- Courtroom Shows:
- The People's Court: Far less common during the original Wapner era (1981-1993), but when a litigant pushed him to the limit, he wasn't shy about calling them out. There have been, on the other hand, several memorable examples during the Milian era:
- In October 2007, a young University of Miami law student makes the mistake of calling the ruling Milian is about to make (that he disagree with) an "opinion":
Milian: "No, that's my RULING, pal. And let me tell you something, Mr. University of Miami Law Student! I taught at U.M. for many years, and you, right now, are embarrassing us. You do not show that kind of disrespect, okay? If you don't like what the judge is doing, you take it to the next forum, but you do NOT stand there and say "That's your opinion" like a BABY, when a judge rules against — DON'T EVEN UTTER ANOTHER WORD!! — ... You've got a lot to learn about what it means to be a member of the Florida Bar, and if you think that this kind of petulance and babyness on your part, to tell around and tell a judge who you disagree with "WELL, THAT'S YOUR OPINION!" is going to get you anywhere, you are sorely mistaken. If there's nothing you should have learned in the last two years as a law student, that's something you should have learned as a human growing up, that you do not show that kind of disrespect. You don't like it, take it to the hallway, but you do not look a judge in the face — because, I don't care what you think of me, you've gotta RESPECT THIS PROCESS! And if there's anybody who I expect to respect this process, it's a second-year law student at the University of Miami. Verdict for the plaintiff, $450 and court costs."
- A few years later, a litigant calls Child Protective Services because a neighbor had failed to return a magazine she loaned to her. Milian was outraged:
Millian: "But I believe the one person I know who's escalating the shenanigans is you, because you're crazy! If you think that a court of law is going to entertain for 5 seconds that an Essence magazine that you loaned in November is going to net you a thousand dollars of profit, then you are crazy and you don't understand what the court system is about! It is not for your personal recreation! CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES IS NOT FOR YOUR PERSONAL RECREATION! THOSE PEOPLE HAVE REAL WORK TO DO! Okay? There's real families in crisis and distress, and your little, personal, petty, crazy, vendettas are not the subject of judge's lives! Get out of my courtroom, but not before you pay her $2000 in damages for making a malicious child services report!"
- Judge Judy delivers so many of these, it's become a regular attraction for viewers.
- Of course, the litigants they book on the show are not chosen for being the most intelligent and reasonable of people. Quite the opposite, in fact, because a logical, well-reasoned debate between intelligent, articulate people would have no drama and little entertainment value.
- Cheers. Frasier's speech to Sam and Diane in the ending sequence of "Triangle", which also Lampshaded the Belligerent Sexual Tension trope.
Sam: You are so—!
Diane: This is NOT—!
- Firefly: River reads Badger's mind and affects his Cockney accent while shredding him: "Sure, I got a secret. More 'n one. Don't seem likely I tell 'em to you now, do it? Anyone off Dyton colony knows better 'n to talk to strangers. You're talkin' loud enough for the both of us, though, ain't ya? I've met a dozen like you. Skipped off-home early. Minor graft jobs here and there. Spent some time in the lockdown, but less than you claim. And you're, what, a petty thief with delusions of standing? Sad little king of a sad little hill."
- CSI Crime Scene Investigation:
- Catherine is on the receiving end of a brutal one from Leo Finley at the end of "A Thousand Days on Earth". After confronting her, he explains how thoroughly she ruined his life (publicizing his arrest for accidental indecent exposure in the course of her accident, causing him to not only lose both his job and his girlfriend, but also tagging him with suspicion of a child murder he was innocent of.), screams at her for not caring about what she's done and simply trying to shoot him instead of attempting to at least reason with him first, then concludes by telling her in a chillingly calm tone that he's thinking about killing himself and how it'll be her fault if he does go through with it.
Catherine: What are you doing here?
Leo Finley: I was waiting for you.
Catherine: How did you get in here?
Leo: Can't we talk about something interesting? Me, for instance. I'm interesting.
Catherine: Yeah, let's do that. Let's talk about you.
Leo: For starters, Norah left me. Actually, she threw my stuff out onto the street, got a restraining order on me, notified the neighbors and called my boss. "Hey, Scumbag. Don't bother coming in, we'll mail you your last check." So in one fell swoop, as it were, I lost my girlfriend, my livelihood and my place to live. I thought it was going to be different this time. Frankly, I blame you.
Leo: You grind up the innocent with the guilty.
Leo: (mockingly) I was just doing my job.
I was just doing my
job. I was just following orders. Blonde Nazi bitch!
You get in there with your big boots and you kick it all apart and you don't care who you hurt. Whose life you destroy in the process.
Catherine: Calm down.
Leo: No! It's not fair.
Catherine: Calm down!
Leo: Don't tell me to calm down!
Catherine: I think you need to talk to somebody.
I am talking to somebody. I'm talking to you. So how about this? If I do decide to kill myself, I'm going to come over to your house, and blow my brains out right on your front lawn. As a gift to you and everything you stand for. How does that work for you? (turns and walks away)
- She delivers one to the perp of the B-Plot in "Justice is Served." who had killed her daughter from a previous relationship in a carnival ride and made it look like an accident because she wanted to be with her new boyfriend without any responsibility.
- Manipulative Bastard Adam Monroe, one of the principal villains, caps off the final episode of Season 2 with a magnificent diatribe against humanity's petty nature, successfully arguing in the process that Hiro Nakamura, the man who has come to stop him, effectively turned him into the man he is today.
- In the later seasons these start to become a signature move of supervillain Sylar, as he often hands one out to the other characters before killing them or simply to screw around with them. Presumably this is a function of his original power of understanding how things (and people) work, combined with his acquired ability to learn a person's memories through touch.
- Sylar gets one of these himself from Hiro Nakamura in Volume 5, where Hiro travels to the past, has a showdown with Season 1 Sylar, and finally tells him his fate: "You will collect a lot of powers. You will kill many people. You will become strong. The strongest of them all. But in the end, it won't make any difference. We all gather to stop you. You're alone. No one will mourn your death. No one will shed a tear. No one."
- He also gives a reason WE suck to speech to Elle calling them both "damaged goods that will never change"
- Samuel, channeling a bit of Adam Monroe, delivers a diatribe of his own against humanity about their inability to accept evolved humans into society towards a waitress in a restaurant in the town near his carnival, right before he drops the entire town into a big sinkhole.
- Breaking Bad: Mike Ehrmantraut delivers a devastating speech of this sort, which drives Walt mad and results in his own death, because Mike then turns his back on Walt.
- In Better Call Saul, Chuck gives one to Jimmy about how he's not a real lawyer and he's still the same miscreant he was in the past, which drives a wedge between the two brothers.
- Sherlock: Molly delivers one when it's revealed Sherlock was on drugs in "His Last Vow".
Molly: (tearfully) You say such terrible things.
Sherlock: Oh, I might be on the side of angels but don't for one second' think I am one of them!
Magnussen: Very hard to find a pressure point on you, Mr Holmes. The drugs thing I never believed for a moment. Anyway, you wouldn't care if it was exposed, would you? But look how you care about John Watson. Your damsel in distress.
Magnussen: Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes!
- Star Trek: The Original Series:
- In the episode "The Empath", Kirk gives one to the Vian scientists
If death is all you understand... here are four lives for you. We will not leave our friend. You've lost the capacity to feel the emotions you brought Gem
here to experience. You don't understand what it is to live. Love and compassion are dead in you. You're nothing but intellect.
- He gives another one to "Elaan of Troyius":
You enjoy the privileges and prerogatives of being a Dohlman. Then be worthy of them. If you don't want the obligations that go along with the title, then give it up. That's another one of your problems. Nobody's told you that you're an uncivilized savage, a vicious child in a woman's body, an arrogant monster! (Elaan slaps him) That's no way to treat someone who's telling you the truth.
- Star Trek: The Next Generation:
- In "The Best of Both Worlds: Part II", the Borg, by way of Locutus, delivered a chilling one to Commander Riker after the Enterprise's first attempt to stop them. "Your resistance is hopeless, (mocking Riker) Number One." It's almost as if the Borg were going to laugh in their faces, if they were the laughing types.
- In Part I, Commander Shelby also gave one to Riker.
Shelby: May I speak frankly, sir?
Riker: By all means.
Shelby: You're in my way.
Shelby: All you know how to do is play it safe. I suppose that's why someone like you sits in the shadow of a great man for as long as you have, passing up one command after another.
Riker: When it comes to this ship and this crew, you're damned right I play it safe.
Shelby: If you can't make the big decisions, Commander, I suggest you make room for someone who can.
- Quite a few Trek villains have cunning put-downs for humanity. The worst was Q telling Picard that humanity had been found to be "a grievously savage child race". Even though it came from a fictional character, it still stung.
- It's not just villains who insult humanity. Riker asks a transdimensional alien why there is no record of his kind visiting humanity before. The alien actually laughs and says, "What arrogance. There's no record of us visiting you because we haven't before... It's only in the last hundred years that you've become of some interest of study." Ouch.
- Let's not forget the one that Picard gives to Wesley in "The First Duty", at the Academy after he learns Wesley is lying to cover up an accident:
Picard: The first duty of every Starfleet officer is to the truth, whether it's scientific truth or historical truth or personal truth! It is the guiding principle on which Starfleet is based! If you can't find it within yourself to stand up and tell the truth about what happened, you don't deserve to wear that uniform!
- In the "Chain of Command" two-parter, Picard is relieved of duty for a secret mission. The new captain, Jellico, is essentially a Jerkass (though he's not without valid points). His command vastly differs from Picard's, opting more for a military attitude and a "Get it done" approach. Jellico naturally butts heads with Riker and by Part 2, they really lay into each other.
Jellico: Let's drop the ranks for a moment. I don't like you. I think you're insubordinate, arrogant, willful, and I don't think you're a particularly good First Officer.
Riker: Well, now that the ranks are dropped, Captain, I don't like you, either. You are arrogant and closed-minded. You need to control everything and everyone. You don't provide an atmosphere of trust, and you don't inspire these people to go out of their way for you. You've got everyone wound up so tight, there's no joy in anything. I don't think you're a particularly good Captain.
- When Jellico then asks him to pilot the shuttle and, after Riker says yes, turns to leave, he nicely points out Jellico's rudeness as a parting shot.
Riker: You're welcome.
- The episode "Ethics" ends with Dr Crusher delivering a thorough chewing-out to a particularly reckless doctor.
Crusher: You scare me, Doctor. You risk your patients' lives and justify it in the name of research. Genuine research takes time - sometimes a lifetime of painstaking, detailed work in order to get any results. Not for you. You take shortcuts - right through living tissue! You put your research ahead of your patients' lives. And as far as I'm concerned, that's a violation of our most sacred trust. I'm sure your work will be hailed as a stunning breakthrough. Enjoy your laurels, Doctor. I'm not sure I could.
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine:
- "Afterimage"' features rogue Cardassian Garak delivering a cutting put-down to Ezri Dax concerning her perceived failure to live up to her predecessor's legacy, ending with "Now, get out of here... before I say something unkind."
- And before that, in "The Wire", Garak harshly rebukes Bashir for his perceived naivete and "smug Federation sympathy" for believing that Garak deserved treatment for his withdrawal symptoms. Later in the episode, driven half-insane by all the side-effects of his withdrawal, Garak delivers a speech that swings wildly between lambasting Bashir and critcizing himself for the mistake that got him exiled: releasing a group of Bajoran prisoners from jail (at least, that's the story he was using that particular moment).
Bashir: You took pity on those children. There's nothing wrong with that!
Bashir: And so they exiled you.
Garak: That's right... and left me to live out my days with nothing to look forward to but having lunch with you.
Garak: Oh, I did! And that's the worst part: I can't believe that I actually enjoyed eating mediocre food and staring into your smug, sanctimonious face! I hate this place and I hate you.
- Interestingly turned on its head in the final episode, where Garak gives a Reason I Suck Speech, condemning his entire race for their "history of arrogant oppression."
- Quark gets in one on humanity, pointing out that while humans think they're better than the Ferengi, the Ferengi have no history of slavery or world war or other such pleasantries. Although, there is the matter of how they treat their women, so the validity of his statement is suspect.
Quark: See we're nothing like you. We're better.
- Sisko gets a good one on then-Vedek Winn in the first-season finale. She's trying to raise a stink about Keiko O'Brien not teaching a religious interpretation of the wormhole, and denounces the Federation as, basically, godless heathens. Sisko responds by giving up the entire station as an example of how Bajorans do not feel that way, then tells her that, for all her hate-mongering, people will soon forget it ever happened and go on with their lives. Winn can't even form a good comeback other than "We'll see." The whole thing turned out to be a Batman Gambit to assassinate a political rival, of course, but Sisko still owned her.
- In "The Maquis" Sisko delivers a "the reason WE suck" speech at the Federation.
Sisko: Do you know what the trouble is? The trouble is Earth. On Earth, there is no poverty, no crime, no war. You look out the window of Starfleet Headquarters and you see Paradise. Well, it's easy to be a saint in Paradise, but the Maquis do not live in paradise. Out there in the Demilitarized Zone, all the problems haven't been solved yet. Out there, there are no saints — just people. Angry, scared, determined people who are going to do whatever it takes to survive, whether it meets with Federation approval or not!"
- "Homefront/Paradise Lost": When Sisko heads to Earth to investigate possible Changeling infiltration, one of them comes right up to him to have a chat. He explains that they're caused so much chaos with only four infiltrators, then goes on to boast that the Founders won't lose because they don't fear their enemy, unlike the Federation.
- At the end of the same episode Sisko scenery-chews an admiral into resigning.
- In "Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges," Bashir faces his old Section 31 nemesis Sloan again. After the complicated plot unfolds and Bashir realizes that he's been an Unwitting Pawn, he is visited by Sloan at the end of the episode. Sloan hints at his own problems, but also says how they work to counteract Bashir's.
"The Federation needs men like you, Doctor - men with conscience, men who can sleep at night. And you're also the reason that Section 31 exists: to protect men like you from a universe which doesn't share your sense of right and wrong."
- Eddington gets a pretty good one off in "For the Cause" at Sisko:
Eddington: Why is the Federation so obsessed with the Maquis? We've never harmed you. And yet we're constantly arrested and charged with terrorism. Starships chase us through the Badlands and our supporters are harassed and ridiculed. Why? Because we've left the Federation, and that's the one thing you can't accept. Nobody leaves paradise. Everyone should want to be in the Federation. Hell, you even want the Cardassians to join. You're only sending them replicators because one day they can take their "rightful place" on the Federation Council. You know, in some ways you're even worse than the Borg. At least they tell you about their plans for assimilation. You're more insidious. You assimilate people and they don't even know it."
Ezri: I tend to look at the Empire with a little more skepticism than Curzon or Jadzia did. I see a society that is in deep denial about itself. We're talking about a warrior culture that prides itself on maintaining centuries-old traditions of honor and integrity. But in reality, it's willing to accept corruption at the highest levels.
Worf: You are overstating your case.
Ezri: Am I? Who was the last leader of the High Council that you respected? Has there even been one? And how many times have you had to cover up the crimes of Klingon leaders because you were told that it was for the good of the Empire? I... I know this sounds harsh, but the truth is, you have been willing to accept a government that you know is corrupt. Gowron is just the latest example. Worf, you are the most honorable and decent man that I've ever met. And if *you're* willing to tolerate men like Gowron, then what hope is there for the Empire?
- In "Civil Defense", an old subroutine on Deep Space Nine is accidentally triggered causing the station to think its still run by Cardassians and a Bajoran revolt is occurring. As thinks get steadily worse, Dukat eventually arrives and mocks everyone for the situation they're in. After giving conditions for him to help he attempts to leave... only to learn of another subroutine in the computer put there in the event he attempted to flee. He's then given a Reason You Suck Speech via recording from his (then at least) superior and is (for the first time in the series) at a complete loss for words:
Legate Kell Dukat, if you are seeing this recording, it means you tried to abandon your post while the station's self-destruct sequence was engaged. That will not be permitted. ... You have lost control of Terok Nor, disgracing yourself and Cardassia. Your attempt to escape is no doubt a final act of cowardice. All fail-safes have been eliminated, your personal access codes have been rescinded. The destruct sequence can no longer be halted. All you can do now is contemplate the depth of your disgrace... and try to die like a Cardassian.
- Star Trek: Voyager:
- In "Scorpion Part 2", Seven of Nine gives Chakotay one.
Seven: You are erratic... conflicted... disorganized. Every decision is debated, every action questioned, every individual entitled to their own small opinion. You lack harmony, cohesion, greatness. (beat) It will be your undoing."
I did it for you. I did it for this crew. We are alone here, at the mercy of any number of hostile aliens, because of the incomprehensible decision of a Federation Captain. A Federation Captain who destroyed our only chance to get home. Federation rules. Federation nobility. Federation compassion?
Do you understand, if this had been a Cardassian ship, we would be home now. We must begin to forge alliances. To survive, we must have powerful friends. The Kazon-Nistrim were willing to be our protectors in return for some minor technology.
Janeway: Minor technology that could change the balance of power in this quadrant.
Seska: Change it in our favor! That is all that matters at this point. Building a base of power in this quadrant. You are a fool, Captain. (to Chakotay) And you're a fool to follow her.
- Stargate SG-1:
- Princess Returning Pearl: Xiao Yan Zi gives Qian Long several of these, usually to do with his jerkass treatment of his concubines.
- General Hospital: During 2006, when Manny Ruiz kidnaps Sam, Alexis starts to criticize Mac and the PCPD for not doing a good enough job, but Mac turns it back around on her by reminding her that she was the one who got Manny acquitted in the first place:
: You wouldn't need
my department if you hadn't put Manny Ruiz back on the streets to begin with. Alexis
: Hey, I didn't put him on there. The jury did— Mac
: Spare me the lecture on constitutional law! You knew
Manny Ruiz was a psychopath
, and you went above and beyond to set him free
. Alexis, you used the law to free a killer, and now you stand here, and criticize the people who are out on the streets risking their lives to clean up your
mess. You're blaming the police for what you brought on yourself
. You know what, Alexis, you wanted a win? Well, you got it. And now your daughter is the one who has to pay the price.
- Malcolm in the Middle:
- In the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. episode "Nothing Personal," Skye gives one of these to the traitorous Ward. At first, because he doesn't know she knows he's a traitor, she couches it as suggestions of what he could say to his traitorous mentor, Garrett. When all is revealed, though, she actually gives him a second speech... while his prisoner!
- He gets another one in the season finale, "Beginning of the End", after all the fighting's done and he's been captured. Coulson tells him that, as bad as any physical torture he might receive will be, his internal torture will be worse.
Coulson: "You devoted your entire life to a deranged narcissist who never gave a damn about anyone, and now he's dead. You've the rest of your life to wrestle with the question, 'Who are you without him?'"
- Coulson calls him out again in season 2 "A Fractured House."
"My team? Y-you... You are not, nor will you ever be on my team. You dropped Fitzsimmons out of a plane. You murdered Victoria Hand and Eric Koenig. You betrayed every one of us you deluded son of a bitch!"
- Finally, Bobbi calls him out on his massive Never My Fault tendencies during the season two finale.
- Doctor Who:
- "Journey's End". Just before Davros detonates the Reality Bomb to destroy all kinds of matter in all universes, he stops to taunt the Doctor, pointing out that he turns his companions into weapons, and that hundreds have died for him, and yet he still has failed.
The man who abhors violence, never carrying a gun
. But this is the truth, Doctor. You take ordinary people and you fashion them
into weapons. Behold your Children of Time transformed into murderers. How many have died in your name? The Doctor, the man who keeps on running, never looking back because he dare not, out of shame. This is my final victory, Doctor. I have shown you yourself. Stand witness, Time Lord; Stand witness, humans: Your strategies have failed, your weapons are useless, and... oh, the end of the universe has come!
- Even though, as typical of villain arguments, it glosses over all the good, he had a fair point. It's even brought up again in a much later episode... by Rory Pond of all people. What's truly dangerous about the Doctor isn't that he makes people want to die for his cause (he can't control that, not without the consequences being even worse anyway) but because he makes them want to impress him. The Doctor can't control who chooses to die for him but he's fully aware of how much he shows off.
Rory: You know what's dangerous about you? It's not that you make people take risks, it's that you make them want to impress you. You make it so they don't want to let you down. You have no idea how dangerous you make people to themselves when you're around.
- This particular example is given some Hypocritical Humor value later in the same episode when Rory ends up insisting that he be allowed to stay and help the Doctor face the dangers of that week's villain's plot. Given the guilt-trip he'd explicitly laid on the Doctor for precisely this sort of thing earlier, and given that the Doctor had clearly taken it on board and explicitly told his companions to go back to the TARDIS where they'd be safe, the Doctor is a little bit annoyed at Rory, but there's no time to argue.
- One of the angstiest moments in old school Who was at the climax of "The Curse of Fenric": the seventh Doctor is forced to crush Ace's faith in him with a particularly nasty speech in order to make his plan pay off. He apologizes afterwards.
Time for the one final game. The choice is yours, Time Lord. I shall kill you anyway, but if you would like the girl to live, kneel before me. Ace:
I believe in you, Professor. Fenric:
Kneel, if you want the girl to live! The Doctor:
...Kill her. Fenric:
The Time Lord finally understands. The Doctor:
Do you think I didn't know? The chess set in Lady Peinforte's study. I knew. Fenric:
Earlier than that, Time Lord. Before Cybermen, ever since Ice World. Where you first met the girl. The Doctor:
I knew. I knew she carried the evil inside her. Do you think I'd have chosen a social misfit if I hadn't known? She couldn't even pass her chemistry exams at school, and yet she manages to create a time storm in her bedroom. I saw your hand in it from the very beginning. Ace:
No... The Doctor:
You're an emotional cripple. I wouldn't waste my time on her, unless I had to use her somehow. Ace:
- This is called back to in "The God Complex" where the Eleventh Doctor has to break Amy's faith in him and gives a "Reason You Suck" speech to himself.
- In "Cold Blood", the Doctor delivers one to the woman who tortured a sentient dinosaur to death and tries to destroy their civilization, thereby destroying peace talks and igniting a war between humanity and the other race. Every interaction he has with her for the rest of the show is essentially him telling her what a horrible person she is.
The Doctor: When you talk about this, you tell people we had a chance, but you are so much less than the best of humanity!
- At least until the final minutes, where he responds to him saving her life despite this by stating "An eye for an eye... is not the right way." Then he advises her to ensure her son and future generations know that she was wrong, giving her a proper chance at redemption.
- In "The Lazarus Experiment", to a mutated Richard Lazarus:
The Doctor: You can't control it, the mutation's too strong. Killing those people won't help you. You're a fool. A vain old man who thought he could defy nature, only nature got her own back, didn't she? You're a joke, Lazarus! A footnote in the history of failure!
- River Song gives it to the Doctor with both barrels after the Battle of Demon's Run, right before revealing that she's Amy and Rory's daughter, whom the Doctor failed to rescue in the violent spectacle:
You make them so afraid. When you began all those years ago, sailing off to see the Universe, did you ever think you'd become this
? The man who can turn an army around at the mention of his name? "Doctor," the word for "healer" and "wise man" throughout the Universe, we get that word from you, you know. But if you carry on the way you are, what might that word come to mean? To the people of the Gamma Forests, the word "doctor" means "mighty warrior." How far you've come. And now they've taken a child, the child of your best friends, and they're going to turn her into a weapon
just to bring you down. And all this, my love, in fear of you.
- In "The Edge of Destruction", Barbara gives the Doctor a big lecture about how he cares nothing about anyone else, thinks that he is the most important person in the universe, has no sense of right and wrong, just does whatever he wants to all the time even if it endangers other people, and is a horrible man, a terrible grandfather and genuinely deserves to be dead. This leaves him quite shaken, and the final part of the serial shows him apologising to her for his behaviour and admitting that her spirit in calling him out on it is the same thing that caused her to figure out what was wrong with the TARDIS and how to save them all. This is very important in giving him Character Development.
- The Doctor gives another really good one to the true Old God during the climax of "The Rings of Akhaten" that gradually turns into a Badass Boast as he dares it to gorge itself to death on the memories of his 1200 years of life.
The Doctor: Okay then. That's what I'll do. I will tell you a story. Can you hear them? All these people who lived in terror of you, and your "judgement". All these people who's ancestors devoted themselves, sacrificed themselves, to you! ...Can you hear them singing? Oh, you like to think you're a god! But you're not a god, you're just a parasite, eat now with jealousy and envy and longing for the lives of others! You feed on them, on the memory of love and loss and birth and death and joy and sorrow so...so...come on then. Take mine. Take. My. Memories. But I hope you've got a big appetite because I have-unf-lived a long life and I have seen a few things. I walked away from the Last Great Time War. I marked the passing of the Time Lords. I saw the birth of the universe and watched as time ran out, moment by moment until nothing remained. No time. No space. Just me! I walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a MAD...MAN. I have watched universes freeze and creations burn! I have seen things you wouldn't believe, I have lost things you will never understand, and I know things! Secrets that must never be told, knowledge that must never be spoken! Knowledge that will make parasite gods BLAZE! SO COME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON, THEN! TAKE IT! TAKE IT ALL, BABY! YOU HAVE IT! YOU HAVE IT AAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!
- In "The Ark in Space", the Fourth Doctor gives one to Sarah Jane calculated to hit all of her Berserk Buttons, in order to turn her screaming into screams of Unstoppable Rage. (This was the Fourth Doctor's second story and so it serves as something of an Establishing Character Moment for him - it is impossible to imagine the Third Doctor being this manipulative.)
Doctor: Oh, stop whining, girl. You're useless.
Sarah: Oh, Doctor..!
Doctor: "Oh, Doctor", is that all you can say for yourself? Stupid, foolish girl. We should never have relied on you. I knew you'd let us down. That's the trouble with girls like you. You think you're tough, but when you're really up against it, you've no guts at all. Hundreds of lives at stake and you lie there, blubbing.
- Dr. House has patented these. So much so that at the end of season 3, two thirds of his staff quit on him. House also receives an epic one from Jack Moriarty, a.k.a. his own subconscious in the Season 2 finale.
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
- Willow gives one to Faith, when the latter is holding her at knife-point.
Willow: Faith, wait. I wanna talk to you.
Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo. Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste.
- Also, much more simply, after Faith challenges Buffy with the old classic "You think you're better than me!"
Buffy: I am. Always have been.
- A sillier one, directed as Alpha Bitch-turned-Laughably Evil vampire gang leader, after her gang gets sick of her Contractual Genre Blindness and turns against her:
Buffy: Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the homecoming committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad? You suck.
- Also, Buffy gives one to the potentials in the episode "Get it Done". Anya even lampshades it later.
Anya: You missed her "everyone sucks but me" speech. If she's so superior, let her find her own way back.
- Xander gives one to Buffy in "When She Was Bad" when her unwillingness to work with the group leads to everyone but Xander being kidnapped:
Xander: I don't know what your problem is, what your issues are. But as of now, I officially don't care. If you had worked with us for five seconds, you could have stopped this.
- And let's not forget the one he gives to Spike in "Doomed":
: "Hate to break it to you
, O Impotent One
, but you're not the Big Bad
anymore. You're not even the Kinda Naughty! You're nothing but a waste of space - my
space! And as much as I always got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum and as much as I know I can give you a little bum-kicking myself right now, I'm here to tell you something: you're not even worth it
- Dark!Willow after inflicting a magical No-Holds-Barred Beatdown on Giles.
"You're such a hypocrite. Waltzing in here with your borrowed magicks. So you can tell me what? Magic's bad? Behave? Be a good girl? (chuckles) Well, I ... I don't think you're in any position to be telling me what to do. (camera pans up to show Giles pinned to the ceiling)
- Buffy gives an awesome one to the Watchers' Council, pointing out that their tests are just being used to save face and they're going to let her back in no matter what because they can't be Watchers without a Slayer.
- Toru tries to give one to Dracula, of all people. Backfires horribly.
- Roden delivers one to Faith.
- Happens quite often on Angel. It makes sense when it comes from someone like Wolfram & Hart, or another of Angel's old enemies. But they can even come from a source as unlikely an insectoid priest who lives in another dimension, who started taunting Angel about how Angel's son will never appreciate him.
- When Angel tries to return to the team after his "epiphany" in season two, Wesley calmly and quietly delivers one of these speeches in defense of Cordelia. Although it's less of a the-reason-you-suck speech and more of a my-best-friend-is-awesome-and-you-suck-because-you-haven't-been-around-to-notice-it speech.
Angel: Knowing her...
But you don't. You don't know her at all. For months now you haven't cared to. Otherwise you might have realized that our Cordelia has become a very solitary girl. She's not the vain, carefree creature she once was. Well, certainly not carefree. It's the visions, you see. The visions that were meant to guide you.
You could turn away from them. She doesn't have that luxury. She knows and experiences the pain in this city, and because of who she is, she feels compelled to do
something about it. It's left her little time for anything else. You'd have known that, if you hadn't had your head firmly up your...place that isn't on top of your neck.
- Another one of these speeches comes in "Conviction." Angel has stopped the bad guy of the week, a soldier working for Wolfram and Hart. The soldier says that all of his evil deeds were done simply because he likes being evil, but then points out that at least he believes in something. Angel, he is saying, has no real beliefs, and is just "going through the motions" (as Buffy sings about in her musical episode) without any real reason to want to do good.
- Angel's response though, is one true Crowning Moment of Awesome:
Soldier: You pathetic little fairy.
Soldier: That's exactly what you are. You're miniscule. A dust mote on the shelf of that great institution. Now, you think I'm just a trigger-happy jerk who follows orders. But I'm something that you'll never be: I'm pure. I believe in evil. You and your friends, you're conflicted. You're confused. We're not. That's why you're going to lose. Because we possess the most powerful thing in the world: conviction.
Angel: There's one thing more powerful than conviction. Just one: mercy.
[Angel kicks his gun causing the soldier to shoot himself]
Other Soldier: What happened to mercy?
Angel: [walking off] You just saw the last of it.
- In Destiny, Spike gives one to Angel after defeating him in battle, explaining that Angel only does good when he has a soul, a soul forced on him as a curse. Spike was willing to do good even without a soul, and even then, he eventually fought to get one because he wanted to be a good person again.
- Of course, Angel also poked holes in that speech and gave him a speech - which, just like Spike's speech, was essentially fan opinions used by shippers in the great Spike/Angel war.
- Marcus Hamilton beat up Angel and talked about how if Angel had never been turned into a vampire, he would have lived an unremarkable life and then died penniless and forgotten in a gutter, but even as a vampire, he still fails everybody in the end. It backfires because during the speech, he inadvertently reveals the source of his power, allowing Angel to defeat him.
- In Teen Wolf, Coach Finstock gives one to Scott. See Mugging the Monster.
- In The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Cromartie actually delivers one of these to Sarah after he captures her in "Mr. Ferguson Is Ill Today," explaining how she screwed up and how he managed to find her, and throws in a few jabs at Cameron and John for good measure.
- In Boston Legal, Alan comes up in trial against Jerry Espenson, a lawyer previously at Alan's firm who has Asperger's, and has been working on it through a variety of techniques. In the trial, he uses a wooden cigarette to relax and turns into a brash, arrogant (but very good) lawyer. Without it, he's a bumbling, hopping, purring, squealing man who never takes his hands off his thighs (thus the nickname "Hands" Espenson). In a break in the trial, Jerry gives Alan a "This is why I'll win" speech, and Alan beats it with this:
Alan: Here's the problem with your theory, Jerry. As plausible as it sounds now, you and I both know that when you actually get up to give your closing, you're "Hands" Espenson. Chewing on a silly wooden cigarette isn't going to distract you from the reality that you have very little trial experience, that you're scared to death just to be in the room, and as able as you might be to fool others or even yourself, I know what you are. And knowing that I know, feeling my stare upon you, you'll be utterly reduced to an ineffective, bumbling, inarticulate man with Asperger's, because that's what you are, Jerry.
- Jerry drops the cigarette, grabs his stuff, his hands go back to being pressed to his thighs and he runs out of the corridor, hopping on the way out, which makes him a massive Woobie.
- Could also count as a What the Hell, Hero?, seeing as Jerry is one of just two people that Alan considers a friend. Immediately afterwards, Alan is remorseful and the consequences of his words are felt for the next few episodes.
- In Scrubs, Dr. Cox is somewhat famous for delivering these to J.D. Other characters do this on occasion as well to a variety of different people, from patients to superior doctors to interns to... well, anyone, depending on who needs it.
- A very good example.
- Another example.
- J.D. himself gets a great one when the others are bitching about their relationship problems and he puts them into perspective. And again to Elliot when she keeps complaining about her relationship with Jake.
- And let's not forget when he rips his big brother apart in a speech that more or less makes Dan a) run away choking down tears and b) turn his life around 180°.
- And in his first episode, Derek delivers one to Carla, Cox, JD and Turk.
- Jordan does a decent one at the end of Season 1, spilling the secrets of everyone in the group.
- Andy's monologue from the end of the Extras Christmas special, which sums up all of the show's themes about celebrity culture and turns into a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming at the end ("I'd be the penguin").
- Julia Sugarbaker of Designing Women is legendary for these. They are leveled against her opponents so often, and so well, that the rest of the gang occasionally refers to her as "The Terminator."
- This tendency for delivering these set downs comes back to bite her in "The Candidate." Julia runs for a local office to unseat a pompous career politician, and he goads her into going off on live television.
- The Evil Queen of The 10th Kingdom gives a whole series of these to Virginia in her Magic Mirror room, but the most memorable occurs just before she compares their beauty in one of the mirrors and tries to strangle her:
: "You were unwanted, that's plain to see
. Haven't you always known that, secretly? That you were the ugly duckling. And now you've given yourself delusions of grandeur, thinking you were capable of great things. But no... you were right in the first place. You are plain. Plain and ugly
- On Supernatural it happens quite often to Dean Winchester.
- Played in the season 5 episode Dark Side of the Moon with Dean's mother (only not really).
- Death gives one of these to Dean every time they meet (and do they ever put Dean in his place).
- Dean himself gives a brief but pretty effective one in season 5, though, in Changing Channels:
Gabriel: You're just gonna, you're gonna leave me here forever?
Dean: No. We're not, 'cause we don't screw with people the way you do. And for the record? This isn't about some prize fight between your brothers or some destiny that can't be stopped. This is about you being too afraid to stand up to your family.
- Gabriel ends up taking Dean's advice and gives his big brother Lucifer a good one in Hammer of the Gods:
Gabriel: Play the victim all you want. But you and me? We know the truth. Dad loved you best. More than Michael. More than me. Then he brought the new baby home and you couldn't handle it. So all this, it's just a great, big temper tantrum. Time to grow up.
- In Season 4 episode "After-School Special," this happens twice. In a flashback, Sam delivers one to the school bully, coining the nickname of said bully, Dirk the Jerk. One was also delivered to Dean after a brief love interest catches him with another girl.
- In "Clip Show", the penultimate Season 8 episode, Crowley uses one to explain to the Winchesters why he's killing all the people they've ever saved. For extra effectiveness, it's delivered over the phone while they're desperately trying to save Sarah, who he's killing with a hex.
: What's the line? "Saving people
, hunting things. The family business." Well I think, the people you save, they're how you justify your pathetic little lives. The alcoholism
, the collateral damage
, the pain you've caused... The one thing that allows you to sleep at night — the one thing
— is knowing these folks are out there, still out there, happy and healthy because of you. You great big bloody heroes. They're your life's work, and I am going to rip it apart
. Piece by piece. Because I can. Because you can't stop me. Because when they're all gone, what will you have left?
- Bobby gives one to both Sam and Dean in "Weekend at Bobby's":
: Sam... Dean... I love you like my own
. But sometimes- *takes a long drink* sometimes you two are the whiniest
, most self-absorbed sons of bitches I ever met! I'm selfish? Me? I do everything for you! Everything! You need some lore scrounged up, you need your asses pulled out of the fire, you need someone to bitch to about each other, you call me and I come through, every damn time! And what do I get for it? Jack with a side of squat! Dean
: Bobby- Bobby
: Do I sound like I'm done?! Now look. I know you've got issues. God knows I know. But newsflash-you ain't the centre of the universe!
Now, it may have slipped your mind that Crowley owns my soul!
And the meter is running! And I will be damned if I'm going to sit around and- and be damned!
So how about you two sack up and help me
- In the pilot of Big Time Rush, after Gustavo ignores Kelly's advice to give the boys a break and tries to make them sing, Kendall accidentally causes a fight between him and the other three boys using fruit water and pillows. This results in Gustavo scolding them saying that they lack any potential whatsoever:
Gustavo: (to Carlos) YOU... can't sing. (to Logan) YOU... can't sing, OR dance!
Logan: But I can backflip.
Gustavo: Stop it!
Gustavo: (looks at James, but says nothing and moves to Kendall) And worst of all, you don't even seem to WANT this! (Kendall coughs up feathers)
James: What about me? I sing, dance, and I want this.
Gustavo: You... remind me a lot of Matthew McConaughey.
Gustavo: I CAN'T STAND MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY! So, this group can't sing, can't dance, they don't have a song, or a look, and they're COVERED... IN FEATHERS! And I would rather quit-RIGHT NOW!-than commit pop suicide on Friday in front of the record company!
- The Mentalist: Virgil Minelli delivers a Crowning Moment of Awesome of one to the standard "How are you feeling" reporter question:
You know, for 8 years, I've put up with the idiotic questions of the media, and I've never said squat. But today, I must tell you Meredith, you've really set a new standard in horse's-assery
. You people have no ...concept
... of what we do. We go into dark, horrible places, alone and afraid. And we do it with no money, broken down vehicles, with computers that have more viruses than a $10 whore. How? Good people. And I lost 3 good people today, and a fourth is in critical condition. And you ask me how I'm feeling? I'm feeling sad
, you moron
. Any other questions? (silence
) Okay then, good day to you. Lisbon, carry on.
- Geoffrey Tennant of Slings and Arrows to his rival and long-term enemy Darren:
"You are a pompous fool, you have no respect for the stage. You have no business working in the theatre. You slaughter the text, you fill the stage with animals, you're just an all-round goof."
- Geoffrey seems to do variations on this theme at least once per episode, to Oliver. Particularly over the phone in the first episode, and when encouraged to do so in therapy, later.
- Particularly epic is the one he gives to Henry Breedlove as he fires him the night before opening Macbeth
Geoffrey: Oh Henry, just a quick note before you go.
Henry: Yeah, what is it?
Geoffrey: You're fired.
Geoffrey: Oh I think you heard me. You're fired.
Henry: On what basis?
Geoffrey: Well I could just say that I don't like you, but that's not really specific enough, and this is all about specifics, isn't it? So the truth is: I don't like you, and I don't like your acting. I don't like the fact that you ignore my direction, I don't like the fact that you play everything to the audience. I don't like your complete lack of theatrical courage, and I really don't like that you have turned Ellen against me but that's subtext. In any event, I'm putting in Jerry tomorrow night.
Henry: You are insane.
Geoffrey: Not at this moment. Your fans await
- In the season 6 premiere of Lost, the Monster gives such a speech about the recently deceased Locke to Ben, taunting his hope for destiny and purpose, indirectly making fun of Ben's uselessness in the process, and (intentionally) enraging all of the viewers who have put so much faith in Locke over the years.
The Monster: "Do you want to know what he was thinking when you choked him, Benjamin? What the last thought that ran through his head was? 'I don't understand.' Isn't that just the saddest thing you ever heard? But it's fitting in a way because when John first came to the island he was a very sad man, a victim shouting at the world for being told what he couldn't do, even though they were right. He was weak and pathetic and irreparably broken."
- "But- there was something admirable about him".
- Locke has received so many of these, it's not even funny.
Ben: "I feel for you, John. I really do. You keep heading down dead ends. You couldn't find the cabin, you can't make contact with Jacob and now you are so desperate to figure out what to do next you are even asking me for help. So, here we are, just like old times. Except I'm locked in a different room, and you're more lost than you ever were."
Jack: "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe these delusions that you are special aren't real? That maybe there is nothing special about you at all? That maybe you are just a lonely old man who crashed on an island?"
Sawyer: "Locke was scared even when he was pretending he wasn't."
Kate: "I think about you sometimes. I think about how desperate you were to stay on that Island. And then I realized... it was all because you didn't love anybody."
Richard: "Over, uh, twenty years ago, a man named John Locke, he walked right into our camp. And he told me that he was going to be our leader. Now I've gone off the Island three times, to visit him. But he never seemed particularly special to me."
- In "H.O.U.S.E. Rules", a season 1 episode of the sci-fi comedy Eureka, resident smug snake Nathan Stark gets one in against idealistic super genius Henry Deacon when he tells him "People like you don't get to do what you do unless people like me do what I do. Idealist don't get much done without a few realists running interference for them. So get off your moral high horse."
- Red Dwarf does these constantly throughout the series. The vast majority are aimed at Arnold Judas Rimmer; but each major character gets targeted with at least one, including latecomer Kochanski.
- "Time Slides" has a distraught and disillusioned Lister blasting through a list of reasons he's sick of his fellow crew members — the vast majority aimed at and said to Rimmer, including, "...the fact that you always smile when you're being insulted."
- Rimmer does something similar in "Out Of Time", when he appoints himself Morale Officer for the crew. This seems to involve walking up to each of them and yelling at them a lengthy list of things about them that annoy him. Works for him, anyway.
- In "Terrorform", when asked why he would have such a massive sense of self-loathing, Kryten goes on for nearly a minute detailing in an impersonal and analytical manner on why anyone would dislike Rimmer (and only goes through half the list).
- Turned Up to Eleven by Kryten in the episode "Justice", when he builds a case around proving Rimmer innocent of manslaughter. By virtue of being so absolutely incompetent that if he was actually placed in a position where he could cause a disaster, the real blame would lie with whoever was moronic enough to give him that job in the first place. He succeeds in winning Rimmer acquittal on all charges.
Kryten: "This man is not guilty of manslaughter, he is only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime; it is also his punishment."
- Rimmer gives one of these to the Cat in "DNA", prompting the response, "You've just listed all of my best features!"
- On of the most epic uses of this trope occurs in "The Inquisitor". Not only do nearly all of the gang get them from each other; but, via the titular Inquisitor, they each get a "The Reason You Suck" Speech from themselves. Interestingly, Rimmer and Cat prove themselves worthy of survival by, respectively, arguing that "suck" is a step up from where he started, and proving as shallow in giving the speech as receiving it. Lister tries to ignore the charges entirely, and Kryten attempts a Shut Up, Hannibal!, both only serving to piss off the Inquisitor.
