This is the summary for the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth TV Tropes Writing Contests. Here you can see the details concerning the happenings of the contests themselves as well as the stories that were entered and the judging results.
Found here
; a discussion of themes for the contest found here.
The contest was held from August to October 2011 (announced August 16, deadline October 7). A longer period was given, accounting for the fact that many tropers would be in school. As a safeguard against tardiness, the deadline was extended by a couple of days until seven entries were received. This caused some confusion.
The judging dragged on longer than usual due to one judge abandoning the contest for real life duties. A real life acquaintance had to be recruited but also dropped. Finally a new judge was forced at gunpoint - uh, coaxed - into rounding out the score. Regardless, there were three tied places.
Theme: Story Salad - Combine two or more of the following into an elegant and well-crafted entry: Fairy tales, Genre Shift, Alternate History, Second chances, The entire story takes place in one hour, or Harris Burdick pictures
Host/anonymizer: snowfoxofdeath/ Snowy Foxes
Judges:
- jewelleddragon
- chihuahua0
- Kino (dropped)
- RL friend of Snowy Foxes (dropped)
- jewelleddragon's Other Half
Entrants:
- Fallen Legend
- Dealan
- feotakahari
- animemetalhead
- Doktorvan Eurotrash
- USAF 713
- Ralph Crown
- Freezair For A Limited Time
- Mecha Jesus
- Away Laughing
- snowfoxofdeath/ Snowy Foxes
- Leradny
- Chubert
- deathjavu
- Rhyme Beat
- Argeus the Paladin
- Manga Maniac
- Saturn
- Boredknight
- pagad
- Specialist 290
- History Maker
- Dae Brayk
- Atom James
- Tera Chimera
- Mild Guy
Results:
- 1: Entry 2 (feotakahari), 68 points
- 2: Entry 5 and 12 (Chubert and Snowy Foxes), 63 points
- 3: Entry 9 and 13 (Doktorvan Eurotrash and deathjavu), 60 points
- 4: Entry 3 (Tera Chimera), 58 points
- 5: Entry 10 (Mecha Jesus), 57 points
- 6: Entry 1 (Mild Guy), 56 points
- 7: Entry 11 (Freezair For A Limited Time), 54 points
- 8: Entry 6 (Dealan), 48 points
- 9: Entry 4 and 7 (Ralph Crown, Leradny), 47 points
- 10: Entry 8 (Fallen Legend) 44 points
jewelleddragon
Entry 1
- Conventions: 4/5 (balling instead of bawling, Spinsteress is not a word because spinster is already feminine, some awkward syntax)
- Theme: 5/5 (fairy tales, second chances, genre shift)
- Overall: 10/15
Darker and edgier takes on fairy tales always walk the line of unintentional humor. This entry generally manages, but the first half in particular has some lapses (you expect us to take a badass Little Red Riding Hood seriously? Did you see that movie?). I'm not a big fan of fantasy kitchen sinks, and while that shouldn't count against you, there are parts of this one, like Gretel, that don't feel like they add anything, especially since Gretel's establishment would presumably be a candy house. The world-building feels inconsistent; the Stork seems to be a real stork, but Cat and Mouse are guys, and since when is Clever Hans a fairy tale character? Also, spot checks. This is not D&D.
However, the world-building is well-communicated, revealing and concealing detail effectively, and often intriguing. I liked the Stork's establishment and the ravens, as well as Rumpelstiltskin's apparent fragility. As the pace picks up, the story gets stronger and more compelling, and the Rumpelstiltskin/Spinsteress/Hans interplay works well. The tone is very consistent.
Recommendation: Go through this with a close eye for what builds up the story and what undermines it.
