ITT: You are in a WRPG

The Western counterpart to the "You are in a JRPG" thread.

Father (who is probably voiced by Patrick Stewart or Liam Neeson or something): Good morning, my child. Today is your coming of age ceremony. Ever since I found you as a baby after you had broken out of that prison ship that was headed for this village which was attacked by water-orcs, I knew you would make me proud.

• 1. Thankyou, father.
• 2. Shut up, old man.
• 3. Wait, you're not my real father?

edited 25th Jan '11 5:28:45 AM by AirofMystery

Oh no! The bandits have stolen my Fleshlight! Please, it means everything to me. Please get it back.

• 1. I'll do it.
• 2. I think I won't do it, and kill you instead.
• 3. Uh...dude, okay, what?!

Oh no! The bandits have stolen my Adult Diapers! Please, it means everything to me. Please get it back.

<<starts raking the wall>>

Female NPC: Dear god, it's so chilly wearing this...

(to NPC): "What can you tell me about the Goblin Wars?"

Oh no! The bandits have stolen my Guro Doujinshi! Please, it means everything to me. Please get it back.

Female NPC: The short answer is that the Goblin wars were started over an argument of wether or not goblins should live with humans. The goblins responded violently.

• 1. How terrible! Why can't we all work together to defeat the true evil: giant rats!
• 2. I approve of their methods!
• 3. [Lie] I approve of their methods!

edited 25th Jan '11 7:46:08 AM by AirofMystery

>NPC: Overlook the remains of your house.

Female NPC: Of course you do. Why else would your father tell you to get out of the house and do stuff? What were you gonna do? Sew dresses?

"No! Father! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

<<loots his corpse>>

Did somebody say goblins?
-pulls out magic staff-
I. HATE. GOBLIIIIIINS!No, seriously.

edited 25th Jan '11 4:36:26 PM by Slouch

Female NPC: Who doesn't? Sometimes I think that even goblins hate goblins and the only reason why they rush into battle is because they're suicidal.

Goblin: Sssshrrr! We is attacking your villlagggge now!

• 1. No, stop, I won't let you!
• 2. Well, don't let me get in your way.
• 3. What the hell does 'sssshrrr' mean?

Female NPC: Probably some variant of "Kill me" in Goblinese.

(throws a fireball at the Goblin)

(A house is set aflame as collateral damage)

Male NPC: Hey, watch where you're aiming! You've set my house on fire! What do you have to say for yourself?

edited 25th Jan '11 7:29:42 PM by MrPastry

Female NPC: The goblin made me do it.

edited 25th Jan '11 7:38:32 PM by AwesomeZombie22

Goblin: Shhhhrrrrri! Destroy the humanz in the name of the Dark King!

• 1. Who's the Dark King?
• 2. I need to get out of here!
• 3. I wonder how I can carry all this stuff...

Female NPC: This is it! I have had it with these motherfucking goblins in my motherfucking village!

(conks the goblin over the head with a club)

Other Male NPC: She swore...

...that means that this is a new-fangled Bio Ware RPG!

<<everyone suddenly goes slo-mo and starts bleeding out of every orifice while 'This Is The New Shit' plays>>

I actually do like Dragon Age, but the Darker and Edgier stuff still amuses me.

Seriously! Fuck goblins!
-starts mass-murdering goblins with spells-

So...which one of you can I romance?

City Guard: Move along citizen.

-notices goblin-

City Guard: STOPRIGHTTHERECRIMINALSCUM!!

-charges forward-

edited 26th Jan '11 2:06:33 AM by Vox