Follow TV Tropes

Following

Major Tom's Endless Conflict Archive Thread

Go To

MajorTom Since: Dec, 2009
#1: Jan 4th 2011 at 8:08:32 PM

(Probably short lived owing to me shipping out to basic at the end of the month but whatever, I'll make a backup of whatever the thread contains just before I go.)

I've finally gotten around to making this thread. An archive of newly created excerpts, revisions, plotbunnies and general stuff I feel I should write down. Go ahead and critique/trope any of it if you wish. Ask for more excerpts if you wish, I likely will provide whatever I have assuming it's not those rated as in dire need of revision.

My most recent writing once again delves into Scenery Porn and if you look closely, you will notice some very fine Character Development going on.

May contain minor Continuity Lockout.

Chapter Seventeen: The Flames Of War

June 23, 2472: 1213 hours. Elysium City, capital of Elysium colony.

“Scorpion Five this is Traveller 2-3, be advised we have eyes on a large concentration of Terran armor headed in your vicinity, how copy over?”

“Copy Traveller 2-3, we’re dug in at a large civilian office building, we got eyes on multiple Terran APCs, IFVs, tanks and light tactical vehicles arranged in a dual stacked protective column. Standing by to engage over.”

“Scorpion Five to Mantis Actual, requesting fire support for fire mission, rocket artillery barrage at ……. to fire on our mark over.”

“Scorpion Five, Mantis Actual. Locust Seven is standing by awaiting your call.”

“Copy. Locust Seven this is Scorpion Five we have engaged Terran armor and attached infantry on our position at………questing fire support for fire mission. Enemy armor and infantry in the open and advancing on our position.”

“Scorpion Five, rocket batteries on full standby preparing to fire….Shot over.”

“Shot out!”

“Splash over.”

“Splash out!”

“Target hit over?”

“Target hit out!”

“Mantis Actual, Scorpion Five, be advised report multiple Terran armored vehicles disabled or destroyed and the rest of the convoy is in retreat, we’re on mission continue…”

“Skysweeper Three to Mantis Actual, requesting air cover ov………my Kitsune batteries have run dry and we’re running on AA guns only, significant Terran air power overhead and have been hit by multiple attack runs over.”

“Skysweeper Three, Mantis Actual be advised most of our air support is already engaged. We’ll divert some air cover over to your position, in the meantime your orders are to fall back to secondary ADA position southwest of your present. Notifying Mantis Prime of the change in air cover.”

“Emerald Actual, Emerald Three! We have engaged multiple Terran infantry across the river to the east of the park, our position is being contested heavily across two directions. Our position is danger of being over-…”

“Emerald Actual, Emerald Five, Emerald Three is down and we are pinned down by heavy fire from Terran infantry taking defensive positions in the nearby buildings to our east and north! Where the hell are you? We need additional manpower now!”

“Mantis Actual, this is Dragonfly 3-6, my flight of four A-22 Mirais are in position and beginning our run on enemy armor column. Standby for update over.”

“Standing by.”

“Mantis Actual, this is Dragonfly 3-6, enemy armor column has been disabled. Target ratio is fifty over one hundred. Returning to base.”

Anzan opened his eyes as the last radio transmission ceased. All around him the white and pink petals of the cherry trees fluttered about in the air as he sat on the bench beneath him. Spring had come to Elysium City just in time for the sakura petals to bloom and fall as they did every year. Today a grey sky pervaded the blizzard of petals amongst the cherry grove here in Elysium City Park and a light rain pattered about the trees pelting each remaining petal with a light tap. This comforted Anzan inside, the light rain dimming the noise of distant battle elsewhere in the city. But the peaceful scene in the cherry grove he knew would not last forever as similar brief bloomings were common in the Antara cherry tree back home.

“It is time my son, we are moving.” Swordmaster Khornan said before growing curious of the expression on Anzan’s face. “Are you okay my son?”

“Look at them all father. The petals fall like fresh snow all around us, just like spring back home.”

Khornan walked over and sat beside his son as the rain and cherry blossoms continued to fall around them, rainwater washing over their blue hair.

“Yes. And like back home they carry the message of both birth and death. I greatly fear that one day we will not have enough trees to honor all the dead of this war. But truly this is a wondrous gift to see despite what is says.”

“I fear the same will happen too father.” Anzan replied in understanding.

“I never told you this much before when you were younger, but I’ve always carried a deep liking for scenes like these. So peaceful compared to the constant reminders of the eternal conflict around us. Do you know how many Lancers have died in since I became Swordmaster?”

“No father.”

“Two million, four hundred thirty two thousand, three hundred and two. Every last one of them I keep as a reminder of what my charge as Swordmaster is and the trials even I have yet to come. One day you too may know what it means to be this. But I pray that in your lifetime at least, there shall be the peace honorable warriors like us deserve, if not victory in our hearts at the end.”

Khornan stood back up from the bench. “But in the meantime, we must do as we’re needed. Not only for our own honor but to preserve our people’s future.”

Anzan stood up next to him. “And that is why we are here on this world. To protect and defend those we swear on our lives and our honor over.”

edited 4th Jan '11 8:10:23 PM by MajorTom

Slan Since: Nov, 2010
#2: Jan 4th 2011 at 9:12:23 PM

sakura petals

You called them "cherry blossoms" as well. I'd recommend dropping the gratuitous Japanese. It's distracting and Narmy.

Not to mention that for something that claims to be Scenery Porn, there's an awful lot of Talking Heads. Meaning, you only spend one paragraph on their surroundings. Be consistent. What's the radio transmission scene about? He's not in a jet and you don't mention any audio playing devices, nor do you mention that it is a flashback of any sort, so the reader struggles for context.

Your dialogue sounds incredibly stilted and distant rather than formal, as I assume you were aiming for. Since you did all right with the radio transmission, I'll assume it's the formality that gives you a problem. Try thinking of how you would talk in a business interview.

Your dialogue is also purely exposition, and that will stomp out about 60% of reader interest. The characters seem to agree on big things like war, so they should get along—yet I don't see any sort of familial affection, and why they're speaking formally is beyond me. He could be talking to a new kid at work since there is only one sentence that isn't devoted to politics rather than, I don't know, asking one's son how his day went or how he feels or if he has a girlfriend or what happened to his mom.

Your naming convention is rather... uninspired. Elysium Colony with a capital city of Elysium, I can understand. Elysium City Park? Why not call them the Fields? And why are two Japanese people watching cherry blossoms fall in a place named after Greek mythology?

Not to mention, rain isn't very kind to delicate cherry blossoms. They'd just sort of pool into the gutters or disappear amidst the mud. A light breeze would have been better.

All in all, this was nothing special.

edited 4th Jan '11 9:13:24 PM by Slan

MajorTom Since: Dec, 2009
#3: Jan 5th 2011 at 8:49:03 PM

I probably should have put more up than that. At least maybe with what I have here. Probably provides a hell of a lot more context on the opening part. Ah well.

There is no missing continuity between this excerpt and the last.

“Indeed.” Khornan finished as he and Anzan began walking out of the cherry grove.

As the pair emerged from underneath the trees of the park, the serene peacefulness of the grove quickly gave way to the reality of the city around them. Anti-aircraft fire lit up the sky in almost every direction and bright flashes from distant explosions continuously lit up the horizon. The thundering of those explosions and the distant gunfire continually sounded from every direction as well. The pattering of light rain drowned out amidst the sound of battle. Around Anzan, other Lancers quickly gathered as the Swordmaster took point to the north. At the same time a pair of Mirai fighters screamed overhead headed south as they returned from an attack run somewhere in the city.

“Traveller 2-3, give us an update. We are receiving reports of enemy attack aircraft approaching from the northeast, can you confirm over?”

“Affirmative, we got eyes on multiple tilt-thruster attack aircraft coming in at low altitude.”

Anzan remembered he had left the radio on to receive, but he figured it might be worth listening to what is happening in the battle around him.

“Alright everyone, our battleplan is going to be simple for this one. Hilancer Lord Kasen has an advance portion of his division advanced onto our side of the river and has called for assistance. His efforts are vital in our plans for the region therefore we must not fail in reaching him and assisting in every possible way we can. Do all of you understand?” Khornan said addressing the nearby group.

The group Anzan included nodded in affirmation.

“Very well, let’s move!”

The cadre of Lancers quickly advanced three hundred meters to the north catching sight of Kasen’s detachment holding position with Swordmaster Khornan holding amongst the lead. Ahead of them on a small rolling grassy rise, several A-32 “Kappa” main battle tanks held position alongside A-34 “Kasha” tracked IF Vs and flanked by several Karakasa light tactical vehicles. Preyaran infantry packed in all along the line continuously firing out towards the north and enemy fire from the north passed by them or impacting into the light mud and grass they stood on. On the right of the defensive line a tall Preyaran adorned with deep red hair stood about directing nearby Lancers to keep pushing forward onto the line and directing fire from the vehicles.

“Maintain a base of fire towards the north, concentrate your attention on heavy weapons crews and dug in positions!” Hilancer Lord Kasen yelled out directing the nearby Lancers about him.

“Lord Kasen, what is your status?” Khornan said to the red haired Preyaran as he rushed over to him on foot.

The rest of the Lancers following Khornan including Anzan quickly followed behind. On the line two Lancers quickly dropped to the ground, cut down by enemy fire. A third stumbled over as a particle bolt struck her in the right shoulder. As others rushed over to help, she signaled she would be alright and that the bolt didn’t penetrate her armor.

“Not good Swordmaster, my advance team is pinned down by a large dug in line of Terran infantry on the far side of the road cutting through this part of the park near the soccer field! Better yet, Terran infantry forces have formed a strongpoint over in the four story building to the northeast!” Kasen replied pointing to a nearby damaged four story commercial building. “They have barricaded their position with missiles, heavy weapons fire and-“

“INCOMING!” One of the nearby Lancers shouted as several rocket artillery rounds began impacting along the Preyarans’ line. Meanwhile a Terran 90mm FGM-255 Javelin anti-armor missile popped up from the top of the four story building flying upwards towards the sky before stalling in mid flight, turning back down and rapidly accelerating towards its target a Kappa main battle tank on the far left side of the vehicle formation. A large explosion quickly erupted from the left side as the tank burst open. A second Javelin missile quickly followed streaming into the air towards the south, sending an approaching Mirai fighter tumbling and rolling to the right as it flew burning overhead to the northeast.

“As I said, they have barricaded in with missiles, heavy weapons fire, and machine guns raining hell on my advance force!” Kasen said as several more rocket artillery rounds exploded along his line. The Kappa and Kasha armored vehicles traded fire in return towards the enemy line. “It gets even better too! I have reports coming in that Terran armor and attack aircraft are counterattacking from the north and northwest headed right for this position! I cannot move the rest of my division to engage from across the river while that strongpoint rains hell here!”

“Understood. We’ll hit the strongpoint at the four story building and do what we can to break up the infantry line. Once we’re in the building, begin moving the rest of your division up from across the river. We’ll provide covering and supporting fire from there at every available opportunity. Can you provide us with some supporting fire and maybe some spare manpower to help us get there?” Khornan said as enemy fire intensified all around the battle.

“I’ll direct whatever I can spare to help out. Just get in there and help us help you.” Kasen replied.

Several more rocket artillery rounds exploded amongst the line, one of them striking a Lancer directly not thirty meters from Kasen and Khornan. As the dirt began clearing it became readily evident nothing larger than a shoe remained of the poor soul.

“Alright, you heard Kasen, let’s move! Be fast and don’t stop for anything!” Khornan said over to his men as a Kappa on the right side of the line moved into firing position along the northbound road running on the right side of the Preyaran line.

Anzan and the other Lancers, joined by several from Kasen’s position began taking off in a run towards the Terran position in the four story building. At the same time, machine gun positions overlooking the field due south of it opened up on Khornan’s group as they advanced.

“Keep moving forward through the machine gun fire! We got to get to the building!” Khornan yelled as several Lancers to his left and right were cut down. Still he kept his pace running forward towards his destination.

Anzan followed close behind fully clutching his now unslung A-4 particle rifle tightly in both hands. Like Khornan he too kept up his pace running the gamut of machine gun fire through the field. At the same time, several rocket artillery rounds directed at the field itself began impacting one by one. One round slammed to the left of the Lancer ahead of Anzan blowing him over to the right and severing his left leg. Anzan quickly jumped over the downed Lancer and kept going. Another round impacted behind him.

A 90mm particle bolt from the Kappa on the left road impacted the second floor corner of the Terran strongpoint blowing a large hole out of the building while at the lead of the formation Khornan was getting close, a brick barricade adorning the side of the street in front of the building was now less than fifty meters away from him. Just behind Khornan, Anzan caught sight of a Kasha IFV advancing on the building over to his right on the north bound road. Two more rocket artillery rounds impacted near him, one engulfing a pair of Lancers to his left while he heard machine gun fire cut down three more Lancers behind him. At the same moment another Javelin missile popped up from the top of the building flying up towards the sky before coming back down on the Kappa on the road destroying it. Finally making it to the brick barricade, Anzan ducked behind it as cover to catch a quick breath. Several more Lancers quickly followed behind with several more just behind them.

The Kasha on the right came to a stop by the corner before training its gun on the first floor of the building and opening fire with its 40mm autocannon firing multiple particle bolts into the Terran defenders behind the windows. Several small explosions burst from the walls as the Kasha’s fire hit the facade.

“Lord Kasen, we’re at the base of the strongpoint. Begin moving your division up, we’re heading inside.” Khornan quickly radioed before turning to the surviving Lancers around him huddled at the brick wall. “We can’t stay here, the Kasha’s got them suppressed for now, but it’s a damn killzone behind us. There’s no choice now but to get inside and clear them out.”

Also I've formed a bit of a plotbunny for later but I'm still working the kinks out. Basically in a chapter not too long from now, I'm planning on doing a paradrop-style insertion but only it occurs in low orbit around a habitable planet. Apart from figuring a few maths out and deriving needed equipment for an infantryman and his gear to survive such a jump, re-entry heat effects or not depending on velocity I'm trying to build a situation that is both cool to imagine and works from a military standpoint. Anyone got any feedback for that on how I can make that work from a believable level?

colbertimposter Since: Dec, 1969
#4: Jan 6th 2011 at 2:00:20 PM

I'm curious what reading the first chapter would be like. It seems like this starts partway through the story, leaving me lost on the importance of what's happening and the characters' relationships.

MajorTom Since: Dec, 2009
#5: Jan 6th 2011 at 2:16:26 PM

It kinda is. In terms of a three act structure, this chapter is roughly 30% or so through the second act.

I personally no longer like the first chapter I wrote hence its need for some serious revision work. Most of the rest really only needs polishing work in my opinion, describe the scenery a bit more here, embellish the detail of the action there, maybe alter some of the scenes to flow better.