The Inquisitor (as Arnold Rimmer)
: "It's a bit metaphysical, I know; but it's the only fair way
- Lister also delivers a supreme suck-speech to Rimmer in the same episode, to prove he knows him
[to Rimmer] You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people committed suicide!
Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. You sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer B Sc
" and the B Sc
stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket
with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse.
- In Life On Mars, Sam Tyler gives a good one to the woman who — on orders from a local gangster — led him into a 'honey trap' to neutralize him as a threat and then made the mistake of taunting him about it.
Sam: You're a loser, Joni... or whatever your name is. Because you live in fear. And that's not really living at all, is it? See, I don't live in fear. I'm alive.
- Gene Hunt gives Sam quite a tongue-in-cheek one:
- Sid gives Tony one of these in the first series of Skins, basically telling him that Tony's sociopathic behaviour means Sid has lost all respect for him, he has no friends and even Effy (the only person Tony cares about) isn't returning his phone calls.
- In The Vampire Diaries, Vicki lays into Elena for breaking up with Matt in "Haunted".
Vicki: Let's get one thing straight you perky little bitch. You had my brother whipped for 15 years. 15 years and then you dumped him. When I look at you that is all I see. And I will see Jeremy whenever I want because I have some fun new little toys to play with and I won't think twice about ripping your little head off.
- Matt gives one to Rebekah that turns out to be a hallucination; hence, Rebekah's own subconscious was telling her why she sucked.
- Mikael delivers one powerful enough to make big bad Klaus cry. Doesn't work, but sheer reaction makes this a winner.
Mikael: To what end, Niklaus? So you can live forever, with no-one at your side? Nobody cares about you any more, boy! Who do you have, other than those whose loyalty you forced? No-one. No-one...
- In The Wonder Years, Kevin gives a crushing blow to Wayne when one of Wayne's pranks goes too far and he accidentally sucks up the class hamster in the vacuum cleaner:
Kevin: You want to know why Angela wouldn't come over?!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: Because she doesn't like you, Wayne!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: She doesn't - nobody does!
Wayne: Shut up!
Kevin: No! You may be bigger than me, and stronger than me. But you know what, Wayne? I have friends! Nobody likes you, Wayne! You're just mean, to everybody, all the time, because... nobody likes you! You're pathetic!
- In Private Practice, Cooper gives one of these in a speech to his live-in girlfriend. And it was harsh. He called her a "sex toy I got online", tells her she's heartless, bitchy, mercenary, and has daddy issues. And that's how Cooper became a Jerk Ass.
- The Twilight Zone
- Throughout the episode "The Masks," the dying millionaire has been quietly insulting his greedy family; however, close to the end of his Becoming the Costume plot, he delivers an impressive rant against them before dying and leaving them horribly disfigured by their masks.
Are you feeling weaker, father? Jason Foster:
At last, a note of hope in your voice, Emily. Emily Harper:
Why must you always say such miserable, cruel things to me?! Wilfred Harper Sr.:
Yes, father, I quite agree! Jason Foster:
Why indeed, Emily, because you're cruel and miserable people! Because none of you respond
to love! Emily
responds only to what her petty hungers dictate! Wilfred
responds only to things that have weight and bulk and value! He feels
books, he doesn't read them! He appraises
paintings, he doesn't seek out their truth or their beauty! And Paula
there lives in a mirror; the world is nothing more to her than a reflection of herself. And her brother
... Humanity, to him, is a small animal, caught in a trap, to be tormented! His pleasure is the giving of pain, and from this he receives the same sense of fulfillment most human beings get from a kiss or an embrace! You're caricatures, all
of you! Even without your masks, you're caricatures!
- In "The Brain Center at Whipple's", Dickerson breaks into the Whipple's manufacturing plant and tells Wallace V. Whipple off for replacing him and the rest of the company's employees with machines.
- This later gets an Ironic Echo, when Whipple himself is replaced by a machine, after having a mental breakdown from isolation, alone in a machine filled factory.
- Also from the same episode, Whipple's right hand man, who has so far kept his cool while only trying to calmly warn Whipple of the consequences for his action, learns-as he suspected-that he is being replaced as well. All while Whipple happily informs him, that he will be receiving compensation for his services and expects them to still be good friends. His response? He slaps acts like he going to accept his offer, before slapping Whipple in the face, before refusing his offer of severance on the grounds "I would prefer leaving with my dignity.", before once again, warning his boss of the consequences of what he has done, all while in completely calm tone.
- The season one episode "Sticky Wicket" offers this gem:
Hawkeye Pierce: You think you're the only one who's busy. You asked for help three times today, three! Give me some salt, I can still taste this. Then when you make a mistake, you're not smart enough to admit it and start over. We're not here to compensate for you.
Trapper John McIntyre: I'll buy that.
Frank Burns: Well, I don't buy it.
Margaret Houlihan: Neither do I.
Trapper John: It's a tie, two against fifty.
Hawkeye: You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses, bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting, and dumb. And those are your good points. You're also surgically incompetent. I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff!
- In a later episode, BJ is lamenting how sad his life is by his wife having to work and he is missing out on important parts of his daughter's early life. Margaret gives him a dressing down ("How dare you think your type of pain is more important that ours") pointing out that the only reason he has more to lose is that he has more to start with.
- Being the kind of show that it is, you wouldn't be surprised to find examples from Battlestar Galactica here. But consider the Number One Cylon model's utter contempt for humanity summed up with this unforgettable rant.
Number One: I don't want to be human! I want to see gamma rays! I want to hear X-rays! And I want to - I want to smell dark matter! Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can't even express these things properly because I have to - I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws! And feel the solar wind of a supernova flowing over me! I'm a machine! And I can know much more! I can experience so much more. But I'm trapped in this absurd body! And why? Because my five creators thought that "God" wanted it that way!
- Both Adamas on the show beautifully deliver one to every single human in existence, Bill gives his in the miniseries, and Lee when he testifies during Baltar's trial in "Crossroads"; in fact, if they weren't you know human, Cavil would probably be begging them to teach him how its done.
- And Lt Gaeta hands old man Adama a pretty damned good one of his own as the mutiny makes itself known late in season 4.
- On a Christmas episode of Night Court, not-so Lovable Lech Dan Fielding, of all people, delivers an epic one to a scrooge-like business owner who has just confiscated stolen toys back from a group of kids:
Dan: I'd just like to say that you are fully within your legal rights, sir and also THAT WAS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! (pause) And I only wish you knew who it was saying this to you....
- Babylon 5:
- In "Moments of Transition" Delenn gives the head of the warrior caste a CMOA "The Reason You Suck" Speech, effectively calling him a Miles Gloriosus for being afraid to commit ritual suicide but not afraid to order a Civil War.
- In "Severed Dreams" she does this to the Grey Council accusing it of being Head-in-the-Sand Management.
- Delenn's speech is so effective at shaming the council that more than half of them walk out of the room with her!
- "Shadow Dancing" had Stephen Franklin give a ruthless one to himself, via a hallucination at the end of his walkabout on Babylon 5. Bonus points for it doubling as a Rousing Speech.
- In "Rising Star," Psi Cop Bester starts delivering threats to Sheridan. Sheridan turns around and delivers the trope to him by calling him out as a Manipulative Bastard, Smug Snake, and a Jerkass. He ends by jerking Bester's chain a little and finally getting him to show some fear and anxiety before telling him he's not that kind of person.
- The season three opener of Ashes to Ashes has Gene Hunt receiving one of these from Jim Keats.
Keats: You think you're so special. So clever. So needed. So damned right. You fooled everyone into believing in you. And I have the horrible, unpopular job of showing the world what you really are. The things you've done? Oh, they won't want to believe it. Because they love you. They think they know you, and they'll hate me for it. But in the end, they will see. As sad as it will be for them, they will see. I know what you did, three years ago. I know.
Gene: So you're gonna bring me down? Why're you telling me that?
Keats: See, that's what's ironic. You can't leave here, no matter what happens. This place defines you, which means you're going to have to sit here and watch me close your little kingdom forever. And you're left with a scrap heap. I just hope I can help Alex before it's too late.
- In an episode of The League of Gentlemen Ross gives one to Pauline thinly disguised as a Reason You Can't Have This Job Speech during a mock interview:
You strike me as a bully; you're ill-mannered, ignorant and foul mouthed. You're not qualified for this job. And apart from anything else - you're too old. Miss.
- Occurs every now and then on Rescue Me. Most of them are directed at protagonist Tommy Gavin, given by his angered wife, extended family, firehouse brothers, and even the dead.
- In The Outer Limits (1995) episode "Heart's Desire", an alien arrives in the Wild West and gives four outlaws superpowers. Naturally, all but one get themselves killed due to fighting amongst themselves, though the survivor was more moral and level-headed than the others, and only fought in self-defense. The alien tells the survivor that Humans Are the Real Monsters and takes away his powers before disappearing:
The fate of a world isn't determined by its best examples, but by its worst. It takes a few to destroy the many, especially when even the best of you can be dragged down into the mire. Judging from your example, brother against brother, friend against friend, you people have such a potential for violence, sheer, unvarnished wickedness, I've got every confidence you'll destroy yourself before you build your first inter-stellar engine. We've got nothing to fear from you.
- Mad Men:
- Roger Sterling puts down Pete Campell in a rather epic way.
"I want you to be very clear about this: You were fired. I wanted you out. Cooper wanted you out. And you would be, if it weren't for this man. [motions to Don] He thought you deserved another chance. That's right. He fought for you. You are here because of Don Draper's largess. Now, I know that your generation went to college instead of serving, so I'll illuminate you. This man is your commanding officer. You live and die in his shadow. Understood?"
- What makes this speech all the better is that Roger is lying through his teeth. In fact, he was the one who had to explain to Draper that Campbell has Ultimate Job Security due to his family connections, but the key to managing Campbell is to make sure he never realizes it.
- Joan has a truly epic one at the end of "Mystery Date" in which she finally tells her husband off for raping her — three seasons after it happened.
You're not a good man. You never were, even before we were married. And you know what I'm talking about.
- She has quite possibly an even better one against Don Draper in season six:
"Honestly, Don, if I could deal with him, you could deal with him. And what now? I went through all of that for nothing? Just once, I would like to hear you use the word 'we.' Because we're all rooting for you from the sidelines, hoping you will decide whatever you think is right for our lives!"
- Megan to Don in "New Business" while divorcing him:
Megan: I'm going to say a word. Wasn't going to give you a satisfaction of knowing you ruined my life.
Megan: Why did I ever believe you? Why did I believe the things you said to me? Why am I being punished for being young? I gave up everything for you. Because I believed you and you're nothing but a liar. An aging, sloppy, selfish liar.
- That '70s Show. Kitty bashed Laurie with a very simple sentence: "You're a brat, you're goofing off in college and you're mean to your brother". Then there was the time Eric chewed out two jocks who complained that the beer keg at Eric's party had a broken tap...which was broken because they had broken it a few minutes ago. And the time when Eric called out Red. "You know how you always tell me to be a man? Well, BE A MAN!"
- In the How I Met Your Mother episode "The Goat" in Season 3, Ted gives one to Barney after he sleeps with Robin (who was his girlfriend in Season 2):
You think that this is just about Robin? This is about... You know, I've seen you do some bad stuff. I mean, some really terrible stuff to a lot of different people. I just always thought there had to be a limit. I always thought I
was the limit. You're always spouting off these rules for bros. Isn't one of them, "don't do this"? Barney:
Yeah. And I broke it. I'm sorry. But, Ted...seriously, this suite at the Bellagio... Ted:
I am not going to Vegas with you! I'm not going to blow off my friends and my girlfriend, and spend my 30th birthday in a strip club. The fact that you think I would... (Beat
) You know, Barney, earlier this week, I started putting things in a box, and that box was labeled "stuff I have no use for anymore." Barney:
What does that mean? Ted:
It means...maybe you belong in that box. Barney:
Are you saying you don't want to be bros anymore? Ted:
I'm saying I don't want to be friends anymore.
- Marshall also delivered a scathing one to Barney a couple episodes earlier. After calling his mom a slut, telling him that he's in denial about his brother being actually his half-brother, and informing him that he doesn't look as good in suits as he thinks he does:
Bob Barker's not your father! You've concocted this delusional idea that a game show host is your real father, and he's not! You were abandoned, Barney! You were abandoned, and you never dealt with it, and so now you never allow yourself to feel anything, and that's how you survive in this corporate world, and if I keep heading down this path, I'm gonna turn into you!
- Somewhat averted in that it's a psychological exercise Barney set up himself, and he's nodding and grinning and urging Marshall on the whole time — although that thing about the suits does seem to shake him for a second.
- Ted gave the other four a truly epic one in "False Positive" after they all decided to make mature, life-changing decisions, then blew them off in favor of cowardly or selfish choices instead:
Ted: Are you kidding me?!? [to Marshall and Lily] All you ever talk about is having kids, and now you have one little freakout, you want to get a dog instead? No, unacceptable! You're gonna turn around, go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until Lily is great with child! Right now! I'M SERIOUS, GO GO GO! [to Barney] And YOU! Barney, you look real stupid in that suit. You're gonna get your money back and give it to charity - and I don't mean that stripper you keep emailing us about even though we begged you to take us off that list. [to Robin] And YOU, you did not move to the greatest city on Earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. (takes out coin) So, here's how it goes - Heads, you take the job at Worldwide News. Tails, you take the job at Worldwide News. (flips coin into Robin's face) Hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!
(everyone flees in terror, Ted's phone rings)
Punchy (on the phone): Ted I can't get married!
Ted: YES YOU CAN YOU LOVE HER!
Punchy: You're right I do, thanks Ted!
- After 56 days of Marshall's depression over Lily leaving him, Ted gives him one why he can't go and beg her to take him back.
Ted: BECAUSE YOU'RE PATHETIC! I'm sorry. But right now, you are NOT Marshall. You are the miserable, whining, shampoo-sniffing ghost of Marshall and frankly, a guy like you doesn't have a shot in hell with a girl like Lily. You know who might have a shot somewhere down the line? Marshall. The REAL Marshall. But if you go down there now like this, you'll blow it for him and he's never gonna forgive you. Of course, whatever I say, you just will do the opposite so, have a great weekend! Good luck screwing up your life.
