Give or Critique a Story Short Summary

aishkiz I'll critique your summaries, but know that I personally place much importance in the title of a work. An interesting title can sometimes win the battle singlehandedly (like Fading Light, from this thread), while a title I don’t like can make me automatically reject your story. So yeah, titles are very important.

[Story 1] : No. There's no hook at all. Things will be different now, that's all it says. In such a setting, this tells me nothing. Try to make it seem different than all the other stories.

[Story 2] (First one): Yes. That's a great hook. Ugliness, imminent death, and the promise of mystery elements. Great combination, this one.

[Story 2] (Second one): Yes. Interesting premise, very promising. Definitely better summary than the other two.

In My Time: No. It's just a normal ghost-story summary. Nothing I wouldn't expect, and nothing to get my attention.

Morning's End: Yes. Though, from the sounds of it, I'd probably drop it after a few pages. But I'm hoping it's going to have the style I hope it does.

With Snow And Sword: No. I'm unfamiliar with both worlds, and modern era Roman soldiers are not awesome enough to attract me.

Glass Eye: Yes. Tough choice, but yes. I've never read anything like what it sounds, which is where most of it's appeal comes from. I found the last one better, by the way.

The Ones Who Can Wait: Yes. MUCH better than the last one, this actually tells us some things about the plot. Although there's some fear of Angst overflow, I'd give this a chance.

Saving Rose: Yes. However, it would be good if you could use something more specific than "monster". Makes it sound generic, though perhaps it's there to show how others view it, while she's not actually one. But it sounds that's not the case. Anyway, you have a interesting premise for character interaction.

Let me try this again (shameless thread-bump because I like it)

• Title: Stakes
• Rating: M, for sex, violence and pervasive drug use.
• Genre: cyberpunk/gothic black comedy

Summary:

At the tables of Big Casino, first prize makes you immortal. Second makes you dinner. But together with a burned-out supersoldier and a hacker's ghost, Roulette's going to prove the old gambler's adage correct...When your enemy's holding all the aces, kick over the table.

Drunk: I like the energy, but it's a bit unwieldy. Also the genre-smushing puts me off, just stick with "darkly humorous cyberpunk". Also also the second sentence made me think, "Oh, so you get a free meal? That's nice I guess, but more like third prize—OH."

I'd clip out a couple redundant bits ("table" is used twice in one paragraph, which is a no; by using "with", the reader automatically knows the mentioned characters are in a group and "together" is unneccessary; you're already talking about casinos so "gambler's" is also repetitious) and the ellipses (which drags the energy down), so it reads more like:

At Big Casino, first prize makes you immortal. There are no runners up. With the help of a burned-out supersoldier and a hacker's ghost, Roulette's going to prove the old adage correct: When your enemy's got all the aces, kick over the table.

edited 4th Feb '11 5:18:43 PM by Leradny

@Leradny: All good advice, and I do like your re-write. I'll keep playing with it...as well as maybe finish the damn story sometime.

Stakes: Yes. You got an instant win for an awesome premise with a promising party. The "Second makes you dinner." line felt somewhat... out of place, so to speak. Not fitting with the rest of it. That was the only thing that bothered me.

(After reading Lenardy's post the repetitions are quite obvious and hit to the eyes, but on my first read I didn't pay nearly enough attention to notice them.)

Quatre: There are blind people, and there are people who can't see what Cat sees.

Milestones Unturned: By the end of the Great War, Eos Whitford is respected by millions, feared by thousands, the killer of hundreds, lusted after by dozens, and personally known by a grand total of two. Liam Harrison is surprised to find himself in the last group.

edited 6th Feb '11 8:24:24 PM by Leradny

Yay I'm back. And fiiinally posting back here, heh. [/lazy]

uncomfortableadventures, woah, you had a field day didn't you XD ? Thanks for the feedback, though some of it may not be too useful for me. As for Iris Inn and Parallel Worlds, I strictly made myself avoid adding any big conflict; as a slice-of-life comedy, I wanted to make a different type of experience than what I think you may look for in a story. As for Meet Myrrh, :sigh: you're right of course. It is pretty boring though; it's more like a practice comic I do in spare time, so there's not much to say about it -shrug- ^^; . Thanks for your other comments too, they're very helpful!