After all I really didn't fully find the style I use now until almost the end of the first act.

MajorTom Since: Dec, 2009
#6: Jan 13th 2011 at 8:25:42 PM

Update for more, I'm including a slightly revised edition of the previous postings. This one concludes the chapter in full.

Chapter Seventeen: The Flames Of War

June 23, 2472: 1213 hours. Elysium City, capital of Elysium colony.

“Scorpion Five this is Traveller 2-3, be advised we have eyes on a large concentration of Terran armor headed in your vicinity, how copy over?”

“Copy Traveller 2-3, we’re dug in at a large civilian office building, we got eyes on multiple Terran APCs, IF Vs, tanks and light tactical vehicles arranged in a dual stacked protective column. Standing by to engage over.”

“Scorpion Five to Mantis Actual, requesting fire support for fire mission, rocket artillery barrage at ……. to fire on our mark over.”

“Scorpion Five, Mantis Actual. Locust Seven is standing by awaiting your call.”

“Copy. Locust Seven this is Scorpion Five we have engaged Terran armor and attached infantry on our position at………questing fire support for fire mission. Enemy armor and infantry in the open and advancing on our position.”

“Scorpion Five, rocket batteries on full standby preparing to fire….Shot over.”

“Shot out!”

“Splash over.”

“Splash out!”

“Target hit over?”

“Target hit out!”

“Mantis Actual, Scorpion Five, be advised report multiple Terran armored vehicles disabled or destroyed and the rest of the convoy is in retreat, we’re on mission continue…”

“Skysweeper Three to Mantis Actual, requesting air cover ov………my Kitsune batteries have run dry and we’re running on AA guns only, significant Terran air power overhead and have been hit by multiple attack runs over.”

“Skysweeper Three, Mantis Actual be advised most of our air support is already engaged. We’ll divert some air cover over to your position, in the meantime your orders are to fall back to secondary ADA position southwest of your present. Notifying Mantis Prime of the change in air cover.”

“Emerald Actual, Emerald Three! We have engaged multiple Terran infantry across the river to the east of the park, our position is being contested heavily across two directions. Our position is danger of being over-…”

“Emerald Actual, Emerald Five, Emerald Three is down and we are pinned down by heavy fire from Terran infantry taking defensive positions in the nearby buildings to our east and north! Where the hell are you? We need additional manpower now!”

“Mantis Actual, this is Dragonfly 3-6, my flight of four A-22 Mirais are in position and beginning our run on enemy armor column. Standby for update over.”

“Standing by.”

“Mantis Actual, this is Dragonfly 3-6, enemy armor column has been disabled. Target ratio is fifty over one hundred. Returning to base.”

Anzan opened his eyes as the last radio transmission ceased. All around him the white and pink petals of the cherry trees fluttered about in the air as he sat on the bench beneath him. Spring had come to Elysium City just in time for cherry blossoms to bloom and fall as they did every year. Today a grey sky pervaded the blizzard of petals amongst the cherry grove here in Elysium City Park and a light rain pattered about the trees pelting each remaining petal with a light tap. This comforted Anzan inside, the light rain dimming the noise of distant battle elsewhere in the city. But the peaceful scene in the cherry grove he knew would not last forever as similar brief bloomings were common in the Antara cherry tree back home.

“It is time my son, we are moving.” Swordmaster Khornan said before growing curious of the expression on Anzan’s face. “Are you okay my son?”

“Look at them all father. The petals fall like fresh snow all around us, just like spring back home.”

Khornan walked over and sat beside his son as the rain and cherry blossoms continued to fall around them, rainwater washing over their blue hair.

“Yes. And like back home they carry the message of both birth and death. I greatly fear that one day we will not have enough trees to honor all the dead of this war. But truly this is a wondrous gift to see despite what is says.”

“I fear the same will happen too father.” Anzan replied in understanding.

“I never told you this much before when you were younger, but I’ve always carried a deep liking for scenes like these. So peaceful compared to the constant reminders of the eternal conflict around us. Do you know how many Lancers have died in since I became Swordmaster?”

“No father.”

“Two million, four hundred thirty two thousand, three hundred and two. Every last one of them I keep as a reminder of what my charge as Swordmaster is and the trials even I have yet to come. One day you too may know what it means to be this. But I pray that in your lifetime at least, there shall be the peace honorable warriors like us deserve, if not victory in our hearts at the end.”

Khornan stood back up from the bench. “But in the meantime, we must do as we’re needed. Not only for our own honor but to preserve our people’s future.”

Anzan stood up next to him. “And that is why we are here on this world. To protect and defend those we swear on our lives and our honor over.”

“Indeed.” Khornan finished as he and Anzan began walking out of the cherry grove.

As the pair emerged from underneath the trees of the park, the serene peacefulness of the grove quickly gave way to the reality of the city around them. Anti-aircraft fire lit up the sky in almost every direction and bright flashes from distant explosions continuously lit up the horizon. The thundering of those explosions and the distant gunfire continually sounded from every direction as well. The pattering of light rain drowned out amidst the sound of battle. Around Anzan, other Lancers quickly gathered as the Swordmaster took point to the north. At the same time a pair of Mirai fighters screamed overhead headed south as they returned from an attack run somewhere in the city.

“Traveller 2-3, give us an update. We are receiving reports of enemy attack aircraft approaching from the northeast, can you confirm over?”

“Affirmative, we got eyes on multiple tilt-thruster attack aircraft coming in at low altitude.”

Anzan remembered he had left the radio on to receive, but he figured it might be worth listening to what is happening in the battle around him.

“Alright everyone, our battleplan is going to be simple for this one. Hilancer Lord Kasen has an advance portion of his division advanced onto our side of the river and has called for assistance. His efforts are vital in our plans for the region therefore we must not fail in reaching him and assisting in every possible way we can. Do all of you understand?” Khornan said addressing the nearby group.

The group Anzan included nodded in affirmation.

“Very well, let’s move!”

The cadre of Lancers quickly advanced three hundred meters to the north catching sight of Kasen’s detachment holding position with Swordmaster Khornan holding amongst the lead. Ahead of them on a small rolling grassy rise, several A-32 “Kappa” main battle tanks held position alongside A-34 “Kasha” tracked IF Vs and flanked by several Karakasa light tactical vehicles. Preyaran infantry packed in all along the line continuously firing out towards the north and enemy fire from the north passed by them or impacting into the light mud and grass they stood on. On the right of the defensive line a tall Preyaran adorned with deep red hair stood about directing nearby Lancers to keep pushing forward onto the line and directing fire from the vehicles.

“Maintain a base of fire towards the north, concentrate your attention on heavy weapons crews and dug in positions!” Hilancer Lord Kasen yelled out directing the nearby Lancers about him.

“Lord Kasen, what is your status?” Khornan said to the red haired Preyaran as he rushed over to him on foot.

The rest of the Lancers following Khornan including Anzan quickly followed behind. On the line two Lancers quickly dropped to the ground, cut down by enemy fire. A third stumbled over as a particle bolt struck her in the right shoulder. As others rushed over to help, she signaled she would be alright and that the bolt didn’t penetrate her armor.