- Total: 19/25
Entry 2
- Conventions: 4/5 (though for thought and a few others)
- Theme: 5/5 (Harris Burdick, second chances, a bit of fairy tale)
- Overall: 12/15
This story feels pat without being trite and follows a fairy-tale type of narrative with a legitimately sweet and powerful ending. It addresses legitimately difficult situations and makes them feel solved without trivializing them or feeling like a cop-out. Archie is nicely voiced. I'd like to see more of the mom and Eric; what we do see is interesting. My problems with this entry are primarily cosmetic. Archie swearing feels out of character. Statistics should be given as odds (something to one) or percentages (something out of one hundred). And, most importantly, the world feels really sparse. He goes to a park and plays a trading card game. We don't know what anyone or anything looks like.
Recommendation: A little color would go a long way.
- Total: 21/25
Entry 3
- Conventions: 4/5 (acknowledgement, a couple of missing words)
- Themes: 4/5 (alternate history, one hour. I don't consider finding aliens to really be in the spirit of alternate history, though.)
- Overall: 12/15
The survival/horror tone of this story is nicely developed and makes good use of the unknown. It has a good historical tone, too. Generally, it's very compelling. However, there are some weak points. The characters are essentially flat. It's strange that the infestation could progress so far without being noticed and that there are no safeguards nor methods of neutralization other than shooting them (why not seal off the area and gas it?), especially since there was a previous escape. And the ending is a let-down. Perhaps it's an inherent problem of survival/horror that it ramps up and then lets you down, but “Yeah, we killed them all” is a particularly weak way to do it.
Recommendation: Better ending, natch. Find a way to destroy the Ivaneks that's more clever than “we shot them all.”
- Total: 19/25
Entry 4
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 3/5 (fairy tales, one hour, Harris Burdick. But story with fairies doesn't equal fairy tale, and Harris Burdick is thrown in. Also I wouldn't peg this as genre shift or alternate history.)
- Overall: 6/15
This one is all over the place and no aspect of it is fully realized. Elves have been discovered, but their impact on society isn't explored very much. There are too many characters for such a short story and they're consequently underdeveloped. We get a few looks at elvish psychology and culture, but Jan and especially his relationship with Eileen feel too human. The plot bounces from accidental pregnancy to glowing pumpkins to dog attacks, abandoning one to address the next. The clean, spare writing is the strong point.
Recommendation: Start with world-building—think carefully about how tiny 400-year-old creatures would think and act, and how they would influence the world—and work out how to mesh the story with that.
- Total: 14/25
Entry 5
- Conventions: 4/5 (some awkward or ambiguous syntax)
- Theme: 5/5 (fairy tales, second chances)
- Overall: 14/15
A fairy tale entry containing a proper fairy tale, and a fine example of how to properly write vignettes. Each section stands on its own, but is harmonious with the others. The characters are fully developed in a few quick strokes. The dialogue is realistic and has strong voice. The larger events into which this story fits make it compelling, but it doesn't just feel like an excerpt from a longer work. The writing is evocative, but at times convoluted. My main points of contention are Lucy's scene, which introduces too many concepts for such a short space, and Jessica, who is an oddly inert foil.
Recommendation: Maybe drop Lucy's scene.
- Total: 23/25
Entry 6
- Conventions: 2/5 (punctuation issues and tense/number confusion, unnecessary capitals)
- Theme: 4/5 (one hour; fairy tale, but more of a general fantasy)
- Overall: 12/15
Interesting cosmology and approach to will and the mind. There's an appropriately inexorable feel to this world that draws you in—this was a story I really felt invested in. The first-person voice with its omniscient aspect is a neat storytelling angle. The rules of the world feel consistent and believable, avoiding contrivance. Still, there are a few major loose ends. Is the narrator driven by what people want or what people expect? Why bother mentioning the Other Humans and Barbara when they have no bearing on the story? Why are the transformations sometimes timed and sometimes triggered? The latter makes me suspect this might be part of a larger work, or at least a larger world, always a rocky starting place for a short story.
Recommendation: This story is mostly in need of a grammar clean-up.
- Total: 18/25
Entry 7
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 1/5 (No fan fiction. It's in the rules. Also doesn't include any of the themes.)