- - -

Upload Eight Summary A: No. But I feel this is the strongest of the three in terms of interest value. The content is intriguing and has some juicy details. However, the actual writing has something a bit off about it, especially around the end of the first sentence. You can either break it into two sentences or fiddle a bit with wording. Summary B: No. Incredibly vague, rather generic, and doesn't pull my interest at all. Summary C: No. But it's better than B, and it does make me mildly curious. It doesn't have as many interesting details as A, but it's a little different from what I usually see.

Of Sewing and Butterfly Wings Maybe Yes. I like fantasy, and slice of life fantasy seems interesting. It's written solidly enough, and seems mildly intriguing. The last sentence seems a bit 'eh' somehow though, maybe awkward, or maybe cliche. I don't really know though.

The War Maker Yes. The last line won me over, it made me chuckle, and a bit of wit does wonders to a summary. The premise presented is interesting, presented in an amusing and concise fashion. However, the first two sentences, while the content is interesting and nothing is really wrong technically, could be written a bit better, more naturally. Try to vary up the wording and see if you can get a stronger result with the same content.

We Can Grow Poppies No. The second sentence is fine, but the first is a bit clunky. Break it into two or use ; or — . Something. The part with Doree is fine as its own sentence, but the part with Oscar doesn't have the same 'rhythm', or 'beat', as the other two parts; make it match, and it will flow well.

53 Years to Learn Yes, but only because I am a fan of yuri and would take a peak just to see if it interests me. I wouldn't be eager though, I'd be cautious. It's alright, but either add a comma or a period in the second sentence. It's a similar 'flow' problem.

Away Laughing Really, the first one is a what?? I never would have guessed. I'm not sure how to feel about that XD . One thing I wanted to note was that all your titles were very good, so keep that up. Titles can be a real bitch to figure out; I suck at them big time =P .

aishkiz's [Story 1] No. Sounds like you've got a lot of material to work with, but it's written in a generic formula that I've seen a thousand times and just tosses a bunch of elements together. The lack of title also hurts it.

aishkiz's [Story 2] Door 1: Yes. I have a personal taste for dialogue summaries, and this line is well-written and interesting. I also find it a little funny, and it does a good job of peaking someone's curiosity. 'Why is this man about to die again?' Door 2: Yes. This one is even better than the first. Very many unique and interesting elements put together, and still quite well-written. 'The Model Citizen' is an intriguing title, 'perfect dictatorship' is a rare but very fascinating concept, and the rhetorical questions that come after do great to follow up on the sparked curiosity with some plot elements.

In My Time No. Not at all. The snippet of dialogue is too randomly cut from the story, and it's not snappy enough. You can tell it's part of a bigger, verbose bit of writing, and it just feels unfinished, not like a hook at all. Rather than bringing me in, it feels like it leave me out, leaves me lost. It tells me nothing, and has many extraneous details unnecessary in a summary this short.

Morning's End No. The spelling and grammar mistakes immediately disqualify this, and it's a bit long for a short-summary. Mistakes including 'It's', 'since', 'spared', 'rose', etc.. Lots of generic elements that can be cut shorter; for example, the typical consequences of a plague can be guessed and summarized in a short sentence. The 'people themselves' seem to be the real protagonists, so push them to more importance, give them more detail.

With Snow And Sword No. I don't know anything about the fandom, and nothing really captures me personally.

Saving Rose No. Nothing in particular grabs my attention, but nothing in particular is really wrong either, leaving it So OK It'sAverage.

