I stole it!!
—Hardison, Eliot and Sophie in unison
We open with Hardison, Sophie and Eliot, who are all arguing in the bar. Nate and Parker walk in, and he asks them rather pointedly why they're sitting around arguing instead of investigating Moreau. Sophie plays them a recording, which tells them about an artefact called the Dagger of Aqu'abi. This dagger was stolen from the Boston Museum of Art and Antiquities five years ago, but has been returned and is now on display again. However, Hardison, Sophie and Eliot all claim to be the original thief. Sophie suggests that each of them tells their story in turn, and Nate reluctantly agrees.Grifter
Sophie has two identities for this con, having managed to successfully work two identities for six months. The first is the Duchess of Barrington-Highsworth, a patron of the arts who donated artwork to gain admission. She meets the current custodian of the dagger, Edgar Gladstone, who flirts with her, but she's careful to avoid the skilled and wary head of museum security, Coswell. She acquires a drink, spikes it and asks a waitress to give it to Zimbabwe's art minister, Robert Bioko. Bioko is a douchebag who is very allergic to shrimp, but while she waits, she bumps into a surgeon, Dr Wes Abernathy, and flirts with him. Bioko starts choking and Gladstone checks on him. Sophie helpfully tells him that the minister is allergic to shrimp, and as a doctor, Abernathy helps him out. Distraction achieved, Sophie slips into the shipping and storage part of the museum, using Gladstone's key card. Her other identity for this con is Dr Karen Ipcress, who works in the restoration department. Coswell suspiciously asks about her, and makes the connection that she and the Duchess look weirdly alike. Sophie overhears Coswell, realises that she's screwed and switches the shipping details on the dagger's crate so it will go to her safe-house in London. It worked beautifully, but when she received the crate, there was no dagger inside.
After her story, she insists that she's the real thief, even though she technically never attained it. Eliot steps up, putting two shot glasses over his eyes to imitate glasses. Sophie instantly recognises him as the good doctor and is shocked, and Eliot tells his story.Hitter
Eliot is doing what he normally does- beating crap out of some mooks- when he gets a call from a man named Gutman. Gutman is rather annoyed that Eliot never retrieved the sapphire monkey from North Korea, so he offers him a trade: If Eliot will retrieve the dagger, then Gutman will consider the debt repaid and he will stop sending men after Eliot until one of them gets lucky. So on the night in question, Eliot manages to steal the real Doctor Abernathy's identity and get into the party. He bumps into Sophie, but instead of her normal British accent, she has a Cockney accent.
Sophie is indignantly annoyed, and retells her story so that Eliot has a hillbilly's accent. Eliot tells her that she already told her story and gets back to it.
Skip to the part where Bioko is choking: Sophie urges Eliot to save him, and Eliot hesitantly obliges. Eliot would have performed an impromptu tracheotomy, but the minister has some pills that miraculously heal him. Eliot uses him as an excuse to get further inside the museum- specifically, he leaves the minister at the first-aid station. After that, he sneaks into the basement, knocks out a security guard and steals his uniform. He's confronted by Coswell, bluffs his way past, and ends up working with the crew doing the shipping. He disguises himself appropriately, opens the dagger's crate and finds a mug...
Sophie blames Eliot, who maintains that he never actually acquired the dagger. In the end, since Gutman had a lot of enemies, he was arrested for racketeering a couple of weeks later, and Eliot was fine. Hardison then steps up to tell his story. Nate is surprised, since simple theft isn't Hardison's thing, but Hardison explains that the museum had installed a new security system called Tanuki. At the time, the first person to hack it would become a legend, so Hardison decided to be that person. But, he'd need proof, he decided to steal the dagger.Hacker
Hardison enters the museum disguised as Minister Robert Bioko, having hacked the invite list and grabbed the identity of a random guest. As he works on the system, he decides to have some fun- drinks some wine, flirts with some ladies, and spying on Eliot and Sophie getting fresh with each other. Once a power surge occurs (signalling that the system's reset), he fakes a choking fit as a distraction. Gladstone checks on him as Hardison says he needs to go to the first-aid room, but Sophie calls attention to his allergy. This Sophie is using a Scottish accent, and the present Sophie is pissed.