- Overall: 5/15
I don't read fan fiction and I'm not inclined to be generous to it in a contest that specifically forbids it. The author should also note that, while there was some discussion of fairy tales vs. tales that happen to include fairies, there is no universe in which Carmen Sandiego nor any expy of her is a fairy tale character. If you need to clarify why your story fits the theme, it doesn't.
I'm not sure if this story is supposed to be funny or not. Parts of it certainly are funny, but it feels unintentional, as if it's supposed to be a serious noir-detective story about Carmen Sandiego. The first few paragraphs in particular are incredibly narmy. It's apparently set in some sort of alternate world, which adds nothing except questions about why this world is exactly like ours. The story itself is adequately plotted and organized, but the protagonists never actually do anything substantive.
Recommendation: Follow the contest rules next time.
- Total: 11/25
Entry 8
- Conventions: 1/5 (get a native speaker as a copy editor)
- Theme: 5/5 (fairy tales, second chances)
- Overall: 9/15
While the conventions are a major hindrance, beneath them is a simple but charming fairy tale told in a classic style. Not a monumental work nor a very subtle one, to be sure, and it doesn't address any new or particularly interesting ideas, but there's an honesty to these characters that makes them relatable, and I'm inclined to prefer simple stories executed effectively to complex ones executed imperfectly. I also like the semi-historical setting, although the descriptions are too sparse to give a proper feel for it. It's broken up into way too many sections.
Recommendation: Get a native speaker to proofread.
- Total: 15/25
Entry 9
- Conventions: 5/5 (some word choice, but not docking you because it might be a British/American thing)
- Theme: 4/5 (genre shift, one hour, but I wouldn't have guessed the former)
- Overall: 13/15
A short and compelling entry. The lack of resolution is effective in a short story, leaving it appropriately open-ended, although the last paragraph isn't very snappy. The descriptions, voice, and fluency are all especially strong and make this one feel realistic and personal.
“I'm justice” is definitely not a strong reveal, though, and it's unclear how Christian comes around to believing her in just a few paragraphs.
Recommendation: Lose the last paragraph and end it with “eyes.”
- Total: 22/25
Entry 10
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5 (second chances, one hour)
- Overall: 11/15
A good concept, but the execution feels slightly at odds with itself. The apex of the story ought to be on Remiel offering Abel resurrection, but there's a page and a half of detailed action after that when the story ought to be winding down to its resolution, and when there's no emotional investment because Abel has been given his second chance and presumably won't immediately die. It's also odd that his second chance involves him immediately killing someone; having him take a third option to get out of the situation would be more fitting. The action and injuries are highly detailed, while the angel scenes are barely given any description. There's also a fair amount of word cruft.
Recommendation: Shave down the action parts so that the focus falls on the resurrection bit, where it should be.
- Total: 21/25
Entry 11
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5 (fairy tales, genre shift)
- Overall: 9/15
This entry starts out strong, but gets weaker. The voice initially suggests a children's story, but words like “effervescent” and the “bundle of sticks” joke suggest otherwise. Unfortunately it's a tired old premise, neither executed very strongly nor covering any new ground. An almost prohibitively large cast of stock characters goes through standard fish-out-of-water situations that often make very little sense (if the parents put so much research into picking a school, how come they don't know anything about it except the name?). I think the author also overestimates general knowledge of nerd culture.
The story's strong point, however, is the voice. The writing is playful, largely well-paced and organized, and often clever (such as “Spring bubbled”), although there are awkward bits, like “They all felt much better after that, but not quite.” This makes it a quick, fun read, regardless of its weaknesses.
Recommendation: Find a more exciting angle to take on the “fantasy creatures enter the real world, hilarity ensues” premise.
- Total: 19/25
Entry 12
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 4/5 (alternate history, second chances; the alternate history is barely mentioned)
- Overall: 14/15
This is a fascinating story that opens all kinds of questions. Its main issue is being a little too brief for its subject matter, but even that is hardly a criticism, since at every turn it feels open-ended rather than unplanned. The characters are complex and well-developed, especially the narrator, who manages to make the amnesiac narrator feel compelling, perhaps because the focus is on the future and where he's going rather than the standard plot of piecing together his past. The story could stand to expand more on the last bit, where he's with his family, and to give us a bit more history since the alternate-history aspect is barely mentioned.