Stakes Yes, though it's not my usual story. Very very interesting content, and it's got some style. The first two sentences are the more interesting, the last sentence is also a great finishing touch, and the middle has some good added details.

- - -

Maybe later I'll post some more summaries of my own... somehow though, it seems I find it more of a bother to make my own summaries than critique others' ^^; .

<3 ali

EDIT: Sorry, didn't realize Slan and Leradny were the same; snipped that critique out.

edited 8th Feb '11 11:51:46 PM by almyki

All four are new summaries, though.

Title: The Compassionate Warrior

Ages 15+, Romance/Adventure

Summary: "Be a lover, not a fighter?" Since when were those two mutually exclusive? A young man who loves to fight decides to fight for love.

Monstrous.

Fantasy/Action

M 15+

"Could you kill someone if you knew they had killed someone?"

"Yes? How about if they haven't killed someone yet? If you know they're going to? If it's unavoidable, guaranteed? Could you kill someone then?"

"Yes? How about if there's just a high chance they might kill someone? What if it's not guaranteed, but just likely? Could you kill someone then?"

"Here in the Department of Elenium, this is our job. We kill the Monstrous, innocents who will grow up to be vicious killers. We kill them before they have a chance to kill you."

edited 9th Feb '11 9:48:17 PM by CyganAngel

Sal Fish Fin: No. It tells us nothing about the characters or the plot besides the fact that there is going to be conflict, and that doesn't exactly narrow things down.

Cygan Angel: No. This is a thread for summaries, not excerpts. One sentence of dialogue is acceptable in a summary, not an entire conversation. It is a nicely written conversation, but I'd like to know about the general plot and what the main characters are like.

Also. Still haven't gotten feedback on my two new ones.

Leradny, it was a while ago so maybe you forgot, but you made it clear that you didn't like my critique style. I said I'd avoid your summaries so we wouldn't run into that problem anymore.

The Compassionate Warrior No. It is very generic and vague, and gives no unique information about your story. I think you could do something with this, but you need to go farther with it.

Monstrous First, I'm going to assume you're trying something different from usual with this summary, yes? It seems like a good length to use on the back of a book as a summary blurb, so I'll grade it on that basis. Yes, probably just flipping through to see if it interests me. It's not usually my genre, so I probably wouldn't read the whole thing. I like the creeping-up approach that builds suspense and curiosity, and the hook is strong. I am most strongly wondering how this organization knows who will become bad or not, and that kind of plot tends to excite me if done well. Somehow, though, the last line seems weaker than the rest. I think it would be stronger if you cut that sentence entirely.

<3 ali

edited 9th Feb '11 6:30:35 PM by almyki

Er. I was a bit stressed back then. You can critique my summaries all you'd like now.

Leradny- it was suggested to me earlier in the thread that I might want to go for blurbs or longer excerpts, because I was having a lot of difficulty trying to condense it.

It's still short- it's not a summary or anything. It's the blurb on the back, rather.

Ali- Yeah, I was worrying about that. Last sentence cut ^_^

Also, it's not a conversation.

If you'll notice, there's only one person speaking the whole time.

edited 9th Feb '11 9:47:12 PM by CyganAngel

My problem, I think, is as much with the title as with the synopsis.

Title: Integration

Rating: Mature, for much graphic violence and profanity etc.

Genre: Low-fantasy/Combustion punk

Summary: The situation was grim. The 2nd Infantry were routed in the defense of Osund. Most of the 7th Fleet was sunk off the coast of Lyonesse including an Ironclad and 4 troop ships, the Marine contingents aboard almost certainly drowned. The 26th Dragoons were flanked and scattered by the Monolith Legion at Ashaza pass.

More presently, he along with 400 other men were about to march towards the lines of the enemy which had done all that. An enemy that could literally make fire rain down from the skies. Huh, look. It had just begun to snow. Private Malcolm Wesley clutched his shivering hands tighter around his rifle. A single-action Zastava Bm-9. He squinted through the flakes, now falling thick and heavy all around, at the enemy. He thought he could see them. He wasn't sure. He blinked twice, breath coming up in wispy, crystallized puffs. A voice sounded, loud and indistinct. The formation surged forward and he marched onwards, along with 400 other boys and men, to die.