“Not good Swordmaster, my advance team is pinned down by a large dug in line of Terran infantry on the far side of the road cutting through this part of the park near the soccer field! Better yet, Terran infantry forces have formed a strongpoint over in the four story building to the northeast!” Kasen replied pointing to a nearby damaged four story commercial building. “They have barricaded their position with missiles, heavy weapons fire and-“

“INCOMING!” One of the nearby Lancers shouted as several rocket artillery rounds began impacting along the Preyarans’ line. Meanwhile a Terran 90mm FGM-255 Javelin anti-armor missile popped up from the top of the four story building flying upwards towards the sky before stalling in mid flight, turning back down and rapidly accelerating towards its target a Kappa main battle tank on the far left side of the vehicle formation. A large explosion quickly erupted from the left side as the tank burst open. A second Javelin missile quickly followed streaming into the air towards the south, sending an approaching Mirai fighter tumbling and rolling to the right as it flew burning overhead to the northeast.

“As I said, they have barricaded in with missiles, heavy weapons fire, and machine guns raining hell on my advance force!” Kasen said as several more rocket artillery rounds exploded along his line. The Kappa and Kasha armored vehicles traded fire in return towards the enemy line. “It gets even better too! I have reports coming in that Terran armor and attack aircraft are counterattacking from the north and northwest headed right for this position! I cannot move the rest of my division to engage from across the river while that strongpoint rains hell here!”

“Understood. We’ll hit the strongpoint at the four story building and do what we can to break up the infantry line. Once we’re in the building, begin moving the rest of your division up from across the river. We’ll provide covering and supporting fire from there at every available opportunity. Can you provide us with some supporting fire and maybe some spare manpower to help us get there?” Khornan said as enemy fire intensified all around the battle.

“I’ll direct whatever I can spare to help out. Just get in there and help us help you.” Kasen replied.

Several more rocket artillery rounds exploded amongst the line, one of them striking a Lancer directly not thirty meters from Kasen and Khornan. As the dirt began clearing it became readily evident nothing larger than a shoe remained of the poor soul.

“Alright, you heard Kasen, keep moving and get out of the killzone fast!” Khornan said over to his men as a Kappa on the right side of the line moved into firing position along the northbound road running on the right side of the Preyaran line.

Anzan and the other Lancers, joined by several from Kasen’s position began taking off in a run towards the Terran position in the four story building. At the same time, machine gun positions overlooking the field due south of it on the second floor windows opened up on Khornan’s group as they advanced. “Keep moving forward! We got to get to the building!” Khornan yelled as several Lancers to his left and right were cut down. Still he kept his pace running forward towards his destination.

Anzan followed close behind fully clutching his now unslung A-4 particle rifle tightly in both hands. Like Khornan he too kept up his pace running the gamut of machine gun fire through the field. At the same time, several rocket artillery rounds directed at the field itself began impacting one by one. One round slammed to the left of the Lancer ahead of Anzan blowing him over to the right and severing his left leg. Anzan quickly jumped over the downed Lancer and kept going. Another round impacted behind him.

A 90mm particle bolt from the Kappa on the left road impacted the second floor corner of the Terran strongpoint blowing a large hole out of the building while at the lead of the formation Khornan was getting close, a brick barricade adorning the side of the street in front of the building was now less than fifty meters away from him. Just behind Khornan, Anzan caught sight of a Kasha IFV advancing on the building over to his right on the north bound road. Two more rocket artillery rounds impacted near him, one engulfing a pair of Lancers to his left while he heard machine gun fire cut down three more Lancers behind him. At the same moment another Javelin missile popped up from the top of the building flying up towards the sky before coming back down on the Kappa on the road destroying it. Finally making it to the brick barricade, Anzan ducked behind it as cover to catch a quick breath. Several more Lancers quickly followed behind with several more just behind them.

The Kasha on the right came to a stop by the corner before training its gun on the first floor of the building and opening fire with its 40mm autocannon firing multiple particle bolts into the Terran defenders behind the windows. Several small explosions burst from the walls as the Kasha’s fire hit the facade.

“Lord Kasen, we’re at the base of the strongpoint. Begin moving your division up, we’re heading inside.” Khornan quickly radioed before turning to the surviving Lancers around him huddled at the brick wall. Three more shots from the nearby Kasha fired again into the building. “Alright Kasen’s Kasha has got them suppressed. Ready to move in on my mark! Ready! Go! Go! Go! Move up! Move up!”

Khornan immediately took off in a run across the road in front of the building his own rifle in hand, the rest of the surviving Lancers Anzan included following immediately in tow. Terran machine gun fire continued to pour from the second floor streaming over the heads of the Preyaran troops below them over to Kasen’s troops further behind in the park. Keeping behind Khornan, Anzan made it across the street towards the front door and as he and the rest entered inside the pattering of the light rain outside gave way to drier air but a more lethal atmosphere. Over to their right a full twelve man squad of Terran troops were hastily pulling away from the windows towards a corridor in the middle of the room as the Kasha behind them outside continued its suppressing fire.

“Contact! Contact! Preyaran troops have breached our perimeter!” One of the Terran troops said as he took notice of Khornan and Anzan’s group making their way into the building and fired a quick burst from his M-3 rifle.

The Preyarans immediately scattered to the myriad office desks and furniture to take cover. Three more Terrans joined in covering their retreating comrades as the Preyaran troops returned fire quickly cutting two of them down.

“Fall back! Fall back! Get to the second floor! Say again get to the second floor!” The same soldier yelled to the rest as he pulled back into the corridor towards the stairs behind him. “Romeo Six! Romeo Three! Preyaran troops have breached the perimeter! Say again! Preyaran troops have breached our perimeter! We’re falling back to the second floor!”

“Emerald Actual, fall back from your present position, multiple Terran armored vehicles advancing in your direction.” Anzan’s radio buzzed back to life after the cacophony outside.

“Anzan, you and couple others take point and advance on the second floor, we’re right behind you.” Khornan said as the remaining Terran troops vanished up the stairs.

Anzan stepped forward A-4 rifle in hand as the rest of the Lancers sans a couple took up defensive positions behind him. As they entered the corridor leading to the stairs a Javelin missile flew in from up high outside coming down on the Kasha holding position destroying it. Every Preyaran Lancer on the floor immediately hit the ground going prone as the blast rocked the room. As the smoke outside cleared Anzan got back to his feet only to catch a glimpse of the Kasha’s burning wreckage through the hole-riddled wall. Moving forward again, Anzan and the nearby Lancers around him quickly headed for the stairs and began climbing them, Khornan and the rest quickly followed suit.

“Negative! Negative! We are pinned down in all directions! We are cut off! I repeat we are cut off! Our present position is surrounded by Terran armor and infantry in every….” The radio message cut off into static.

As the group neared the second floor the shuffling of Terran soldiers above along with the rattle from bursts of outgoing machine gun fire began echoing down the stairs in higher and higher volume. Stopping just below the entry way onto the second floor, Anzan and his other two point men waited for Khornan and the rest while listening not only to what the Terran troops right near them were doing but the raging battle still sounding outside.

“Get your squad ready to move to the roof! Pixie’s right behind us! Get those machine guns moving too!” The Terran soldier from before said to the other troops in the room.

Anzan suddenly got an idea.

“I need someone with a smoke ready. I don’t care which kind.” He said reaching for one of his smoke grenades.

Khornan quickly realized what he was up to.

“You heard him, give the Hilancer what he needs.” Khornan said from the bottom of the group.

The Lancer nearest Anzan pulled out one of his smoke grenades alongside him.

“On my say, throw your smoke over to that wall.” Anzan instructed pointing to the wall opposite him. “Bounce it to the near side of the room, I’ll toss to the far. Ready? Go!”