- On Late Night With David Letterman, Letterman has had enough of comic-book writer Harvey Pekar repeatedly appearing on his show with the intention of promoting his work, only for him to be rude and attack his sponsors and engage in confrontational rants on national television. Letterman ridicules him ("I'm praying for a terrorist") and talks over Pekar. When his guest wouldn't budge, he finally bans him from the show.
Harvey: Don't worry, Dave. I won't be coming back unless you really ask me. (continually interjects from then on)
David: You're not coming back at all, Harvey, because we've given you many, many chances to come on this show and talk about things we thought would be of general interest to people, and also, to promote your little Mickey Mouse magazine here, your little newsletter, your clubhouse-rainy-day-fun-for-boys-and-girls, your Weekly Reader deal here
, and you've blown every single chance you had, Harvey, every single chance! You're not coming back! You're a dork, Harvey. Relax!
- Oh, 90% of Sue Sylvester's dialogue. The one she gives her mother in episode 2x08 is particularly epic and scathing, though.
- In "Original Song", Rachel thinks that this is what Quinn is giving her regarding their Love Triangle with Finn, although, listening to the speech itself, it is painfully clear that Quinn has in fact realized what tiny people she and Finn are going to be in comparison to Rachel.
Quinn: Do you want to know how this story plays out? I get Finn, you get heart-broken. And then Finn and I stay here and start a family. I'll become a successful real estate agent, and Finn will take over Kurt's dad's tire shop. You don't belong here Rachel, and you can't hate me for helping to send you on your way.
Quinn: Yes it is! You are so frustrating! And that is why you can't write a good song; because you live in this little school girl fantasy of life. Rachel, if you keep looking for that happy ending, then you are never going to get it right!
- Emma finally standing up for herself, and verbally bitch-slapping Schuester in front of the entire staff.
Will: Emma, can I talk to you in private?
Emma: No, you can't. Will, we're going to talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun, it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.
Will: How did you find out about that?
Emma: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure out things on your own, I really thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I'm finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you.
- In "I Am Unicorn", Will finally puts Quinn in her place when she tries to blame Glee Club for "ruining" her life:
Will: You're not a little girl anymore, Quinn. How long are you planning on playing the victim card? Since day one, you've done nothing but sabotage the same Glee club that's been there for you over and over again! When you got pregnant, when your parents kicked you out... You know, Mercedes even let you live in her house! And I don't recall ever hearing so much as a 'thank you'. Tonight, you're a train wreck. Well, congratulations. But you stride into my office and tell me it's MY fault? Well, then I have something to say to you... Grow up.
- Kurt standing up to Karofsky in "Never Been Kissed"
Kurt: You going to hit me? Do it.
Karofsky: Do not push me.
Kurt: Hit me, because it's not going to change who I am. You can't punch the gay out of me any more than I can punch the ignoramus out of you!
Karofsky: Get out of my face!
Kurt: You are nothing but a scared little boy who can't handle how extraordinarily ordinary you are!
- "Mash-Off" has four speeches - one from Santana to Finn, calling him a fat, untalented failure. Finn then shoots right back, calling her a self-hating bitch. Later, Shelby then chews out Quinn for her psychotic behavior in trying to get her baby back, and Quinn calls Shelby a whore.
- "Kissed a Girl" was chock full of them! Puck has one to Quinn, after she invites him over to "not watch a movie." He calls her out, saying, paraphrased:
Puck: I used to be really into you, I thought you were hot, and like, the coolest girl in the entire school. But now, I see otherwise. You're not as hot, you might just be the most selfish person I've ever met, and you're kinda nuts.
- He has another one, to Shelby, calling her out for being to scared to start a relationship with him. Granted, she's a teacher, and he's a student, but it still counts.
- In a truly epic example, the entire femme population of the Glee Club and the Trouble Tones call out this guy who's hitting on Santana in the hopes of "straightening her out" and then proceed to jump into Katy Perry's "I Kissed A Girl."
- YMMV on the above example- considering the context of the femme population defending a villainous, bitchy character like Santana simply for being lesbian (Especially considering one, they already knew about it and never made a big deal of it prior, and two, that in the previous episode, she beat someone until they bled for fun.) this may come off as a Dethroning Moment of Suck instead.
- Kurt, Holly Holliday and Cassandra July all hand Rachel short but beautifully formed examples of this at different points in attempts to impress on her that no amount of talent (assumed or real) will make people put up with her rude, arrogant and conceited behavior. Cassie actually does it within five minutes of first encountering Rachel and her 'I'm better than the teacher' eyeroll, which is both perceptive and expedient.
- In "The Quarterback", Santana gives one to Sue Sylvester, calling her out on all the torture she's put them through for the last 3 years and how rude she's been. Needless to say, it was pretty effective.
- In "Love the Way You Lie", Kurt tells Brittany and Santana they're too young to get married. Later, Santana spends over a minute ripping Kurt a new one, tells him not to project his own relationship failures onto her, and then walks off under a sign saying "Get your crap together".
- In the Farscape episode "Durka Returns," Rygel finally manages to deliver one of these to his old torturer.
Rygel: Durka, you are pathetic. Look at you: salivating at the chance to maim and kill someone who can't even defend herself. Foaming at the mouth like a sick trelkez. Pathetic.
Durka: Why Rygel, what's this?
Rygel: Something I should have said to you a long time ago.
Durka: Yet you didn't. I was going to save you for a bargaining tool. But now I'm wondering... do you think your shipmates would really care if I just burnt your face right off?
Go ahead and find out- I don't care... because the all-powerful Durka is a failure.
It's the truth,
Durka! You tortured me without mercy, but you never broke me! You only made me stronger! And even if you kill me, I'll be laughing at you because the last thing I'll think of is you on Nebari Prime for another 100 cycles, being ground back down into nothing!
- Scott delivers a minor one to Shifter in Power Rangers RPM just before destroying him.
Scott: You thought you could escape, but I tracked you down. All your Attack Bots failed, and then your Hyper Bot was destroyed. Then you tried to control me, and even that didn't work! This is the end of the line for you, Shifter.
- Earlier in RPM ("Doctor K"), Tenaya 7 says this to Dr. K, hiding away in her lab, causing the normally emotionless scientist to angrily fire her sound cannon:
- Before RPM, there was one in the first episode of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers second season from Lord Zedd to Rita Repulsa:
Rita Repulsa: Oh, Lord Zedd, give me another chance! I will not fail again!
Lord Zedd: QUIET! Those Power Rangers were nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself the Empress of Evil? You are not fit to destroy a cockroach!
- The soundtrack/Rock Adventure distills this somewhat, but it's no less awesome (especially since it's done during Zedd's Leitmotif:
Rita Repulsa: I will not fail again!
Lord Zedd: QUIET! Those Power Rangers were nothing but mere infants! You were defeated by children! You dare call yourself the Empress of Evil? You have made me very angry! Your days of control are over! There will be no other chances!
Rita Repulsa: Can't we talk?!
Lord Zedd: SILENCE!' I have spoken.
- Oz: Wilson Loewen to Vern Schillinger.
Loewen: Oh, yeah, is that right, huh? Well, from what I hear, the Aryans in Oswald are a sorry bunch. That guy who saved me from choking, Beecher. I hear you've been trying to airhole him for about six fucking years and all you have to show for it is that little scar above your eye there.
Schillinger: I did have his son killed. And his father.
Loewen: What are you, an idiot? Saying shit like that out loud? You know, Vernie, I've got to tell you I never thought you were the brightest bulb in the chandelier. You always had this huge ego with nothing to back it up. You always had these big plans with no balls behind them. Shit. If it weren't for your daddy, I wouldn't have given you the time of fucking day. You're an embarrassment to the brotherhood.
- Beecher and Schillinger get at least two a season.
- Hill gives a big one to Burr Redding: "Bullshit! The fact of the matter is, I wouldn't be in Oz, I wouldn't be in this chair, if you had only let me have the fucking paper route!"
- On All My Children, Janet Green, fed up with the way the people of Pine Valley have been treating her ever since her release from prison, starts off one of these with "You self-righteous, sanctimonious bunch of HYPOCRITES!", then proceeds to truthfully point out that nearly every single one of them has done something despicable, yet they have all been forgiven and are now pillars of the community, all the while showing little to no remorse for their actions nor making efforts at making amends to the people they hurt, whereas she has been bending over backwards trying to redeem herself only to be consistently treated like dirt.
- In the Noah's Arc movie, Brandon gives a short but effective one to Ricky regarding his promiscuity.
- The West Wing:
- President Bartlet walks in for his first appearance. He tells a group of affronted Christians that they're not getting anything from him until they stand up to the vile extremists within their ranks.
- Also, Cliff Calley gives a great one to a Republican congressman who wants to force Leo to admit that he fell off the wagon during the first Bartlet campaign in order to humiliate him during the hearings in "Bartlet for America."
Cliff: This is bush league. This is why good people hate us, this, right here, this thing... And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this committee and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman, because you are killing the party.
- Toby gives a lot of these, most notably in 17 People, when he finds out about Bartlet's MS.
- Sam gives another great one when he fires the jerkass staffers who send Republican counsel Ainsley Hayes (who had previously humiliated Sam) a bouquet of dead flowers with a placard that says "bitch."
Sam: You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name. *pulls their desk calendar out* Do you have any idea how big a harassment suit you just exposed us to? She just- she works here. Which is more than I can say to either one of you. *writes on the calendar* You're fired. S. Seaborn.
- Donna gives a speech to Josh and Toby in "20 Hours in America", telling them essentially that they've been jackasses to people all day and that they don't understand what's important to Americans.
- The Office:
- Stanley gives Michael one in "Did I Stutter?" This causes Michael to stop trying to be Stanley's friend, put his foot down, and demand the respect owed to him as Stanley's boss.
- When Michael has the entire office "Roast" him, each worker gives a brief Reason You Suck Speech to Michael. But unlike a real Roast, there is no implication that they are joking nor do they end it by saying anything endearing in the end. Dwight even tries to stop them in the middle of the Roast but later slams Michael after he calls him an idiot.
Are you calling me an idiot? Don't you dare talk to me that way you pathetic sad little man; you don't have any friends, or any family, or any land!
- In the episode "Football, Feminism and You" Jeff delivers a really nasty one to Annie after she discovers his role in persuading Troy to rejoin the football team.
- Then there was the collective emotional turmoil the study group went through and then delivered at Starburns's funeral.
- Jeff gets one from Professor Whitman early in the first season.
- Recurring character Todd gives one to the entire study group, citing their cliquiness, their unhealthy codependency and their ability to turn the smallest disagreements into shouting matches.
- Chang get's one as a back-handed compliment/promotion. The group considers whether to add Rich, whom Jeff met/hates at pottery class or Chang, to the group. Jeff roots for Chang, who he says smells like Band-aids, is a terrible person, emphasizes words at random, and makes bad puns.
- And of course, there's Troy's smackdown of Britta in "Biology 101".
Troy: You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.
- Jeff tries to give one of these to The Black Rider, but it reveals nothing but his own insecurities. At no point has the Rider made any kind of reference to his own or anyone else's handsomeness, people have just commented on it in front of Jeff. So he goes with:
Jeff: You think you're good looking but you're not. You're average. You're just an average looking guy with a big chin.
- Jeff gives one to Pierce's father over his terrible parenting, which brings on a fatal heart attack. Then Pierce gives his father one as a eulogy.
- Frankie hilariously gives one to Dean Pelton while trying desperately hard not to in Advanced Safety Features.
Frankie: Are you—? I don't know how to...I have a rule about being constructive, so I can't ask any questions right now because all the questions I have right now are rhetorical and they end with the word "idiot." Do you know what a rehtorical—of course you don't know what that is because you're an idiot. *gasp* I'm sorry! I am so sorry! But you're so stupid! And you have no idea! And you're the only one who has no idea because guess why? *Dean opens his mouth* Don't answer that! You'll get it wrong. Oh, so dumb. You're just a dumb little man who tries to destroy this school every minute. I AM SORRY! I'm so sorry! *Dean breaks down into tears and hugs her* Oh! Oh it's okay! I mean it's not okay, but shhhhh....Oh...so stupid...Oh shhhh...Such a dummy...
- Sharpe's Waterloo: The Prince of Orange is a snivelling brat and an incompetent military leader who has caused the deaths of many, many of his own men. One of his immediate subordinates has finally had enough:
Doggett: You did it again! Colonel Sharpe said you would do it again, and you did! All those men dead because you wanted to get out? You coward!
Rebecque: Doggett! His Royal Highness cannot be called a coward.
Doggett: No, dammit. No, not cowardice, not that. Just so he can dance and prance, and make high cockalorum, while men die? Horribly? It is too much, I declare, too much! I shall say it! [hesitates, then plunges on] You sir, are a silk stocking full of shit! [rides away]
- The best one in the entire series is in Sharpe's Eagle:
: Major Lennox answered with his LIFE
sir! As you should
have done if you had any sense of honor! You shamed us sir! You disgraced us sir! You
will answer. By God you will answer
! The South Essex is stood down in name. If I wipe the name I may wipe the shame. I am making you a battalion of detachments, you will fetch and carry. The Light Company put up a fight, so I will let it stand under a new captain.
Simmerson: To be commanded by the newly gazetted Captain Gibbons, sir?
Wellesley: To be commanded by the newly gazetted Captain Sharpe, sir.
- True Blood, Season 3, "Everything is Broken" Big Bad Russell Edgington lays a "The Reason You Suck" Speech smackdown on Humanity at large on live TV. Certainly a Crowning Moment of Awesome for him. Behold:
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Russell Edgington and I have been a vampire for nearly three-thousand years. Now, the American Vampire League wishes to perpetuate the idea that we are just like you. I suppose in a few small ways we are. We're narcissists. We care only about getting what we want no matter what the cost just like you. Global warming, perpetual war, toxic waste, child labor, torture, genocide, That's a small price to pay for your SUVs and your flat screen TVs, your blood diamonds, your designer jeans, your absurd garish McMansions! Futile symbols of pertinence to quell your quivering, spineless souls. But no, in the end we are nothing like you. We are immortal. Because we drink the true blood. Blood that is living, organic and human. And that is the truth the AVL wishes to conceal from you because let's face it eating people is a tough sale these days so they put on their friendly faces to pass their beloved VRA but make no mistake. Mine is the true face of vampire! Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you after we eat your children. Now time for the weather. Tiffany?