Recommendation: Give us some more history.
- Total: 23/25
Entry 13
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 4/5 (fairy tales, second chances. Way over the word limit.)
- Overall: 11/15
This ought to be a great story, but I don't feel it's really working. The initial appearance of a cliché unhappy fairy tale sequel quickly gives way to the far more interesting multiple-realities story, but it's needlessly long and lacks the precision that these sorts of stories require. The writing feels affected; getting the correct voice for upper-class fantasy characters is difficult. But my main complaint is the narrator's OCD-like obsession with cleaning. No matter where she is or what she's doing, all she can talk about is how dirty everything is, and it overwhelms all the rest of her personality.
Recommendation: Trim it down by ceasing the constant cleaning focus.
- Total: 20/25
chihuahua0
Entry One: “Rumpelstiltskin Plays It Smart” (Breezy and Quirky)
- Conventions: 3/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 10/15
- Total: 18/25
Explanation: Overall, the breezy and quirky narration is a two-edged sword. At first, I found it a bit too loose (the content level isn’t usually something I look for), the amount of similes and metaphors used were interesting, not to mention amusing at parts. Rumpelstiltskin indeed has an interesting point. I also felt both dread and anticipation at parts. However, at parts, it was a little too breezy. I found it a little hard at parts to anchor myself into the story due to the monotony of the pacing (the narrator maintains the same rhythm throughout), and therefore a few details went over my head and failed to sink in. I was still able to follow the story. Also, while a lot of the characters were recognizable due to the way the narrator describes them, I confused Spinster and the Queen, and Hans fell a bit flat.
In terms of conventions, you didn’t do too badly. However, you tend to leave out commas (No avoiding it goddammit”), and you use one too many sentence fragments, which might have contributed to the fast pacing.
Advice: Vary your sentence structures a little. Be a little less breezy at parts when dealing with slower stuff. Mix the normal with the clipped and quirky, and the contrasting will make swallowing the story and retaining the nutrition a little better.
Entry Two: “The Young Redeemer” (Artistic and Looming)
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 13/15
- Total: 23/25
Explanation: Wow. At first, I was hesitant on giving such a high score to an early entry, but this is a stirring story. Although it doesn’t barrow deep into the gut, the story’s style is a little plain, but compact, hitting the right notes with a POV that switches from immersive and omniscient.
I had trouble anchoring myself at first because of the latter, and the fact that I couldn’t figure out whatever to read it as a Middle School, Young Adult, or Adult story (the content threw me off), along with Archie’s age and the time period, I settled into the story. Your story is strong enough to keep its prologue/epilogue and said bookisms from being jarring. The narrator reminds me slightly of Death from ‘’The Book Thief’’. The little details here and there helps. The final sequence with Archie’s parents…amazing. Conventions? Didn’t notice any problems, although I’m not the best at spotting them.
Advice: Flesh it out. I feel like there needs to be something more to this story, to polish it more, along with characterizing the narrator and his species. Maybe a novella, if you find enough content? I feel like the structure deserves expanding. Also, pin down your exact audience, and adjust Archie’s age and the content as necessary.
Entry Three: “Untitled” (“Alex Casey walked cautiously down the hall.”) (Flowy and Quick)
- Conventions: 4/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 9/15
- Total: 18/25
Explanation: Although the story’s straight-forward, with only a couple of twists, it is fun, in a way. With lots of small paragraph and lots of dialogue, it makes it a fast-paced and thrilling story. The exposition is also sprinkled throughout and delivered in a natural way. However, the number of characters (especially that squad) made me a bit detached from some of the minor ones, but I was able to hold on to a few like Ramirez, Larson, and O’Reilly. I felt the ending didn’t go down as climatic as it should be (pinning it down is a little hard), but it doesn’t affect the piece too much.