Anzan primed and threw his smoke grenade around the corner into the group of Terran soldiers, the nearby Lancer quickly followed through with his just as instructed. Both grenades quickly popped off and filled with the room with thick, obscuring smoke blinding the Terran troops who were unprepared. Flipping down the combat lenses from his helmet, Anzan swapped to thermal vision and rounded the corner, several other Lancers having done the same followed him. Through the smoke Anzan could see the Terrans quickly trying to swap to their own thermal vision systems and opened fire dropping several of them. The Lancers alongside him followed suit quickly downing many more including several of those operating the machine guns on the windows. Three surviving Terrans remained and quickly fled for a door on the far side of the room beside a pair of west facing windows. Anzan and the others peppered their exit with their rifles just as they got away. The smoke from the grenades quickly began dispersing as Khornan and the rest followed in.

“Excellent work my son, now we need to give Kasen a hand. Use the Terrans’ own guns against them.” Khornan said taking point alongside Anzan. “The rest of you keep in pursuit and get to the roof.”

Anzan quickly grabbed one of the several M-5 machine guns and moved to the window on the west side of the room. Below, several hundred Terran troops were dug in along a sandbag line at the north end of the park opposite Kasen’s spearhead. Craters dotted multiple positions along the line several hundred meters across, a reminder of the back and forth between the battle for both sides. Anzan brought the Terran M-5 down on the window sill and deployed it on its integrated bipod and brought it to his shoulder and fired. Five separate Terran soldiers quickly dropped from Anzan’s fire. He lowered the elevation on his firing angle to targets closer to the building and opened fire again just as a 90mm particle bolt from one of Kasen’s tanks impacted among them. Three more hits from tank fire erupted along the Terran line as Anzan elevated up to engage further out. The Terran line realizing they are now coming under fire from their left flank and increasing armor began to disperse back to the north.

“Good, the line is broken now, Kasen’s division can now advance deeper into the city, our victory at least in this part of the city is all but assured now.” Khornan said as Anzan set down the Terran machine gun. “Come, we are not done here yet.”

The two followed up the way the rest of the Lancer cadre went earlier managing to reach the roof. The bodies of several Terrans and their weapons lay strewn about as the victorious cadre stood guard. Meanwhile the light rain still falling over the city had ceased though the sky continued remaining its shade of grey.

“Swordmaster Khornan, Kasen’s division is moving up across the field to our west. Meanwhile Terran armor is advancing from the north moving to reinforce their infantry at the far road to the north of Kasen’s division.” One Lancer briefed Khornan.

“Good, I have new orders for all of you. You Lancers are to head back down to Kasen’s division and give him all the help you can by any means necessary. Anzan and I will remain here and assist from the air. The support for which should be arriving shortly.”

The Lancer group immediately took off back the way they came down the stairs from the roof. Meanwhile a bright long lasting flash lit up the horizon to the west as anti-aircraft fire continued filling the sky.

“Mantis Prime, this is Locust 2-4, approaching your position from the south.” The radio sounded off for both Anzan and Khornan.

“Affirmative, you are clear for dustoff on the roof, have one of your Fairies dismount as well.” Khornan replied.

“’Dismount’?” Anzan asked wondering what he meant.

“That’s where you come in, the flight is running air support, we’re going to use them to blunt this counterattack. You’re going to fly with them.”

The sound of approaching rotors and thrusters heralded the arrival of the air support upon the roof. Four A-16 “Fairy” attack helicopters each carrying Longsword missile pods and one A-18 “Tengu” transport armed with both missiles and rockets comprised the flight. The Tengu came quickly to a pick up position on the west end of the building as one of the Fairies set down and landed on the roof itself just behind the Tengu’s twin tails. The pilot set out, tossing his pilot helmet back into the helicopter’s cockpit.

“Take that chopper Anzan.” Khornan said signaling the former pilot to join him on the Tengu.

Anzan then set off to the Fairy and entered the cockpit, tossing his infantry helmet to the compartment just behind the seat and putting on the pilot helmet. The cockpit canopy closed down as Anzan started up the rotors and micro-fusion thrusters.

“Welcome to our little part of ‘The Swarm’ Hilancer Anzan, show us what you can do.” The commanding Fairy pilot buzzed over on the radio.

The rotors on Anzan’s chopper sped up and he took to the sky, the Tengu gunship lifting off at the same time.

“Alright we got enemy armor and infantry coming in from the north, make your missiles count but don’t be shy on your guns.” The commanding Fairy pilot radioed again.

The Tengu took off first heading north as Anzan and the other Fairy pilots followed close. Below them Terran armored vehicles dotted the road bordering the northernmost edge of the park firing away at Kasen’s troops advancing from the south.

“All air units in local flight you are free to engage.” Khornan said over the radio.

Two Fairies broke off to the left each firing away with their three-barrel 20mm Minovski Gatling cannon. A third the flight commander stayed right near Anzan to the right of the Tengu as it opened up on the ground column with its rockets. Anzan looked right catching sight of two M-16 Defender tracked IF Vs and locking on for the gun through his helmet’s sighting system. He pressed down on the stick’s trigger spraying particle bolt fire over one of them striking it repeatedly again and again before it burst open. The other Defender IFV turned its 30mm particle autocannon to the sky in Anzan’s direction to try and shoot him down. Anzan responded by swerving his Fairy over to the left while keeping a continuous stream of gunfire locked on. The IFV quickly was rendered no more. Meanwhile the Fairy flight’s commander locked on and fired two missiles at a pair of M-12 “Enforcer” main battle tanks destroying them as Khornan’s Tengu continuously fired its 40mm chin gun and 20mm gun pods at light targets.

“Locust 2-4 we got scattered anti-aircraft fire coming in from rooftops to the north!” One of the other pilots radioed in.

“Keep an eye on it! We can’t let the ground force here break through!” The commander replied.

Anzan swerved his chopper under and the rear of Khornan’s Tengu keeping fire on a cluster of three Vulcan UC Vs quickly destroying them. At that instant the outline of an Enforcer appeared on the forward monitor in the cockpit. Anzan quickly flipped the switch on the stick arming his missiles and fired one right as it locked on. The Longsword missile flew out from the right side pod striking the Enforcer on its topside armor destroying it. Two more Enforcers became visible on a northbound road away from the park as Anzan stabilized his Fairy in position. A quick lock on and firing quickly ensured two more tank kills.

“Good job guys, vehicle targets destroyed.” The Fairy commander radioed to the rest of the flight.

“Locust 2-4 I got eyes on enemy tilt-thruster aircraft coming in from the northeast. I count six in the group.” The pilot of the Tengu radioed out.

“Alright everyone engage, don’t let them get close enough to fire on our spearhead. Anzan take the two on the right.” The Fairy commander replied.

“I got them.” Anzan said.

Anzan and the rest of the flight quickly gained altitude above the buildings north of the park catching sight of the Viking squadron heading in from the northeast. The Vikings themselves quickly scattered out as they caught sight of the Preyaran flight. Looking over at the right side pair Anzan quickly got a lock-on of the rightmost Viking and fired one of his Longsword missiles scoring a hit. The stricken Terran craft spiraled down in flames as Anzan maneuvered into a second shot. Two more Vikings quickly went down from missile fire as well over to his left as a second lock-on signaled on Anzan’s helmet. He fired again but this time the Viking deployed its counter-drones which successfully pulled the missile away. He switched to guns and shifted the targeting reticule to the cannon lead indicator currently projected in from the enemy Viking on his visor and fired again. Several particle bolts struck the Terran craft in the front disabling the pilot and sending it crashing to the ground. One more Viking tried going high above Anzan as he tilted the Fairy vertically back aiming his reticule on the lead designator firing when it was near. Multiple particle bolts from his 20mm streamed by some striking the left thruster nacelle setting it afire. He pulled the chopper back more level and backed away for a better angle to keep his sight line when cannon fire from two of the other Fairies shredded the damaged Viking.

“There’s your assist Anzan.” The Fairy commander radioed as Anzan leveled out into stable flight. “I’ll admit it, you fly pretty good.”

“Locust 2-4 we’re headed northeast towards a new objective. Keep up the escort.” Khornan said over the radio as his Tengu shifted and began heading out.

“We’re keeping up. Everyone keep your eyes open.” The Fairy commander replied as he and the rest of the flight Anzan included regrouped to follow.

But they would only have a few minutes of relatively peaceful flight above the battle.

“Missile! Missile! Missile!” One of the Fairy pilots on the left radioed out. A Javelin streaked in from below striking one of the choppers on the left of the Tengu bursting it to pieces. Another popped up from the rooftops below them.

“Evade! Say again, evade!” The Fairy commander yelled out.

The Javelin struck Khornan’s Tengu in the right wing just outside the right engine.

“Get ahold of it!” Khornan could be heard over the radio.

“Negative! My thruster’s gone! I’ve lost altitude control!” The pilot said over the radio just as the right wing broke away. “We’re going down! We’re going down!”

The Tengu toppled into a flat spin descending down into the city below.

“Mantis Actual, this is Locust 2-4, Mantis Prime’s gunship is going down three kilometers northeast of-“

“AA fire! Evade! Evade!” The other remaining pilot on the left said just before being riddled with 15mm fire from rooftop positions.

The stricken Fairy began smoking and tumbling down as more AA fire from the rooftops streamed all around the Fairy commander and Anzan’s choppers.

“Pull back! Pull ba-“ The commander said just before AA fire burst his chopper into flames mid-air.

Anzan pulled his chopper to the right trying to shake the Terran AA guns. Streams of 15mm M2 fire flew all around him. But alas it too would be to no avail. Multiple particle bolts tore into the fuselage crippling the engines as several more tore through the canopy glass of the cockpit. Anzan pushed the stick down dropping the Fairy’s altitude as much as he could. At less than two hundred meters of altitude all control gave way and Anzan’s chopper plunged into a slow spin as it headed for a crash landing. Anzan could now only hold on for life as the helicopter slammed into the street below him on its side. The canopy glass shattered as the rotors tore away in the crash. Anzan himself slammed headfirst into the side of the cockpit’s canopy frame. All went dark for him as the Fairy slid into the side of the street before coming to a stop.

Anzan awoke moments later, his head splitting in pain and dizzy from the crash, his vision blurred out. He weakly pushed the now broken pilot helmet off his head and shook out some of the broken glass out of his blue hair. He took a few breaths trying to piece together whether he was alive or dead before dizzily climbing out of the cockpit onto the street. He stumbled about for a few seconds until he fell over onto his stomach, his head lying on his left arm. The pain of the crash still bothered him heavily as he tried to focus his vision clear again. But as his vision returned to him, the sound of nearby footsteps signaled he was not alone.

“Well now check this out, looks like this Pixie got his wings clipped.” A nearby Terran soldier said.

Anzan turned to his side to see three Terran troops in the direction he faced.

“Is he alright? That crash over there looks like it banged him up something good.” Another remarked.

Anzan struggled to get to his knee.

“I wouldn’t try anything if I were you boy.” The first soldier said now pointing his M-3 rifle at Anzan’s head.

The other two troopers came to the first’s side carrying their rifles as well spaced two meters apart each.

“Mendoza, get ready to take him into custody.” The first said.

The trooper on Anzan’s left came up to him as he kept on his knee. The trooper slung his rifle over to his right side as he reached to grab Anzan by the arm. But just as he reached out a show a light spray of blood burst forward from his chest. Anzan looked up a little higher and saw the familiar ornate blade design of Khornan’s sword sticking out of the trooper’s chest. The other two troopers recoiled at the sight just as Khornan pulled his blade out of the first victim who promptly dropped to the ground. Khornan swung back to his right with his sword slashing at the trooper in the middle and cutting him across the throat. The middle trooper dropped to his knees his hands grasping at this throat. The third trooper quickly tried to shoulder his rifle again but Khornan quickly closed the distance and skewered him through the chest with a deep stab. Khornan wrenched the blade from the third trooper as the second fell to the ground. He promptly then pushed the third over onto his side.

“Fools to challenge me!” Khornan quipped before turning to his son. “Are you alright my son?”

“I’ll be fine in a moment father.” Anzan replied raising to his feet. “The better question is how did you survive?”

“It wasn’t easy, but the crew gave me their parachute. They gave up their means of escape to save my life. For that like all Lancers who ever give their lives under my watch I’ll remain forever indebted.”

Anzan finally came to realize after all these years, even what was said not that long ago in the cherry grove amidst the rain, that his father genuinely cared for the lives of those under his command even if he had to sacrifice them to win the battle. It was something he never fully comprehended about Khornan before, something Khornan himself kept hidden away as if to protect his son from the pain and burden of being Swordmaster.

The two began heading their way through the embattled city to try and find anybody friendly. When they finally did, it became readily apparent their efforts did more help than they ever thought. Victory in Elysium City was now theirs.

I may revise a few bits before the book is fully finished. A detail here, a fix there, you know the drill. Also see how many tropes you can find if you dare.

My next chapter not only introduces a major character into the series in a nicely planned (or so I think) Establishing Character Moment but also uses the idea I mentioned a few posts ago. Some math aside I am going through with writing about an orbital insertion via paradrop.

edited 13th Jan '11 8:26:55 PM by MajorTom

MajorTom Since: Dec, 2009
#7: Jan 30th 2011 at 8:35:00 AM

I finished the next chapter, but the following scene is what I am revealing. I've been waiting over a year to get to this point.

The following scene shows just why Jessie from Endless Conflict is known as The Fiery Daughter of Rio Azúl.

The three emerged several minutes later on through the front door of the command center. From there they could see Colonel Smith, the Ivanov brothers and Sharon holding position along a barricade between the burning vehicle depot and the bombed out hospital.

“Dig in right here and do not let them pass! The last transport is on its way!” Colonel Smith said as he hosed down the approaching Preyaran infantry with his M-5 machine gun. “You like that? There’s plenty more where that came from!”

Mat, Tenchi and Daniel immediately ran over next to his position.

“Sorry we’re late Colonel.” Mat said ducking behind the barricade with his rifle.

“Better late than never Watkins!” Smith said as he glanced around for a count of his team. “Anyone seen Noland? Sasha? Viktor? Benjamin?”

“I haven’t seen her since we pulled back from the motor pool! I think she got separated into the hospital.” Staff Sergeant Sharon replied.

“Great now I got to find Jessie. Watkins you just volunteered! Get in that hospital and find her and get her out of there! Yamanaka! Daniel get on the line and give us a hand!”

Mat took off to the right intent on finding his missing comrade, the newest member of Assault Team Bravo, the 22 year old blond haired, blue eyed, small chested Sergeant Jessebelle “Jessie” Marietta Noland. Standing only four feet eleven inches tall and weighing a mere ninety-six pounds she was the smallest member of the team ever. But at the same time, she had proven herself in combat several years earlier at Tarsius and had passed full training for AT: Bravo.