- The Wire:
- Detective Moreland (aka The Bunk) gives one of these to Omar, largely because of Do Not Do This Cool Thing. Omar may be perhaps the most badass character in Baltimore, but his actions have consequences.
- McNulty gets at least three before the series concludes due to his self-destructive behavior.
- McNulty himself also delivers one to Brianna Barksdale, D'Angelo's mother for convincing her son that the right thing to do was to stay loyal to their violent, drug-dealing organization, in spite of being a father himself and having a twenty year sentence hanging over his head. This would in turn lead to that same violent, drug-dealing organization to decide that D'Angelo was too much of a loose thread and have him killed in spite of his loyalty. The biggest cut into her though is when she asks McNulty why he went to D'Angelo's baby's-mama with this information rather than herself, he replies that he was just trying to find someone that cared about D'Angelo.
- Lester Freamon gives one to McNulty which actually seems to affect him, because it hits his self-image as a good policeman. The context is McNulty focusing on his personal vendetta against Stringer Bell rather than on a more violent drug dealer the Major Crimes Squad needs to take down to ensure its continued survival in the politics-ridden BPD:
Freamon: You even pretending to speak for anyone other than yourself McNulty?
McNulty: I'm speaking for the job.
- Tyres, the drug-addled Cloud Cuckoolander from Spaced rants at both Tim and Daisy about their personality flaws and general fecklessness. Of course, his mood swings are too frequent for him to stay mad.
- The Killing: Sarah Linden gets called out more than once on her being a terrible mother, and in season 3 she calls out an even worse mother than her, Danette Leeds, while also being called out by the wife of her partner on the original investigation for the affair she had with him. She also swiftly and scathingly calls out Holder's new partner on his laziness and obnoxious behavior.
- iCarly: In iDate Sam & Freddie, Carly is being dragged along to Sam and Freddie's dates to try and prevent them from fighting. She spends the entire episode watching Sam and Freddie bickering, fighting and making her fix their problems. At the end of the episode after they start another fight on a date at a fancy restaurant, Carly snaps. She delivers a "frustrated speech" version of this trope to Sam and Freddie about how they shouldn't be dating at all.
- Nicola Murray's first day in The Thick of It starts going downhill when she finds herself on the recieving end of one of these speeches from Malcolm Tucker — specifically, when he learns that she's supporting the improvement of state schools while sending her daughter to a private school.
Jesus H Fucking Corbett.
Do you honestly think- do you honestly believe that, as a minister, you can get away with that? You are saying that all your local state schools, all
the schools that this government has drastically improved are knife-addled rapesheds
and that's not a big story? For fuck's sake! Sort it, or abort it.
Malcolm: Of course it fucking does; as per the wee barcode and the serial number under your right armpit, you are now built and owned by the state, and you are under the spotlight twenty-four hours a day, darling. You know what you are? You're a fucking human dartboard, and Eric fucking Bristow's on the orchie, flingin' a million darts made of human shit right at you: can you take that? CAN YOU?
Nicola: Okay, look, you- the all-swearing eye- you didn't even know how many kids I had, you had to ask me! So who on earth in the press is going to even know or care?
Do you remember The Big Breakfast?
Do you remember that program? You remember how Chris Evans started that, you know how that was a big success? And then they had that guy, Johnny Vaughan, you remember him? Everybody loved him- fuck knows why, but they loved him. Do you know what this is, here? This
here is series ten of The Big Breakfast
, and you're the fucking dinner lady that they have asked to come and present the show. The reason I didn't know about you and your children is 'cause you were so low down on the list of candidates for this job, I didn't even have the chance to look into you. (Beat
) So low. Waaaaaaaaaay way way way way way way way... low. You
are now being scrutinized for what you wear and what you say: for your hair, your shoes, your fucking earrings, your fucking cleavage, and your dress- which, by the way, is way
Nicola: Too loud?
Yeah, I'm getting fuckin' tinnitus, here. (Beat
) Look, your crooked husband I can make go away... but your crooked husband, combined
with you being worried about your underaged daughter coming home up the duff
from some truanting bastard, I cannot. She goes to the comp.
- An episode later, Nicola fucks up: her department has lost seven months worth of files, nobody has any idea where the backup went, Nicola has succeeded in making herself look like a Soap Box Sadie Granola Girl in a conference with the press, and ultimately ended up revealing the scandal about the lost files to an on-the-record journalist. And naturally, Malcolm lets her have it:
Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm extremely miffed about today's events, and in my quest to try to make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call violent sexual imagery, and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.
Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think, Malcolm-
Malcolm: Enough. E-fucking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fucking cave. Right? Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy, and you ate it with a lump of ecoli, and then you sprayed it out of your arse at three hundred miles per hour.
Nicola: I simply made a mistake-
You got "on the record" and "off the record" fuckin' mixed up! What would have happened if, like, George Martin had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles
, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that, I've had to fuckin' sit next to Paul McCartney at fuckin' Checkers.
Nicola: The data loss wasn't my fault.
Malcolm: Fine, yeah, but I tell you what, it came out fuckin' pretty fast once you were in there, didn't it? Which makes me wonder, should I just go and talk to the boss? Should I go and tell him "I don't think she's up to the job"?
Nicola: You said yourself that if the PM sacks me after a week, it looks like he's fucked up!
Malcolm: Yeah, but that was before, when your biggest problem was a fucking shit pun in a newspaper and a face like Dot Cotton lickin' piss off a nettle!
Nicola: OK, I messed up! Right? I messed up! But I will, from now on, listen to every bit of advice you give me: I'll go on Question Time wearing a push-up bra and a fez, I'll do the Hustings on stilts if that is what you tell me the strategy is, because you know about that stuff, Malcolm, I know that. It's just I've got things I want to do, alright.
- In a later episode, one of the more seriously dramatic ones, someone who is totally unconnected to politics (and is indeed very sympathetic and admirable) has just had his career ruined thanks to Nicola. Notably, even Malcolm feels bad about this, and is trying (not particularly successfully) to be genuinely gentle and nice about it. While Nicola's trying not to break down with guilt, Malcolm tells her that this PR clusterfuck is a war with the Opposition, so she's going to have to fight. She responds with a short, but very accurate, rant about how all this trouble (plus virtually every other thing that's gone wrong in the series,) is the result of people like Malcolm being obsessed with fighting and power, and that this attitude is the reason people despise politics so much. Unfortunately, Malcolm isn't even vaguely impressed; after telling her to "Spare me your psycho-fanny" and telling her a series of lies about how the opposition are mocking her misfortune, he makes her an offer that makes her fling her priciples to the wind and turn the aforementioned PR clusterfuck into a war with the opposition.
- In Series 4, Nicola has ended up becoming Leader of the Opposition between seasons. However, when it turns out that she's about the weakest possible leader the party could have been saddled with, Malcolm orchestrates a scheme to force her out of the job. And as a final insult to injury, when Nicola tries to suck up to the new Opposition Leader, Malcom delivers one last magnificent speech explaining just how little standing she has.
Malcolm: You are not a grandee, you are a fucking "blandee". No-one knew what the fuck you stood for. Political fucking mist! No substance, no weight. You've got all the charm of a rotting teddy bear by a graveside. And by the way, women fucking hate you! I can show you the polling: they think you come across as a jittery mother at a wedding. The best thing you ever did in your flat-lining non-leadership was call for an inquiry, because it will fuck the government and it will fuck you. Now, please, just fuck off back to your home, you headless frump, and prepare for your column in Grazia.
Nicola: Okay... you... well... you just need to know that you have absolutely... fucking done it now, Malcolm, because you are about to find out what it feels like to have me pissing into your tent!
Malcolm: Well, you know what? Your piss will never fuckin' make it into my tent, because by some unforseen Nicola Murray-shaped fiasco- like every fuckin' Nicola-Murray-shaped fiasco I've had to deal with for the last two years- you'll end up blowing your own fuckin' stream into your own fuckin' face! There's your golden handshake!
- Glenn's quitting scene in the final episode comes complete with an epic one that calls out everyone in the Do SAC department:
Glenn Cullen: Come on out everyone! Tally-ho! COME ON, BRING OUT YOUR FUCKING DEAD! Right, everybody listen, I've got an announcement to make! [...] Morally, this department is in the gutter! [...] You, Fergus, when you asked me to join you, all you had was your principles, but over the last two years, you've bent like a human fucking palm tree, swaying to the guff of these six-toed, born-to-rule, pony-fuckers![...] Oh! Adam, you're waiting for your turn! Oh no! I remember, it's your turn right now! You are simply the most loathsome human being I have ever met! You were so well suited at The Mail, it's a shame you came over here! Do you know what, I hate you both! Tweedle-twat and Tweedle-prick! You contribute absolutely nothing to the world so THANK FUCKING GOD YOU HAVE NO POWER! [...] And Peter, it's been dreadful. I hope your cock falls off. Phil, do you know what you are? You're like an eight-year-old trapped in a twelve-year-old's body! [...] And Emma— Emma, I'm sorry, you're just a standard issue, insipid posh bitch. That's it! Terri? I don't think I've ever met someone so proud and yet quite so useless. But I do have to thank you, because I have managed to stay in shape, purely though the energy I spend in pitying you every day! Fuck you all up the wrong 'un! Ta-ta! Bye-bye!
- In the Make It Or Break It episode "Life Or Death," new coach Darby's "let's all be friends" technique - including agreeing to let the girls of The Rock go to see Emily's boyfriend in concert the night before a crucial meet - results in Lauren and Co. getting their asses kicked...
Darby: You know, there is something to be learned from this.
Payson: Yeah - we learned that we need a coach. A real coach. Not a buddy, not a teammate... a real coach.
Darby: Hey, calm down, Payson... what exactly do you mean by "real coach"?
Payson: A real coach isn't afraid to be the bad guy if she has to be. A real coach would've told me not to go for a vault that I have never done without a practice tramp. A real coach would know better than to let me make a fool of myself and my team. And a real coach doesn't take her team out to party the night before a meet just because she wants the whole team to like her. (Darby leaves on the verge of tears)
Lauren: And a real coach would never walk away from a diss like that.
- Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode "Castle of Fu Manchu". Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank send Joel and the Bots a rather BAD movie, causing the Bots to break down by the first host segment, and Joel crying by the third act. Forrester and Frank begin preping for the victory by the end of the movie, when Joel fires back at them.
"You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel so sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others
. Well, we've won because we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime
- Needless to say, Forrester fails.
- Tom Servo gives one to Crow after they read another one of his scripts (teleplay):
Tom: I have a suggestion.
Tom: WHY DON'T YOU SET FIRE TO THIS STINKBURGER AND NEVER PUT PEN TO PAPER UNTIL THE MOUNTAINS CRUMBLE INTO THE SEAS!
- Cicero against Antony in Rome. So effective that Antony full of rage kills the messenger — Watch it here
These being the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero: When I was a young man, I defended the State. As an old man, I shall not abandon it. I give sincere thanks to Mark Antony, who has generously presented me with the most promising theme imaginable. I address you directly, Antony. Please listen as if you... as if you... please listen, as if you were sober and intelligent, and not a drink-sodden, sex-addled wreck. [At this point, others in the room begin to leave.]
You are certainly not without accomplishments: it is a rare man who can boast of becoming a bankrupt before even coming of age. You have brought upon us war, pestilence and destruction. You are Rome's Helen of Troy. But then... but then... [Antony demands he finish.] a woman's role has always suited you best
- Saturday Night Live: Weekend Update has a segment called "Really??" where Seth Meyers and usually a co-host will give a speech to a person or group of people about how stupid they are.
- In the ninth season finale of Knots Landing, Jill gives a very long one of these to her husband's ex-wife Val, citing her perpetual "poor Val" victimhood. She then forces her at gunpoint to take a fatal overdose of sleeping pills after setting up a ridiculously elaborate alibi. (In the next season opener, Val is found and saved Just in Time.)
- On both the British and American editions of Kitchen Nightmares, Gordon Ramsay frequently gives these to the owners and chefs of restaurants he works with, but the most scathing was probably to the eponymous owner of "Sebastian's" on the American edition:
Gordon: I'm forty years of age, and I've gone to a lot of restaurants, but I've never, ever, ever, ever met someone I believe in as little as you.
- He ends up topping this in the sixth season towards "Amy's Baking Company" after watching the hellhole that the place had become, one so out of his reach, he left.
I can't help people that can't help themselves and cannot ever take one ounce of criticism. If you're not willing to change, I'm not going to butt heads, argue, scream... but this is not normal. And it's not normal for a restaurant to go through that many staff, it's not normal for a kitchen that small to have 65 items on the menu, and it's not normal for the level of animosity that you've built inside this restaurant and outside. You have the right to run the business the way you want to run your business. I have the right to do the right thing. And the right thing for me is to get out of here.
- The Big Bang Theory:
- On the second season, Howard went through a state of depression after Penny told him off for hitting on her for the umpteenth time.
Penny:I know you think you’re some sort of smooth-talking ladies’ man, but the truth is, you are just pathetic and creepy.
Howard: Um, so what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable. It’s not sexy to stare at my ass and say, “Ooh, it must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake like that.” And most important, we are not dancing a tango, we’re not to’ing and fro’ing. Nothing is ever going to happen between us. Ever.
Howard: Wait a minute. This isn’t flirting, you’re serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I’m flirting with you? I am not flirting with you, no woman is ever gonna flirt with you, you’re just gonna grow old and die alone.
- Subverted, in that Penny does follow it up later on with a You Are Better Than You Think You Are speech, and Howard subsequently stops pursuing Penny seriously and begins a steady progression of character growth. While he is still a neurotic mess, Howard has developed and matured as a human being more than the rest of the main cast put together.
- Game of Thrones features quite a few of these, some of which are taken from the books, others created exclusively for the TV series:
- Lord Renly Baratheon delivers a fantastic one to his brother King Robert in "A Golden Crown."
Robert: Those were the days!
[[War Is Hell
Which days, exactly? The ones when half of Westeros fought the other half and millions died? Or before that, when the Mad King slaughtered women and babies because the voices in his head told him they deserved it? Or way before that, when dragons burnt whole cities to the ground?
Robert: Easy boy, you might be my brother, but you're speaking to the king.
Renly: I suppose it was all rather heroic, if you were drunk enough and had some poor Riverlands whore to shove your prick inside and "make the eight."]]