Conventions. Besides a few semi-colons and “little recoil, to boot.”, it’s fine.
Advice: Really, I’m not sure. It’s not bad, but not overly great…Maybe play around with atmosphere a little more? Also, make characters more distinct, and see if you can either reduce the squad or shift the focus.
Entry Four: Untitled (“Ten o'clock.”) (Brisk and Witty)
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 9/15
- Total: 19/25
Explanation: I liked the brisk pace. Although I was confused about the characters at first, when I sorted them out, it was smooth sailing. You have just enough detail to carry the story along, with little exposition bogging stuff down. Although I didn’t laugh out loud, I find some of the parts amusing. I would like to have more taste of this world. It has potential. Nothing wrong I noticed in terms of conventions.
Advice: A little more description may be needed to balance out the dialogue more. Contrast is important. Also, a little more focus to the scene may be needed. The dog in the end may need a little foreshadowing (or more of it, if I missed it). If this is supposed to be a little slice-of-life, it’s okay, but it’s hard pinning down the point of the scene.
Entry Five: Untitled (“Two words encapsulated the conditions of the colony Elysi:”) (Subdued and Artistic)
- Conventions: 4/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 11/15
- Total: 20/25
Explanation: It’s a beautiful piece, I can say that, and it’s also clear. But it didn’t have as much of I focus than I preferred it to have. Although the connection between the five parts is apparent, it took some retrospective thinking to pin them down. I feel like two, or even three (the cabin, the black hole, and the artificial of humanity), different plots are in motion, but I can’t see them clearly. It’s supposed to be thought-stirring, I know that. The fairy tale made that apparent, but I wished it tied up more neatly, possibly before the fifth part. However, I like your word choice and attention for detail, but I think it wasn’t distributed evenly in the middle, where it became a bit barer.
(“He knew what HQ’s reply would bee”) is the only grammar problem I spotted.
Advice: Improve the focus. Streamline it. I know you’re aiming for something literary, but the five parts sort of confuse me in a jumble. Really, I think this is more suited for a longer format, since a length like this requires more emphasize on one plot thread.
Entry Six: Untitled (“The Clock strikes twelve times.) (Plain and Internal/Distant)
- Conventions: 4/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 4/15
- Total: 13/25
Explanation: Although it is a bit thought-provoking and the end got slightly better, the prose is plain and a bit beige. The lack of dialogue, quite a lot of “I see”, “I hear” and such, lots of telling, little sensory details, simple vocabulary, and a strange godly view doesn’t make it very immersive. I feel detached. Besides a misplaced period (“Fifteen. minutes until my next transformation.”), there isn’t anything too awkward about the prose, but there’s nothing special about it. Your use of varied sentence structure did give your story a little more depth, but I couldn’t get into that depth. Ironically, how internal the POV causes the external part to fall flat. It’s mostly thoughts in a plain environment.
Story-wise, it’s hampered by the prose. The “capitalized phrases” at the beginning were a little confusing, and the animals form the narrator takes is also a bit confusing, but I can see a story down there. I see potential to convey the emotions of the humans. The problem is, you don’t “show” these emotions.
Advice: Really, I don’t have a lot to say about this, but try mixing your current style (semi-thought-orientated) with some more scene. Ground your narrator more, get the reader into her/its skin. Spice the wording up. Read about stuff like figurative language and word usage. Don’t be afraid to show some real color.
Entry Seven: “Whistle While You Warrant” (Noir and Witty)
- Conventions: 4/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 12/15
- Total: 21/25
Explanation: Although the first two paragraphs were a bit slow, you quickly built up the tension with your prose. And you got me hook at “That bitch stole my car”. Even though I left half-way through reading the story, I quickly pick up the feeling in my gut. Although it's a straight-forward detective story with a noir tint, the humor infused in the narrative, along with some thoughtful clues, made it an enjoyable tale. The antagonist is also interesting, along with a few other characters. I do have a few things to point out, though. First of all, I think the detective needs a little fleshing out. Although he possesses wit, his background isn't as elaborate on as Colonel Whitford. Also, you lost me at some of the clue stuff.
