a better answer than I do; I've learned most of what I know from not succeeding at polyamory until recently.

Hmm, it sounds like a bit of a challenge, giving two people an equal amount of affection. It by no means seems undoable though. I was thinking about more of a "I met this person first so I'll probably be more attached to them, but you can date me too." sort of deal.

It can happen that way, and its not always a bad thing. Again, if everyone knows the score and is getting their needs met, individual situations can vary widely from what I've put down here. Hate to sound like I'm repeating myself, but the key (at least as I see it) is openness, good communication and honesty. Things that are good in any relationship, but that are of paramount importance to a polyamorous one.

1. If a woman in a stable triad/quad gets pregnant, would you consider everyone in the relationship to have equal responsibility for the child, or will the biological mother and father have the primary or sole responsibility? And is this the kind of thing you sit down and discuss before entering a relationship?

That would be a case-by-case question, and every couple would handle it differently. I'd say that all parties probably should step in (seeing as they're all in it together) even though legally speaking only the biological parents are held accountable. This is one of those situations that makes a right hash of our current legal code, unfortunately.

And yes, the contingency plan for if kids happen is something that should be worked out beforehand, especially if the relationship is long-term and anyone involved actually wants kids in the near future.

2. Say A is in a relationship with both B and C, and B and C were initially just friends. If they later develop romantic feelings for each other, would that be a problem?

Not in principle, but it can be problematic if (again) its not discussed. Probably, it would make A's life a little easier, not to mention giving B and C more attention. That's been my experience.

However, I feel I should point out; lots of people in poly relationships like the one you describe feel like they have to be in a romantic relationship with everyone, even if no one's actually pressuring them. I don't know why this is so but I've seen it often. Anyone have any ideas there?

Thanks for the answers, drunk. (Hehe, I feel like I'm insulting you whenever I call you that.) About the feeling that you have to be romantically involved with everybody, like you said, it would probably be easier if everyone was like that to begin with, so they think they can make it better by forcing it to be that way.

Oh, another thought occured to me: It seems like the consensus here is that you have to be really mature and a good communicator to make poly work. So would you say that it's not wise to start in a poly relationship as a young person very new to dating? Should it be like a progression, practice with monogamous relationships first before trying to juggle more than one romantic partner?

edited 20th Feb '11 7:57:02 PM by OnTheOtherHandle

Thanks for the answers, drunk. (Hehe, I feel like I'm insulting you whenever I call you that.)

You're welcome, and don't worry you aren't. I am a drunk, after all.

Oh, another thought occured to me: It seems like the consensus here is that you have to be really mature and a good communicator to make poly work. So would you say that it's not wise to start in a poly relationship as a young person very new to dating? Should it be like a progression, practice with monogamous relationships first before trying to juggle more than one romantic partner?

I'd agree. Since poly is just multiple relationships happening at once, the same skills one needs in a monogamous relationship - e.g. the ones you listed, maturity and communication ability are the same. In a poly relationship, add time management and even more communications ability.

Why, are you thinking about trying it out Handle?

edited 20th Feb '11 8:03:51 PM by joeyjojo

I want to try lots of things, but let's be realistic, I'm not cut out for it, not now. It's a lot of work. Besides, what would Mommy and Daddy think?

If your worried about what mama and papa will think. I would suggested tell your parents what DrunkGirlfriend told hers...

   Absolutely Nothing   

edited 21st Feb '11 12:59:57 AM by joeyjojo

Agreed, but their advice can be valuable at times. I personally would not form any type of romantic relationship with anyone my father could not get along with.

edited 21st Feb '11 2:17:07 AM by KCK

That was a semi-joke. I'm not going to base everything on my parents' opinion, but I am still under their roof, and for four years after that, they'll be helping to pay for my college. I owe them some things.

edited 21st Feb '11 8:11:40 AM by OnTheOtherHandle

I'd never dream of telling my parents the details of my sex life, Poly or not. That is a personal matter and none of their business.

Details they won't need to know (no one needs to know), but it's hard to hide the presence of steady partners.

About poly, do you see it becoming legal anytime soon? Also, by illegal, do you mean they'll literally forbid you from cohabiting?

edited 21st Feb '11 9:12:49 AM by OnTheOtherHandle

Unless they have a maid or something that has to clean up the DNA leavings, cohabitation is basically indiscernible from regular roommates from a legal perspective.

edited 21st Feb '11 9:18:24 AM by Pykrete

@Handle: Cohabitation is illegal in Utah, and if the polygamy issue in BC is any indicator, that's not changing any time soon.

Edit: Digging up some info for you.

Reality show polygamy couple being investigated.

"Although it is rarely prosecuted, bigamy is a third-degree felony in Utah, punishable by a prison term of up to five years. Under the Utah law, a person can be found guilty of bigamy through cohabitation, not just legal marriage contracts."

edited 21st Feb '11 9:32:54 AM by DrunkGirlfriend

The Utah attorney general strikes me as oddly sane.

"It has been our office's position not to pursue cases of bigamy between consenting adults," the attorney general's spokesman, Scott Troxel, said Tuesday. "We want to use our resources wisely."