- Tyrion delivers one to Cersei when he returns to King's Landing as the acting Hand of the King; here, he gives Cersei an earful for allowing Joffrey to execute Ned Stark and starting a war with the North in the process, and another for letting Arya Stark escape King's Landing, costing them a chance of making peace. For good measure, he snidely returns that it must be odd being a disappointment to the family for a change.
- After flinging insults at Theon for the past two episodes, Balon Greyjoy is finally given a taste of his own medicine when his son retaliates; best of all, it's right after Balon's finished delivering his House's Badass Creed.
Balon: We do not sow. We are Ironborn! We are not subjects, we are not slaves; we do not plow the fields, nor toil in the mine. We take what is ours! Your time with the wolves has made you weak.
You act as if I volunteered to go! You gave me away, if you remember, the day you bent the knee to Robert Baratheon- after he crushed you! Did you "take what was yours
(Balon slaps him across the face and begins marching away)
Theon: You gave me away! Your boy- your last boy- you gave me away like I was a dog you didn't want anymore! And now you curse me, because I've come home!
(Balon hesitates at the door, looking genuinely upset
for a moment, then leaves without another word)
- The Lannister generals are often subjected to these kind of speeches from Tywin Lannister himself as their incompetence starts becoming evident; arguably the harshest (and probably most-deserved) was given to Amory Lorch, who'd ended up sending a critical message to the enemy. After pointing out that his cup-bearer can read better than Lorch, Tywin not only denigrates him as a brainless thug, but threatens to kill him if he ever gives the enemy an advantage again.
- Tywin Lannister is a grand master at this. He always has one on hand for moronic subordinates and has given at least one to each of his children — telling Jaime that his personal glory is ultimately worthless, Cersei that his lack of confidence in her is not because she's a woman, but because she's not as smart as she thinks she is, and Tyrion that he'll never honor any claim he has to Casterly Rock because of his birth circumstances and irresponsible and lecherous behavior.
Tywin: You are an ill-made, spiteful little creature full of envy, lust and low cunning. Men's laws give you the right to bear my name and display my colors, since I cannot prove that you are not mine. And to teach me humility, the gods have condemned me to watch you waddle about, wearing the proud lion that was my father's sigil, and his father's sigil before him. But neither gods nor men will ever compel me to turn Casterly Rock into your whorehouse.
- Lancel Lannister is often the recipient of these; after spending the first season being told that he was named by "some halfwit with a stutter," and that his mother was "a dumb whore with a fat arse," he ends up getting one of these from Tyrion when he discovers that Lancel's been having sex with Cersei- accusing him of earning his knighthood in bed with Cersei, impugning his masculinity for claiming innocence, and blackmailing Lancel into becoming his personal spy.
- In "The Old Gods And The New," Tyrion delivers a vicious one to Joffrey after he tops off a long reign of strenous dog-kicking by ordering the execution of an entire crowd after one of them threw a handful of cowshit at him- causing a riot in the process.
Tyrion: We've had vicious kings and we've had idiot kings, but I don't know if we've ever been cursed with a vicious idiot for a king!
They attacked me!
Joffrey: YOU ARE TALKING TO A KING!
Tyrion: And now I've struck a king! Did my hand fall from my wrist?
- Theon finds himself on the recieving end of one of these speeches once he makes the mistake of accepting the Ironborn lifestyle and betraying the Starks. Here, it's from Theon's sister, Yara; given that Theon's managed to take Winterfell and completely bugger up what good he did in the space of a few days, it's pretty well deserved.
Yara: I saw the bodies above your gate. Which gave you the tougher fight, the cripple or the six year-old?
Theon: I treated the Stark boys with honour, and they repaid me with treachery!
Yara: You treated them with honour... by butchering them?
Theon: Before I had to kill them, I-
Yara: You used their home, as is your right; we're Ironborn, we take what we need. Then you made them prisoners in their home, and they ran away; is that treachery? I'd call it bravery.
Theon: They made me a promise.
Yara: The little boy prisoners made you a promise, and you got mad when they broke it? Are you the dumbest cunt alive?
Theon: Don't call me-
Yara: A cunt. A dumb cunt who killed the only two Starks in Winterfell. You know how valuable those boys were.
Theon: If I hadn't killed them, the Northerners would think me weak.
Yara: You are weak. And you're stupid.
- In season 4, Tyrion delivers another one, this time at Tywin, Cersei, and basically everyone in King's Landing.
Tyrion: I saved you. I saved this city, and all your worthless lives. I should have let Stannis kill you all.
Tywin: Tyrion, do you wish to confess?
Tyrion: Yes, father, I'm guilty. Guilty, is that what you want to hear?
Tywin: Do you admit you poisoned the king?
Tyrion: No, of that I'm innocent. I'm guilty of a far more monstrous crime; I'm guilty of being a dwarf.
Tywin: You are not on trial for being a dwarf.
Tyrion: Oh, yes I am. I've been on trial for that my entire life.
Tywin: Have you nothing to say in your defense?
Tyrion: Nothing but this; I did not do it. I did not kill Joffrey, though I wish I had! Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying whores! I wish I was the monster you think I am! I wish I had enough poison for the whole pack of you! I would gladly give my life to watch you all swallow it!
- Tywin starts in on another of his patented speeches in the fourth season finale, only to have Cersei cut him off, due to some Genre Savvy Lampshade Hanging and say, "I'm not interested in another one of your smug stories about the time you won. This isn't going to be one of those times."
- Cersei gives a nasty one to Tyrion in Season 2:
Cersei: You're funny. You've always been funny. But none of your jokes will match the first one, will they? You remember- when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death.
Tyrion: ...She was my mother, too.
- Margaery gives a short but wonderfully scathing one to Cersei in Season Five.
: Lies come easily to you. Everyone knows that. But innocence, decency, concern...you're not very good at those, I'm afraid. Perhaps that's why your son was so eager to cast you aside for me.Get out, you hateful bitch!
- In the Everybody Loves Raymond episode "Someone's Cranky", Robert is staying with his parents while recuperating from being injured by a runaway bull, and is driving everyone crazy with his crabby attitude. When Debra tries to cheer him up, he snaps at her too and earns a severe dressing-down for his trouble:
Debra: You know what I think? I think you love that bull! I think you were so happy he found you, because he's a two-ton excuse for your life! That's right, you were a victim before that bull, you've been a victim your whole life, because there's nothing easier than playing the victim, is there, Robert?
- The Red Queen, Martha Kent, delivered a scathing one to Tess Mercer towards the end of Season 9. It likely contributed to Tess's Heel-Face Turn in the season finale.
- E-2 Lionel delivers one of these in pieces over every conversation he has with Tess in an attempt to break her and have her submit to doing whatever he wants her to do (namely, betray Clark and the others and deliver Lex's clone Alexander to him). His way of doing this is to methodically hit every single emotional trigger she has, playing on her father issues, her lack of self-worth, and her struggle to do the right thing and ultimately ending by telling her that she's only useful to him because her heart can be used to revive Lex. This one hurts just as bad as- if not worse than -Martha's because if he's being a jackass to her she has to suffer abuse from her own biological father, and in the rare moments that he actually seems impressed by her skills, she has to deal with Your Approval Fills Me with Shame. The woman really can't win.
- In Merlin, Queen Annis gives a devastating one to Morgana, all the more so because it's just a simple sentence: "
- A particularly satisfying one in One Foot in the Grave. When given the job of a doorman, he is made to tend to a couple of unpleasant snobs. After failing to be tend to their whims quick enough, they insult him and sneer at him to show some tact. Victor complies and, after swiping the husband's toupee and throwing it down the drain, gives them the most scaving "apology" possible before driving off in their taxi, leaving them speechless.
Victor: I am very sorry neither of you can manage to master the mechanics of a door handle, it must be very complicated with your limited brainpower! Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out...because if you hadn't chopped it's legs off in the first place it would have climbed out on it's own, but there we are. And do ask me if I want to go on working here where it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day, then I think I'd rather remain unemployed, thank you very much!
- ER specialized in these. Nearly every one of its many characters got to deliver one of these to someone else—in one of its first episodes, Carol gives a blistering one to Doug when he shows up at her place uninvited, unannounced, drunk, and disrupts her evening with her boyfriend, blasting him for how he treated her during their relationship (cheating on her left and right) and for being so stupid as to think she would be so pathetic enough as to take him back. However, the arguable high point is when Dr. Dave Malucci got to deliver an epic one to Kerry Weaver, encapsulating practically everything that nearly everyone on staff had probably wanted to say to her for years:
Dave: "You're a sad, cold-hearted bitch, you know that?"
Kerry: "Somebody call security."
Dave: "You may not like me, but nobody here likes you."
Kerry: "Get out!"
Dave: "You know why this stupid ER is so important to you, lady? You know why? Because it's the only thing you have in your life! Nazi d***!" (rips off ID, throws it in her face, and storms out.)
- Kerry, in fact, delivered one to Malucci shortly before he gave her the above mentioned one, including his stand-offish behavior toward patients and like he doesn't take his job seriously, asking him how he can take himself seriously as a doctor with his attitude.
- Once Upon a Time:
- Belle delivers one to Rumplestiltskin about his cowardice and inability to just let himself be happy. In "Broken" she also calls him out on his habit of playing with words, and with people.
- Regina also gets this twice: once by Emma who tells her that Regina can only blame herself for everyone wanting to leave her, and once by Mary Margaret after Regina frames her for murder, telling her that making other people's lives miserable will only do the same to hers.
- JAG: In "People v. Gunny":
Admiral Chegwidden (to the Maryland states attorney): But we all know that your only intent is to bolster your own campaign for the state’s attorney. You’re nothing but a hypocrite and an opportunist and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna have a bottom feeder like you further your personal ambition trampling the integrity of this office.
Edmund: Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That is why you are dismissed.
- Then a comical example at the end of Season Two, when Lord Blackadder is much more of a Deadpan Snarker:
Blackadder: Oh yes, we are proud of our comic serving wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'zer' instead of 'sir' at social gatherings — the tedious little turd who puts on fancy voices. What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? A brilliant, drunk Glaswegian, no doubt? A hilarious black man — see you Jimmy, where am dat watty mellon? Oh fabulous! I can't wait for your side-splitting puff and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but is such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time — the fart in the German chamber pot standing in front of me.
- Fairly early on in Weeds, Shane delivers one to the entire town;
As I stand before you today, on the brink of Junior High
, here is what i have to say: YOU HAVE FAILED US ALL!
Everything is not okay. We have become alienated, desensitized, angry, and frightened. If we picture Agrestic
as an airplane, a grand, soaring jet, carrying us through the sky, I think you all need to understand there are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!
- In series 3 of Alias Sydney delivers one to Vaughn after she recovers from her kidnapping/brainwashing, only to discover that Vaughn has married someone else.
Don't use rational thought as a defense with me, not after all you and I have seen. Vaughn, you and I live and breathe madness every day on the job. There is no rational thought. I can't pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith. What I was hoping you'd say was, "I gave up on us, I lost faith." But what you came here for was closure, and there is not a chance you are getting that from me. I'm not gonna say I understand. I'm not gonna sympathize with you, and tell you how hard this must be for you. But you wanna know how I am? I am horrible! Vaughn, I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you, but because if it had been me, I would've waited
. I would've found the truth. I wouldn't have given up on you. And now I realize what an absolute waste that would've been.
- Frankie to her sister Janet in "The Name", during the fourth season of The Middle.
- Malcolm Merlyn delivers one to Oliver in Arrow in the first season finale.
Merlyn: You can't beat me, Oliver. Yes, you're younger, you're faster, but you always seem to come up short against me. Want to know why? Because you don't know, in your heart, what you're fighting for. What you're willing to sacrifice. And I do.
- In the season 2 episode "Time of Death," Oliver finally has had enough of Laurel's nonsense after she lashes out at both her family and him when everyone tries to reconcile after Sarah's return and delivers a truly epic speech about her blaming everyone but herself for her problems, including things that were her own fault.
Oliver: I have loved you for half my life. But I'm done running after you.
- Gets a callback in season 3 episode 15, after Laurel finds out Oliver has been lying to her about Sara's killer.
Laurel: It's hard to remember a time, when I was actually in love with you.
- Quentin Lance, after Oliver is arrested for being the Arrow, gives a painfully accurate one on the consequences of vigilantism.
Quentin: You've made liars out of all of us.
- Jon Stewart often delivers these on The Daily Show to people and places that do outrageous things. One of the most scathing was in December 2010 to the Republican Party for constantly co-opting 9/11 imagery to serve their political agenda:
Stewart: Guess what, Republicans? Here's the deal—your "We're-the-only-party-that-understands-9/11-and-its-repercussions" monopoly ends. Now. So...no more co-opting 9/11 imagery to get yourselves elected.note No more using 9/11 as the date when magically all your policies became "right."note No more using 9/11 to micromanage Manhattan's zoning decisions.note No using 9/11 as an excuse for why your Bush tax cuts never stimulated the economy in the first place...note or 9/11 as an excuse to do what you were going to be doing anyway.note No more using 9/11 as a price point.note You know what, Republicans, you use it so much, if you don't owe the 9/11 responders healthcare...at least you owe them royalties!
- The most scathing was when he visited CNN's Crossfire in 2004, personally chewing out hosts Tucker Carlson and Paul Begala. How harsh was it? CNN canceled it a few months later.
- It's well worth seeing Nancy Grace or Bill O'Reilly get smacked with one of these. Best example being Elizabeth Smart who was trying to get a Bill passed for support of Rape Victims and was interviewed by Grace who kept on pestering her wanting details about what she had experienced with Elizabeth getting more agitated as she won't drop the subject. Finally she has enough and tells her that she's not here to give her details about what she went through and the purpose of her interview is to let people know about The Bill and she's not here to be a ratings ploy for Grace's show.
- The program Made In Canada ends with a good one in which long-time Yes-Man Victor finally tells idiot CEO Alan Roy what he really thinks about having to slave away saving an oblivious idiot from himself.
Alan: you're out! Alan:
... what did you just say!? Victor:
You're out! [...] Alan:
I'm sorry, what?? Victor:
Ah, c'mon, big guy, I'm a 42-year-old man who has no family because I have spent my entire working life
saving your ass! I've been the fall guy for the last time, Alan, and it - is - OVER! YOU are an IDIOT! Now take your eleven million dollars, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR-
- A few in Friends, but the best one was Hugh Laurie's one to Rachel in 'The One With Ross' Wedding'.