One nitpick though in terms of grammar. (Don't corrupt him, " Miss Whitford said, over an astonished gasp. "With your tall tales.") From what I know, “with” should be lowercase. And you use the word “pumps” one too many times. Find some other shoes.
Advice: As I said earlier, flesh the detective out. Increase his stakes in the case, perhaps putting a personal attachment to it. With some work, you can make a character that you can reuse again and again. Also, if you're going to publish it, file the serial numbers off Carmella Santiago. Besides that, not a lot.
Entry Eight: “The Fairy and the Slave” (Story-telling and Raw)
- Conventions: 1/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Overall: 5/15
- Total: 11/25
Now, story-wise. I can see this as a story aimed for children or middle-schoolers, but it still needs some strengthening plot-wise. For example, the protagonist’s problem with her mother is never resolved, you need to fix that. Also, her regaining her powers is a bit of a Duex Ex Machina. Keeping track of characters were a bit difficult, but it probably got to do with the prose. Also, you don’t show at the right times. Instances you probably should show is at parts like Vanisha destroying the army, or when she gets whipped for the first time. Generally, you should work on the end of the scenes. Also, reconsider making the beginning more scenic.
Lastly, if you’re going to enter again, you probably should get someone to look over your work. Either that, or take some lessons on grammar. It’ll help your writing, and save you a lot of pain in the long-run. Good luck.
Entry Nine: “"Her Eyes, Her Sword" (Varied and Subdued)
- Conventions: 3/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 7/15
- Total: 15/25
Explanation: Although I could feel the tension coming on, I feel like it wasn’t channeled correctly. The story is missing a strong structure. You do evoke some good images, but your delivery needs a little work. I think the main problem is with Christian. I’m confused whether he supposed to be a young man or a father. He also lacks a strong motive, nor good stakes. He only helps Justice out of spite. Also, the ending didn’t feel complete. It left things hanging. Plus, the build-up whimpered out, because the climax isn’t apparent enough. Is it when he offers to bring her to the hospital? If it is, it’s a bit beige there.
You made more than a few formatting blunders. For example, you always put your commas after the second quotation mark, which isn’t the correct position to put them. Also, the usage of underscores bothered me. Dashes are standard. Underscores are rarely used in formal writing. One minor nitpicks is that instead of “Is”, it should be “I’s”.
Last final note: I think the main problem is probably your voice. It seems inconsistent and unbalanced. While you zoom in on some details on some parts, there isn’t a lot of anchoring at other parts. Your dialogue is a bit silted, and dialogue tags are place in a way that interrupts rhythm.
Advice: Work on Christian first. Since the story is lacking conflict, you’ll have to find an inner conflict within him to drive the story, to give him a reason to be with Justice, something he can fulfill at least a little at the end. It’ll make hitting those beats better. Also, work on dialogue, along with your writing style.
Entry Ten: Untitled (“The back of his head was a mass of pain.”) (Formal and Subdued)
- Conventions: 3/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 10/15
- Total: 18/25
Explanation: Although it’s slow-paced, it’s a rather interesting story, a look into Abel’s soul and internal conflict. Some thoughts are offered with nice execution, especially with Abel and the lamb. The action parts formed some good tension too. However, the transitions to and from the flashback and the real world are a bit jarring. Maybe a soft break is needed. Also, the first paragraph after the section break is a bit too long, and I think the opening can be reworked to get to the point earlier (I read an article recently on how opening with a character regaining unconsciousness isn’t a great way to start it. A little unavoidable with your story, but…) . However, you hit all the plot beats pretty well.
One sentence killed the momentum a little due to having two mistakes (emphasizes added): (“[…]is prodding at my ‘’psych’’ supposed to aid in the judgement of my immortal soul? If so, we're wasting our breath. I'm ‘’Hell bound’’ anyway."”) You also use some unusual spellings (like sceptical) that are acceptable, but thrown me off a little. Besides that, I didn’t spot any grammar errors.