Hardison laughs at them, claiming that he beat both Sophie and Eliot. He says that nothing else matters, and Nate picks up on that and asks him why he says that. Hardison eventually admits that when he opened the vault, nothing was inside. Nate says that neither Hardison, Sophie or Eliot has it… and turns to Parker, who indignantly points out that, you know, she's a thief.Thief
Parker is actually the waitress, though she's doing a horrible job. She ignores Hardison, who was hording big amounts of hors 'doerves into his pockets, then runs into Sophie, who, instead of talking in an accent, is talking gibberish.
Everyone keeps arguing, believing that somebody lied. Parker suddenly realizes Nate's expression and immediately questions him if he knew something. Nate then simply asked the others if they knew the insurance company insuring the museum at the time of the theft, which was his old company, IYS. Nate finally tells them what happened to the dagger...Mastermind
Nate's story starts with him speaking to Coswell. Everyone else remembers Coswell as a tough, wary, skilled security expert, but he's actually a shy, bumbling guy who's pretty sweet. Nate chats with him, as he's there to investigate the recent thefts from the museum. He tells Coswell that I.Y.S. most likely will not insure the dagger. Coswell never actually caught on to Sophie's cons, he just thought she was pretty and wanted to ask her out. In reality, the drink Sophie spiked found its way to Eliot, not Hardison, and it was the glass of wine that he accidentally spilt on her. Coswell meets 'Dr Ipcress' but can't work up his courage to talk to her, and leaves. He tells the guards to find her, but while the team wrongly remembered it as him knowing she was a fake, in reality, he wanted to give her some roses at it's her last day working. (He ends up giving them to Nate.) He even asks Eliot but fails to notice that he's a fake guard. He then meets Hardison, disguised as a worker, and sobs about how he missed his chance to confess his love to Ipcress. He notices the guard Eliot mugged, but gets pushed inside by Hardison. Inside the storage room, he tells the guard that he'll get them out. He opens Parker's bag, but assumes it's the janitor's stuff and uses it to climb inside the air vent. He bumps into Parker, who punches him in the face. The dagger drops down the shaft… and falls out of a ceiling vent, directly into Nate's hand.
Everyone is pretty shocked at that story, but Sophie and Eliot pick up on the biggest problem: Nate had it, but the dagger was still reported stolen. Ah, Nate says, but it was stolen.
Back at the museum gallery, Gladstone is yelling at Coswell for screwing it up and letting Parker get away, saying it's his worst loss ever. Nate walks in with the dagger… and snaps it in half. Nate explains that he's here to figure out why Gladstone has had so many expensive items stolen that I.Y.S. had insured. He realizes that Gladstone was selling the originals on the black market, while putting the fakes on display and staging a public theft to get the insurance using the double-dipping scam. Gladstone begs him not to tell anyone or he'll be in ruins. Nate then tells him to pay back the settlements of the previous items and since he didn't sell the dagger yet he asks him to give it to his company as an asset. He also wants the dealer he'd hired to stage the fake theft. Nate then announces to them they should keep this a secret and as of this moment the Dagger of Aqu'abi has officially been stolen.
The team is a bit sad that after all they did, none of them got it. Sophie asks about the dealer, and we get a flashback: the dealer Gladstone used was Gutman, who Nate had arrested. Eliot's quite surprised. Hardison's depressed that they all did so much work for nothing, but Nate reminds them that it's easy to forget why they stopped working solo and now work as a team, and turns the sound on the TV back up. It's showing an interview with a man called Nigel Hayton, the C.E.O. of Baron Oil, an oil company who spilled tons of oil over American waters. Hayton is a quintessential bastard, down to his posh accent, use of the phrase 'the little people' and reassuring the public that he cares, as does his company. The team leaves the bar in a hurry claiming to get it first, leaving Nate behind. Nate eventually follows after as the episode ends.
Tropes stolen in this job: