The diamond smuggling episode. Also the 1985 Christmas Special, the first feature-length episode and the second Roy Slater episode. First broadcast on 25 December 1985.
Boycie and Abdul ask Del to smuggle diamonds from Amsterdam. He initially declines, but ultimately agrees when they offer to pay him £15,000 in cash. Del then learns that his old enemy Roy Slater is investigating the diamond-smuggling operation and suspects Boycie and Abdul of organising it, but does not know who their courier is. Del realises that he won't be able to get the diamonds through airport security, and after being inadvertently taken to Hull in Denzil's lorry he decides to get Uncle Albert to take him and Rodney to Amsterdam in a hired boat.
After having to stop at an oil rig to ask for directions, the Trotters arrive in Amsterdam and collect the diamonds; Del spots that the money Boycie gave him to pay for them is fake, but Van Kleefe, the Dutch diamond merchant, does not pick up on this. Meanwhile, back at the police station, Slater deduces that Del is the courier and waits at the airport for the Trotters to arrive. In the event, Albert gets lost on the way back, and the Trotters eventually return to London somewhat later than planned. Nevertheless, all seems to have gone well ... until Slater catches Abdul, Boycie and the Trotters with the money and the diamonds.
However, Slater lets them go, hoping to keep the diamonds for himself (this having been his plan all along) — but he's subsequently arrested as the police have long known of his corruption and have worked out what he's up to, and were waiting to catch him red-handed. The Trotters console themselves with the thought that Del switched two of the diamonds for the fake ones on his cufflinks, and on top of that they have the £15,000 which Rodney picked up during the confrontation with Slater — until Del, believing the money to be fake (which is isn't), throws it out of the window.
Tropes:
- Big Bad: Roy Slater is the main antagonist of this special and the man pulling the strings.
- Big Damn Movie: Arguably the nearest to one the series got. It is feature-length, shot entirely in film, and involves one of the Trotters' most high stakes money-making schemes; a smuggling job all the way to Amsterdam. Via Hull. And back.
- The Bus Came Back: Roy Slater, Del's arch-enemy who was last seen in "May the Force be with You", returns to Peckham, along with his put-upon subordinate Terry Hoskins. Both have been promoted since their last appearances; Slater is now a Detective Chief Inspector, and Hoskins (previously a uniformed constable) is now a Detective Sergeant.
- Call-Back: A few.
- Abdul, an old friend of Del's who appears in the show for the only time, was mentioned as working in Hatton Garden — London's jewellery district — in "Diamonds are for Heather".
- Rodney suggests that the Trotters can use the money they end up with at the end to go to Benidorm, which is where they went on holiday in "It Never Rains".
- When Del realises that Denzil's avoiding him, he wonders why he would do this. Rodney points out that he has several reasons — Del ruined his wedding reception (as mentioned in "Who's a Pretty Boy?"), wrecked his kitchen (as seen in the same episode) and stole his redundancy money (as mentioned in "As One Door Closes").
- Celebrity Paradox: When Rodney suggests they find the way to Holland by stars Del says, "Oh yeah, I saw that in The Onedin Line". Philip Bond (Van Kleefe) used to be in the series.
- Christmas Episode: Broadcast on Christmas Day with an audience of 16.9 million (just under a third of the entire British population at the time) — although Christmas is not referred to in any way. In fact, according to a calendar in one of the police station scenes, the events of this episode take place in June.
- The Con: Not only is Roy Slater aware that diamond smuggling is going on, he's in league with Van Kleefe (the Dutchman who's selling the diamonds to the British smugglers) and so knows when a courier will be coming to London with the diamonds. He then intercepts the courier and lets them go free in return for the diamonds, which he can then sell on for his own profit; Van Kleefe, for his part, gets to keep the money that the couriers gave him in return for the diamonds. By the start of this episode, he has successfully carried out this particular con twice, but what he doesn't know is that the police are onto him (and have been "for a long time")...
- Counterfeit Cash: Played straight and subverted. Del quickly realises that the cash Boycie gave him for the transaction with the Dutch smugglers is counterfeit. What he doesn't realise, though, is that his own payment isn't fake, and the episode ends with him throwing it away.
- The Dog Bites Back: Fittingly, Slater ends up the victim of this himself when his dogsbody, Terry Hoskins, sets him up and he gets busted for his diamond-smuggling scheme.