Advice: While your voice is stirring in a way, I feel like the action is a bit buried in it. Maybe I just find it a little too formal? It’s something to consider. You can transfer some stuff into your otherwise brisk but bare dialogue. Also, work on transitions and the opening and the closing. Besides that, it’s very polished.Entry Eleven: “The Brothers of Deepwood” (Story-telling and Picturesque)
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 8/15
- Total: 18/25
Explanation: Your prose is quite interesting. Although it’s mostly summative, approaching scenes in a passage-of-time matter, the plot is clear and straight-forward. It makes a good children’s story. The opening was a bit heavy, but the rest gets away with varying vocab without breaking its pacing.
However, it does fall flat plot-wise. For example, ‘’too’’ many characters. Do you really need fifteen? Seven, or even five, would be enough. I could only anchor onto a few, like Snow, but after a while I treated all the brothers as a collective character and didn’t bother making any ties. Of course, this comes with its problems. This neglects some of the main conflict, the relationships between the brothers.It’s also simple, with little twists. Safe, but not interesting.
Advice: Cut down the amount of brothers to five. You can delegate all those roles to those ones. Consider improving the opening to get to the point (that’s where I get the “Story-telling” vibe at first, besides the narrator), and raise the stakes. Perhaps contrast between the problems of the brothers who blend in or choose to stand out and therefore bullied.
Entry Twelve: “The cafeteria line mechanically shuffles on.” (Stark and Varied)
- Conventions: 4/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Overall: 13/15
- Total: 21/25
Explanation: Even though the details in the first paragraphs weren’t represented clearly, the rest showed the sci-fi parts in a stark way, not being confusing. The protagonist I emphasized on a level, and the list was a feather in your cap. The relationship to the wife is shown in a good and somewhat sad way (those lines she used while taking him to bed was clever). However, in the end, I realize that my expectations didn’t match with what you were trying to induce. For example, I expected some sort of rebellion, probably due to the narrator’s resistance to the experiments. The ending became a bit confusing, mostly because the transition starting with dialogue and making me think that the narrator was interacting with his wife at first. Also, the profile at the end is a little pointless. I wished to see the alternate history elements just a little more, as the Darth Vader and Legend of Zelda references, also presented nicely, don’t pin down the era enough.
Advice: While the opening is okay, work on the last half, or maybe the scene where the wife is rescuing the narrator and make things more clear. The profile may have to be cut. Also, see the transitions and see if you can strike a balance between smooth and jarring.
Entry Thirteen: “Mother Dearest” (Long-winded and Brisk)
- Conventions: 3/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Overall: 14/15
- Total: 22/25
Explanation: This is an unusual story for me to read last. Prose-wise, it’s varied. Your complex sentences were interesting at first (it probably reflected Ella’s voice), but it became monotonous soon. The opening had my interest trailing before the scene kicked in, along with the ending. The dialogue exchanges between the step-mother and her daughters also were a bit brisk for me. In general, although I was completely confused, information was lost at me. It locked the story within the text. Also, lowercasing “father” and “step-mother” was a bit jarring.
But the idea and execution under the prose was what redeemed it. It’s a story I would want to read. I actually considered doing a Cinderella story for the contest, before I decided to become a judge. But making it a Peggy Sue story puts a twist to it. The other elements (no happily-ever-after, Wilfred Ella’s pregnancy, the incorporation of mutilating feet, the father being alive and involved) maintained a constant state of tension. There was a bit of darkness, without being edgy. Once nitpick is the Shaggy Dog Story, though. It made pinning down Ella’s control of fate unclear.
Advice: Work on the prose. Change the voice and vary sentence structure. Add some more details to anchor the readers in so you can present information without dumping it. Think of a theme. This is a great story to put one in, due to how it adds new to the old in a new way.
jewelleddragon's Other Half
Entry 1
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Score: 9/15
- Total: 19/25
- Strengths: Solid conventions, readily apparent themes, and spots of original humor.