Title: Star Cry

Rating: Mature, also for much graphic violence and profanity, adult themes etc.

Genre: Sci-fi/military sci-fi

Summary: Here’s the deal. It’s the 28th century. Humanity has ascended to the stars, colonized numerous alien worlds with the help of FTL travel, befriended intelligent extraterrestrial life and developed advanced nanotechnology capable of rapidly fabricating quite literally anything for nothing.

And we’re still going to war against and killing one-another. I want to find out why. Do you?

So, what do you guys think?

edited 10th Feb '11 4:40:46 AM by Gault

The first one is too long, I'll say. For an excerpt.

The second ones a bit... listy. There's no hook.

edited 10th Feb '11 4:41:48 AM by CyganAngel

Ah shit. Are the titles any better in your opinion?

Integration was good; fits in well with the theme.

No clue about the second. I have absolutely no idea what the story's about.

Thanks. Though that synopsis for Integration isn't an excerpt, I just wrote that up on the spot. It shows, doesn't it?

I'll try to work on those.

It does.

Try sitting on one for a while, think about it.

I sat on my above one for two days before putting it here, and it still needs work.

So yeah. See what you can do if you give yourself some time.

Saving Rose: Rose is enjoying her strange new powers. But her friend Dancer knows she's not herself.

Any better?

I don't know how to be more specific about what Rose is, because she's an Emotion Eater.

edited 10th Feb '11 7:16:50 AM by Ettina

Um, all right then, so long as you don't have a problem with it I guess...

Glass Eye No. I liked the last one better, actually. This one seems pretty boring to me.

The Ones Who Can Wait No. Though the dimension-hopping does seem interesting. But the last sentence seems unrelated and uninteresting; dead family is ridiculously common in fiction, so it does nothing at all to add interest.

Quatre No. Not enough info, I don't know what to think, so I'd just skip right past it.

Milestones Unturned Yes. Sounds sexy, and great progression from millions to one. It makes a strong continuity of ideas into one plot within the summary, and compounds the interest of the character 'till the end. It makes you want to know who these people are, what their story is.

Integration No. The title is fine, it's decent but not great. The summary is pretty long, and it seems unnecessarily so. The whole first paragraph is basically expanding on the initial sentence, 'The situation was grim', and in tons of unfamiliar and complex jargon to boot. It's hard to get into, doesn't catch the interest, and I ended up skimming most of it. Honestly, I would have stopped reading after the second sentence as a normal reader. Lots of extraneous detail and prose, that's good for inside the story, but not for a summary meant to draw in readers. One thing it does do is establish that you can actually write, which is a strong selling point in its own way for some (depending on where you're looking, it can be very hard just to find passable writing skill) . But you can do that in much smaller space, and I can tell you can compress most of this down a whole lot.

Star Cry No. I like the title better than the last one, it's a bit more unique and kind of pretty. The straight-forward conversational style of the summary is, I think, good, it adds flavor and a personal touch, but it's still a bit long. Also, lots of the information seems a bit generic for a sci-fi, and could maybe be cut down some. Finally, the hook has potential but is too vague and kind of cliche, so try and be more specific with where the story is going with that.

Saving Rose No. Better, but still not great. It's a bit more clear, since last time I had the misunderstanding that Rose actually mutated into some kind of hideous monstrous creature or something ^^; . The first sentence is fine, but the second doesn't follow up strongly enough. It's got potential in the content, but make it a bit more dramatic; right now it's very flat and stiff. I think that you could totally mention, probably in a new separate sentence, that Rose has become an 'Emotion Eater', using that term; the audience doesn't have to know what that is. The label is unique and interesting and may peak some people's curiosity enough to click to find out just what an 'Emotion Eater' is.