Meanwhile inside the hospital…

“You think you elves got what it takes to kill me? Not a fucking chance! I am Jessie Noland and I have faced your kind before and sent you packing!”

Jessie grasped her M-4 Breyl Automatic Rifle in hand. A large weapon, the Breyl stood nearly as long as she was tall at four feet in length and weighing in at fourteen kilograms. It fired a 12mm Minovski particle bolt at three hundred shots per minute with devastating firepower. Originally a Feyline weapon still used by them, the Breyl never saw much popularity in the Terran forces compared to the M-6 Ascendant Battle Rifle, but where it sees use it always sees a willing user.

Two Preyaran Lancers opened fire on Jessie from a floor above her through the bombed out remains of the ceiling above her. She returned fire with a hail of eight shots downing them both. Three more Lancers popped out of cover above her to the left on another broken section of ceiling. She quickly shifted her Breyl over and gunned them down in a hail of fire.

“Is that it? Really? Is that the best you can do?” Jessie yelled out as she fired on two more.

“No.” A voice sounded from the ruins of the hospital.

She rounded right catching sight of another Lancer trying to pass by above her and promptly buried him in a barrage of particle bolts. She shifted left to catch another target but this time when she pressed the trigger, the gun ran dry depleted of reserve charge. Jessie immediately reached for and drew her combat sword, a hand and a half weapon designed for close combat against the Preyarans.

“Come on! Who else wants some!” She yelled out as she cast aside her rifle onto the ground.

Four Lancers dropped down into the room she was in each having drawn their own swords.

“Mighty brave of you Terran to draw on us like this.” One of them said. “We shall enjoy this.”

Jessie reached for the combat knife on her belt and held it in her right hand opposite her sword.

“Not before I enjoy this more.” Jessie quipped.

She flipped her knife onto its edge in her hand stepped her left foot forward and threw it at the opposing Lancers burying the blade in the rightmost one in the right eye. That Lancer stumbled back as she charged forward. She ran to the right catching the other Lancer on the right swinging and dodged the blade before countering with a stab into his chest. She turned backward running her sword through the Lancer with the knife in his eye and yanked the knife right back out holding it in a reverse grip in her right hand. The closest remaining Lancer charged, the second one close behind. The first strike came down and was met by Jessie’s sword as she turned backward and buried her knife in the other’s throat before yanking it back out. She turned again as the remaining Lancer tried to strike again deflecting the blade to the left and countering with a quick thrust into his belly.

“I told you, not before I enjoy this more.” Jessie said to herself.

“Impressive…most impressive.” A voice sounded from above.

The blue haired Lancer Anzan dropped from the ceiling.

“Oh more?” She said readying her knife and throwing it.

Anzan deflected it seemingly effortlessly.

“I’ll admit, it’s not everyday you encounter a warrior with your skill.”

“Is talking all you elves ever do?” Jessie retorted her blade at the ready.

Anzan charged forward striking with stab. Jessie deflected it to the right and countered with a left diagonal cut but Anzan dodged backwards.

“No.” He said striking again.

The two’s swords clashed again and again as meanwhile above them Mat kept an eye on the battle itself. He remembered that blue hair and tone of voice from earlier, that fateful day in San Francisco. He kept his rifle trained on Anzan, his scope lined up for the kill shot. But he couldn’t bring himself to fire. He knew better than to cowardly shoot someone in the back like that after getting into such a rivalry before. He set his rifle on his back and rubbed the scar on his left cheek thinking. Sometimes he hated having a code of honor…

“Come on! Come on! Is that the best you can do?” Jessie said, her voice more driven by rage than before.

She swung from up high at Anzan stumbled in front of her. He reached up his left hand and caught the blade single handedly.

“What?” Jessie said being startled. “How did you do that?”

Anzan turned his head to her, his hand visibly bleeding through the armored gloves. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts to do that?”

He ripped the blade from Jessie’s grip and tossed it aside before countering with a quick left hook to her jaw. She stumbled back into the far wall, spooked at the thought of someone who can catch a blade like that. Anzan shifted his sword to his left hand as he grabbed her by the neck and lifted her up a short distance off the rubbled ground.

“Seriously, I admit.” Anzan replied calmly. “You’re quite possibly the best foe I’ve faced yet on this planet. You little girl will die with great honor.”

Jessie’s head tilted back as he lifted her even more. She could no longer see her attacker. But the singing sound of metal suddenly pierced the air very close to her.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t do that.” Mat said clutching his katana Blade Zero behind Anzan.

Anzan turned left catching sight of Mat’s blade pointed right as his throat.

“You. I remember you from long ago. I see you kept the scar.” Anzan said. “Mathias was it? I’d hoped you would have become a soldier in this war.”

“I see you remember Anzan. Good to know.” Mat replied.

“I didn’t know you had your own sword.” Anzan said getting a better look at the blade in Mat’s left hand.

“Allow me to introduce you to Blade Zero, my sword of many years. I had it when we first met, pity I left it at home that day. But no matter, today you will learn why it is called that.”

“And why should I know why?”

“Because there is nobody it cannot cut, and I’ve used it before against your kind quite a few times.”

“Nobody it cannot cut? Quite the blade, let’s see if you’re skill matches the weapon.” Anzan said but he began feeling his arm growing tired from holding Jessie up. “Do you mind for a moment?”

He slammed her head first against the wall and let go. Jessie slumped down to the ground dazed.

“There, that’s better.” Anzan said before turning again to Mat. “Now what were we talking about again?”

“We were talking trains. Specifically, if you could drive any train in the galaxy for a hundred kilometers which would it be?” Mat said.

“Trains eh? I do remember the old rail line in Antara from when I was a kid.”

“Did it go choo-choo or did it do something else?”

“Oh it was the old kind. Choo-choo and all.”

“Nice, that’s the kind of train if I could I’d try to derail it by putting a tin can on the tracks.”

Anzan laughed. “Tin can? Everyone knows if you want to derail a train you use a chain!”

“Chains are so cliché! Come on! Be original use the cans!”

“I’ve seen cans on the tracks before, they just get crushed and cut to pieces. They are too light.”

“Use a heavier can. That’s all there is to it.”

“But how heavy then? Every can I’ve ever seen is too light to do that…wait.” Anzan said as he came to a realization. “You’re fucking with me aren’t you to borrow one of your expressions?”

“Fucking you like your sister.” Mat quipped.

“But I don’t have a sister.” Anzan replied growing serious.

“Exactly.”

“That’s it, defend yourself.” Anzan finished.

Anzan swung his blade around meeting Mat’s sword on its side. Mat pushed away leading to a right-slicing diagonal cut promptly dodged by Anzan. Mat shifted to the center of the room, Anzan followed opposite. The two began running in circles facing each other. On the fourth rotation the two came together again clashing the swords together. Mat countered with a missed lateral cut to the right followed by dodging Anzan’s counterattack thrust from his left. The two separated again and began walking in circles like before.

“I see you have skill.” Anzan said. “But come now, use your proper hand! I know you can do better than fighting with your left hand.”

“Sorry, I’m left-handed. That’s the way I am.” Mat replied dashing Anzan’s hopes. “Tenchi on the other hand, he uses both hands and two blades. He’s better at this than I am because he practices all the time.”

“He’s better than you? I wonder how he would fare against my father. He’s the best swordsman in the Corps.” Anzan replied curiously.

“One day that may happen.” Mat said before charging forward.