- Throughout The Nanny, C.C. Babcock is unable to get that Maxwell Sheffield, her business partner, isn't romantically interested in her. Even in the last season, as Maxwell is married to Fran Fine and Fran is pregnant, she still tries to get him. Niles get so annoyed with her stubbornness that he threatens to quit, but before that, he delivers a devastating speech to C.C. that holds back nothing.
C.C.: You are a pathetic excuse for a man.
But at least I know when to move on. You are going to spend the rest of your life pining for a man who doesn't love you, and has married a woman half your age.
Fran: Oh, Niles, please don't go!
Niles: Look around you. They're married. They're starting a family. Where are you going to be ten, twenty years from now? You're going to be saying 'Merry Christmas!' to your friends in rehab and wondering what might have been! (to Maxwell) I'll be leaving first thing in the morning, sir.
C.C.: My god, he's right... The best years of my life are gone... and they sucked.
- Veronica Mars: Veronica gets one at Duncan with just one sentence: "You. Stand. Idly. By." On the surface, she's just saying that while he may not have been behind that mudslinging campaign against his principal opponent in the race for student council president, he allowed it to happen, but the subtext is that she's really letting him have it for standing by and doing nothing while all his friends trashed her reputation.
- Jeff tried to give one of these to Russell Hantz during the reunion of Survivor: Heroes vs Villains, by telling him that amazingly enough, if you backstab, lie to and generally do your best to piss off the jury, they won't be so wowed by your strategy that they'll vote for you anyway. Unfortunately, Russell was so obsessed with the idea that he should have won that he refused to even consider the idea:
Jeff: Russell, stop. Hang on. Take a deep breath with me. Are you aware during the game, like when you get in an argument with Rupert, that that's vicious, that you're probably not going to get his vote? When you betray Jerri? Probably not gonna get her vote. Are you thinking of that? Or do you think, 'Well, that's two votes but I've got others'? Are you aware of the jury? This is a fundamental question. Do you think about the fact that the social game is something you're missing?
- Nashville's Juliette Barnes is the recipient of several such speeches, but in "It's All Wrong, But It's All Right," her refusal to be penitent over the "There is no God" scandal (not least since her words were out of context) results in Edgehill Records executive Jeff calling her behaviour "just plain stupid" and firing her. Juliette's response is the point where "The Reason You Suck" Speech meets Take That with a hefty dose of Crowning Moment of Awesome:
Juliette: Just for the record, "just plain stupid" is losing two of your top-grossing artists in less than six months on the job. Not to mention pinning all your hopes and dreams on a karaoke singer who came in second place at a talent show. I may have just burnt the house down but I made damn sure you were in it when I lit the match. I'll see you on the unemployment line. (P.S. Jeff's bad business decisions do indeed result in his getting fired in season three.)
- 100 Deeds For Eddie McDowd, in the pilot.
The Drifter: I turned you into a dog. Didn't you listened to my poem?
Eddie: This can't be happening!
The Drifter: It's already happened. You are a dog now. Stay a dog until you do 100 good deeds, and the only person who can hear you speak is the last kid you terrorized. Ironic?
Eddie: I don't know what's happening, but you win! I give! Game over!
The Drifter: Eddie, you failed as a human. This is your chance to change.
Eddie: But I don't wanna change! I like me.
The Drifter: Yeah, well. No one else does.
- Drake & Josh has the second titular character giving this one to the first titular character for always getting away with everything.
Josh: We spent like a hundred hours on that dune buggy trying to fix it up and you ruined it! And you're hurt! But all you can think about is getting away with it. "Ooh I'm Drake! I'm so cool I get away with everything!" Fine. I'll just stay grounded and I'll fix the dune buggy, again, and you just keep worryin' about yourself. It's what you're best at.
- On Pramface Laura gives an epic one to Francesca, a snooty friend of Danielle's.
- On Real Time with Bill Maher, some of Bill's New Rules take this form, with varying degrees of humor.
- Matt Dillahunty of The Atheist Experience has given many of these on the subject of Abusive Parents who pray instead of getting their kids medical treatment.
- In the US version of Shameless, Fiona gives a rather brutal one to her mother, Monica, for not only abandoning the family, but then showing up to take the youngest kid, Liam, away so that she can raise him herself.
Fiona: You don't get to abandon your kids and then show up one day to take your pick of the litter!
Frank: -standing up- Oh, now, that's not fair! Your mother's made mistakes, but she's here now. That's got to count for something!
: SHUT UP, FRANK! -Frank sits back down- This isn't about you! -looks at Monica- This is about YOU! This is about what you didn't do!
It's about what I did
! And you know what? I did a fuckin' GREAT job! Debbie's class president! She's on the debate team going to nationals! And Lip? He's top of his class! He set the curve! Ian was promoted at ROTC, and he tested out of English! And Carl made something BLOW UP for his science fair! And you know what? THEY did it all, no thanks to you, because YOU! WEREN'T! HERE!
Monica: And...I appreciate that, Fiona, but...I'm here now. And...Liam belongs with me.
Fiona: He doesn't even know who you ARE!
Monica: I'm his mother!
Fiona: -starting to cry- YOU'RE MY MOTHER, TOO!
- Also Mickey, caught in The Baby Trap and forced into an Arranged Marriage with Svetlana, a prostitute his father Terry brought in to "fuck the queer out of" him after catching Mickey and his boyfriend Ian having sex. Svetlana refuses to accept that Mickey's homosexuality is unchangeable and constantly tries to blackmail him into becoming a real husband to her by threatening to tell his father that he is still seeing Ian. Finally fed up, Mickey delivers possibly the most literal example of a Reason You Suck speech ever!
Mickey: "You know, your life right here, right now, is as good as it's ever gonna get. You gotta get plowed all day, yeah. But you come home to a roof over your head and food in your fucking belly. Five years from now you're going to be a used up, dried up old whore, sucking guys off on the sidewalk for $5 a pop. I wouldn't fuck this up if I were you."
- House of Anubis has a few, most courtesy of the sinners.
- Sinner!Fabian delivered two of them, to Joy and Alfie respectively. To Joy, he had whispered to her that nobody liked her, and she should just shut up and be glad anyone was stupid enough to date her...this was when she had come to him seeking out comfort after her recent heartbreak. To Alfie, he taunted him for thinking he could stop him and rescue the unknowing KT, and claimed, "You always get it wrong, Alfie. You're the joke of the group. I will always be two steps ahead of you." Then, in a Crowning Moment of Awesome, Alfie ended up fearlessly standing up to him, delivering one very effective line that was enough to get the supposedly uncaring Sinner enraged.
Alfie: What are you going to do, attack me? Yeah, umm, you're not exactly the most sporty person ever. Maybe that's why Nina left you.
- From In The Flesh Jem gets given a devastatingly harsh one by her friend (and the daughter of a zombie she killed) after failing to defend the school from a lone "rabid" zombie. Pointing out that she's paraded as a hero, given a medal for killing her father. Hypocritical for the treatment of zombies, when her brother is a zombie so she gets him back and that she pretends to be badass but is little more than a coward.
- In the Modern Family episode "Arrested", Phil and Claire receive a call in the middle of the night from their daughter Haley, who has just been arrested. They rush over to the college she attends (with lawyer Mitchell in tow), bail her out, and wait for a disciplinary hearing that could result in her getting kicked out of school. Claire is repeatedly frustrated by Haley not taking any responsibility for her mistakes, instead trying to play the victim (since she was just one of many kids drinking and only she got caught, conveniently leaving out that she jumped on a police officer), as well as Phil for not seeming to take the situation seriously, instead just wanting to get her, get breakfast, and go home. But, when Haley seems more concerned with looking pretty for the hearing, Phil blows Claire away by giving Haley what was likely the first real scolding he's given her in her whole life:
Phil: "Just stop... just stop talking, Haley. You're not the victim here. You're the one who screwed up! You made one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow EVERYTHING your mother and I worked so hard to give you! And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. We all got up at 3 o'clock this morning to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing, and you know what I haven't heard from you yet? 'I'm sorry, Mom.' 'I screwed up, Dad.' 'Please forgive me!' Now put on some real clothes. We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be late! Come on."
- Halt and Catch Fire:
- Joe MacMillan gives one to potential investor LouLu Rutherford after she makes an insulting offer for an 80% stake in Cardiff Electric's PC division. However, it does not deter Cardiff Senior VP John Bosworth from accepting the offer. When the RYSS didn't work, Joe still manages to sink the deal by making out with Loulu's boyfriend.
Joe MacMillan: We're not going to be partners.
LouLu Lutherford: Why is that?
Joe MacMillan: Because you're a bored, poisonous dilettante with time on her hands and no taste. Two things destroy companies Mrs. Lutherford: mediocrity and making it about yourself. I think you make everything about yourself; that's why you rent your friends and repel everyone else.
- When it seems like the Giant will never make it to COMDEX, Gordon Clark tells off Joe when the latter reveals that he's leaving Cardiff Electric to return to IBM. After riling up Joe, Gordon does a 180 and gives a Rousing Speech on why Joe should stay with Cardiff and see his project through.
- Defiance: Being a smug Anti-Hero Cowboy Cop on post-apocalyptic Earth, Joshua Nolan is on the receiving end of these pretty frequently, and sometimes he actually has it coming. One notable one comes from the young E-Rep officer Jessica "Berlin" Rainier, who calls him an overgrown child who's living out his Han Solo fantasies in a wrecked world.
Berlin: You're not trying to paper over your nasty wartime past; we all have that. You're trying to hide the fact that you like where it dumped you out.
- In The Odd Couple, it is not unknown for Oscar to critique others on their flaws.
- Oscar criticizes Felix's perfectionist attitude in one episode, uttering "Felix, the perfect!"
- Oscar also calls out others who make Felix upset. In "The Rent Strike", he calls out the other tenants for trying to drive Felix out while forgetting all the things he's done for them and in "The Subway Story", he scalds the insensitive subway riders and says that Felix is the only person trying to improve the situation.
- On The Secret Circle after a few too many times of Faye pushing her buttons, Cassie lashes out at her.
"You are a bitchy, spoiled little girl who wants to blame me for all your problems instead of looking in the mirror."
- Occurs frequently in Homicide: Life on the Street, as detectives frequently deliver these to suspects as part of their interrogation tactics. One notable example occurs in "The Gas Man", a rare Villain Protagonist episode starring Bruno Kirby as Victor, a former gas man who was arrested by Pembleton for negligent homicide after an incorrectly-installed gas heater killed a family, and is targeting him for revenge. The episode involves him stalking Pembleton and plotting revenge, but his accomplice Danny — who comes to respect Pembleton after watching him in his daily routine — eventually has enough and delivers a veiled one to Victor about his inability to take responsibility for his actions.
Danny: We've been following Frank Pembleton. And what do we see? Frank slaving away at the office. Frank at the morgue. Frank interviewing the gypsy's neighbours. Frank buying flowers for his wife. Frank humiliating himself so that they can have babies. Frank Pembleton takes responsibility for himself, for his family. Hell, he even takes responsibility for dead people. It's about time I started taking responsibility for my own life. I'm not going with you, Victor.
- In Justified, Boyd is on the receiving end of two powerful reason-you-suck speeches. In season 5, Raylan reminds Boyd that countless people are dead or incarcerated because they believed his lies. In season 6, Markahm likens Boyd to a child playing "pretend", reminding Boyd that despite all his efforts, he's only a small player in the crime world.
- On The 100 former-President Dante Wallace delivers one of these to his son (and usurper) Cage Wallace.
"You've killed us. One week in office, and you've managed to turn neighbor against neighbor, you've made the outsiders hate us more than they already did, you lost our outer defenses, and now a door that hasn't been breached in 97 years is going to fall, and an army of savages is going to flood these halls, killing every last one of us."
- In Veep episode "Andrew", Ed gives a brief but harsh one to Jonah:
"Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks."
- In "Convention," Amy delivers an absolutely blistering one to first Selina's useless new adviser, Karen, and then Selina herself:
Amy: "Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'cause it's working! 'I think that each candidate has merits and demerits and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!' It's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent. You have none! You're just a Blah-Blah-Blah-Blah-Bitch!"
Selina: "Okay, Amy, that is enough."
Amy: "I have bitten my tongue so long it looks like a dog's cushion, but no more! You have made it impossible to do this job! You have two settings; No Decision and Bad Decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the coast guard and fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America! You are the worst thing to happen to this country since food in buckets, and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone."
Selina (as Amy is walking out of the room): "Well, I guess she's finished with her little — oh, nope, look at that, there's more."
Amy: "You have achieved nothing —"
Amy: "— apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women Presidents. Because we tried one, and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am."
- In Sex and the City, in a rare example of one of the main characters being called out for their selfish behavior, Natasha gives one of these to Carrie after catching her in her affair with Big:
Carrie: I never meant for any of this to happen. If there was something I could do to take it away, I would. But I can't. I came here today because I needed to say how sorry I am. I am deeply sorry for what I did to you. It was wrong. I'm sorry.
Carrie: Yes. Thank you for listening.
Natasha: Wait. I'm sorry, too.
Carrie: You are?
- Carrie gets this a lot when it comes to her relationship with Big. Miranda gives her a blistering one in the later Seasons:
Miranda: Wake up, Carrie, how many more times are you going to go through this?! He is bad for you! God, every time you get near him, you turn into this pathetic, needy, insecure victim, and what pisses me off the most? You're more than willing to go right back for more!
- Person of Interest: In the first episode of season 3, Root gives one to her psychiatrist, laying his every sin and folly bare with information provided to her by the Machine—and then calmly explains that he needs to give Root her phone back, because the Machine is trying to get her to not kill him. Next time we see him, he's decided that she's still delusional, and that she used her hacking skills to discover all those things about him... but he still gave her the phone.
- The Madam Secretary has Dr. Henry McCord, the Secretary of State's husband and a theology and ethics professor, appear on a call-in talk show. He gets a caller questioning his credentials on ethics and morality over a sexpic of his daughter turning up on the Internet (because her partner's phone was stolen). Henry promptly rips the guy to shreds on live TV, accusing him of contributing to the moral degradation of American society by trying to First Post on a situation he knows nothing about.