<3 ali

edited 12th Feb '11 1:05:24 AM by almyki

Thanks again for the feedback to those who provided it. I might have missed a post or two along the way.

Okay. I'm going to try two I've actually used for stuff I've posted. One story was a big hit, the other not so much (in terms of Favorites, not Reviews). We'll see if anyone can tell which was which.

Title: Escape from Base 6-4

Genre: Action, war pulp

Summary: In the year 20XX, Base 6-4 falls to the forces of SubSpace. Popo, Bowser, Lucario, Kirby, and Olimar have one chance. And that chance is to fight back! Too bad they don't stand a Freezie's chance in Norfair. A military AU in 3 parts.

____________________________________________________________

Title: In Another Castle

Genre: Drama/Romance

Summary: A dramatic retelling of the famous ending to the classic 1985 home video game, Super Mario Brothers, wherein Super Mario at last rescues Princess Peach. One shot.

edited 12th Feb '11 1:18:17 AM by MildGuy

Title: This Is My Story

Genre: Mainly Fantasy, but it dabbles in other genres as well

Summary: Every man has a story to tell, a beginning, and an ending. Can Terrat give wisdom to the next generation, so they may right the wrongs of today?

I just want to mention that this is not going to be a This Is My Story piece of work. I plan on this being a collection of fifteen short stories and an internarrative.

Quatre: No. This is one of the cases where telling us what genre it is would really help, as I have absolutely no idea what kind of story this is. Structurally, there is nothing wrong I can find with the summary, but I'm passing this.

Milestones Unturned: Yes. I've no idea where this is going, but Eos sounds badass enough to be worth checking it out. Though the "Great War" does sound somewhat uninspired, the summary still stands strong.

The Compassionate Warrior: No. The plot is based on a ridiculous idea. I don't care if the protagonist's goal is to avert this idea, I'm still not trusting this story. (To be fair, I'm not a fan of romance anyway.)

Monstrous: Yes. More unsure than my usual yeses, I'm only getting in to see how they know who will become a future killer. If it turns out to be something common like seers, I'll probably leave it unless the story surprises me in some way.

Two things of notice: The title is Monstrous., with a dot which leaves a bad impression. Also, while the Department of Elenium (apparently) kills those that just have a high chance of becoming killers, the narrator says: "innocents who will grow up to be vicious killers". The emphasis that is placed in the certainity of the fact that their victims are future killers makes the original morally grey premise kind of moot.

So yeah, I'd check it, but would leave it very easily.

Integration: No. The obvious size problem put aside, the text, while it would be a fine opening for your story, isn't a summary. It reads like the first paragraph, not as a description of what the story will be like. It doesn't offer anything for the potential reader to grab upon, other than the promise of a "war story". That's not enough. We need promises for something more.

Star Cry: No. It's a classic sci-fi premise, apparently with nothing new to offer. Also, I got a bit biased because I'm don't want to find out why humans still kill each other, the answer seeming obvious. So that line didn't help any, and since it was the only one slighly different line in the whole summary...

Saving Rose(Second Try): No. I actually liked the first one better because, even if "monster" was vague, it still showed that whatever Rose had become, it was a terrible thing (or at least, Dancer thought it was). Now, it sounds to me more like Rose has gained magical powers, and she's got carried away/became addicted to it. Definitely not what you were trying to accomplish. I suggest keeping some indication of "mosterness" in the summary.

Escape from Base 6-40: No. Very generic title and summary. And that's all it is. It really needs some kind of hook.

In Another Castle: Yes. But only for the sake of the meme, since I'm not otherwise interested in a Mario story. Expecting a dissapointment, since you outright tell us that Peach will be rescued, but I'm still curious.

This Is My Story: No. Another one of the Not Telling Anything About The Plot summaries. In all fairness, this is a collection of short stories, but still: Why should I care if I don't know anything about them?