- Weaknesses: Sparse descriptions and somewhat loose characterization, no really likeable
Entry 2
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Score: 14/15
- Total: 24/25
- Strengths: Solid conventions, well-incorporated themes, good characterization and pacing. Very genuine.
- Weaknesses: Harris Burdick is of course a constraint but the story is pulled off well. Borderline
Entry 3
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Score: 12/15
- Total: 21/25
- Strengths: Plays to genre well, solid conventions, killer bunnies.
- Weaknesses: Slightly shaky themes, and stock characterizations.
Entry 4
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 3/5
- Score: 6/15
- Total: 14/25
- Strengths: Good conventions, characterization.
- Weaknesses: Somewhat reaching themes, and inconsistent tone. Also, killed a dog.
Entry 5
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Score: 11/15
- Overall: 20/25
- Strengths: Solid conventions, interesting characters, original vignettes.
- Weaknesses: Weak theme incorporation, loose connections between snippets.
Entry 6
- Conventions: 4/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Score: 9/15
- Total: 17/25
- Strengths: Good atmosphere, themes, concept.
- Weaknesses: A little too stream-of-consciousness at points.
Entry 7
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 3/5
- Score: 7/15
- Total: 15/25
- Strengths: Good conventions, some funny moments.
- Weaknesses: Weaker themes, somewhat meandering storytelling.
Entry 8
- Conventions: 3/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Score: 10/15
- Total: 18/25
- Strengths: Good story, theme incorporation, and consistent characterization.
- Weaknesses: Lacking in conventions, a little too stream-of-consciousness.
Entry 9
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Score: 13/15
- Total: 23/25
- Strengths: Original story, good conventions, nicely atmospheric.
- Weaknesses: Somewhat weak in flow, impassive characters (though some of that is intentional, I imagine).
Entry 10
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Score: 9/15
- Total: 18/25
- Strengths: Good pacing and conventions.
- Weaknesses: Ambiguous in theme and message.
Entry 11
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 4/5
- Score: 8/15
- Total: 17/25
- Strengths: Fine conventions, original origin story, nice flow.
- Weaknesses: Somewhat generic plotting, theme-light.
Entry 12
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Score: 9/15
- Total: 19/25
- Strengths: Good characterization, themes, conventions.
- Weaknesses: Narration breaks down a bit midway, gets a bit jumpy.
Entry 13
- Conventions: 5/5
- Theme: 5/5
- Score: 8/15
- Total: 18/25
- Strengths: Good conventions, thematic incorporation, good pacing.
- Weaknesses: Somewhat weak flow, hard-to-follow narration at points, and inconsistent message.
Theme: Music - Contestants were to choose a song or piece of music and write a story based on that.
Host: Parable
Anonymizer: jewelledragon
Judges:
- Parable
- Snowy Foxes
- Terminal Optimist (Dropped)
- Flyboy
- nrjxll (Dropped)
- Cave Johnson
- JHM
Participants:
- jewelleddragon
- feotakahari
- chihuahua 0
- Luthen
- Fancolors
- Hydrall
- Freezair For A Limited Time
- animemetalhead
- Euodiachloris
- Fallen Legend
- Specialist 290
- Hermiethefrog
- Doktorvon Eurotrash
- Eio
- Midnight Rambler
- Nocturna
- Aniventerie
- John Deerley
- Culex 3
- Journeyman
- i Dreams
- Leradny
- Mecha Jesus
- lu 127
- Ryusui
- Bur
- Battle Born
Results
- 1st Place: Entry 3 - Freezair For A Limited Time
- 2nd Place: Entry 8 - Feotakahari
- 3rd Entry: Entry 7 - Leradny
- 4th Place: Entry 4 - Culex 3
- 5th Place: Entry 2 - Nocturna
- 6th Place: Entry 5 - History Maker
- 7th Place: Entry 6 - Doktor von Eurotrash
- 8th Place: Entry 1 - Jewelled Dragon
- 9th Place: Entry 9 - Fallen Legend
