Quotes / Red Band Society

Pilot

Kenji: (sees Nurse Jackson's coffee cup labeled "Scary Bitch") Hey! I see they got your name right!
Nurse Jackson: The barista was one of those home-school types. Wasn't sure he could spell "scary" without adding an "e", but he managed.

Charlie: Neanderthals were considered adults when they turned nine, which had to bite. But today, you're considered an adult when you're, like, in your twenties; which is probably bad for the future of mankind, but lucky for me, cause... I'm in a coma. Yeah. This is me, talking to you, from a coma. Deal with it.

Charlie: Emma and Leo met when they first got here. Both super-smart, athletic... They brought out something powerful in each other: their real selves. And it freaked them both out. Because they both felt it and they didn't want to.
Emma: Hey, ah, why're you in that chair?
Leo: Why are you so skinny?
Charlie: Leo got scared, and he blew it. They both regret it. So, now they're both obsessed with making each other miserable.
Teacher: Hey Leo, why don't you tell me about Katherine's relationship with Henry?
Leo: She's totally hot for him.
Emma: No, she's not! They can't communicate. He speaks horrible French; she doesn't speak English.
Leo: See, around her, he doesn't have to be the best at everything. That's why she's into him—
Emma: No, that's why he's into her.
Teacher: Okay. We get it, Henry's a total pleasure-seeker. But he has no close friends, why?
Leo: He's going to war, and getting too close to anyone's a bad idea.
Teacher: Explain.
Leo: Cause then, it... it won't be hard to say goodbye.

Dr. McAndrew: Jordi, I admire your courage—
Jordi: Balls. I prefer balls.
Dr. McAndrew: I don't work like this. All right, so why don't you go home, to your original doctors, and they'll take good care of you. (stands up and starts leaving the room)
Jordi: I knew the odds of getting you as my doctor sucked. I figured, what the hell? I mean, what was the chance I was gonna get cancer? Here I am.
Dr. McAndrew: I take it the word "no" is not in your vocabulary?
Jordi: If it was in my vocabulary, why would I be asking you to say "yes"?

Kara: (to the volunteer playing music for Charlie) Hey, Volunteer Dude, shut up already! I've blown, like, five levels of Candy Crush since you've come in!
Volunteer: Well, what would you like to hear?
Kara: Silence? Your taste in music is so average it hurts me. Scoop some vanilla ice cream on your white bread, will ya?

Brittany: Do you always get sponge baths?
Dash: Yeah, the shower's not too good for my lungs.
Charlie: Is she buying this!?
Brittany: Huh. (sees Twilight on Dash's bedside table) Twilight? Oh my god, I love Twilight!
Dash: Yeah? I'm only reading it to attract a Mormon. I've heard their lungs are perfect for transplants, so I carry it around the ICU and the ER in case any parents, family members, or, you know, patients would spot me.
Brittany: So you haven't read any of it?
Dash: I'm sorry; I gave up when she wrote about how he sparkled. Brittany, I need to talk to you about something.
Brittany: What?
Dash: You're an awesome person.
Brittany: Thanks, Dash!
Dash: I've never said this to anyone before, but...
Charlie: Here it comes.
Dash: I'm afraid... I'm afraid that I might die...
Brittany: Oh, Dash...
Dash: ...a virgin. And I would hate to waste that—
Brittany: Oh. Umm... Ah... Okay. I need to get your mist machine...
Dash: Come on! You can be my pillar, and give me that singular experience that I can carry into eternity!
Brittany: (holds up a breathing apparatus) You need to breathe with this for half an hour before postural drainage therapy—
Dash: What if we just make out? (Brittany leaves the room) What? Not enough sparkle?
Charlie: Apparently not.