The two clashed again first with another diagonal cut by Mat, followed by a downward strike by Anzan. Mat deflected with the side of his katana before striking with a lateral cut to the left. Anzan stumbled back.

“Damnit! I missed!” Mat said lowering his blade to the side. “That should have taken your head, or at least cut you wide open.”

Anzan stepped back another step. A thin red line of blood became visible on the right side of his neck. His patted his neck seeing for sure.

“Most impressive. Even with a miss, you still hit me. This battle is yours today, we will meet again.” Anzan said before dashing off out of sight.

“I look forward to it Anzan. I look forward to it.”

Mat put away his sword and walked over to Jessie’s position. She still remained dazed from her run in with Anzan. He knelt down to her to help her up.

“You oka-Ooof!” Mat said as he was struck by Jessie’s left hook.

Jessie managed to get herself up and charged at Mat tackling him to the ground. She threw another punch which Mat caught. She then rolled over to his right grabbing her sword from the ground.

“I don’t care if you can catch the blade! I’ll kill you!” Jessie said as she swung around stopping as she saw Mat’s face for the first time with clear vision.

She dropped the blade right there.

“Captain?” She said confused at what had just happened.

“If you come any closer with that thing you’ll poke my eye out.” Mat said making light of the impromptu brief ‘fight’. “You win. I surrender.”

“Who was that and where did he go?” Jessie said.

“You mean Anzan? Oh I met him long long ago back home. What happened here was nothing. He’s gone now.” Mat replied reaching for and slinging her rifle around his neck. “Come we got to get out of here. Colonel’s waiting on us.”

Jessie’s head suddenly throbbed back in pain. “I guess we better go. Damn, I think he hit my head harder than I thought.”

Mat helped her to her feet and walked her out of the hospital. As they left the base on the last transport out, they both felt differing things about what happened. Inside Mat felt amazed as his new teammate after this operation, someone that small went up against Anzan and held her own. She on the other hand felt he might turn out to be a good friend to work with in her new position in AT: Bravo. The battle for Fort Best might have ended in defeat for the Terrans, but the new team dynamic and the landing of AT: Bravo onto Elysium might just be the key to turning the tide on the wartorn planet.

Try to name all the tropes. I count quite a few in that scene alone.

I might do some more editing to spruce it up once I'm done with AIT but for now I like what is there. (To be honest I might've had too much fun writing this part.)

edited 30th Jan '11 8:38:56 AM by MajorTom

QQQQQ from Canada Since: Jul, 2011
#8: Jan 31st 2011 at 10:02:39 AM

Try to name all the tropes. I count quite a few in that scene alone.

This needs way less trope focusing and more story. It sounds like you're nabbing off tropes off the conveyor belt, and it will sound stilted, laboured, and artificial as a result.

edited 31st Jan '11 10:12:31 AM by QQQQQ

Mazz Since: May, 2012
#9: May 11th 2012 at 3:11:46 PM

I'll be honest; you need to rewrite a lot, if not all. I can't say I care for these characters or for the conflict at all.

I feel like I walked into the middle of an action film, except that in an action film at least they usually make you care about the characters and their world.

You really need to rethink where you are going with this. What is the underlying theme? What are your characters trying to accomplish? What is opposing them, and why?

You focus too much on superfluous details and "cool" dialogue, and not enough about the meat and bones of the story.

To make an analogy: It's like I'm looking at the body of a car, but it's hollow: there is no motor, no seats, no steering wheel, no wheels, nothing. It's... nice to take a look at, I guess, except that there is nothing keeping you there. You just take a look at it, say, "Oh, how shiny. I like the color," and then move on with your life without stopping to examine it more closely. Which is terrible in this case, because this is a written work and staying to examine it more closely is kinda the whole point of it.

Flyboy Decemberist from the United States Since: Dec, 2011
Decemberist
#10: May 11th 2012 at 3:19:55 PM

This needs way less trope focusing and more story. It sounds like you're nabbing off tropes off the conveyor belt, and it will sound stilted, laboured, and artificial as a result.

This was my second thought.

My first was "where did all the commas, semi-colons, and periods disappear to?"

Well, and that [up]. It's a shiny car frame painted in Gundam colors with some Star Wars and Halo here and there, lacking in original soul, grace in acting as escapism, or effectiveness at driving home a moral/political point.

edited 11th May '12 3:22:25 PM by Flyboy

"Shit, our candidate is a psychopath. Better replace him with Newt Gingrich."
MajorTom Since: Dec, 2009
#11: May 11th 2012 at 3:54:51 PM

First things first, Mazz welcome to my old, probably broken and obsolete thread. A lot has changed since over a year ago. (Especially since from March 2011 to about September 2011 I was in a revision phase that effectively rewrote much if not all of the first half of the book.)

Anyways, I appreciate your concerns and critiques. If you can teach me a way to do better, I am always open to learning new things.

Mazz Since: May, 2012
#12: May 11th 2012 at 4:24:08 PM

Hey, thanks! That's a nice attitude to have. I'm glad you didn't take my criticism the wrong way.

Unfortunately, I'm still only now realizing just how little I knew about writing. I'm probably not in the best position to guide you.

Most of what I've been learning has been through various random forums.

There are two websites that changed my understanding of good writing and bad writing in very profound ways:

The first one is the tumblr blog "Reasoning With Vampires" (http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/), which explains, passage by passage, what was wrong with the writing in Twilight, and then shows you the correctly written version of that passage. I cannot stress how educative an experience reading through it was. Make sure to start from the oldest entry in the oldest page, because tumblr's archiving system is bleh.

The second is the Dark Lord Potter forums (http://forums.darklordpotter.net). They are incredibly harsh and rude at times (okay, most of the time), but their advice and criticism is usually spot on.

Just lurking through their review threads taught me a lot about consistent characterization and pacing.

Mind you, it's probably going to be boring reading their threads if you don't care much for Harry Potter fanfiction, so consider that before plunging in, or if you want to bother with it or not. They do have discussions about other fandoms and original works as well, but I haven't checked those out yet.

Another forum I've found, but that I haven't checked out thoroughly, is the Absolute Write Water Cooler forum:

http://www.absolutewrite.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=175

They have good general advice there.

Also, random pages like:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gItgz9pF4dT1kS8APsbuQHA1l9Q5kPY8vCVXjpxo2NA/edit?hl=en_US&authkey=CKbFlMkN&pli=1

(The examples used there are about My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, but don't dismiss it out of hand just for that; the advice in there is solid and useful for writing fiction in general.)

http://www.sfwa.org/2009/06/murder-your-darlings/

(About editing works to submit them for publishing.)

Just in general, it's a good idea to step back from your work, give it a few weeks, and then ask yourself as you read it: "Would I care about this if it had been written by somebody else?"

Compare your writing to published works you like, and find out if you're emulating the things you like about your favorite books, or if you're missing the mark where engaging the reader is concerned.

Edit

Dialogues: This isn't a hard and fast rule, but as a general guide: if your dialogue sounds like something a character would say in a cartoon, don't put it in. Cartoons and other similar formats have to condense a lot of plot in a relatively short length of time, so dialogues get compressed, and they're not what a person would say naturally.

We don't usually notice because of how common-place this is, but once you write down that kind of dialogue and compare it side to side with the dialogues in novels and other written works, you start to see how artificial it sounds.

A good way to avoid this is to read your work out loud and pay attention to how "smooth" it sounds.

edited 11th May '12 4:53:21 PM by Mazz

Add Post

Total posts: 12
Top