- Every Man Has His Price: International diamond smuggling is not Del's thing. But for £15,000 in cash, he'll give it a go.
- Everyone Has Standards: Boycie is willing to use counterfeit money to buy the diamonds, but insists on using the real thing to pay Del. Unfortunately, Del assumes the money is counterfeit, and throws it away.
- Friendly Enemy: Even though they are on opposite sides of the law, Del and Hoskins seem to get on well. The fact that they both despise Slater probably helps.
- Genre Shift: This episode, which didn't have a laughter track because it was shot entirely on film (and therefore not before a studio audience), plays out more like a crime caper film than a sitcom.
- I Don't Pay You to Think: Slater says this several times to his subordinate and driver, Hoskins. This ends up backfiring horribly on him, when it turns out the Met are onto his corrupt practices and Hoskins drives him into a police sting.Slater: Look, Hoskins - Terence - use your loaf. Help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man. The money from them other diamonds is in a bank account; I'll let you have half. What do you think?Hoskins turns over the lapel of his coat, revealing a hidden microphone.
- Ironic Echo: As stated above, Hoskins, who has constantly been told by Slater that it's not his job to think, uses the same phrase as the perfect comeback when his boss asks him to consider taking a bribe.
- Laser-Guided Karma: Roy Slater ends up getting arrested for diamond smuggling after stealing the diamonds from Del and Boycie. His Dutch contact, Van Kleefe, is arrested when he tries to deposit Boycie's counterfeit money at a bank.
- Laugh Track: Conspicuous by its absence, due to the entire episode being shot on film.
- Layman's Terms: At play when Del is in Amsterdam to get the diamonds.Hussein: [after examining the diamonds] These are blue white stone, purity absolutely clean, cut by experts. These are of the finest quality.Del: [on the phone to Boycie] He says they're pukka.
- Lost at Sea: An inevitability with Uncle Albert at the helm. Fortunately, they spot a ferry, and follow that. But it's still not easy...Del: We got lost in the middle of the North Sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and we followed it.Abdul: And that's how you got to Hull?Del: No, that's how we got to Zeebrugge. It was going the wrong bloody way!
- The Mole: Hoskins is this to Slater as part of a police sting; when the latter attempts to bribe him, he reveals that he's wearing a wire, and now has solid evidence of Slater incriminating himself.
- Money to Throw Away: At the end, Del Boy throws £15,000 in cash from the balcony of the flat, thinking it's counterfeit. It's not.
- Nobody Here but Us Birds: Rodney is left on lookout while Del discusses diamond smuggling with Boycie and is told to make an owl noise if the police arrive. The strangled noise he actually makes is mistaken by Slater for a crow.
- Oddball in the Series: The only episode of the series to be shot entirely on film, and correspondingly, the only one with no laugh track in any release — "A Royal Flush" was mostly shot on film, but still used videotape for the scenes of the Trotters' flat, and had a laugh track added in later releases.
- Oop North: Naturally. It's in the title:Del: Just get me back to Peckham or I'll be saying "Eh-up!" and breeding whippets before I'm much older!
- Paper-Thin Disguise: While waiting for the Trotters to arrive at Gatwick Airport, Slater wears a sombrero to make it look like he's a tourist who's just got back from Spain. Even though he's wearing a dress shirt, necktie, and heavy overcoat, with a pair of handcuffs tucked into the front of his waistband and a holstered revolver worn in plain sight beside it.
- Servile Snarker: Hoskins, who like all honest policemen, hates bent coppers like Roy Slater.
- Shout-Out: The title is a play on the 1955 war film To Hell and Back. Speaking of war films, the one Albert's watching in the pub at the beginning is The Cruel Sea.
- Springtime for Hitler: The owner of the boat rental company agrees to let the Trotters hire one of his boats, thinking that they're certain to sink or otherwise badly damage it, which will result in a hefty insurance payout. In fact, the boat in question ends up being the only one Uncle Albert failed to sink. The scheme doesn't backfire, though, as the owner ends up with the rental fee and the boat itself, to hire out to the next unsuspecting fool.
- Title Drop: See the quote at the top of this page, uttered by Del after Slater has taken the diamonds.
- Worthy Opponent: Slater, for his part, sees Del as this.
